by Brook Wilder
Yeah, I knew that too. “I guess the pills aren’t really one hundred percent effective, are they?”
Leigh shook her head. “I guess not. I mean we were so careful.”
I ran a hand through my hair, not even sure how I felt right now. I was, well, I was fucking scared. I wasn’t dad material, not even close. Children hadn’t been part of the picture. “Let’s take some more tests,” I finally said. “Just to be sure.”
“All right,” she said. “I have more at my house.”
Forgetting about supper, I followed Leigh over to her house, right into the bathroom where I saw the tests on the counter. Snatching up one, I read the directions.
Pee on the stick and wait. That wasn’t too hard. Hell, maybe I should even take one to ensure they weren’t duds.
“Um, Jonathan?”
Looking at Leigh, I saw the blush on her cheeks. Oh yeah, I didn’t need for her to pee in front of me. “Sorry,” I said awkwardly. “I will just be outside. Go on, take them all.”
She gave me a jerky nod and I walked out of the bathroom, waiting until she shut the door before I slid down the wall, wiping a hand over my face. This could not be happening. Leigh was pregnant. Sure, I had thought about moving the relationship along, maybe even thinking she could be the one in a year or two.
But kids? I wasn’t ready for kids. I couldn’t bring one into this world, not with this job. It would put the poor tyke and his or her mom in all sorts of danger. I was already taking a chance by having this fling with her.
I let out a short, tortured laugh. Well it was too late to think about what I shouldn’t have done. If Leigh was pregnant, then she would be having my kid. I didn’t believe in terminating anything, nor did I believe in mistakes.
This had happened for a reason, a damn good one. Was this the sign I had been looking for, a chance to settle down and make something of myself in her eyes?
Or was this God’s way of punching me in the gut and telling me to get my shit together?
Either that or he was secretly laughing at his poor attempt to screw up my life.
No, it wasn’t screwing it up. I just didn’t know how to handle this. Besides, Leigh and I hadn’t even made anything official between us.
I wasn’t so sure if we should. I had seen too many couples rush headlong into a relationship or even marriage because they had gotten pregnant. None of them were still together.
I didn’t want that for me and Leigh. We had the mutual attraction to each other and a good friendship. I didn’t want to ruin that between us.
Shit. I was going to be a father. I didn’t have one in my life, instead referring to him as a bastard who helped create me and that was about it. He wasn’t there for my mom and escaped overseas whenever he could. When he returned, things would be better for a while, but he didn’t know how to function as a husband or a father.
Fighting was all he knew.
When he died, my mom didn’t really know how to function either. The money was no longer flowing through her hands and since she had never truly worked, she was lost. The day she died was more like a blessing than a reason to mourn. I lived in the house for a month before someone caught on that I couldn’t pay the fucking bills and I was out.
Hell, I didn’t even have a picture of my parents.
And now I was expected to be one.
Sighing, I rested my head against the wall. It would be the punk thing to do to walk away and let Leigh take care of the kid by herself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did something like that to her. It wasn’t her fault that she had gotten pregnant and she hadn’t done it by herself. No, I would support her and the kid in any way I could.
A kid. I thought about a little boy who would have his daddy’s love of bikes and I grinned. There were a few of the guys that had a kid now and the shit-eating grins on their faces were hard to ignore. Being a parent, that was something special.
Oh shit. What if it was a little girl? My heart hammered against my chest as I thought about some punk kid like me trying to date her. Poor thing. She wouldn’t have a shot at dating, not as long as I was around.
One thing for sure; the kid would be taken care of. Whatever he or she needed, no matter what happened between me and Leigh, the child would get.
The door opened and I looked up, seeing Leigh’s tired face. “They are all positive,” she said softly. “All of them.”
Immediately my eyes went to her stomach. “You’re pregnant.”
“We are pregnant,” she corrected.
I pushed myself off the floor, feeling like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my fucking chest. It was confirmed. I was going to be a dad. Reaching over, I pulled her against me, feeling her tremble in my grip. “Don’t worry,” I said, my hand in her hair. “I will be here every step of the way. I swear it.”
Her arms locked around my waist and I felt the tears soak through my shirt. “I don’t know what I am doing.”
“Hey,” I said, pulling her back to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Neither do I, but we will figure it out together, all right?”
She looked away, biting her lip. “I-I don’t want to push you into anything you know, serious, just because I am pregnant.”
Well, hell. That didn’t make me feel as good as I thought it would. What did I want? I wanted Leigh to be safe and happy. I wanted our kid to feel like he or she was loved by both of his or her parents.
