She nodded, She knew that.
"How long are you going to stay here?" I asked. She looked at me and then shook her head.
"It's a nice place."
She grunted.
"As niiiice as a cema... cema..."
"Cemetery?" Figuring out her words was almost like playing a game.
She nodded.
"You're not dead," I told her. I said it so matterof-factly that her eyebrows rose again, and this time I was positive she was smiling.
"Why did you send me to live with Great-aunt Frances?" I asked. "Did you want me to find out the truth?"
She just looked at me, her eyes saying nothing, her lips crooked, turning in and out.
"Why didn't you want to have your own baby?" She shook her head,
"It was mean to leave her alone there."
She looked away.
"She wants to come to see you."
She looked at me with skeptical eves.
"She does. Daddy said he would bring her to the mansion. He's taking me to see Mommy and Ian. He's getting a special car so he can drive me." Suddenly I felt a burst of verbal energy, a need to say everything. "He wants to be a better father. He isn't full of self-pity anymore. He's getting someone to be with Great-aunt Frances. I made a friend named Alanis and she's... coming to see me, too. I learned how to talk to Mommy with telepathy and she's coming home. She is. We're all going to come home, and you should try to come home. too."
I thought that made her laugh, but she could have just been choking on her effort to speak. Why did she have me brought here? I wondered. She is tying to find out things behind my father's back. She does want me to be like a little spy. Well, I won't be.
I stood up. The anger in me felt like boiling oil.
"My daddy shouldn't have been born in the attic," I said. "You better come home and tell him the truth. No secrets, no lies." I declared.
Then I turned away and ran out of the room, not even looking back.
Epilogue
. Daddy's car came, but he had to spend time learning how to drive it before he would take me anywhere in it. Felix drove us to my old school and wheeled Daddy in to meet with the principal and take care of the reenrollment. My teachers were happy to see me. I thought some of the students I had been with now looked at me in a very different way. It was almost as if I had been in some war or involved in some major event and had returned. I could see their curiosity, and afterward, many of them did attack me with questions about where I had been, what it had been like, why I had been brought home.
I found myself becoming Alanis, enjoying the elaborations and exaggerations I could create. They believed everything and were envious when I described the wild parties and being on my own. I could almost see the way their pity for me turned into respect.
Everyone seemed to want to be my new best friend. It was as if they expected I could guide them into maturity, teach them how to handle boys and be sexually sophisticated, especially when they saw the name Stuart written on my white shoes. They competed for my attention, each trying to impress me with what she already knew. Some even revealed things about their own sexual experimentation and experiences, begging me to keep their secrets locked away. When I looked at them all now. I thought my lenses had been washed clean and I could see each for who she really was. I felt I instinctively knew whom I should trust and whom I shouldn't.
Thank you, Alanis , I thought as I sauntered down the hallways, my head never held as high. Even my teachers looked at me differently. I could feel it in the way they spoke to me. They all saw me as older, wiser.
Was I really?
If only Ian could see this I thought.
By the weekend. Daddy was confident enough
in his driving to take me to visit Mommy. He'd even mastered getting his wheelchair out and unfolded. although I leaped to do that for him. The hospital had ramps, of course, and we took the elevator up to the floor Mommy was on.
When the elevator door opened. Daddy wheeled himself out, but then stopped. I stood there. waiting.
"Okay. Jordan," he said. "I haven't told you everything because I didn't want to get you frightened or disturbed when you were readjusting to returning home and your old school."
"Mommy's not better?" I asked quickly. "No, she's better, a lot better. She's conscious. but--"
"But what?"
"She doesn't remember very much. It's like being in a haze or a daze."
"You mean she doesn't remember the accident?"
"No, honey. She doesn't remember anything. She didn't remember me, for example. She probably won't remember you, so don't be upset. In time--"
"She'll remember me," I said. smiling. "She's been talking to me. Daddy. Remember? I told you about the telepathy?"
He sighed deeply. "Okay, Jordan. Let's go," he said and continued wheeling himself down the hallway. I followed alongside.
