by Maya Banks
He rubbed his tongue over her upper lip and then flicked inward to run along the inside seam of her mouth. Her tongue crept out cautiously to touch his and he moaned when they finally met and rolled. Playfully at first but then more urgent as if they couldn’t get enough and wanted more.
His hands slipped to her face, cupping her and holding her as his fingers delved into her hair. He had too firm a grip. He held her too tightly but he couldn’t let go.
He took her whole, devouring her mouth. His tongue thrust deep in a perfect imitation of what he wanted to do with his cock. As hot and moist as her mouth was, as heavenly as she felt, he could only imagine how her tight sheath would surround him with fire and welcome him into her depths.
He had to drag himself away. He was perilously close to spinning her around and pinning her to his mattress. He’d throw up her skirts and have her right here and right now. It was no way to treat her. She deserved a slow and gentle wooing. A lover’s kisses and sweet words. She deserved to be told how beautiful she was and how she made him feel as though he were the only man in the world. The last thing he wanted for her was a quick and brutal rutting.
His pulse pounded as he pulled his mouth from hers. “What you do to me, lass,” he whispered, each word painful through his tight throat.
It was as though he’d swallowed shards of glass. His skin felt too tight. His body was too heavy. His cock was about to burst out of his trews, and his wound ached like hell fire. And he wanted more of her with every breath he had.
This wasn’t him. What he felt bordered on obsession. Nay. Not bordered. It was true obsession. He’d nearly gone mad when she’d left his chamber and hadn’t returned. He’d gotten up from his bed, sweating and swearing with each movement. He’d paced his chamber, looked out his window, listened at the door, anxious to hear her light footsteps.
Finally it had been all he could bear. He simply had to get out of his chamber. Outside where he could breathe. Where he could feel more himself and shake off the insanity that gripped him whenever he thought of her. It had to stop.
She unmanned him. She made him feel like a boy who hadn’t proved his mettle.
“We can’t continue to do this,” she whispered back. “Please, Alaric. I don’t seem to have the ability to deny you anything.”
Her eyes burned bright with a multitude of emotions. Regret. Desire. The tiny golden glints glowed against the brown of her eyes, and her dark brows were drawn together in clear consternation.
They were the words he wanted to hear but not with the distress so evident in her voice. She looked to be near tears and it was his undoing. That she was so close to begging flayed his chest open. He hugged her to him, content to simply hold her as he cursed fate and duty and all the things that conspired to tear this woman from his arms.
“I’m sorry, Keeley. I find I haven’t the ability to deny myself the pleasure of your touch. You are an addiction. One I can’t readily be free of. I listen to your arguments and I understand them well, but then you look at me or I look at you and all reason flies out the window. I only know that if I don’t touch you, if I don’t kiss you, I’ll go mad.”
She cupped his face in her hands and gave him a look so sad that it clenched his stomach into a ball. “So sweet are your words and how heavy they fall on my ears. I take them into my heart and am filled with gladness and longing all at the same time and yet I realize how hopeless such feelings are. You will never be mine, warrior. Just as I’ll never be yours. ’Tis madness to continue to torment ourselves.”
“I can’t—I won’t—accept that we cannot be together even for a little while,” he whispered. “Isn’t any time better than none at all? Isn’t a taste of sweet better than a lifetime of bitter regret?”
“ ’Tis like a wound. ’Tis better to make a quick, clean cut and be rid of the pain rather than wait for it to become agonizing.”
He closed his eyes at the conviction in her voice. She truly believed what she spoke. It made sense to him, aye. But he didn’t agree. Any time to savor her sweetness was better than naught. He just had to convince her.
Slowly he released her. “I’ll let you go … for now. I do not want to distress you. The last thing I want is to make you sad. I much prefer you reprimanding me or ordering me about with that saucy smile of yours. So smile, Keeley. Smile for me.”
