by Alfred Jarry
PA UBU. Horn of Ubu! That was because he never got anything to eat! It’s true that my iron balls don’t eat either, and wouldn’t complain if you stole from them. Besides, I no longer have the account books in which I used to study your embezzlements. But enough of these considerations! From now on it will be those in charge of the Turkish galleys who will be robbing me, Ma Ubu, not you any longer. Farewell, Ma Ubu! We really should have a band to play stirring military music at our parting.
MA UBU. Look, here comes the escort of guards in their beautiful yellow-braided uniforms.
PA UBU. Ah well, from now on we shall have to content ourselves with the monotonous clanking of our chains. Farewell once more, Ma Ubu. Soon I shall be regaled by the sound of splashing waves and creaking oars! My Gaoler will look after you.
MA UBU. Farewell, Pa Ubu. If you should decide to come back any time for a little peace and quiet, you’ll find me in the same stoutly-built little room, and by then I’ll have embroidered you a beautiful pair of slippers. Ah, these farewells are too heart-breaking! I’ll accompany you at least as far as the door I
PA UBU, MA UBU and the CONVICTS move off towards the door at the back of the stage, dragging their chains behind them and jostling and tripping over each other.
SCENE FIVE
The square in front of the prison. LORD CORNHOLER, his valet JACK, THE THREE FREE MEN, THE GAOLER. THE GAOLER removes the bars, draws the bolts and unlocks all the locks on the outside of the door.
CORNHOLER. Jack! Strike the tent and sweep up all these empty tins of corned beef, so that we can receive Their Majesties with due ceremonyl
FIRST FREE MAN (dead drunk, waving an empty bottle). Long live the King! Long live the King! Hurrah for the King !
SECOND FREE MAN. Idiot! That’s Pa Ubu and Ma Ubu!
THIRD FREE MAN. Psst! Shut up, and we’ll get our share of tips and free drinks!
SECOND FREE MAN. Me shut up? We’re Free Men, aren’t we! (At the top of his voice.) Long live the King! Hey! Hurrah for the King!
The door opens. The GUARDS start coming out.
SCENE SIX
The same. GUARDS, PA UBU, MA UBU.
PA UBU (stopping in amazement in the doorway, at the head of the flight of steps leading down to the square, With MA UBU at his side). Hornstrumpot, I must be losing my mind I What’s the meaning of all this shouting and banging about? And all these drunken louts, they’re as bad as the ones back in Poland! Help! They’re going to crown me king again and beat me black and blue!
MA UBU. These fine upstanding individuals are not drunk at all. On the contrary. See, here’s one all decked out in lace trimmings and gold braid who’s just come up to beg the honour of kissing my regal hand!
CORNHOLER. Jack! Come back here, you naughty boy! First look up in the dictionary the words ‘King’ and ‘Queen’.
JACK (reading out). King, Queen: he or she who wears a ceremonial metal collar around the neck, and ornaments such as chains and cords at the wrists and ankles. Carries an orb representing the world ...
CORNHOLER. The king of this country is a great, fat, double king! He has two orbs, and drags them with his feet instead of carrying them.
JACK (reading out). King of France, similar model. Wears a cloak bearing a design of fleur-de-lys buckled at the shoulder.
CORNHOLER. This king’s shoulder is quite bare, and there’s a beautiful red fleur-de-lys inlaid into the skin itself. He must be a real, hereditary king of ancient lineage! Long live the King!
JACK and THREE PREE MEN (together). Long live the King! Hurrah for the King!
PA UBU. God Almighty! I’m lost! Hornstrumpot, where can I hide?
MA UBU. You’ve made a fine mess of your plans for being a slave! You wanted to polish these people’s feet, and now these same people are kissing your hands! And they don’t seem any more squeamish about it than you do!
PA UBU. Madam our wife, watch out for your nearoles! We’ll inflict severe punishment when we have more leisure. Right now, we’re going to send this mob graciously on its way, just like in the good old days when our royal person’s bumboozle overflowed the edges of the throne of Wenceslas ... - Hornboodle, pack of guttersnipes ! Bugger off this instant, all of you! We don’t like people creating an uproar in our presence, no one has ever dared to do so before, and we don’t intend to let you be the ones to start! So shut up and piss off!
