She waited for me to continue. That’s one of her techniques. Dr. Rita is extremely comfortable sitting in silence for long stretches of time. The thing is, I am too. But there was something I’d been wanting to bring up.
“Do you think it’s possible Jackson might have been a psychopath?” I asked.
She shifted in her chair but kept her face steady. She never laughs at my randomness like you did. “What makes you wonder that?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been reading about them online,” I said.
“Psychopaths?”
“Yeah. Some people are saying Lainie could be one.”
She didn’t react. I’m guessing the idea wasn’t news to her. She probably goes online too.
I explained anyway. “Because of the lying. And her charisma—psychopaths are charming. And they’re impulsive and manipulative and irresponsible. And, like, promiscuous.”
I blushed when I said that last part. I don’t think of you that way, for the record. But other people do. Other people suck. I hate that double standard. “And I guess because of the shoplifting and stuff. Because that’s juvenile delinquent behavior.”
Dr. Rita nodded. “And Jackson?”
“Well, I was looking at the list of signs—like, how you know if someone’s a psychopath—and I thought, yeah, you can twist these to make them apply to her, but some things on the list apply to Jackson too. He was definitely manipulative and thrill-seeking, and charming in his own way. Not to mention entitled—he had a super-inflated sense of self, and lacked empathy, from the way he treated her. And he was far more promiscuous than she was, I’d say, since he was the one who was cheating. He was irresponsible and unremorseful. Those are psychopathic traits, right?”
“They can be,” Dr. Rita said carefully.
“So why are people saying that about her and not him?” I stopped myself. Even I knew that sounded ridiculous. He’s dead. You’re not. I exhaled.
“Do you think she is?” I asked the carpet.
“It would be unethical of me to even try to diagnose someone who is not under my care and observation,” Dr. Rita said. “Jackson or Lainie. And like most disorders, psychopathy isn’t a straight either-or that conforms to a neat checklist. It exists on a continuum. There’s a spectrum of psychopathic behavior and ways it can be exhibited.”
I was sick of this topic. I diverted. “Okay, so how about me? Could I be a psychopath?”
She smiled. “You are not.”
“You don’t think I’m charming enough to be that manipulative?” I said, half joking.
“I think you feel things very deeply,” she said, “and that this whole thing has you understandably confused and very hurt.”
I looked away and stopped breathing.
“You have a strong sense of loyalty and an innate pull toward justice, and you’re very protective of the friends you love. It’s deeply hurtful for you to think that your loyalty and trust may have been abused or misplaced,” she said. She wasn’t wrong, but it made my chest burn to hear it.
“You experienced something extremely traumatic and horrible, and you’re processing it the best you can. I know it’s hard. I think you’re doing an amazing job, moving on from something that sad and painful. I think these two losses will always be sad for you, but the pain will get better. And I know whatever happens in that courtroom this week, you’ll be okay. It will be okay.”
I burst into tears. Is that weird? She let me cry, and nudged the tissue box closer. Then our session was over.
Remember that walk we took in the summer rain, the day it poured and poured, and everyone grumbled and grouched and tried to avoid having to go outside? You got bored and said, “Let’s go,” so I followed, and we were instantly drenched—our clothes soaked, our hair plastered, our sandals squishing and sloshing—and for a second it was weird, but I got used to it. The water gushed over my face and ran into my ears while we walked on the path by the lake, which was pebbled by raindrops and green-gray like slate. The rain was warm and I felt free and brave and alive, being in it, and with everyone else stuck inside playing card games or whatever, it was like the whole outdoors was ours alone.
When we returned, we dripped massive puddles on the floor, and my fingers were all puckered and wrinkled, and we took hot showers, long ones, even though we’d basically just showered in the rain. But getting out of the shower after the rain walk, how cleaner than clean that felt? Like we’d been rinsed completely, cleansed inside and out? This cry and release felt like that. Like I’ve been holding on and holding on and holding on tight, and I finally just let go.
See you tomorrow.
Love,
Kayla
P.S. Lainie, if I’m wrong about this—about you—just give me a sign. I’ll change the whole story. I’ll say what needs to be said. I will lengthen the shadow of doubt, somehow.
None of this is “reasonable.”
Just come back to me.
Please.
November 16
Maplewash County Courthouse
ATTORNEY DAVIS: State will call Kayla Martin to the stand.
THE CLERK: Please raise your right hand. Do you swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
THE WITNESS: I do.
THE CLERK: Please be seated. Please state your name and spell your last name for the record.
THE WITNESS: Kayla Martin, M-A-R-T-I-N.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Hi, Kayla. How old are you?