The corners of her mouth lifted, but her eyes dripped all the sadness he himself felt. ’Twas madness. Never had he failed to take what he wanted. Never had he been denied by a woman. But Keeley … Keeley was different and it was important to woo her patiently. He’d settle for backing away for now. He wanted her willing. He wanted her complete surrender.
“Now if we are finished speaking of things we shouldn’t, you need to be back in your bed,” she said crisply, all signs of her distress gone.
He stared at her beautiful face and at the stone set to her features. But the truth was in her eyes. They never lied.
“Aye, healer. ’Tis back in my bed I’ll go. I find all this activity has drained me of strength.”
He leaned cautiously back, resting his head on the soft pillow. His eyes closed as weariness assailed him. And then he felt her warm breath blow over his forehead and the sweet press of her lips against his forehead.
“Sleep then, warrior,” she whispered. “I’ll be here when you awaken.”
He smiled and allowed himself to drift away, her promise held tight to his heart.
CHAPTER 14
Having Keeley in such close proximity was driving him to his wits’ end. Though she was careful to keep a respectful and modest distance between them at all times, simply being across the room from her or dining at the same table in the hall was an exercise in frustration.
His wound had taken several more days to heal, and in that time, Keeley had become an expert at erecting a barrier between them. The better he recovered, the more distant she became and the less time she spent with him in his chamber.
In the end, it was the drive to be out of his chamber where he could see more of her that spurred his recovery the most.
He was still sore. His side ached, and if he turned too quickly, he was rewarded with a bolt of pain through his midriff. But he refused to spend another moment staring up at his ceiling, seeking ways to make the hunger go away.
Even now, as he tried to sit and listen to what his brothers were discussing, his gaze kept drifting across the hall where the women of the keep sat in front of the hearth sewing baby clothing for Mairin’s child.
Outside, the snow fell and had accumulated on the ground in small drifts that would grow larger through the night. Everyone had taken shelter indoors and in their cottages. The men were drinking ale and discussing warfare and alliances and, of course, their most hated enemy, Duncan Cameron.
But Alaric heard none of it. He watched as Keeley laughed and her eyes glowed in delight as she chattered with the women in the circle.
Ewan occasionally cast glances in Mairin’s direction. It didn’t go unnoticed by Alaric, and when Mairin looked up and caught her husband’s gaze, in that moment, Alaric envied Ewan with everything he had. Their obvious love and regard for each other made the ache in Alaric’s chest grow until it was all he could do not to bolt from the table.
“Snap out of it, Alaric.”
Alaric blinked and then glared at Caelen for intruding so rudely on his thoughts.
“What the hell do you want?”
“For you to pay attention. ’Tis important matters we discuss and you’re busy mooning over the lass.”
Alaric curled his fingers into a fist but didn’t respond to Caelen’s ribbing.
Ewan frowned as he stared between the brothers. “I was saying that I received a missive from Laird McDonald. He sorely regrets that your travel was interrupted. He sought to seal our alliance as quickly as possible. He grows more uneasy over the idea of Cameron taking over his borders. There is much unrest among our neighbors. They all fear Cameron’s might and are looking to us for ai
d and support.”
Alaric glanced at his brother, unease growing in his chest.
“He doesn’t want to wait until spring to join our clans through marriage. He also knows I refuse to leave the keep with Mairin’s time so close nor will I leave thereafter. He has offered to travel with Rionna after Mairin’s babe is born and have the wedding ceremony here.”
Alaric forced himself not to outwardly react. He went completely still until he could hear his heart beat against his chest. He wouldn’t look at Keeley. He wouldn’t think of what he wanted when the future of his clan rested in his hands.
“Alaric? What say you?” Ewan asked.
“ ’Tis good he is willing to travel here,” Alaric said evenly. “We can’t afford to leave the keep unguarded nor can we afford to split our defenses by sending a contingent with me. We’ve already lost a dozen good men.”
Ewan stared thoughtfully at Alaric. “So you are willing still to go through with the marriage?”
“I’ve never said anything to make you think differently.”
