by Alfred Jarry
MA UBU. Poor young man ...
VOICES OF THE PALCONTENTS (coming nearer and nearer). Ears to the wind, without surprise ...
MEMNON. That’s why you must go back again, and me too, and Madam Ubu as well.
They descend.
THE PALCONTENTS (behind the door): We get our eats through platinum teats ...
PA UBU. Enter, hornstrumpot!
They all rush in.
SCENE FOUR
THE PALCONTENTS, carrying green candles. PA UBU, in a nightshirt.
PA UBU (he squats down without a word. The whole thing collapses. He emerges again, thanks to the Archimedean principle. Then, with great simplicity and dignity, his nightshirt perhaps a shade darker). Is the pschittapump out of order? Answer me or I’ll have you debrained!
SCENE FIVE
The same. MEMNON showing his head.
MEMNON’S HEAD. It’s not functioning at all, it’s broken down. What a dirty business, like your debraining machine. I’m not afraid of that. It all proves my point - there’s nothing like a sewage barrel. In falling in and popping out again you’ve done more than half the work for me.
PA UBU. By my green candle, I’ll gouge your eyes out - barrel, pumpkin, refuse of humanity! (He shoves him back, then shuts himself in the lavatory recess with THE PALCONTENTS.)
Act Five
SCENE ONE
ACHRAS, REBONTIER.
REBONTIER. Sir, I have just witnessed a most extraordinary incident.
ACHRAS. And I think, look you, Sir, that I’ve seen exactly the same. No matter, go on telling me about it, and we’ll try to find the explanation.
REBONTIER. Sir, I saw the customs officers at the Gare de Lyon opening a packing case to be delivered to - whom do you think?
ACHRAS. I believe I heard someone say that it was addressed to a Mister Ubu at the rue de l’Echaudé.
REBONTIER. Precisely, Sir, and inside were a man and a stuffed monkey.
ACHRAS. A large monkey?
REBONTIER. What do you mean by a large monkey? Simians are always fairly small, and can be recognised by their dark coats and collars of fur of a lighter colour. Great height is an indication of the soul’s aspiration to heaven.
ACHRAS. It’s the same with flies, look you. But shall I tell you what I think? I’m inclined to believe they were mummies.
REBONTIER. Egyptian mummies?
ACHRAS. Yes, Sir, that’s the explanation. There was one that looked like a crocodile, look you, dried up, the skull depressed as in primitive man; the other, look you, had the brow of a thinker, and a most dignified air, ah yes, his hair and beard were white as snow.
REBONTIER. Sir, I don’t know what you’re driving at. Besides, the mummies, including the dignified old monkey, jumped out of their case amid a chorus of yells from the customs men and, to the consternation of the onlookers, took the tram that crosses the pont de l’Alma.
ACHRAS. Great heavens! how astonishing, we too just came here by that conveyance or, look you, for the sake of accuracy, that tramway.
REBONTIER. That’s exactly what I said to myself, Sir. It’s most peculiar that we did not meet them.
SCENE TWO
The same. PA UBU opens the door, illuminated by THE PALCONTENTS.
PA UBU. Ah-ha! Hornstrumpot! (To ACHRAS:) You, Sir, bugger off. You’ve been told to before.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you. This happens to be my home.
PA UBU. Horn of Ubu, Mister Rebontier, it’s you, I don’t doubt any longer, who came to my house to cuckold me, who mistakes my virtuous wife, in other words, for a piss-pot. We shall find ourselves, one fine day, thanks to you, the father of an archaeopteryx or worse, which won’t look at all like us! Basically, we are of the opinion that cuckoldry implies marriage and therefore a marriage without cuckoldry has no validity. But for form’s sake we have decided to punish him severely. Palcontents, knock him down for me!
THE PALCONTENTS belabour REBONTIER.
Lights, please, and you, Sir, answer me. Am I a cuckold?
REBONTIER. OWOWOW, OWOWOWOW!