THE WITNESS: I’m sixteen.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And what is your relationship to the defendant, Elaine Baxter?
THE WITNESS: She’s my best friend.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Could you please describe how you met the defendant, and when you two became friends?
THE WITNESS: I met her last summer at Camp Cavanick. We were in the same cabin and Lainie had the top bunk above mine, so I guess we met on the first day. We became friends pretty quickly. We hung out the first time the third night, and we were together every day after that.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And what kinds of things did you do together?
THE WITNESS: Um. Camp things? Like, activities and stuff. But mostly we talked.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What did you talk about?
THE WITNESS: Everything.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did you talk about Jackson Winter?
THE WITNESS: Sometimes. After we met him, yeah.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: These conversations you would have with Miss Baxter, did they happen during the daytime?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And at night?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How about after lights-out?
THE WITNESS: Sometimes, yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Where did you talk after lights-out?
THE WITNESS: Uh, outside. Like, out on the dock.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: On the dock at the lake?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How did you get there after lights-out?
THE WITNESS: We snuck out.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You and Miss Baxter?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And when you snuck out after hours to go down to the lake, were you and Miss Baxter aware you were breaking camp rules?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Whose idea was it to sneak out and break the rules like that?
THE WITNESS: Uh, Lainie’s, I guess.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Miss Baxter was the instigator?
THE WITNESS: Yes. But I went along with it. I liked sneaking out too. It was harmless. And fun.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Okay. When you snuck out at night, was it just the two of you doing it?
THE WITNESS: At first.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But not always?
THE WITNESS: No. Sometimes Jackson and a friend would join us. Or just Jackson.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: I see. And did the three of you—you, Lainie, and Jackson—did you spend a lot of time together?
; THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And as Elaine Baxter’s best friend, someone who spent a lot of time with her and Jackson Winter together, how would you characterize their relationship?
THE WITNESS: Um. They were, uh . . . friends? And sometimes more than that?
ATTORNEY DAVIS: More than friends?
THE WITNESS: Yeah. They were together, on and off.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Together how?
THE WITNESS: Um, like a couple.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: They were a couple?
THE WITNESS: Yes and no.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You’ll have to explain that a little more, please, so the jury and I can understand it. Was Miss Baxter Jackson Winter’s girlfriend?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But they did things that couples do?
THE WITNESS: I guess. Sometimes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Like what?
THE WITNESS: Um. Kissing. Holding hands. Uh, stuff like that.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But the, uh, kissing and, um, other things that they did, that didn’t make her his girlfriend?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Huh. Why not?
THE WITNESS: He, uh—he had a different girlfriend. Not at camp. He had a girlfriend back home.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did Miss Baxter know about Jackson’s real girlfriend?
THE WITNESS: Yes, she did.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did she ever tell you how she felt about that?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: When she talked about Jackson having a girlfriend who wasn’t her, what did she say?
THE WITNESS: Different stuff. She was fine with it sometimes. Other times it made her feel angry or sad.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Jealous?
THE WITNESS: Sure.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Was it something they fought about?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How often did you witness them fighting, about that or other things?
THE WITNESS: I don’t— It’s hard to say. They bickered a lot. Sometimes kidding, sometimes not. Jackson seemed to enjoy it, kind of egging her on. I guess it got serious every week or so. They’d break up, get back together, break up again. I lost track. It’s just how they were together.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did these fights and breakups take a toll on Miss Baxter emotionally, would you say?
THE WITNESS: I’m not sure what you mean.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did they upset her?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Kayla, did you ever hear Elaine Baxter talk about killing Jackson Winter?
THE WITNESS: Uh . . .
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Yes or no, please.
THE WITNESS: Yes, but it was joking.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: She would joke about killing him?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How often?
THE WITNESS: I don’t know. Now and then.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You heard her joke about killing him more than once?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: More than three times?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: More than, say, a dozen times?
THE WITNESS: I guess so. Probably, yes. It was, like, an ongoing thing.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: I see. And when Elaine Baxter would talk about killing Jackson Winter, did she ever sound upset with him?
THE WITNESS: She’d— I mean, not usually. It was usually something they joked about together. Not a real thing. Not angry. Just something silly. An inside joke.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You said “usually.” But not always? She sometimes said it to you when she was upset?
THE WITNESS: [unintelligible]
JUDGE RODRIGUEZ: Could the witness please repeat that into the microphone?
THE WITNESS: Yes. I mean, I guess so.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did you hear Miss Baxter talk about killing Jackson in the days before he died?
THE WITNESS: Yes, but—
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did you see her get upset about Jackson having another girlfriend in the days before he died?
THE WITNESS: I— It’s not like that. It was complicated.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Complicated how?
