Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  “My friend needs a date.” He shifted.

  “Maybe Brooke’s free,” I said and he shook his head. When he met my gaze, my chest ached as if someone had reached in and ripped my heart right out of my flesh.

  “I, um, I already have a date.”

  I stepped back, confused, blinking, to try to muddle my way through his words. “But...” I looked at the spot on the floor as things started clicking. Another step added to the distance. It would have been easier if he had punched me in the face.

  “I never said we were exclusive,” he whispered, and even though his eyes begged for me to understand, a raw anger flared.

  “You bastard!” The softness with which I spoke belied the fury filling me.

  He took a step towards me.

  “Don’t. Just don’t.” I put my hands up, stopping his progression. Inside my head, I almost heard the clang of steel as the barrier around my emotions snapped back in place. I was a fool to have trusted him, to have let myself fall for him. I sent a glare in his direction. “How long?”

  He slid his hands into his pockets. “I’ve been with her for two years.”

  A high-pitched laugh escaped. “What the fuck?”

  He shook his head and shrugged, his gaze avoiding me as if one look would kill him. When he finally met my gaze, I wanted to punch him. “I don’t know. I wasn’t prepared for you. You waltzed into this store and I lost my fucking mind.”

  “And now you’ve got it back,” I said, my voice laced with sarcasm. I didn’t expect his laugh or the shake of his head.

  “I can’t stop thinking about you.” He stood up, pointing at me. “My girlfriend likes to tie me up and do really kinky shit, and I used to get off on it as much as she does...”

  My eyebrows rose. This was the freak he told me about on occasion? The ex? That was so not what I wanted to hear, and the fire in his eyes actually made me swallow.

  “When she’s fucking me, I want it to be you,” he snapped. “It’s fucking insane.”

  The whole idea that when he wasn’t with me, he was fucking someone else turned my stomach. “Yeah, that is insane. And now you want me to go on a double date? With your buddy?”

  “I don’t want you to. I need you to.”

  “Do you need me to fuck your buddy, too?”

  He recoiled and his eyes widened, along with his mouth.

  “I’m not your little whore to be passed around whenever you feel like it,” I snarled, working myself into a fine fury.

  “She asked who you were and I said you were my friend’s new girlfriend.”

  I glared at him for a long time, and then headed for the door. He grabbed my arm, stopping me and I stared at the solid grip before raising my gaze to his.

  “Jamie, please.”

  “Please, what?” I yanked my arm from his grip and stepped away.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” he mumbled.

  I laughed at him. “Then why are you so concerned about your girlfriend.” He flinched at my tone. My bullshit radar may have been broken for the last few months, but it roared back to life.

  “Because I’ve been with her for two years.”

  “And you love her,” I said, choking on the words.

  His gaze dropped to the ground. “I thought I did, and then I met you.”

  “I’m not doing this,” I said and started toward the door.

  “Please, I know I need to make up my mind, and I promise I will after the concert. But I need you to do this for me.”

  Internal alarms blasted through me and I stared at him, torn by the amount of anger raging through my blood and the intertwined hope he would choose me. His eyes pleaded with me and despite the betrayal I felt, I nodded, thoroughly hating myself for grasping onto that sliver of hope.

  With that nod, I trashed all self-respect.

  Silence Chapter 18

  I lay in bed, my eyes glued to the ceiling but unable to focus through the silent torrent of tears. Every fiber of my being hurt, like the mental anguish was strangling my soul. I hated him for the flare of hope that kept me hanging on.

  I hated him for tearing my heart in two and shitting on the fractured pieces.

  I hated him.

  And the worst part, I loved him, too.

  When the phone rang, I picked it up.

  “Jamie?” his soft whisper came over the receiver and I realized he must be with her and sneaking in a phone call, like he did most nights. Tears burned.

  “What?” the rawness of my voice made it clear I wasn’t taking this well.

  His silence followed. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Well, you did a fine fucking job of that, didn’t you.” I grasped onto sarcasm like it was my lifeline.

  “I want to introduce you to my friend tomorrow, okay?”

  My throat closed on the response and more tears flowed. When I was sure a sob wouldn’t escape, I asked, “Does he know?”

  The sound of a door shutting came over the line. “No, he doesn’t know about us,” he said and I let out a near hysterical laugh.

  “You’d better tell him, because I’m not fucking with someone’s feelings just so you can snow your girlfriend.”

  “Jamie,” he started.

  I sat up. “You want me to play this fucked up game. These are the rules, otherwise I’ll find her and tell her the entire sordid story.”

  His breath sucked in.

  “I’m pissed, and I’m not sure whether I’m angrier at you or with myself for being such an idiot to believe a guy like you would ever fall for me.” The rush of words came out in a snarling sob.

  “Jamie.” The softness in his voice ripped my insides further.

  “I was just a conquest to you.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Bullshit. Get the seventeen-year-old virgin to bed, that was your goal. Well, fuck you.”

  “I’m in love with you, okay?” he snapped. “I said it. Are you happy?”

  “Then make the choice and stop this bullshit.”

  “It’s not that easy.” His exasperated tone filled the line.