The nurses at the station midfloor saw us coming, and I saw the nurse I remembered Ian calling the case manager. Her name was Mrs. Feinberg, and she had been very angry at us when she'd found out Ian had brought me here without permission. It seemed like just yesterday.
"Mr. March." she said, smiling as she drew closer.
"Hello, Mrs. Feinberg. I believe you know my daughter. Jordan," he said.
"Yes." she said, looking at me with her head tilted a little and a wry smile on her face. "How are you doing?"
"Fine," I said quickly.
"She's doing a little better every day. Mr. March," Mrs. Feinberg told my father. "It's going to take time."
"Yes," Daddy said, He started to wheel himself toward the room.
I felt as if my heart had become something so light and airy that it floated about in my chest. I know I was holding my breath. We entered the room. Mommy was propped up and looking vacantly at the television set as if she had been hypnotized by the light and had no idea what was playing or what people were saying. She looked at us. but I saw no
recognition, no change in her expression. Daddy reached for my hand and looked up at me. I know he was expecting me to cry.
I didn't.
He wheeled close to her bed, and I followed. "You can give her a kiss," he whispered.
I did. I kissed her cheek. She brought her hand to it and stared at me.
"Hi. Caroline. I brought Jordan because she's come home. Remember I was telling you how she had gone off to stay with Aunt Frances for a while? Well, she's back now. I enrolled her in school this week. She's doing fine:' he added.
Mammy listened and then looked at me, but her expression didn't change.
"Talk to her," Daddy said.
"I have been talking to her." I told him.
"Talk to her some more. Jordan," he said, closing and opening his eves.
He doesn't believe me, I thought, That's all right. It's not important.
I started to talk to her as if she knew everything already. I began with my return to the mansion and the school. I told her about my classes and all the things I hadn't told her telepathically. She listened, her eyes on me, her expression never changing.
Daddy sighed and shook his head.
"Patience," Mrs. Feinberg whispered. I hadn't realized she was standing behind us the whole time. Daddy nodded.
"Keep talking to her," he said but without enthusiasm,
"Oh, I see the doctor is here. Mr. March," Mrs. Feinberg said. "Would you like to speak with him?"
"Yes," he said. "I'll be right back. Jordan. Just keep talking to her," he told me, turned his chair and wheeled out of the room.
Mommy followed him with her gaze, then looked at me.
Now that Daddy was gone. I began to tell her everything about my discovery, about Mrs. DeMarco and about visiting Grandmother Emma. She listened, and I could see her eyes darken and feel her fingers tighten a little in my hand.
"What should I do. Mommy? What should I do?" Her fingers moved in my hand, but she didn't speak. Daddy wheeled back into the room.
"How's it going?"
"Good," I said, and his eyes widened with surprise at my calmness.
"Okay. Now that you know how it is, we'll return regularly and hope for a quicker recuperation. We've got to leave now, honey. I have some other things to do."
"All right," I said.
He wheeled closer, took Mommy's hand, and told her we would return often and told her how much he wished for her to recover. She didn't say anything.
She's not ready to forgive him, I thought, but I knew in my heart she would someday.
He looked at me, turned and started to wheel himself out. I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
I felt her breath on mine. She trying to speak, I thought and leaned closer, bringing my ear to her lips.
I heard her.
No one would ever believe it. but I heard her. "Don't tell him." she whispered.
I smiled at her and nodded. Then I kissed her again and hurried out after Daddy.
We did visit her frequently, and her return began first in small ways and then in bigger and bigger ones as the memories started to reemerge in her brain.
"She's returning from a dark place." Mrs. Feinberg told me one time. "It's like climbing out of a deep hole into the light. There's more and more as you get higher and higher."
"I know," I said with such confidence that she pulled her head back. "She told me."
Everyone thought it was cute or funny, but I didn't care. I'm like Ian now, I thought. I know more than they do, and I'm comfortable about it. It doesn't matter what they think.
On Thursday of the following week. I was called out of class to the principal's office. All I was told was that my father was coming for me. I was surprised to see Felix actually come to sin me out.
