by Amy Clipston
“I needed a change of scenery. And it was nice to worship with you. It’s been a long time since we were in the same church district.” Leroy took the cup of coffee Dora handed him. “Danki.”
“A change of scenery?” She set a platter of oatmeal raisin cookies in the center of the table and then sat down beside Joel. “What do you mean?”
Leroy frowned. He should be honest with his brother and sister-in-law since they could apparently see right through his facade.
“Are things still rocky between you and Mattie?” Joel asked.
“Ya.” Leroy grabbed a cookie from the platter. “She’s still living with her parents. I’ve tried to convince her to come home, but it’s not working.” Then he explained what had been happening and summarized the contents of her last letter, careful to leave out details that were too personal.
“Oh, the basket, flowers, and picnic were so romantic.” Dora gave him a faint smile.
“Danki, but they didn’t work. She still won’t come home to me and give our marriage a fighting chance. But I’m going to keep my promise to Lizanne, and Hank and Tillie suggested I give Mattie some space. Tillie said maybe then Mattie will mull over what I’ve been saying in my letters. Maybe Tillie’s right and Mattie will reread them all and think again about everything I said.” He bit into his cookie.
“That sounds gut.” Joel picked up a cookie and shook it at Leroy as he arched an eyebrow and a teasing grin formed on his lips. “So you’re using Dora and me to stay away from your fraa?”
Leroy shook his head. “No, I really wanted to come and visit you.”
“I’m joking.” His brother’s grin faded. “I do think it’s a gut idea. Give Mattie a chance to think about everything.” He took a bite of his cookie.
“I have such a tough time taking a step back.” Leroy shook his head and blew out a frustrated sigh. “I’m such a coward.”
“No, you’re not,” Dora said.
“Ya, I am,” he insisted. “A real man would probably go to her and not take no for an answer. He would insist she come home and behave like a real fraa. But that’s not who I am. I don’t want to force her to do anything against her will.” He rubbed his chin. “I don’t want her to come home against her will. If she did, then I would spend the rest of my life wondering if she’s miserable with me no matter what front she put up.” He paused, taking another bite of the cookie. “I guess Mattie is right. It’s not a real marriage.”
“No. Mattie is not right, and you’re not a coward. Besides, no woman wants to be treated like that.” Dora tapped the table with her finger. “Giving her space is the best plan at this point.”
“I don’t know.” He propped his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his palm. “If the letters didn’t touch her heart when she first read them, then I don’t see how anything will change now.”
Dora folded her hands. “Did I ever tell you about my boyfriend Andy?” She glanced over at Joel. “I dated him before I met you.”
“Ya, you told me about him.” Joel rubbed her arm.
Leroy shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“I dated Andy for two years.”
“What happened?” Leroy asked.
“He died unexpectedly.” She lifted a cookie and placed it on her plate. “It was sudden.”
She picked up a napkin and began to absently fold it as she spoke. “I saw him the night he got sick. I had dinner with his family. Andy said he wasn’t feeling well, and I tried to convince him to go to the emergency room. He insisted he just needed to rest. His mamm told me not to worry and to go home. She had promised me she would check on him during the night. She fell asleep, and she didn’t wake up until the next morning. When she checked on him, he was gone. He had passed away sometime during the night. We found out through an autopsy that he’d had appendicitis. We were all devastated.”
Leroy cringed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Danki.” Dora looked up at him. “It was a very tough time for me. I kept wondering if I should have called an ambulance and forced him to go to the hospital, or convinced his bruder to help me get him into a buggy and taken him there myself.”
She looked down at the table. “In the end, I worked through my guilt and accepted there was nothing I could have done to change God’s plan for Andy or for me.” She gazed at Joel. “And then I met you and everything worked out the way it should.”
Joel gave her a warm smile.
She looked over at Leroy once again. “I don’t mean to disrespect Andy’s memory. I’ll always miss Andy, and my heart still breaks for his family. I’m just saying I know how Mattie feels. She needs time to work through her grief. She lost her husband and her son in a matter of a few months and never really gave herself enough time to grieve. That’s incomprehensible.”