THE WITNESS: They’d broken up. Him and his girlfriend. Or Lainie thought so. She told me— She told me he wanted to be with her for real, and he had broken up with his girlfriend, and they were going to stay together. She was happy. Those last several days, they were happy. Things were better.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And was it true? Had Jackson broken up with his girlfriend?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How do you know that?
THE WITNESS: Someone told me. A guy in his cabin. He said Jackson and Meghan were still together, that the breakup was a lie.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What day did you learn this?
THE WITNESS: The, uh— Thursday morning. The thirteenth.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Thursday the thirteenth. Meaning, the morning before Jackson died? The last morning he was alive?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And what did you do with this news when you heard it?
THE WITNESS: I told Lainie. Not right away. She was with him. But later that night, when I got her alone, I told her.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What time was it when you told her, do you remember that?
THE WITNESS: After dinner. It was getting dark. So, uh, sometime around eight or nine p.m., I guess.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How did Miss Baxter react when you told her?
THE WITNESS: She was upset. She didn’t want to believe it.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But she did believe it?
THE WITNESS: I don’t know. She didn’t say.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did she get angry?
THE WITNESS: Not really. She was pretty calm. I think she was kind of tired of the whole thing, and waiting to react until she could ask him about it.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: She planned to ask him if it was true? To confront him?
THE WITNESS: I’m not sure. I assumed so.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But you didn’t see it?
THE WITNESS: No. He came over to us and they were being normal, kind of cuddly, and there were a lot of people around at the campfire. It wasn’t a good or private time for them to talk.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Do you know if they found a private time to talk later?
THE WITNESS: Um. I think so. I don’t know for sure, I guess.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You didn’t see them talking alone that night before he died?
THE WITNESS: No, I didn’t see it.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: So on what basis would you assume they did?
THE WITNESS: They— I saw her leave the cabin. That night. She snuck out to go meet him.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You saw Elaine Baxter leave the cabin in the middle of the night on Thursday, August thirteenth?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What time was this, approximately?
THE WITNESS: After midnight, I think. We always snuck out after midnight. So I guess it was technically the fourteenth.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But you didn’t sneak out with her that night?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Why not?
THE WITNESS: I wasn’t— She didn’t invite me. I knew they wanted to meet up alone.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: She and Jackson Winter?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: And when she left the cabin after midnight in the early hours of August fourteenth, how do you know where she went?
THE WITNESS: Because we always went to the dock. And she was dressed for it. She had her hoodie on, because it got chilly sometimes on the lake, and she was barefoot but picked up her shoes to slip on. We put our shoes on outside to make less noise inside the cabin.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: So you saw Miss Baxter leave the cabin after midnight, wearing a hoodie and carrying shoes. Did you see her come back in?
THE WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What time was it when sh
e came back?
THE WITNESS: I don’t know.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Soon after she left?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: How do you know that?
THE WITNESS: Because . . . because I fell back asleep, and kind of woke up a while later and looked to see what time it was. It was 2:13. I thought she must already have come back and I must have slept through it, and I went to sleep again. But when she came back for real, I woke up and saw her, so I know it was after that, but I don’t know how long I’d been asleep. It could have been minutes or hours. I didn’t look at a clock that time.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Was it still dark?
THE WITNESS: It was still dark.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: But you could see clearly that the person who returned was Miss Baxter?
THE WITNESS: I know the way she moves and I could feel her climb up to her bunk. It kind of shakes the bed a little when she puts her weight on it.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: When she returned to the cabin, sometime after 2:13 a.m., was she still wearing the same hooded sweatshirt?
THE WITNESS: I don’t know.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: You don’t know?
THE WITNESS: I don’t remember. I didn’t notice. And there wasn’t as much moonlight then.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: In the morning, did she have that hoodie on?
THE WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Did you ever see her wearing the hoodie again, or see the hoodie again without her wearing it?
THE WITNESS: No. I don’t think so.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: I’m going to show you what has been marked for identification as Exhibit No. 12. Tell the jury what that is, please?
THE WITNESS: It’s—it’s a sweatshirt.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What kind of sweatshirt?
THE WITNESS: A blue hoodie. A blue zip-up hoodie.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Do you recognize that hoodie?
THE WITNESS: I—I guess.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: Is it the same hoodie you saw Elaine Baxter wearing when she snuck out of the cabin to meet Jackson Winter after midnight on the night that he died?
THE WITNESS: It— I don’t— I mean, it looks the same. Some of it.
ATTORNEY DAVIS: What about it looks the same?
THE WITNESS: Well, the color, I guess. And the thumbholes. And it’s the same brand and frayed at the pocket in the right place.
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