by Tiana Laveen
Yeah, they are little, but the package inside them is a monster. I’m confident about my shit. Maybe I can unleash the beast tonight…
He bit into his lower lip as he slipped hard and fast into a wet, nasty fantasy…
“Laaaaangston Loooooopez!” the announcer hollered out, his cue that it was showtime! The music grew louder as the crowd erupted in applause. He stood in the middle of the stage, flexing, grinning, showing his pearly whites. Arms… legs… back… arms again… He repeated the process until his time was up and according to the audience accolades, he seemed to have impressed the masses. Time marched on like ants across a picnic table. He watched while the other guys performed. Some were worthy opponents; others couldn’t hold a candle to him. One man in particular, however, Michael Kipper, was someone he wasn’t certain he could beat this time around.
The guy was a bit shorter than him, but he was cut like Edward Scissor Hands had gotten a hold of him and made a masterpiece. His stage presence wasn’t as good as Langston’s, but he did have some advantages. For one, the fucker’s calf muscles were a bit more defined, he had fewer tattoos—which some judges preferred—and he’d filled out quite a bit since Langston had seen him the previous year. He had some good mass on him; Langston couldn’t deny that and had to give credit where credit was due. Still, they were probably neck and neck regarding many make-or-break factors. Langston was known for his symmetry, and this man wasn’t too shabby in that department, either.
Shit. Why did this have to happen?! I worked hard for this!
The guy was twenty-four, a crowd favorite and nothing to underestimate. Langston had built a stellar reputation, working hard on a consistent basis. This was an old hat to him and his name was pretty well known. He had a high metabolism, which definitely helped, and had been doing this for longer than most of the contestants. Seniority didn’t mean shit in this business though—younger meat was often preferred. Still, Langston looked younger than his age. He was often mistaken for being in his mid to late twenties, which he credited to watching his alcohol intake, working out five days a week, and not smoking—unless one counted that time he’d smoked cigarettes and a little pot to try and impress some girls when he was sixteen.
All right now, Langston, don’t feel defeated just yet. Yeah, this guy is good, but you still have some advantages. Try and focus on the positive… be realistic, but optimistic, alright?
He gave himself continuous pep talks and went around in circles comparing himself to the man in question, his biggest contender. His shoulders were definitely better than Mike’s by a long shot.
At this point, it just depends on what the judges like and how swayed they are by crowd response, if at all.
He needed Lady Luck on his side; the fifty-fifty chance was daunting.
I need first place… please let me get first place. The trophy, the money… I need this, God… please… Third place ain’t gonna do nothin’. Second place won’t do much, but first place would help a lot, a whole lot…
He prayed and prayed, thinking of the money he could give to his mother so they could finally get their porch fixed, and how he could take Yaz out to another nice restaurant and buy her one of those expensive handbags women like. Besides, she’d more than earned it. Yaz’s Uncle Sonny had interviewed José Jr. and hired him on the spot. Now, his big brother had a part time night security gig lined up at the grocery store, starting the following week, thus affording Mom and Dad a little more time alone when Dad wasn’t on the road. Langston floated in and out of daydreams, picturing various scenarios of how things could be better, for however a short while, if he landed first prize. The music ended, the contestants had finished, and now arrived the part that always got his heart jumping, tense seconds that turned to minutes.
“In third place is Roy Anderson!” The crowd applauded as Roy, a stocky, five foot ten guy with dirty blond hair accepted his ribbon and trophy.
“In second place is Michael Kipper!”
Langston’s heart started to beat faster. He wasn’t relieved, but seized with a newfound terror. Typically confident, at that moment he felt reduced, filled with worry. He played it off with a big grin as he applauded Mike and looked at the other men, seeing a couple that could possibly win over him, too. His palms grew clammy, while trickles of sweat beaded around his hairline and threatened to fall. He gazed out at the audience, past the bright lights, searching for the new woman in his life…
I can’t see her… Damn, I wish I could see you, baby…
“In first place is Langston Lopez!”