But I wasn’t so sure if we should be more exclusive now. My tongue felt thick in my mouth and I suddenly wanted to tell her that we should give it a shot at least, maybe even attempt to move in together.
I didn’t want this to separate us.
The look on her face, the indecision in her eyes, forced me to hold back. Maybe she had already thought this out and decided that I was shitty fatherhood material. I didn’t have anything to offer and didn’t even know how to be a father to begin with.
This was a fucking hot mess. “We will take it one day at a time, all right?”
She drew in a sharp breath, stepping out of my arms. “One day at a time.”
I suddenly didn’t know what to do with myself. It had never been awkward between us, both of us gravitating to each other naturally.
Now I didn’t even know if it was all right to continue to touch her.
“I think I am going to go to bed early,” Leigh said after a moment, attempting a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
I took a few steps back. “Okay, well I will text you in the morning, all right?”
“Good night, Jonathan.”
“Night, Leigh.”
It wasn’t until I was outside that I realized she had just kicked me out. “Shit,” I muttered, stalking the entire way to my house, slamming the door behind me before resting against it. I didn’t want to be separated from her. I never did. She was all I thought about when I wasn’t balls deep in club business.
One change. That’s all it took for this thing between us to get awkward and lose some of its steam. What if I couldn’t provide the things Leigh and the baby needed? What if I was killed? I didn’t even have insurance or a plan for retirement.
I didn’t even have a fucking job, according to the papers that the US government got every year.
Groaning, I walked to the kitchen, bypassing the beer and going straight for the whiskey bottle in the kitchen cabinet. Unscrewing the cap, I took a large shot, feeling the burn all the way to my stomach.
One thing was for sure. I was going to have to figure it out. I was supposed to be the provider and while I had a nice stash of cash that would do me for quite some time, I hadn’t anticipated having a kid. Kids were expensive and the older they got, the higher the price tag.
Chains was going to flip his shit.
Chapter 8
Leigh
I threw all the tests in the trash, wishing that I could bury the last twenty-four hours as easily. The house was as silent as a tomb and I felt slightly nauseous again.
Not from the pregna
ncy but from the cold distance that had just happened between me and Jonathan. Never had we ended our time together so formally, so unlike us.
I hated it.
Walking out of the bathroom, I made my way to my bed and fell upon it carefully, grabbing the pillow so I could catch my tears. I never would have imagined this would be the way that my life would go. I was pregnant by a man that I really didn’t know all that well and I wasn’t so sure he was completely sold on the idea.
I mean he didn’t even have a real job! I didn’t know what he did on a daily basis or how that would impact our future.
Our child’s future.
My hand went down and cupped my stomach protectively, thinking about the little life growing there. It wasn’t the kid’s fault that his or her parents were not ready for this.
Or that we had put the cart before the horse. That was the funny thing about life. The best-laid plans could never be predicted to actually occur.
This certainly wasn’t one of my plans and I knew it wasn’t Jonathan’s either. He would have to tell someone, like the Jesters’ president, I was sure. Would he get out of the bike club now?
Would I and the baby be a target for his enemies? The thought made my blood run cold. There was nothing I could do about it now other than move to another state. That would not be fair to Jonathan though. I really, really hoped that he was going to be involved. I had seen the side of Jonathan that was caring and special.
He would be a wonderful father.
Which left me staying here, hoping that his enemies would never learn about me or this child.
Wiping a tear away, I thought about the way we had left things. I didn’t want to be his enemy, nor did I want to trap him in a relationship that he didn’t want.
My romantic heart had just hoped that maybe he would have demanded for us to give it a shot. There was something between us, something special, but it was like the announcement of a child had squashed it.
Was it just a week or so ago that I had wondered if I was in love with him?
I sighed. Just because I was pregnant didn’t mean my feelings for him had changed. I just didn’t want to force him into something he didn’t want to do.
Which meant I would have to nurse my broken heart if this didn’t work out between us.
Another broken heart.
No matter what Brad had done to me, I had still loved him. My therapist had called it survivor love, but I didn’t think that was the case. He hadn’t always been like that and in the first few months, he had wined and dined me to bolster my feelings for him.
I had, in fact, loved him.
That love had turned to hate over time, especially when the abuse had started, but it had still been there. When he had died, I had felt both sad and set free. Brad had been a major pivotal part in my life and had changed my life forever.
Now Jonathan was taking his place. Not in the literal sense though. I had only ever felt safe and protected in Jonathan’s presence.
Well, except tonight. It wasn’t that he had scared me, but more so made me feel that sense of foreboding.
Like there was a wall between us.
I didn’t like it.