“It’s not what you’ve said or not said,” Ewan said quietly, as his gaze lifted from Alaric and went beyond to where the women sat. “I know you want her.”
Alaric refused to turn and follow the direction of Ewan’s stare. “What I want is inconsequential. I agreed to the match. I won’t go back on my word.”
Regret briefly flickered over Ewan’s face before he schooled his features and dropped his stare. He faced his two brothers. “ ’Tis done then. I’ll respond to McDonald’s message and let him know that we’ll receive him after my son or daughter is born. ’Tis likely you and your new bride will have to spend the winter here. The McDonalds’ travel here will be arduous enough. ’Tis no reason to risk a return trip until the snows thaw.”
The idea of marrying Rionna left a sour enough feeling in his belly but having her here, living as man and wife and him having to see Keeley on a daily basis, was unbearable.
“I’ll send her away as soon as she’s safely delivered Mairin’s babe,” Ewan murmured.
Alaric’s head snapped up. “Nay! You’ll not turn her out in the midst of the winter with no place to go and no home to call her own. I vowed to her that you would provide for her. Swear to me that she’ll have a home here for as long as she desires.”
Ewan sighed. “Aye, then. I swear it.”
“You torture yourself needlessly, brother,” Caelen hissed. “Have the lass. Take her and rid yourself of this obsession. Sate yourself and by the time the McDonalds arrive, your blood will be rid of this need.”
Alaric stared bleakly at his brother. “Nay, Caelen. I fear I’ll never be rid of my need of her. It runs too deep and too hot. And I’ll not use her thus. She deserves my respect. She saved my life.”
Caelen shook his head but didn’t argue further. He drained the rest of his ale and muttered under his breath as he stared into the fire that blazed in the hearth.
Across the room, Mairin rose and instantly put her hand to her back. She looked tired, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Ewan. He frowned and quickly stood up. He was across the room in a moment, and leaned down to murmur in her ear. She smiled up at him, and soon Ewan was walking her toward the stairs leading to their chamber.
Alaric gripped his goblet and stared at the swirl of ale still left. He set it down on the table, unable to stomach the thought of swilling more of the stout brew.
“I hate seeing you like this,” Caelen muttered. “Go have a tumble with one of the women more than willing to warm your bed. You’ll forget the healer. ’Tis unseemly to allow a woman so much power over you.”
Alaric smiled faintly. “Clearly you’ve never wanted a woman in the way I want Keeley.”
Caelen’s expression darkened and Alaric immediately wished he could call back the ill-spoken words. ’Twas the truth that years ago Caelen had been thoroughly besotted by a woman. He’d declared his love openly for her. He would have died for her. Instead, she betrayed them to Duncan Cameron and their clan lost all, Ewan’s young wife and their father. Caelen had never allowed himself to fall under the spell of a woman again. Alaric wasn’t even sure if Caelen ever bedded a woman. If he did, he was extremely discreet.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t well done of me,” Alaric said.
Caelen raised his goblet to his mouth and stared stonily toward the fire. “ ’Tis no matter. My mistakes should serve as a warning to you never to allow a woman to lead you about by the cock.”
Alaric sighed. “Not all women are of Elsepeth’s ilk. Look at Mairin. She serves Ewan well. She is loyal and steadfast. She is a good mother to Crispen and would die for Ewan.”
“Mairin is a woman above others,” Caelen said stubbornly. “Ewan is fortunate. Most men go a lifetime and will never find a woman who places her husband and clan above herself.”
“And Keeley did none of those things by caring for me? How was she to know I wasn’t some monster who’d rape and abuse her? She was abducted from her home and brought to live with strangers and yet she still tended me to exhaustion.”