Everyone withdraws most respectfully, with repeated cries of ‘Long live the King’.
SCENE SEVEN
PA UBU, MA UBU, THE CONVICTS, among the latter the LEADER OF THE CONVICTS and BROTHER BUNG. THE CONVICTS s have sneaked up behind PA UBU during his peroration, and are now sprawling all over the stage.
MA UBU. Ah, they’ve gone at last. But what’s this bunch of riffraff doing here ?
PA UBU. These are friends, Ma Ubu, our prison colleagues, all disciples and loyal henchmen.
CONVICTS. Long live the King!
PA UBU. What, again! Quiet, I say, or by my green candle I’ll beat you all up good and proper!
LEADER OF THE CONVICTS. Don’t be angry with us, Pa Ubu. We are addressing you by your title because it is eternally linked with your name, and thus we are demonstrating our faithful attachment to your glorious past. Besides, we hope that between friends and colleagues, so to speak, your innate modesty may yet permit us to boast of your exploits !
MA UBU. Oh, what a beautiful speech!
PA UBU. My friends, I am deeply touched. However, I’m doling out no money ...
MA UBU. Ah, I should hope not!
PA UBU. Silence, clownish female! ... because we aren’t in Poland any longer. But I wish to make due recognition of your loyalty and efficiency by handing out a few promotions - that is, if you won’t refuse to accept such honours from our hand - our royal hand, since it pleases you to insist on our title. The chief advantage of this distribution of honours is that it will reduce the queue of those fighting to acquire precedence in carrying segments of the great chain of office which stretches out behind our bumboozle! You there, venerable Leader of our noble Convicts, you old embezzler, you, we hereby create you Grand Treasurer of our Phynances! You over there, the legless cripple imprisoned for forgery and murder, we appoint you Commander-in-Chief! And you, Brother Bung, who share a small section of our great iron rosary, too, for lechery, extortion, and wilful destruction of private property, shall be our Grand Almoner! You, convicted poisoner, from now on you’re our personal physician! And all the rest of you, thieves, bandits, brain-extruders, I name you all without exception gallant Craptains of our Pschittanarmy!
Act Five
SCENE ONE
The square in front of the prison. ELEUTHERIA, PISSALE, PISSWEET, THE FREE MEN, PEOPLE.
PISSWEET. Forward, comrades! Hurrah for freedom! That fat slab of galley-fodder, Pa Ubu, has been taken away with the rest of the chain-gang, the prisons are empty, and nobody’s left but Ma Ubu who’s unsewing mailbags and converting them into carpet-slippers. We are free to do what we want, even to obey. We are free to go anywhere we choose, even to prison! Slavery is the only true freedom!
ALL. Hurrah for Pissweet!
PISSWEET. In response to your pleas, I agree to take over command. Forward! Let’s break into the prisons and abolish freedom!
ALL. Hurrah, hurrah! Let’s all obey. Forward! Off to the prison!
SCENE TWO
The same. MA UBU, THE GAOLER.
PISSWEET. Ha! there’s Ma Ubu, using the bars of her cell as a mask. She looked better without the disguise ... ah, what a pretty little girl she was once upon a time.
MA UBU. Vile Pissweet!
GAOLER. No entry here, gentlemen. Who are you, anyway?
Shouts, yells and jostling.
Free Men, are you? On your way, then, go on, move along there!
FIRST FREE MAN. Let’s smash the bars of the cells!
SECOND FREE MAN. No, no, if we did that we’d no longer feel at home once we got in !
THIRD FREE MAN. Let’s break the d
oor down!
ELEUTHERIA. Yes, please do. I’ve been tugging at the bell-rope for hours, but my concierge still hasn’t opened up.
MA UBU (furiously). Go on, knock, I’ll open up all right!
She reaches through the bars of her cell window, clutching a stone jug, and bangs PISSALE on the head with it, splitting him neatly in half from top to toe.
PISSALE (both halves in unison). Don’t be alarmed, dear child. You now have two uncles.
ALL. Aha! Home at last. In we go.
