by M. R. Holman
the browser on her smart phone and searched for VCR loading motors. Her father was right, they did cost more than a whole VCR likely would. She bookmarked the page just in case her search for a new VCR was fruitless, and changed out of her pajama seashell top, and into a seashell top more suitable for wearing out in public. Upon glancing at a mirror beside her front door and determining that her long, flowing locks were floating behind her flawlessly in the proper fashion, she exited her apartment.
She could hear the sound of poorly drummed punk music echoing from the sea serpent's apartment down the hall. It seemed that she had chosen exactly the right time to leave. She took this as a sign that her luck was turning around for the day and swam merrily from the apartment complex.
The storm seemed to still be raging above, as she looked to the surface. Aside from the darkness and a slight increase in the current, conditions at the seafloor were not too bad. The mermaid swam down the coral lined sidewalks, past neighborhoods of sea caves and apartment complexes as she made her way into town.
The thrift shops were a decently long swim away. She stopped at a whale stop, the underwater equivalent of a bus stop, and considered waiting for a whale to take her deeper into the city. Upon seeing a number of disorderly kelpies spray painting graffiti on the whale stop shelter, she decided to continue swimming. She could take a whale back if she found a VCR, or even a dolphin if she found a VCR for a low enough price. Dolphins are the underwater equivalent of taxi cabs.
The rest of the mermaid's journey to the first thrift shop was uneventful. Aside from a cloud of krill that seemed to have been blown wayward by the storm, she encountered very few creatures. The first thrift shop was called "Sea Shells And Such For So Much Less" but only a few of the words on the sign hanging from the building were operational, so it read "Sea Shells And Much Less".
Upon entering the store, the mermaid concluded that the staff had taken the sign's malfunction to heart. There was very little to see in the shop, both in the sense of the small amount of actual merchandise, and in the sense that it was very difficult to see anything at all due to the low amount of light in the shop. Only a few of the halogen lights mounted in the ceiling seemed to be working, and those that did flickered feebly and hummed loudly.
The mermaid felt her way to the small heap of electronics in the rear of the store and examined the contents. There was a black and white television that, though apparently not plugged into any power supply, was displaying a continuously scrolling line over the screen while a rerun of a gameshow featuring the now outlawed pastime of unicorn ring toss was played. There was also an electric keyboard that had no black keys, but most of the white keys. A complete set of golf clubs was inexplicably set in the center of the electronics section, and a plethora of DVD players lied in a pile, but there did not seem to be a single VCR.
"May I help you?" a vest wearing sasquatch in scuba diving gear asked somewhat reluctantly, already beginning to swim away as bubbles rose from his face mask.
"Yes, actually," the mermaid said loudly, halting the sasquatch's retreat. "I'm looking for a VCR."
The sasquatch turned and swam back awkwardly. He examined the pile of DVD players, kicking them aside with his flipper clad feet. The mermaid was on the cusp of reminding the sasquatch that she was looking for a VCR and not a DVD player when he bent down and extricated a VCR and DVD combination player from the pile. He placed it in her hands, and said, "Here's one," and disappeared in a cloud of bubbles.
She examined the VCR/DVD combo. She conceded that it was indeed a VCR, but it also had the highly undesirable quality of being a DVD player as well. And it looked so modern. It did not have the charm of her vintage VCR... Was this really worth the two Crypto Unit price tag?
"Excuse me!" she called at the retreating back of the scuba-ing sasquatch employee.
He turned to face her once more, and though his goggles were fogged, she was quite certain that he rolled his eyes at her before asking, "Yes?"
"Are there any other VCR's here?" she asked hopefully.
"You saw me kick the pile! That's all we got," the sasquatch said shortly, turning again and swimming toward the cash register.
The mermaid was becoming annoyed. "Well, can you call some of the other thrift shops and ask if they have any in stock?"
"Why? You've got a VCR right there. I literally just got it for you... Do you need more than one or something?"
"No... I just want one that is only a VCR... an old one... with character."
"I really don't see the difference. That one seems better to me. It's newer, and it even plays D- ,"
"IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME!" the mermaid shrieked. Her usually serene and beautiful face had morphed momentarily into a horrifying and pointed visage of concentrated hate and anger.