PA UBU. How disgusting. He can’t reply because he fell on his head. His brain has doubtless received an injury to the Broca convolution, where the faculty of holding forth resides. This convolution is the third frontal convolution on the left as you go in. Ask the hall-porter.... Excuse me, gentlemen, ask any philosopher: ‘This dissolution of the mind is caused by an atrophy which little by little invades the cerebral cortex, then the grey matter, producing a fatty degeneration and atheroma of the cells, tubes, and capillaries of the nerve-substance!’9 There’s nothing to be done with him. We’ll have to make do with twisting the nose and nears, with removal of the tongue and extraction of the teeth, laceration of the posterior, hacking to pieces of the spinal marrow and the partial or total spaghettification of the brain through the heels. He shall first be impaled, then beheaded, then finally drawn and quartered. After which the gentleman will be free, through our great clemency, to go and get himself hanged anywhere he chooses. No more harm will come to him, for I wish to treat him well.
THE PALCONTENTS. Hoy, Mister!
PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! I forgot to consult my Conscience.
He goes back into the lavatory recess. Meanwhile REBONTIER escapes, THE PALCONTENTS howling and screaming at his heels. PA UBU reappears, leading his CONSCIENCE by the hand.
SCENE THREE
ACHRAS, PA UBU, his CONSCIENCE.
PA UBU (to ACHRAS). Hornstrumpot, Sir! So you refuse to bugger off. Like my Conscience here, whom I can’t get rid of.
CONSCIENCE. Sir, don’t make fun of Epictetus in his misfortune.
PA UBU. The stickabeatus is doubtless an ingenious instrument, but the play has gone on quite long enough and we are in no disposition to employ it today.
With a noise like an engine-whistle THE CROCODILE crosses the stage.
SCENE FOUR
The same. THE CROCODILE.
ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you, what on earth is that ?
PA UBU. It’s a boidie.
CONSCIENCE. It’s a most characteristic reptile and moreover (touching it) its hands possess all the properties of a snake’s.
PA UBU. Then it must be a whale, for the whale is the most inflated boidie in existence and this animal seems thoroughly distended.
CONSCIENCE. I tell you it’s a snake.
PA UBU. That should prove to Mister Conscience his stupidity and absurdity. We had come to the same conclusion long before he said so: in fact it is a snake 1 A rattler into the bargain.
ACHRAS (smelling it). Ouf! One thing’s quite certain, look you, it ain’t no polyhedron.
Ubu Enchained
(Ubu Enchaîné)
Five Acts
Translated by Simon Watson Taylor
To the several MASTERS
who acknowledged
his sovereignty while he was king
UBU ENCHAINED
offers the homage of
his shackles
PA UBU. - Homstrumpot! We shall not have suceeded in demolishing everything unless we demolish the ruins as well. But the only way I can see of doing that is to use them to put up a lot of fine, well-designed buildings.
CHARACTERS
Ubu Enchatné remained unperformed until 1937, when ti was presented at the Théâtre de la comédie des Champs-Elysées, Paris, in a production directed by Sylvain Itkine, with sets designed by Mad Ernst and music composed by Frédéric O’Brady.
This translation was first performed by the Traverse Theatre Club, Edinburgh, on September 1st, 1967 with the following cast:
POLICEMEN, WRECKERS, PEOPLE
Directed by Gordon McDougall
Designed by Gerald Scarfe
Lighting by André Tammas
Effects by Ivor Davies
Music and special lighting effects by Mark Boyle and The Soft Machine.
This translation was adapted for radio by Martin Esslin and first broadcast on the BBC Third Programme in July 19
67.
Act One
SCENE ONE
PA UBU, MA UBU.
PA UBU comes forward and says nothing.
MA UBU. What! You say nothing, Pa Ubu! Surely you haven’t forgotten the Word ?
PA UBU. Psch ... aw, Ma Ubu! I don’t want to say that word any longer, it got me into too much trouble.
MA UBU. What do you mean - trouble ? The throne of Poland, the great bonnet, the umbrella ...