The door gives way, and they all pour in. THE GAOLER flees. MA UBU emerges. The door slams shut on her ball and chain, trapping her. But ELEUTHERIA slips her arm through the prison’s wicket-gate, and cuts the chain with a pair of nail-scissors.
SCENE THREE
The convoy making its way across Slaveonia. GUARDS, CONVICTS, PA UBU.
PA UBU. Hornstrumpot, we’re perishing! Mister Boss, Sir, be good enough to continue dragging us along by our chain so as to take some of the weight off our ball. And you, Mister Guard, Sir, pray put our manacles back on, so that we won’t have to go to the trouble of clasping our hands behind our back as is our usual custom when going out for a stroll. And please screw our iron collar tighter round our neck so that we won’t catch cold!
GUARD. Cheer up, Pa Ubu, we’ve nearly reached the port where the galleys are waiting.
PA UBU. We deplore more than ever the fact that the state of our finances still does not permit us to acquire our own private Black Maria. As it is, our iron balls absolutely refuse to walk ahead of us and pull us after them, so we have had to make the entire journey pulling them ourselves by means of our feet, and even then they have insisted on stopping at frequent intervals, presumably to relieve themselves.
SCENE FOUR
The same. THE GAOLER.
GAOLER (running up). All is lost, Pa Ubu!
PA UBU. What, again! Look, I’m not a king any more, you nincompoop!
GAOLER. The Masters have revolted! The Free Men have become slaves, I’ve been thrown out, and Ma Ubu has been abducted from her prison cell. To prove the truth of what I’m saying: look, here’s Ma Ubu’s iron ball ...
The ball is trundled in in a wheelbarrow.
... which she’s been judged unworthy to wear, and which, in any case, broke its chain by itself, refusing to follow her any longer!
PA UBU (stuffs the ball into his pocket). Oof! to hell with these watches without watch-chains ! Any heavier and it would have bust my pocket!
GAOLER. The Masters have moved their wives and children into the prisons. They’ve invaded the arsenals and are having a hard time finding enough cannon-balls to rivet to their legs as a badge of slavery. What’s more, they’re planning to get into Soliman’s galleys ahead of you and occupy your seats.
ALL THE GUARDS. I’m joining the rebellion! - Hurrah for slavery! - Yah, we’ve had enough of this! We want to be slaves too, bugger it!
PA UBU (to a GUARD). Here, we present you with our own ball, pray don’t bother to thank us. We shall ask you to return it to us after we have had a little rest.
He gives the balls to carry to the GUARDS on either side of him. THE CONVICTS, giving in to the entreaties of the GUARDS, load them with their chains. A confused din can be heard in the distance.
GUARDS and CONVICTS. Ohl oh! it’s the rebel Masters! I
PA UBU. Come now, gentlemen! Let’s pluck up our courage by both handles. I see that you are armed and ready to face the enemy valiantly. As for ourself, now that we are once more light-footed, we intend to go quietly on our way without awaiting the arrival of these people who are, we fear, evilly disposed towards us. Luckily for us, it seems from that loud clanking noise I hear that they are heavily loaded with chains.
GAOLER. No, that’s the noise of cannon! They’ve got artillery, Pa Ubu.
PA UBU. Oh! I’m scared to death. Let’s get back to the comfort of prison and carpet-slippers!
Cannons are wheeled on and surround the stage.
SCENE FIVE
The same. PISSWERT, THE FREE MEN in Chains.
PISSWEET. Surrender, Pa Ubu! Hand over your iron collar, manacles and chains! Be free! We’re going to strip you stark naked and show the world what you look like without your jewellery!
PA UBU. Oh yes, Mister Pissweet ? Just you try and catch me ... (He runs off.)
PISSWEET. Load the cannons. Fire on that big barrel of cowardice !
THIRD FREE MAN. Let’s obey. All together now, on the count of three!
FIRST FREE MAN. Hey, Corporal, the cannon-ball didn’t go off.
SECOND FREE MAN. Too true. It’s the third Free Man’s leg that went off!
FIRST FREE MAN. Left foot forward, as usual, the clumsy oaf.
SECOND FREE MAN. There are no cannon-balls left in the battery, Corporal. We used them all up attaching them to our ankles as symbols of our newly-won slavery.
