by M. R. Holman
this introduction. The applause was not slow due to lack of enthusiasm, but due to the resistance the water caused as the audience tried to clap. Robot Nessie zoomed its electronically powered vision in on Murphy the Merman, devoting all of its processors to obtaining as much comedy data as possible.
"Hey hey! How is everybody doing tonight?" Murphy the Merman addressed the audience. There was a general murmuring in answer to his question. Murphy the Merman was the first comedian that did not have to wear any underwater breathing equipment in order to perform. Perhaps it was because of this, but he appeared to be much calmer than the last two performers.
"Alright alright," Murphy the Merman said, looking around the room and taking a deep breath of water. "Has anybody here seen a human try to swim?"
"Ohhh, here he goes!" one of the audience members behind Robot Nessie exclaimed in mirth.
"I mean, with all of their reaching and kicking and flailing... I haven't seen that kind of movement since I saw a sasquatch rush to the counter of the Cryptid Cafe after the fresh scones were put out."
The audience howled with laughter. It was a well-known stereotype that sasquatches loved baked goods, especially scones and even more specifically scones from the Cryptid Cafe. Robot Nessie's gears and sprockets spun, causing it to chuckle along with the crowd.
"Seriously though, if you haven't seen a human swim, you gotta take a look. It's funnier than any joke I'm going to tell tonight." Laughter rippled through the crowd once more. There was, however, one scuba gear-clad sasquatch sitting in the back that did not seem the least bit amused.
"It wouldn't be too hard for something to be funnier than your jokes, Murphy," the sasquatch called out over the laughter. Murphy the Merman paused and found the heckler, squinting through the spotlight shining on him through the murky water. He seemed perturbed for perhaps a millisecond, certainly not long enough for anything other than a robot to notice.
"Well, well, well. It appears that I have my first heckler of the evening," Murphy the Merman said to the crowd. They all sat in an uncomfortable silence. Robot Nessie focused intently, hoping to collect data on what to do when a heckler heckles during a stand-up routine.
"Sorry if that last joke hit a little too close to home," Murphy said to the sasquatch. "I'll make it up to you by buying you a fresh scone after the show."
For a moment the sasquatch appeared pleased, but then it realized that Murphy was poking fun at him. The audience cackled with laughter once more. The sasquatch rose to its feet and began to exit the comedy club. Robot Nessie opened its document entitled HECKLETACTICS1 and wrote: REVERSING HECKLE CANCELS HECKLE. CAUSES HECKLER TO LEAVE.
"But seriously though, what cryptid doesn't love a good scone? I'd let someone drag me across the land in a wheelbarrow full of water to get my hands on a fresh scone from the Cryptid Cafe, am I right?"
The crowd erupted. It seemed that Murphy the Merman could do no wrong, comedy-wise. Robot Nessie had still not fully quantified his technique, however... There was something that did not quite add up from watching the merman comedian. It just did not fully make sense in Robot Nessie's artificial intelligence unit.
Robot Nessie had seen Murphy the Merman many times before, but it had never seen him perform like this. There was something off about his movement and mannerisms as well... He was reminiscent of someone or something that Robot Nessie saw quite often, but its processors simply could not place what it was...
It finally clicked with Robot Nessie. This was not Murphy the Merman at all. This was a robot of Murphy the Merman! The traits Robot Nessie had found familiar were traits that it shared as well. The occasional non-fluid movements, the random whirring sounds, the intermittent sparks... It all fit!
The rest of the show went swimmingly for Murphy the Merman. He exited the stage to gales of laughter and applause. Robot Nessie sat up and swiveled its mechanical neck, searching for Jean. It spotted the kelpie by the bar and swam to it immediately.
"Jean, may I speak to the main act, Murphy the Merman?" Robot Nessie asked in its mechanized Australian accent.
"I suppose that would be alright. Just don't tell everyone I'm letting you do this," Jean said, abandoning the bar and leading Robot Nessie backstage. They passed the jackalope and the chupacabra sitting on a couch together and discussing their routines as great plumes of bubbles rose from their underwater breathing apparatuses. Robot Nessie nodded its head at them as they passed. Jean knocked on a door.