PA UBU. I don’t care for the umbrella any longer, Ma Ubu, it’s too hard to handle. I shall just use my science of physics to stop it raining I
MA UBU. Fathead! ... The property of the nobles confiscated, the taxes collected three times over, my own inspiring presence at your awakening in the bear’s cave, the free ride on the ship which brought us back to France where, by pronouncing the glorious Word, you can be appointed Master of Phynances whenever you choose! We’re in France now, Pa Ubu, this is hardly the moment for you to forget how to speak French.
PA UBU. Homstrumpot, Ma Ubu, I spoke French while we were in Poland, but that didn’t stop young Boggerlas from ripping open my boodle, did it, or Captain M’Nure from betraying me most shamefully, or the Tsar from scaring my phynance charger by his stupidity in letting himself fall into a ditch, or the enemy from shooting at our august person despite our instructions to the contrary, or the bear from rending our Palcontents asunder even though we addressed the savage beast in Latin from on top of our rock, or indeed, you, madam our spouse, from dilapidating our treasures and even filching our phynance charger’s dollar a day fodder allowance !
MA UBU. You should forget such minor setbacks. What will we live on if you no longer want to be Master of Phynances or king?
PA UBU. By the work of our hands, Ma Ubu!
MA UBU. What, Pa Ubu, you intend to beat up the passers-by and rob them ?
PA UBU. Oh no, they’d only hit me back! I want to be kind to the passers-by, useful to them, in fact I want to work for the passers-by, Ma Ubu. Now that we are in the land where liberty is equal to fraternity, and fraternity more or less means the equality of legality, and since I am incapable of behaving like everyone else and since being the same as everyone else is all the same to me seeing that I shall certainly end up by killing everyone else, I might as well become a slave, Ma Ubu!
MA UBU. A slave! But you’re too fat, Pa Ubu!
PA UBU. All the better for doing a fat lot of work. You, madam our female, go and set out our slave apron, and our unmentionable slave brush, and our slave hook, and our slave’s shoe-polishing kit. But as for yourself, stay just as you are, so that everyone can see plainly that you are wearing your beautiful costume of slave cook!
SCENE TWO
The Parade Ground. The THREE FREE MEN, their CORPORAL.
THREE FREE MEN. We are the Free Men and this is our Corporal. - Three cheers for freedom, rah, rah, rah! We are free. - Let’s not forget, it’s our duty to be free. Hey! not so fast, or we might arrive on time. Freedom means never arriving on time - never, never ! - for our freedom drills. Let’s disobey together ... No! not together: one, two, three! the first will disobey on the count of one, the second on two, the third on three. That makes all the difference. Let’s each march out of step with the other two, however exhausting it may be to keep it up. Let’s disobey individually - here comes the corporal of the Free Men!
CORPORAL, Fall in!
They fall out.
You, Free Man number three, you get two days’ detention for being in line with number two. The training-manual lays down quite clearly that you must be free! — Individual drills in disobedience ... Blind and unwavering indiscipline at all times constitutes the real strength of all Free Men. - Slope ... arms !
THREE FREE MEN. Let’s talk in the ranks. - Let’s disobey. - The first on the count of one, the second on the count of two, the third on the count of three. - One, two, three !
CORPORAL. As you were! Number one, you should have grounded arms; number two, surrendered your weapon; number three thrown your rifle six paces behind you and then tried to strike a libertarian attitude. Fall out! One, two! one two!
They fall in and then march off, being careful not to march in step.
SCENE THREE
PA UBU, MA UBU.
MA UBU. Oh! Pa Ubu, how handsome you look in your cap and apron. Now go and find some Free Man and try out your hook and your shoe-polishing brush on him, so that you can start off in your new duties right away.
PA UBU. Ah ha! I can see three or four specimens scurrying off over there.
MA UBU. Catch one, Pa Ubu.
PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! I shall be delighted to do so. Polishing of the feet, cutting of the hair, singeing of the moustaches, forcing of the little wooden pick into the nearoles ...
MA UBU. Hey, are you out of your mind, Pa Ubu! You must imagine you’re still King of Poland.