Leroy’s stomach tightened with guilt. “So you’re saying I never should have married her, and I shouldn’t try to force her to love me?”
“No, no, no. I didn’t mean that at all.” She paused for a beat. “I’m sorry. I’m not expressing myself well today. You’re not doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re doing everything right.”
“I’m sorry, but you’ve lost me.” Leroy took another cookie and bit into it.
“Okay. Let me try this again. I think you’re right to give Mattie some space, but maybe for longer than you’ve been thinking. Stay away from her for a couple of weeks—maybe even a month—and give her a chance to miss you.”
Joel touched Dora’s shoulder. “That’s a gut idea.”
Leroy pressed his lips together. “I don’t think she’s going to miss me if she’s telling me to stay way.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” She lifted her cookie and swirled it through the air. “Mattie has been leaning on you whether she realizes it or not. She’s become dependent on you. You’ve been there to dry her tears and hold her hand ever since Isaiah died. She’s waiting for your next letter and your next gift. She may have pushed you away, but I’m certain she expects you to keep coming after her. Didn’t you tell her you’d wait for years if you had to?”
Leroy nodded. “Ya, I did say that in one of my letters.”
“Let her think you’ve given up on her. Let her come to you.” She bit into the cookie.
“What if she doesn’t come to me?” Leroy’s throat dried.
“She will,” Joel said. “Dora is right. She’s going to realize how lonely she is, and she’ll come back to you. I’m certain of it.”
“Okay.” Renewed determination washed over Leroy. “I’ll do it, but if I don’t hear from her after one month then I will send her one last letter.” He blew out a deep breath. “I just hope and pray it works.”
“It will,” Joel said. “Have faith.”
The cool October air drifted in through the open window as Mattie glanced out of it for the fourth time. She’d spent all morning sitting in the family room with her parents, reading from her mother’s devotional while hoping and praying Leroy would come to visit her. It was now after noon and no one had come to visit even though it was an off-Sunday without a church service.
She hadn’t heard from him since she’d sent the basket and letter over to his house with Lizanne and Al more than a month ago. It felt more like a year than a month. She missed Leroy so much that an ache of longing had taken root in her chest. Had he forgotten about her? No, that couldn’t be possible. Could it?
“Are you okay?” Mamm asked from the sofa on the other side of the room.
“Ya.” Mattie lifted the book and pretended to read some more.
Although her eyes moved over the page, her thoughts were still stuck on Leroy. She’d been surprised he hadn’t attended church during the past month either. When she asked Tillie about him, Tillie explained Leroy had decided to attend church in his brother’s district. Most members of the community visited other districts every once in a while, but attending a different district more than once a month was unusual. Was Leroy avoiding her? She immediately pushed th
at notion out of her mind. Why would Leroy avoid her?
Because you broke his heart by rejecting him.
Mattie swallowed a sigh. She was still so confused. She wanted to push Leroy away and pull him close at the same time. What was wrong with her?
Every morning she checked the front and back porch for the basket, but the porches remained empty, devoid of any sign of Leroy. She missed the basket and longed for his letters, but she had no right to expect him to write her and send her gifts when she instructed him not to. It was all or nothing, as it should be.
Mattie’s chores and sewing had kept her busy, and every night she read her devotional before going to sleep. But despite her efforts to remain distracted, her thoughts continued to find Leroy. She missed him to the very depth of her soul. Why did she miss him if their marriage was destined for failure?
A knock sounded on the back door, and she sprang from the chair. She set the devotional on the end table, rushed to the door, and stopped a moment to smooth her hands down her purple dress.
“Tillie,” Mattie said with surprise when she opened the door. “Hank. It’s so gut to see you.” She craned her neck to peek behind them, but the porch was empty. She made a sweeping gesture as she pushed the door open wide. “Please come in.”
“Danki.” Tillie held up the basket. “I brought you something.”