“Yes!!!” a voice yelled, one that sounded a lot like Yasmine’s. His knees buckled after he heard his name. Quickly regaining his composure, he practically ran to the host on the stage and graciously accepted his ribbon and trophy. The money came in a check handed to him in a gold envelope. He congratulated the other two men beside him, then posed for some photos for the press, bodybuilding magazines, and bloggers. He signed some autographs, then spoke to some of the other contestants before they departed ways. Even during his time of glory, his thoughts still drifted to Yasmine…
I got it bad… I really care about this woman. When she isn’t around, I become obsessed with her, wondering what she’s doin’, where she’s at, what she’s thinkin’ about…
Then just like that, he felt a light tap on his shoulder. He spun around and there she was, wearing a pretty green blouse with a white tank top beneath it, jeans, and sexy heels. Her hair was parted on one side and braided, the plait hanging across her shoulder. Large gold hoop earrings shined under the lights. She reached for him but before she could complete her embrace, he grabbed her, hugged her tight, and kissed her.
“I’m so proud of you!” she squealed.
“It meant the world to me that you came.” He pulled away from her and looked her in the eyes, his arms still around her waist. “You have no idea how important you bein’ here means to me, Yaz.”
She smiled sweetly and cocked her head to the side. “I can see that… I can,” she spoke over the music. “I’m so glad I came and stopped second-guessing it. I’ve never been to one of these competitions before.” She glanced at the now half empty stage. “It was really interesting and fun to watch.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Well, uh, just sit right over there.” He pointed to some chairs. “I’m gonna go on backstage and get cleaned up ’nd changed and then we can go out to eat, all right?”
She nodded then kissed his lips once again before turning and walking away. He watched her for a spell, even ignoring the fact that someone was calling his name, someone else was pulling at his arm, and yet another was asking for more photos. He had to just stand there for a moment and take it all in…
A strange thing was happening, something he’d never experienced in his entire life.
She was the only woman he saw, the only woman he desired. There was just something about her… strength, beauty, humor, and she made him feel like a man. She made him feel truly wanted…
Oh, Lord Jesus! Why did we get Mexican food?!
YASMINE BRACED HERSELF in Langston’s truck, squeezing her butt cheeks so tight, her anal muscles would be able to enter her ass into a bodybuilder contest, too. She clutched the side of the seat, gritted her teeth and prayed she didn’t let loose.
Oh God… please don’t let me pass gas in front of Langston! I don’t know how much longer I can hold it. Oh, shit! NO NO NO! Is that a pothole?! Please don’t run over the pothole… please don’t run over the pothole… swerve motherfucker, swerve! Thank you, Lord! Oh God… it’s still there. My guts are bubbling up like a witch’s brew! I gotta get me some Gas X or something! That damn burrito to’e my ass up! Jesus I am standin’ in the need of prayer! I know you don’t care ’bout no flatulence, but I like this man. He seem like he might be the type to be turned off by somethin’ like that… I don’t know, but who wants to smell somebody’s hot shit?! Nobody, that’s who!
She teetered between laughter and falling apart. This was th
e wrong damn time to play the booty horn!
“And then Jack had come out and told everyone congratulations, too.”
“Oh, that’s so nice.” She smiled big, her long nails digging into the upholstery as Langston went on and on, bragging about himself, oblivious to her plight. She didn’t mind; it was kind of funny actually but she didn’t dare laugh… that could be the catalyst to a fart explosion.
“You all right?” He looked at her with a raised bushy black eyebrow.
“Yeah, mmm hmmm! I’m fine. Is there a Walgreens or CVS ’round here?” She looked about urgently. “Maybe a gas station store even.”
“Oh, you need somethin’? I can get it for you. I need to get some gas anyway.”
Well, I’ve got plenty of gas, Langston… I could probably fill your tank, ten motorcycles, a jetplane, and five cement trucks, too.