Caelen made a sound of annoyance. “ ’Tis clear you’re besotted, and nothing I saw will sway you on the matter. Take my advice, brother. Stay away from the healer. You’ll have a wife before winter’s over. Nothing good can come of your dalliance with another woman. These are precarious times. You cannot afford to offend McDonald. Too much depends on strong alliances so that Duncan Cameron can be wiped from the face of the earth. As strong as we are, we cannot go after him alone with Mairin close to her time. Once she is safely delivered of the heir to Neamh Álainn, our thoughts and efforts can turn to ridding us of his threat. We need our neighboring clans to unite with us into a formidable force. We may not face just the threat of Duncan Cameron but of Malcolm as well, should Duncan join forces with him to oust David from the throne.”
Alaric’s lips twisted into a fierce snarl. Caelen acted as though Alaric was a senseless dolt. “You have no need to remind me what is at stake here, Caelen. I’m well aware of the implications of my marriage to Rionna McDonald. I’ve said I would do my duty. You insult me by suggesting anything less.”
Caelen nodded. “My apologies. I’ll not broach the subject again.”
“Good,” Alaric muttered.
He drained the rest of his ale anyway and promptly grimaced as it swirled and bubbled in his gut. He’d partaken too much and his head already ached. Unable to resist, he chanced another look over at Keeley just as she turned her head slightly in his direction.
Their gazes met and locked, and she froze like a doe about to bolt. Her eyes were wide and expressive, and for a moment he saw everything he knew she didn’t want him to see. The same longing he felt. The same desire. The same regret.
He dragged his gaze away and swore under his breath. Then he held up his goblet and signaled the serving woman to bring him more.
Suddenly he decided he hadn’t had enough to drink. He needed more and then maybe he wouldn’t feel the horrible ache that swelled in his belly and thrust upward into his chest.
Maybe he’d forget.
CHAPTER 15
Keeley bundled the heavy fur cape around her as she trudged through the snow toward Maddie’s cottage. The afternoon sun was high overhead and glistened off the snow-covered landscape, casting a shine that hurt Keeley’s eyes.
Mairin had been ordered to remain inside the keep by the laird, a fact Mairin was none too happy about. Keeley felt disloyal but in this she agreed with the laird. Ewan was afraid that Mairin might fall on the ice and injure herself. She was large and ungainly with the babe and had already nearly fallen down the stairs twice, both times giving Cormac, who was attending her, failure of the heart.
As a result she was now forbidden to walk up or down the stairs without someone holding her arm.
And since Mairin was confined to the hall and about to go mad with boredom, Keeley was trekking across the snow to collect Maddie and Christina because Mairin wanted their company.
&nb
sp; Keeley smiled. ’Twas no burden to summon the other women. ’Twas the truth that Keeley enjoyed their company and Mairin’s as well. They spent many a night in front of the fire, sewing, gossiping, and teasing Christina about her infatuation with Cormac. Thankfully no one had picked up on Keeley’s interest in Alaric or his interest in her, or if they had, they had the grace to remain silent, a favor Keeley was grateful for.
Cormac had increasingly made more excuses to remain in the hall at night, usually to drink ale with the men and discuss the day’s training, but his attention was focused on Christina. The two played a game of cat and mouse that amused Keeley. They weren’t as direct as she and Alaric had been, but then what had admitting their attraction gained Keeley and Alaric except heartache and regret?
She knocked on Maddie’s cottage door and then blew warm air onto her cold fingers. The door swung open and Maddie immediately exclaimed, “Keeley! Don’t stand there in the cold. Come warm yourself by the fire.”
“My thanks,” Keeley said as she pushed inside to stand by the hearth.
“What brings you out on a cold day such as this?”
Keeley grinned. “Mairin is at her wits’ end. She wishes for you and Christina to come sit with her and keep her company. The laird has forbidden her to leave the confines of the keep.”
“As well he should,” Maddie said with an approving nod. “In the snow and ice is no place for the lass to be walking in. She could fall and hurt the babe.”
“She offered no argument, but she’s not happy about it. She asked that if you weren’t busy with your own duties, would you mind sitting with her awhile?”
“Of course not. Let me get my shawl and my boots. We’ll stop by and collect Christina on our way back to the keep.”
In a few moments’ time, both women bundled back up and stepped into the biting wind.