  “Fine,” I said through clenched teeth. “But you’d better tell your friend what’s really going on, or I will.” I slammed the phone down and curled into a ball, clutching my knees in an attempt to prevent me from flying to pieces.

  BROOKE GOT INTO THE car on Monday morning and her smile faded. I hadn’t spoken to any of my friends all weekend, not even my best friend. It was hard enough to pretend with my family that everything was okay, but I needed the time to reinforce the walls around my emotions. Falling back into the silent-unfeeling mode was much easier than I anticipated, but I guess the vacant look in my eyes was the thing that triggered Brooke’s worried gaze.

  “What happened?” Not one to pussy foot around, Brooke cut to the point.

  “He’s had a girlfriend this entire time,” I said. My voice was deadpan, devoid of emotion.

  “Ah, shit, Jamie.” Her hand landed on my arm in a show of support and I felt my defenses crack.

  “And he wants to take me on a double date to a concert. He told his girlfriend I was dating his friend.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “I wish I was. He also told me he was in love with me.” My voice hitched and I took a turn, heading away from the school because I was seconds away from losing it and I didn’t want to do it at school. I found the nearest park and threw the car in neutral before I covered my face.

  Brooke set the emergency break and pulled me into a hug as I cried. This time it wasn’t silent, it was the noisy soul-wrenching sobs.

  “Men are assholes,” she said as she gently patted my back.

  I let out a sobbing laugh, pulling away, and swiping my drenched cheeks. “I’ve got to be out of my fucking mind, because I said I’d go.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. I could tell she was disappointed with my choice, but to her credit, she didn’t say anything.

  “I will have to pretend we’re just friends and I�
�m into his buddy. That is going to suck.”

  “Or, you could just drop the bomb on her in the middle of the concert and watch the fallout.”

  I could always count on Brooke to find the most diabolical and sensational way to expose someone. “That’s an idea that I’ll certainly entertain.” I smiled and sniffled. “Sorry for losing it.”

  “You don’t ever have to apologize to me,” she said. “That’s what friends are for.”

  I had learned the hard way that falling apart too often to a friend was the fastest way to drive them away. If you did it too much, they’d avoid you like you were a contagious disease. So for her to say that was nice and all, but I was just as skeptical of friendship as I was of love. Even so, I was thankful for the shoulder today, and resolved not to abuse it.

  AT SCHOOL, I TURNED on the charm to any male within earshot, flirting with a vengeance that earned me a sidebar with Rob.

  “What is wrong with you?” he asked, after pulling me to a corner, out of sight.

  I just stared at him in that hard way I had adopted in prior years. His head cocked.

  “That asshole hurt you,” he said and his eyes narrowed.

  “Doesn’t matter,” I said, pleased that I was able to shut down the emotions that threatened to take over.

  “Fuck,” he muttered and grabbed both my shoulders. “Don’t shut me out,” he said, locking his eyes to mine. “You know I care about you and what happens to you, so don’t shut me out.”

  “I’ll be fine.” I tried to shake out of his grip, but he pushed me against the wall, lowering himself to my eye level.

  “You are not fine.” His blue eyes hardened.

  “I will be fine. Just let it go.”

  He straightened and dropped his hands, waving back toward the crowded courtyard. I didn’t hesitate, I went back to my station and smiled at a couple of the cute guys in our little clan. They both responded with smiles of their own.

  If Eric could play this game, so could I.

  Silence Chapter 19

  After dinner, the doorbell rang and my mother called me from the family room. I stopped at the kitchen entrance, staring at Eric through the screen.

  “Feel like grabbing an ice cream sundae?” he asked with an easy smile.

  I glanced at my mom for permission. She nodded despite the fact it was a school night.

  “I’ll have her back by nine at the latest,” he said.

  “Do you want us to bring you back something,” I asked. If Eric was going to lay on the lie about ice cream, I certainly was going to get a sundae out of the deal for both me and my mom.

  “No, thank you, I’m all set.” She gave me a quick hug and I stepped outside with that fake smile on my lips. As soon as we pulled out of the driveway, it disappeared.

  I couldn’t even look at him and when his hand landed on my thigh, I swatted it away.

  “Did you tell your friend?”

  His sigh told me all I needed to know and I glared in his direction.

  “It’s complicated.”

  He drove into the heart of Manchester, pulling into an apartment complex on the other side of town. I didn’t wait for him to get the door for me, I just got out and slammed the door with as much aggravation as I could muster. For the first time ever, his gaze slid into a glare at my callous treatment of his car.

  I cocked my head in a silent challenge.

  “He knows we met at the store and have been... talking.”

  “You’re really a shit, you know that?” I crossed my arms.

  “He’s a nice guy,” he said as if that made any difference.

  “Like you?”

  “No. He’s really a nice guy.” He grabbed my arm and practically dragged me into the building. “Smile,” he whispered just before he knocked on the door.

  “Fuck you,” I whispered back.

  The minute the door opened, I turned on the charm to such a degree I received daggers from Eric anytime Sam’s back was turned. I flirted and his friend responded in just the right ways, like I had lit his fire as much as I turned Eric on.