The man pulled into a gas station. The store beside it was brightly lit.
“What do you need, baby? I’ll take care of it.”
“No! I mean, no, honey, that’s all right. I’ll handle it.” He looked at her oddly but kept his trap shut, exited the truck, and began the process of filling the tank. When she believed the coast was clear, she hopped out of the truck and raced to the gas station, letting loose along the way. She sighed with relief as the balminess from her farts warmed her ass cheeks, hopeful however that no one got caught in the odor of the crosshairs. Her nose wrinkled when she smelled a bit of her own malodorous aftermath.
Good God almighty! I outta file charges against myself for that one!
“Yaaazzz!” She reached for the store doors and turned around to the sound of her name being called. The nozzle was in Langston’s truck’s gas tank, and the man was barreling in her direction.
“Oh no! Lord, no!” I can’t stand around here in it! He’ll know it was me!
She opened the door and raced inside, putting some distance between herself and whatever damage she’d caused in the great outdoors.
“Yaz! Didn’t you hear me callin’ you, baby? I was lookin’ right at you?” Langston was clearly annoyed, but what could she do?
“Uh, sorry. No, I didn’t hear you, honey. I thought you was sayin’ something else.”
Wait. That came out wrong. Maybe he won’t notice?
“You didn’t hear me or you thought I was sayin’ somethin’ else? You’re not makin’ any sense, Yaz.” He put his hand on his hip, obviously not believing her.
“I mean, I thought you said ‘yes’.” She quickly turned away, her face heated up with embarrassment as she told lie after lie to cover the situation going on in her colon.
Bad things happen to good people. This must be one of those damn times…
“Mmm hmm. I’m goin’ to get some water, pay for it, then go on back to the truck. I’ll wait for you in there if you don’t get out before me.”
“All right, that sounds good.” She went immediately over to the candy aisle, pretending that was what she needed. Rows of chocolates, candy bars, and tins of mints filled the area. The next aisle over held promise, however, the shelves laden with an array of Tums, Rolaids, and things of that nature. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as the man studied the waters in the refrigerated section.
Hurry up! So indecisive all the damn time! It’s water for God’s sake! This ain’t no fine wine selection! He act like there are a million different flavors! H2O! Get one and keep it movin’!
He pulled out two large bottles, she presumed one for her and one for him, and then he grabbed two jugs of water, too. She grabbed a bag of gummi worms, knowing she didn’t want the damn things but she had to play it cool. Langston set the waters down, then disappeared down another aisle, looking at large bags of snacks.
Doritos?! Why don’t you get yo’ ass outta here! How can you think about chips after eating three entrées of Mexican food, appetizers, and finishing off mine, too?! That man is like a human vacuum! GET! THE! HELL! OUT! She bit into her lower lip, feeling a mixture of panic, anger, and humor all at once. Tightening her ass cheeks, she braced herself as she felt the threat of another unleashing. She held on to the edge of one of the shelves, briefly closed her eyes, and said another silent prayer. When she looked back up, Langston was in line behind two other people.
Minutes later, she came out of the store with a bag of shit she didn’t need… the Gas-X extra strength atop the pile of treats, gum, and aspirin. As soon as she’d paid for the items, she’d popped two Gas-X pills in her mouth before exiting the shop and swallowed. As she walked carefully to the truck, her stomach was doing a mean number on her… the medicine still needed time to work.
“All right, baby. You ready to go to the hotel and play charades?” he teased, laughing hard.
“Yes, I am!” She laughed as he pulled away and got back on the main road.
“Oh, man! Did you smell it out there when you first went in the store?” She spun around in his direction, her heart freezing up like ice. “I think they must have a sewer leak or somethin’ goin’ on. I walked right into it when I was callin’ after you, tryna catch up.”
“Oh… no, uh, I didn’t smell anything. So, uh, what hotel are we staying at again? I texted the information to Noah but for some reason, it escapes me right now.”