PA UBU. Madam my female, I know exactly what I’m doing, and you - you don’t know what you’re talking about. When I was king I did all that for my further glory and for Poland; but now I’m going to institute a modest price-list and they’ll have to pay me: twisting of the nose, for instance, will cost three francs twenty-five. For an even smaller sum I’ll beat you up with your own egg-whisk.
MA UBU flees.
Let us follow these people, in any case, and offer them our services.
SCENE FOUR
PA UBU, the CORPORAL, the THREE FREE MEN. The CORPORAL and the FREE MEN march up and down for some time; then PA UBU falls into step with them.
CORPORAL. Slope ... arms!
PA UBU obeys with his unmentionable brush.
PA UBU. Hurrah for the Pschittanarmy!
CORPORAL. Halt! Halt! Or rather, no ! Disobey by not halting!
The FREE MEN halt, PA UBU steps forward from the ranks.
Who is this new recruit, freer than any of you, who has invented an arms drill I’ve never seen before in all the seven years I’ve been ordering ‘Slope ... arms !’ ?
PA UBU. We obeyed the command, Sir, in order to carry out our slavish duties. I have performed the motions of ‘slope arms’.
CORPORAL. I’ve explained this piece of drill time and time again, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen it done properly. Your theoretical knowledge of freedom is greater than mine, since you even go so far as to obey commands. You are the greatest Free Man of us all. Your name, Sir ?
PA UBU. Herr Ubu, sometime King of Poland and Aragon, Count of Mondragon, Count of Sandomir, Marquis of Saint-Gregory. At present, slave, at your service, Mister ...?
CORPORAL. Pissweet ... Corporal of the Free Men ... but, when ladies are present, the Marquis of Grandmeadow. Please remember, I beg you, to address me only by my title, even if you should find yourself in command over me, which seems likely, since I can tell from your knowledge of the Freedom training-manual that you must be a sergeant at least.
PA UBU. Corporal Pissweet, we shall remember, Sir. But I have come to this country to be a slave, not to give orders, although it is true that I was in fact a sergeant once, when I was a little boy, and even a captain of dragoons. Corporal Pissweet, farewell.
He marches off.
CORPORAL. Farewell, Count of Saint-Gregory. - Squad, halt
The FREE MEN march across the stage and exeunt.
SCENE FIVE
ELEUTHERIA, PISSALE.
PISSALE. Eleutheria, my dear, I’m afraid we are rather late.
ELEUTHERIA. Uncle Pissale ...
PISSALE. Never call me that, even when there’s no one around ! Marquis of Grandair - a far simpler name, you will agree, and one which when pronounced does not make people turn round and stare. You could at least address me simply as ‘uncle’.
ELEUTHERIA. Uncle, it really doesn’t matter if we are late. Since you got me this job ...
PISSALE. Through my important connections.
ELEUTHERIA.... as canteen-girl to the Free Men, I have memorized a few of the rules in their Freedom training-manual. I arrive late, so they don’t get a
nything to drink, so they’re thirsty and understand all the better how useful it is to have a canteen-girl.
PISSALE. In fact they never see you at all. It would be more sensible if you stopped coming altogether and so saved your uncle from being roasted by the hot sun on this parade ground every day.
BLBUTHBRIA. Uncle Piss ... I mean, uncle, why don’t you simply stay at home then ?
PISSALE. That would not be proper, niece. You are a young girl, Eleutheria, and I must keep an eye on the Free Men to see that they don’t take too many liberties with you. A permissive uncle is a living scandal. You are not a free ... woman, you are my niece. I have already arranged, with great ingenuity, that although it is the custom in this land of the free to go naked, in your case your decolletage is confined to your feet ...
BLBUTHBRIA. So that’s why you never buy me shoes !
PISSALE. Besides, I’m less worried about the Free Men than I am about your fiancé, the Marquis of Grandmeadow.
ELEUTHERIA. And yet you’re giving a ball in his honour this evening ... Oh, uncle, hasn’t he got a gorgeous name!