PA UBU (reappears). Don’t worry! Here’s Ma Ubu’s ball, it’s been weighing down our pocket and we’re glad to get rid of it. (He hurls it at PISSWEET and scores a direct hit.) Now try some of this grape-shot! (He massacres the FREE MEN by swinging a line of chained GUARDS at them.)
FREE MEN. Help! Run for your lives!
They run away, dragging their chains behind them and pursued by the now unencumbered CONVICTS. From time to time, PA UBU grabs hold of the end of the chain, jerking the whole file to a halt.
GAOLER. We’re saved, we’re saved! Look, there are the Turkish galleys!
The rout is halted. SOLIMAN, his VIZIER and his retinue appear at the back of the stage.
SCENE SIX
The headquarters of the Turks. SOLIMAN, the VIZIER.
SOLIMAN. Vizier, have you taken delivery of two hundred slaves ?
VIZIER. Sire, I have signed a receipt for that many slaves, since this was the number stipulated in our agreement with the Free Country, but the convoy in fact consists of more than two thousand heads. I just don’t understand. Most of them are ridiculously festooned with chains and are loudly demanding fetters and leg-irons, which I understand even less, unless this is their way of showing their eagerness to participate in the honour of rowing in Your Majesty’s galleys.
SOLIMAN. How about Pa Ubu?
VIZIER. Pa Ubu claims his balls and chains were stolen from him on the way. He’s in a terrible rage and threatens to stuff everyone in his pocket. At the moment he’s breaking all the oars and smashing the benches while testing their solidity.
SOLIMAN. Enough! Treat him with the greatest respect. It’s not that I’m afraid of his violent nature ... Now that I’ve seen him in person, I realize how far greater he is even than report had it. I was so impressed by his noble air and majestic presence, in fact, that I made some private enquiries which have yielded an additional title to fame for him. - Know then the real identity of this Pa Ubu who has been sent to me as a slave: he is my own long-lost brother, abducted many years ago by French pirates, and kept at hard labour in various convict prisons, whereby he was able to work his way up to the eminent position of King of Aragon and later King of Poland ! Kiss the ground beneath his hands, but do not on any account reveal to him this astonishing news, for if he got an inkling of it he’d immediately install himself here in my empire with his whole family, and he’d be bound to gobble up my fortune in no time at all. Shove him on board a ship, and be quick about it. It doesn’t matter where the ship’s bound for, so long as we get him out of this country. See to it.
VIZIER. Sire, I obey.
SCENE SEVEN
PA UBU, MA UBU.
MA UBU. Pa Ubu, these people are herding us on board like cattle.
PA UBU. So much the better. I’ll be able to supervise the bull-pschitt while all the others row.
MA UBU. You’ve not had much of a success as a slave, have you, Pa Ubu? Nobody wants to be your master any longer.
PA UBU. What d’you mean? Things couldn’t be better. Private sources have revealed to me that my Strumpot is huger than the whole world, and therefore worthie
r of my services. From now on I shall be the slave of my Strumpot.
MA UBU. Ah, you’re so right, as usual, Pa Ubu.
SCENE EIGHT
The leading galley. PA UBU, MA UBU, THE GAOLER, all the chwacters who have appeared during the play, chained to the benches as GALLEY-SLAVES.
PA UBU. Look at all that greenery, Ma Ubu! You’d think we were in a cow-pasture.
CONVICTS (chanting in rhythm as they row). Let’s mow the great meadow with sweeps of our scythes!
PA UBU. Yes, green is the colour of hope. Let us await a happy ending to all our adventures.
MA UBU. What strange music! They’re all singing through their noses: they must have caught cold from the early-morning dew!
GAOLER. Just to please you, sir and madam, I’ve replaced the galley-slaves’ usual muzzles with kazoos.
CONVICTS (chanting in rhythm). Let’s mow the great meadow with sweeps of our scythes !
GAOLER. Would you care to take command of the ship, Pa Ubu?
PA UBU. Oh no! Even though you’ve chucked me out of this country and are taking me God knows where as a passenger in this galley, I still remain Ubu Enchained, Ubu slave, and I’m not giving any orders ever again. That way people will obey me all the more promptly.
MA UBU. We’re getting farther and farther away from France, Pa Ubu.