Her cheeks warmed, then turned hot as coals as she rolled out the lie to change the topic.
“The Best Western on Ursula Ave. It’s nice, I been there before. They got a pool, too. You wanna swim?”
“I didn’t bring no swimsuit.”
“I got some shorts you could twist up and roll over to keep on your hips and it seems you got a tank top under that blouse. You could probably swim like that.”
“Is the pool indoor or outdoor?”
“Indoor.”
“All right. Maybe, we’ll see.”
He took her hand and squeezed it as he kept his focus on driving. She took a deep breath, relieved since she felt her stomach begin to settle.
Thank goodness the lean, mean bean machine has went on its way! Whew! That was a close one.
…Women are funny.
ALL OF MY dating life, most of the girls I dated didn’t want me to see them do their makeup or comb their hair. Well, not the Black women I’ve dated—they seem the funniest about shit like that. I’m surprised she even agreed to go swimmin’ since most of the Black girls I dated never wanted to ’cause of their hair. I’d try to get them to go skinny dippin’ when I was a kid—me and all of my nasty friends… tryna feel up on girls in the river but they didn’t want that, either. The White and Mexican girls would let me, but the Black girls were far less willin’.
It wasn’t because they had higher standards, no sir… I was told too many times to count that their perm was too fresh; it would get messed up. To this day, I don’t even know what the hell that means. Yeah, women are funny… None of ’em want to be seen using the bathroom and definitely not fart. Yaz was actin’ strange, so when she got back in the car, I was still tryna figure out what the hell was going on. Once we got closer to the hotel, I noticed she set her little plastic white bag down and on the top was a torn open box of fart medicine, ripped open like she was the Hulk. It took everything in me to not bust out laughing. The Mexican food musta got her. She still ain’t said nothing, and I imagine she won’t. I’m just standing here waiting for our keys so we can check in…
Minutes later, he had their keys in hand and Yaz walked a couple of steps behind him. She seemed to be taking it all in. He could smell the chlorine in the pool as soon as they rounded the corner. He loved that smell…
“The breakfast is real good here, too. You’ll like it.”
“Oh, really? Okay, that’s good. I uh, I just texted Noah to let him know I was here.”
“All right.” He shrugged. “You tellin’ me like I’m some suspect in a crime… like you wanna let me know that others know where you are ’case I try somethin’.”
She burst out laughing.
“Why are you so paranoid? That’s not wha
t I’m sayin’ at all.”
He smiled and wrapped his arm around her waist as they got on the elevator with their overnight bags. They travelled up to the third floor and quietly walked side by side until he found their room. When they entered, he flipped the light switch on. It was nice, a bit cool in temperature but the room looked very clean and the two beds were there as promised.
“Which bed you want, baby?”
She looked at the one closest to the window, then the one closest to the door.
“This one is fine.” She placed her bag on the one closest to the door. Langston stood by the window and looked out. He ran his fingers against the thick layers of the cream curtains and the blinds, prying them open so he could peer out into the night. Lights from nearby establishments glowed so prettily here and there. Turning to face her, he shoved his hand in his pocket and watched her wiggle out of her shoes and sit down on the bed. He removed his shoes as well, placing them against a baseboard.
He dug in his bag from the store and removed one of the bottles of water he’d purchased to hand it to her.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you.” She looked up at him and smiled before setting it down on the small nightstand beside her bed.
They were both rather quiet, and he wondered if she was thinking of heavy stuff or nothing at all. He was thinking… in fact, his mind was racing. He grabbed the remote and turned on the television before he removed his shirt and cast it atop his overnight bag. With a yawn, he fell back on the bed, resting his arms behind his head.
“Oh, Big Brother is on,” the woman said with a smirk as she ran her hand along the sleeve of her shirt. “I haven’t seen this show in a while.”
“Yeah… it’s kinda crazy. You think it’s made up? Like, it’s all staged?”