My stomach rumbled loudly, and I laughed aloud, my voice echoing throughout the house. Well, one thing was for sure, I would love to get my appetite back.
***
Two weeks later, I nibbled on what was left of my fingernail as I waited for Jonathan to arrive. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks, hearing him come in late at night or not at all.
Not that I was spying on him.
But when I set up my first doctor’s appointment, I had texted him on a whim. I didn’t know if he would be interested in attending or not, but Jonathan had texted me right back, stating he would be there.
It warmed my heart, it really did. After two weeks of no contact with him, not even his customary texts that he normally sent, I was glad to see he hadn’t brushed me off totally.
Now I waited outside of the doctor’s office, attempting not to tap my foot nervously. What would he say once he arrived?
What would I say?
Why was I so nervous? This man had seen me naked. I shouldn’t be nervous.
When the sound of a motorcycle filled the air, my heart skipped a beat as Jonathan came into view. He looked so comfortable on the bike, his hat turned backwards and his sunglasses covering his beautiful eyes. I saw that he had ditched his vest, opting for a dress shirt rolled up to his elbows and jeans.
This was my baby daddy.
A smile crossed my lips as he pulled into the parking spot and cut the engine, swinging his long leg over the seat. “Hey,” he said, sliding his sunglasses into his shirt pocket.
“Hey yourself,” I answered as he walked toward me. “You came.”
He grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him until we were nose to nose. “Of course I came.”
I placed my hand to his chest, finding his heart beating rapidly under my touch. “I-I’ve missed you.”
His gaze softened. “I’ve missed you too, Leigh, so damn much. I’ve been busy and neglected you. I’m sorry.”
Jonathan’s words were sincere, and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. He hadn’t pushed me away after all. Maybe he was just scared.
I was scared to death. “You ready to do this?”
He brushed his lips over mine. “Yeah, I am.”
I drew in a shaky breath and pulled back. “Then let’s go.”
He laced his fingers with mine and we walked in, where I was checked in and shown to a room where I was asked to give a urine sample and had my finger pricked. Jonathan stayed with me the entire time (except when I went to the bathroom to pee in the cup) and we waited for the doctor to come in with the results.
Jonathan leaned back in the chair while I sat on the exam table, my legs swinging idly. There were flutters in my stomach and not because I could feel the baby yet either. This was huge. I still was in small denial that I could be pregnant but if the doctor told us that we were, then it would all be real.
“Are you nervous?”
“A little,” I admitted. “You look tired.” He did. His eyes had dark circles under them, his handsome face looking drawn.
He rubbed a hand over his face. “You should be worried about you, not me.”
“I’m only telling the truth,” I said softly. “Are you not sleeping?”
He gave a half shrug. “Some. Not nearly enough. Don’t worry about me, Leigh. I’ll be okay.”
Okay wasn’t good enough for me. I opened my mouth to retort, but the door opened, and the doctor stepped through. “Leigh?” he asked.
“That’s me,” I answered, liking his warm smile.
“I’m Dr. James,” he stated, shaking my hand. “Congratulations. You are officially pregnant.”
All the air left my lungs at his confirmation. “I—thank you.”
He smiled wider as he patted my arm. “I know it might be a shock, but you will get through this.”
I gave him a faint smile, willing myself not to throw up on the good doctor. I was really pregnant. I was going to be a mother in about eight months.
A mother. I didn’t know how to be a mother!
“Is there anything she shouldn’t do?” I heard Jonathan ask.
Dr. James chuckled. “I wouldn’t go skydiving or deep-sea fishing for a while for her nausea’s sake, but no, there’s no restrictions. Just don’t go join a weightlifting competition unless that has been your thing to do, of course.”
“I read that pregnant women shouldn’t eat fish,” Jonathan continued, surprising me. He had been reading about pregnancy?
“In moderation,” Dr. James replied, looking at me. “No alcohol and don’t smoke or be around people who do. Make sure to get plenty of sleep at night and try to drink caffeine in moderation.”
“You hear that?” Jonathan grinned. “No more coffee.”
I glared at him. “Me? No coffee? That’s not a pretty picture.”
Dr. Jame
s laughed. “I said in moderation. You will be just fine and you both will make great parents. It’s heartwarming to see you both engaged in this journey together. After all, it takes two to make a miracle.”
“Thank you, doctor,” I finally said, keeping myself together.
He nodded and walked out of the room, promising to get the nurse to explain my next steps. “Well,” Jonathan said after a moment. “We are pregnant.”
My heart did an extra leap at the mention of we. It wasn’t going to be just me on this journey, but the two of us attempting to figure out how to be parents. “I guess so.”