“Oh.” Mattie’s heart thumped against her rib cage. “Danki for bringing it to me.”
“Tillie and Hank.” Mamm stepped into the kitchen. “I’m so froh you’re here. Have a seat. Let me put on some kaffi.” She turned toward the family room. “Mose! We have company.”
“Danki.” Hank sat down at the table. “We thought it would be nice to come and see you. We haven’t visited in a while, and we wanted to check on Mattie.”
“We’ve been concerned about you,” Tillie said to Mattie as she set the basket on the counter.
Mattie touched the skirt of her dress as she studied the basket. Curiosity and anxiety filled her. She couldn’t wait to open the basket, but she was also afraid of what she might find inside. Was there a letter inside, and if so, what did it say?
“Mattie, would you please pull out that cheesecake I made last week?” Mamm asked. “I’ll grab the kaffi mugs.”
“Ya, of course.” Mattie moved to the refrigerator and then carried the cheesecake to the table. “I’ll get the sugar bowl and spoons.”
“Hello there.” Dat crossed the kitchen and shook Hank’s hand. “So gut to see you, Hank. How are you doing, Tillie?”
“We’re fine, danki.” Hank smiled as Dat sat at the end of the table beside him. “How’s the furniture store?”
“It’s gut. Busy. We’re doing a lot of custom orders. I keep saying I’m going to retire, but I still show up to work just about every day. How’s the harness shop?”
“It’s great. Busloads of tourists have been visiting the harness shop at least once a week for the past month. They’re all eager to see an authentic Amish harness shop. We’ve sold out of wallets, leashes, key chains, and door hangers consistently, so we’re trying to increase our production. Now we’re trying to restock before the next busload comes on Wednesday. Leroy and I are taking turns running the front and making more stock.”
Mattie froze, holding the sugar bowl in the air, when Hank said Leroy’s name.
“That’s wunderbaar.” Dat patted Hank’s shoulder. “I’m so froh for you and Leroy. I know this has always been your dream, and it’s working out well.”
Mattie set the sugar bowl in front of Tillie.
“How are you?” Tillie’s pretty face seemed to be full of concern. “You look much better. Your color has come back, and you look rested.”
“Danki. I’m all right.” Mattie handed Tillie a spoon. “How about you?”
“Fine.” Tillie studied her as if she had something to say.
Mattie paused, but when Tillie didn’t continue, she turned toward the counter, where her mother had lined up the mugs. “Should I get the cake server and plates?”
“Ya,” Mamm said. “That would be perfect.”
Soon the coffee was ready, and Mattie filled the mugs while her mother cut the cheesecake. As they ate, Hank and Dat continued to talk business while Tillie, Mamm, and Mattie discussed sewing projects and news from nearby church districts.
When they finished their coffee and cake, the men moved to the family room to continue their conversation while the women washed the dishes.
“Mattie, would you please show me that lap quilt you mentioned earlier?” Tillie dropped the spoons into the utensil drawer. “I’d love to see it.”
“Oh. Ya, of course.”
“Great.”
Mattie detected something in Tillie’s pretty brown eyes. Once again, she had the feeling Tillie wanted to tell her something. Perhaps it was about Leroy. Her heartbeat tripped and then caught itself when she contemplated him.
“You two go on.” Mamm waved them off. “I can finish up here.”
“Are you sure?” Mattie asked.
“I think I can handle a few dishes.” Mamm gave her a sardonic smile. “If you weren’t living here, I would have to do them myself, right?”
“Right.”
Tillie laughed as they walked toward the bedroom. “I love your parents. They are so funny.”
“Danki.” Mattie sat down at the sewing table and Tillie pulled up a chair beside her. “This is the lap quilt.” She handed it to Tillie. “I’m almost done. I just have a few more stitches to do.”
“Ach, Mattie.” Tillie ran her hand over the stitching. “This is so schee.”
“Danki.” She leaned forward toward Tillie. “How is he?”
Tillie looked up Mattie and tilted her head. “Who? Leroy?”