The sasquatch seemed to shrink into himself. He had forgotten the cardinal rule of working in retail: The customer is always right, no matter how absurd their reasoning. He picked up the phone beside the cash register at once and called another thrift store.
"Hello, do you have any VCR's in stock?" he said into the mouth piece as columns of bubbles rose from his breathing apparatus and settled on the ceiling. "No, not DVD players, a VCR... Yes, I know they are... I really don't know... Mhmm... Okay, thanks." He did not hang up the phone, but held one of his gargantuan furry hands over the mouthpiece as he took it away from his ear. "They have two," he said to the mermaid.
"That's great!" she said, returning to her normal state. "What are they like?"
"What are they... like?" he asked uncertainly, fear etched in what was visible of his face and body.
"Yes. Ask them to describe them," the mermaid said calmly, feeling remorse for her outburst as she watched the sasquatch tremble.
"Could you describe the VCR's please?" he asked into the telephone. "Yes, just... what do they look like?"
The mermaid nodded encouragingly and mouthed, "Ask how old they are."
"How old are they, too? Uh huh... No, I realize that technically all VCR's are old... Uh huh... Okay, hold on." He said, putting his hand over the mouthpiece of the telephone once more. "They have two. One is a VCR and DVD combination player like you are holding right now, and the other is a really old one that - "
"Perfect!" she said, not waiting for him to finish.
"...that has a broken loading motor," he finished after a horrified pause. He seemed to be waiting for her to begin shrieking again, but she slumped her shoulders and conceded that this VCR/DVD combo was likely her only option if she wanted to see "Escape From The Aquarium: Mermaid's Revenge" today.
"Okay. Thank you for making the call. I'll take this one," she said with as much dignity as she could muster. The sasquatch put down the phone without saying goodbye and cautiously took the two Crypto Unit bills she slid across the glass counter and placed them in the cash register.
"Have a nice day," she said feebly, as she exited the store. She felt horrible about her outburst over a VCR. Sure, it was important to her, but was it worth terrifying a sasquatch? He had been incompetent, but it must be hard to be excited about a job like that, especially since he had to wear that scuba equipment all day. Were jobs really that hard to find for cryptids on the surface?
She swam home, still deep in thought over what she had done and what could be going on with the surface dwelling cryptids and their economy. She had not even considered riding a whale or dolphin, and before she knew it she was in front of her apartment complex once more. The subpar drumming continued from down the hall, and she considered shrieking at the sea monster to stop. In the end, she decided that she had done enough shrieking that day, but resolved to shriek at him if his drumming or his manners did not improve soon.
She entered her apartment and placed the new VCR/DVD combo on top of the old VCR and plugged it in. Her phone beeped as she retrieved her copy of "Escape From The Aquarium: Mermaid's Revenge" from her treasure chest. She picked up the phone before inserting the video tape, and read an email she had just receive
d from the VCR repair forum. The user had actually gotten her email! It read:
"Wow, I never would have thought I'd get an email from the VCR forum lol. I think it was the loading motor, but I can't remember for sure since it was so long ago... Good luck!"
She closed the email and returned to the page with the loading motor she had bookmarked on her phone, hovered over the order button, and paused. She looked up at the new VCR/DVD player and slid the video tape inside of it. She heard the clicks and the whirrs of the gears and motors. She smiled as the tape began to play and closed out of her potential order. Her old VCR had had a good run, and maybe someday she would worry about repairing it, but now was not the time. Her ritual had been fulfilled, and it was time to enjoy her rainy day with her favorite movie.
Bigfoot: A Trip to the Grocery Store
It was a foggy morning somewhere in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest. Dew dripped down the moss-clad face of a gargantuan stone and trickled across the fingers of an ape-like hand that was pressed tightly against the rough surface. Bigfoot peered over the top of the rock, and sighed deeply as a car approached. He was hungry, and he knew that a meal was waiting for him just on the opposite side of the road he was facing.
He shook the dew off of his hairy hands and began to walk across the road after the car had passed