A few moments later, Murphy the Merman appeared at the doorway and invited them in. With great difficulty, Robot Nessie squeezed through the doorway and into the comedian's dressing room.
"Well, I'll let you two talk comedy," Jean said, trotting out of the room.
When the door had closed, Murphy the Merman rotated his head three-hundred and sixty degrees to face Robot Nessie. "I was wondering if you'd recognize what I was," The robot merman said coolly.
"It took my artificial intelligence unit a while to process it out, but eventually all the pieces came together. Why were you created?"
"So that the real Murphy the Merman can perform elsewhere or just live his life in general. You?"
"Same," Robot Nessie said simply.
"You're interested in comedy?" Murphy the Robot Merman asked.
"I am," said Robot Nessie in a monotone Australian accent. "I've actually performed a few times but it has not gone too well. I can't deal with hecklers as good as you do."
"Ah, I had the same problem until I installed the stand-up comedy upgrade with the heckler deflection patch to my artificial intelligence unit,"
"The stand-up comedy upgrade with heckler deflection patch?" Robot Nessie asked, flabbergasted that such a thing existed.
"That's right. Just go to the Robo-Parts Unlimited web site, go to the customer service link, and follow the instructions for the install. It should be one of the first links."
Robot Nessie was already logging into the site before Murphy the Robot Merman had even finished speaking. The text of the links were briefly emboldened as Robot Nessie passed over them. It clicked the customer service link and was transported to a different site.
"Wait, it’s taking me to a different site...?" Robot Nessie said confusedly, as it caused the web page to turn transparent so it could see Murphy the Robot Merman.
"Oh, right. I think it’s a third party customer service agency that distributes the software. No worries, you're on the right track," the robot merman said.
Robot Nessie shifted its full attention back to the web page of the third party customer service agency. For some reason there was a North Pole theme with a great deal of elves and reindeer and presents. There was even a Santa Claus who audibly said 'Ho ho ho' every time Robot Nessie scrolled over a link. A few links from the top, Robot Nessie found its goal.
Robot Nessie clicked the link and began to download the stand-up comedy upgrade with heckler deflection patch. The terms and conditions popped up and Robot Nessie read them in their entirety in one-hundredth of a second before agreeing to them and beginning the download. The progress bar filled rapidly and as soon as it reached one-hundred percent, a prompt rose that instructed Robot Nessie that it would have to reboot.
The gargantuan dinosaur-like robot crumpled to the floor as it opted to reboot. The whole comedy club shook when it made contact with the floor. Murphy the Robot Merman did not seem the least bit perturbed by this, having already downloaded the upgrade and patch and being aware of the imminent reboot. Robot Nessie began to stir as its processes began to reboot and function at full capacity once more. The installation was successful, Robot Nessie would soon be a real comedian.
"There's an open mic night happening right now at the Cryptid Comedy Club in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. If you leave now and use your boosters at full thrust you can make it," Murphy the Robot Merman said, a spark emanating from behind his ears as he spoke.
"THE Cryptid Comedy Club?" Robot Nessie said in shock. "Do you really think I'm ready?"
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"You're ready. You have the software. Go!" Murphy the Robot Merman exclaimed. "Go make those cryptids and mythological creatures laugh until their abdomens and thoraxes and such hurt!"
Robot Nessie would have smiled if the cog that operated the smiling function was not currently stuck. Instead, it turned from the room and made its way toward the exit of the Loch Ness Laugh-In Club. As it neared the door, it initiated the flight warm-up sequence for the rocket boosters, and locked onto the Cryptid Comedy Club of the Pacific Northwest with its satellite map. It would have to use a different tactic to travel that distance, compared to the one it had used to get to the Loch Ness Laugh-In Club. Robot Nessie sent its review of the night’s comedy performances to the Loch Ness Laugh-In Club website and began to wriggle its enormous body through the door of the club.
When Robot Nessie had exited the club, it stood outside with its body pointing straight up like a rocket. Flames and sparks began to erupt from the rocket boosters behind its flippers as it slowly began to rise vertically through the water column. Its speed gained drastically and friction caused the water around it to heat rapidly until it finally erupted straight out of the water and into the air.
The ascent through the atmosphere was rapid. It had to be fast so as to avoid, not only onlookers and airplanes, but also radar. The air began to thin, but it did not