Mattie nodded and held her breath, anxiously awaiting a response.
“It’s been a rough month.” Tillie frowned. “He’s crushed. He’s devastated.” She looked back down at the quilt, touching it as she spoke. “He rarely talks, except to discuss the shop, and he never smiles.” She peered up at Mattie again. “He misses you.”
Mattie’s eyes filled with tears. “I feel so terrible. I never should have tied him down. I ruined his life by marrying him.”
Tillie clicked her tongue. “That’s where you’re wrong. He’s always loved you, and you were so gut together.”
“No, we weren’t. I married him too soon.” Mattie rested her arm on the sewing table and ran her fingertips over the tomato-shaped pin holder. “If I hadn’t married Leroy, then he could’ve found someone who would love him completely. He’s entitled to the opportunity to have a family with the right woman. I can’t be that woman for him. My heart has been broken too many times, and it can’t be fixed. I’m not able to be a mamm or a fraa to anyone else.”
“That’s not true.” Tillie touched Mattie’s arm. “I understand how you feel, but you’re not broken. You can still function. You can still be a gut fraa. You don’t have to have a boppli to be husband and fraa. Believe me, I know all about that.”
Mattie’s gaze snapped to Tillie’s. “What do you mean?”
Tillie leaned back against the chair. “Hank and I have been married almost four years now. We’ve tried over and over to have a boppli.” Her dark eyes sparkled with tears. “I’ve been pregnant five times, and each time I lost the boppli.”
“Ach, I had no idea.” Mattie took her hand and squeezed it. “I’m so sorry.”
“Danki.” Tillie ran her finger over the edge of the sewing table as she spoke. “The first couple of times it happened, I felt useless. I was certain Hank regretted marrying me, and I felt as though I wasn’t truly a woman, if that makes sense. I guess you could say I felt as though I was less of a woman or that there was a part of me missing.” She sniffed and looked down at the quilt again. “I went to stay with my parents for a week, certain Hank would be better off without me.”
Mattie blinked. “I had no idea.”
“We kept it quiet.” Tillie looked up
and wiped away an errant tear. “Hank came to see me and begged me to come home. He said he’d love me no matter what. He said our marriage wasn’t just about having kinner. Hank also said we’re a family no matter what, and he would always love me.”
Mattie swallowed a gasp. The words from one of Leroy’s letters said something similar.
Tillie chuckled, oblivious to Mattie’s thoughts. “He said that now he didn’t have to share me with anyone.” Her smiled faded. “Of course we want kinner, and I continue to pray it will happen for us someday. But if it doesn’t, we’ll be okay. Hank and I love each other, and we have nieces and nephews to love too.”
Mattie blinked as regret stole her words.
Tillie squeezed her hand. “You’re in pain right now, but the pain will lessen eventually. You’ll never forget Jacob, and you’ll always keep him in your heart.” She paused. “Every one of my miscarriages was a loss. Even though those babies weren’t named, I carried them, and they were part of me. I understand how much you hurt.”
“Danki,” Mattie whispered.
“Believe me when I tell you Leroy is pining for you. He needs you, and you need him too.”
Mattie wiped away her tears.
“Tillie?” Hank leaned into the doorway. “Are you ready to head home? I need to take care of the animals before it gets too late.”
“Ya.” She stood. “It was gut seeing you.”
Mattie stood and pulled Tillie into her arms for a hug. “Danki for coming by.”
“Gern gschehne,” Tillie whispered. “Call me if you need to talk.”
CHAPTER 23
MATTIE’S THOUGHTS SPUN AS CONFUSION AND ANXIETY coiled through her. After saying good-bye to Tillie and Hank, she opened the basket and pulled out a carrot cake, complete with cream cheese frosting.
Mamm gasped as she stood beside her. “Oh, that smells heavenly.”
“Ya, it sure does.” Mattie removed the letter from the bottom of the basket and then turned to her mother. “I’m going to go in the family room and read his letter.”