  He wasn’t bad to look at either. Blonde and clean cut with dark eyes. In some ways, he reminded me of a taller version of Dan and his smile was genuine, not animalistic like Eric’s. I even wrote my number on his palm before I walked out of the apartment.

  Eric was quiet, and instead of heading home, he pulled onto a deserted road, driving until we were on a dirt path in the woods, and then he turned the car off. His hands gripped the steering wheel with such force the metal groaned.

  “What the hell was that?” he growled and snapped his glare to me.

  “Fuck you,” I said and reached for the door handle.

  He twisted, and slammed me into the seat. Before I had a chance to catch my breath, his mouth was on mine and his hands clasped my head so I couldn’t pull away. I opened my mouth to protest, but then his tongue was inside, mingling with mine with such fire that all thought stopped. When he finally broke the kiss, he stayed within a few feet of me, his glare locked with mine.

  “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you, babe,” I said with as much sarcasm as I could muster.

  “You make me fucking crazy,” he said and his mouth dropped to the V of my shirt, kissing my heaving chest. His hand moved between my jean-clad thighs and damn him, it felt good.

  It wasn’t until my jeans lay balled up on the floor and his mouth worked between my legs that my brain took stock of the situation and I grabbed a handful of his hair, squeezing my hand closed as I came for him.

  He glanced up at me. “I want you so fucking bad right now.”

  “Not until you make a choice,” I said, bartering my virginity like it would make a difference. “And until then, don’t expect me to sit home alone, pining away for you.” I grabbed my underwear and jeans, pulling them on and covering up before he got any ideas of declaring his undying love to me just so he could fuck me. “And don’t you dare assume this is yours for the taking, ever again.” I buttoned my pants to make a point.

  He sat back in his seat. I could see the hard outline of him under his jeans, but today he wasn’t going to get an ounce of satisfaction from me. I crossed my arms and turned my head away from him like I was dismissing him.

  Silence layered in the car.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I gave him a sidelong glance and he rubbed his face.

  “Just tell me one thing,” he asked and I met his gaze.

  “Do you feel the connection between us?”

  I pressed my lips together and cursed when the tear slipped out. A slow hot path traced my cheek and his eyes glistened. I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want the wound to reopen but the tears in his eyes just hit like a sucker punch.

  I slowly nodded.

  “Do you love me?”

  That was a harder question to answer and I turned away, unwilling to admit that to him, but I think the unwilling hitch in my chest was enough of a tell.

  “I need you to know that I love you.”

  I didn’t turn. Instead, I clenched my teeth willing the hole in my chest to fill. “If you can’t make the choice, I will,” I said, with a voice that wavered with emotion. I turned back to him. “No matter how I feel.”

  Silence Chapter 20

  Sam pulled up in a beat up Ford truck on the night of the concert. He and I had spoken a few times. I was cordial but I didn’t talk a great deal about much of anything beyond my classes and the fact I was applying to schools.

  I had done better on my SATs, thanks to the tutoring I had received, but it still wasn’t stellar enough to get me into some of the schools on my list.

  I introduced him to my parents and said we were meeting Eric at the concert. The question in my mother’s eyes was enough to make me scurry out of the house. They knew something had happened, but didn’t want to ask in front of this obviously clueless guy.

  Sam couldn’t have been nicer, so in that respect, Eric had been right. As we drove, he offered me a small smi
le.

  “Did you want to get together with me sometime after tonight?”

  It seemed like an innocent question, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out his game.

  “Has Eric said anything about tonight?”

  He laughed. “Yeah. He said Sarah was a little jealous that you two were friends and he told her you were dating me. I’m not all that comfortable about pretending we’ve been dating, but I figure since the two of you are just friends, it wouldn’t hurt anything to make Sarah more at ease.”

  So Eric had only told the partial truth; I looked out the window with a new level of irritation growing under my skin.

  “So?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Do you want to go to the movies or something with me?”

  I glanced into his sincere eyes and wondered just how much it would kill Eric if I hooked up with his best friend. I smiled. “I’d like that.”

  “I didn’t know what to think when he said he had someone he wanted me to meet. But he was right, you’re as cute as they come.” He reached over and took my hand.

  When we walked into the coliseum, Sam wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I reciprocated, wrapping my arm around his waist. I glanced up at him and a piece of my heart screamed at the injustice of the adoration I saw in his gaze. This wasn’t fair at all.

  Eric stiffened at the sight of us and his nostrils flared before he had a chance to plaster the smile on his face. The pretty blonde by his side knocked the wind out of me. She was tall and more like a model than I would ever be, and I began to understand I didn’t have a chance in hell.

  He introduced us, and she rattled on about how Eric had mentioned just how sweet I was and how glad he was that Sam had found someone like me. It wasn’t until we were in the seats and she put her left hand on Eric’s arm to get his attention that I saw it.

  The diamond ring on her left ring finger.

  My gaze shot out at the people filtering into their seats and I took a few deep breaths, wishing I had the aisle seat instead of being wedged between Sam and Eric.