"Your father's in the limousine," he said.
"Why didn't he drive himself in his special car?"
"He wanted me to drive him this morning, Jordan," he told me.
I hurried to get into the limousine. Daddy was sitting in the corner. waiting. Felix closed the door.
"Why are you taking me out of school. Daddy?" I asked him. "I'm afraid your grandmother has passed away, Jordan."
I'll never forget that for a moment I wondered whom he meant. Emma or Frances.
"Considering the limits to her recovery, it's probably for the best. My mother wasn't anyone who could accept anything less than perfection, especially for herself. I could almost guarantee you she decided her heart should stop. herself. She was always in charge. She would even tell Death what to do and when. Your great-aunt is being brought to the funeral," he added.
I didn't say anything.
We returned home, where we had a steady stream of visitors offering their condolences. Daddy wanted me at his side all the time. There were still many people alive who had been friends with my grandparents, even some former business associates from the steel company. Of course, there were all the people involved with all the charities Grandmother Emma had supported. It was. as Daddy would say, a true Who's Who. We even had a senator and two congressmen come to pay their respects.
I was impressed. but I waited eagerly for the arrival of Great- aunt Frances. No one was more important to me.
Felix brought her the day of the funeral. I was surprised at how good she looked. She had lost weight. Her hair was styled, and someone had helped her with her makeup, or else she'd finally realized how to do it conservatively so she wouldn't look silly.
She wore a very stylish black skirt, blouse and jacket. I imagined that whomever Daddy had gotten to be with her had been a really good influence.
She was really happy to see me, even more than Daddy or the mansion. I was full of questions for her about Alanis. Miss Puss. and Lester Marshall. She was overwhelmed by all the attention and by the mansion. Daddy was very nice to her. She looked at me almost every time he spoke to her. and I thought. She's wondering if I told himwhat Mrs. DeMarco told Alanis and me. I didn't know how to speak about it. I was afraid I would stir up the same sadness in her that had driven her to lock herself in the attic and take sleeping pills.
How hard it must have been for her to give away her baby and be forgotten.
We were too busy all day anyway, with the church service and the burial with the aftermath, for us to have any private conversation about it. and I had the sense that it was something better left unspoken, sort of like her saying, "No unhappiness, no bad news in this house."
The church was filled to capacity, and more people came to the mansion afterward. To me it seemed to become a big party, almost a celebration. It was catered, and for a while I thought it looked like one of those extravagant golden age parties
Grandmother Emma had been so proud to show us pictures of and describe. She would be pleased with my father, I thought, pleased with the man she'd kept her son, maybe dying to be sure she would never say otherwise.
So many people were introduced to Great-aunt Frances that I was sure she would remember no one. She obviously enjoyed the attention, however. She should, I thought, It'sway overdue. Loneliness was a shadow that would never fall over her again.
Toward early evening, the crowd of mourners thinned out until there was no one left but Felix. Nancy, Daddy, Great-aunt Frances and myself. Daddy expected that Great-aunt Frances would be very tired, but the activity seemed instead to have energized her. I thought she looked upset it was all over, in fact.
As I watched him talk to her. I realized, of course. that Grandmother Emma's passing meant she wouldn't be telling him the truth. I wondered what I should do.
Before the sun 1,went down. Daddy decided he needed some fresh air. Great-aunt Frances was eager to go out. too. I followed behind them, listening to Daddy's conversation. He had many questions about Grandmother Emma when she was a young girl. and Great-aunt Frances was happy to answer them. With Grandmother Emma gone, she was free now, I thought. She was unafraid.
But she was really not unkind. She said so many nice things about her sister that I wondered if she had made up the terrible ones, but then I thought about the truth and lies again. Great- aunt Frances was just too nice to say anything that might upset Daddy, I realized, Did that mean she was lying? Or did it mean she was more caring?
They got ahead of me on the walkway toward the pool area, passing gardens and fountains, weaving along through the hedges. Great-aunt Frances suddenly paused and began to wheel Daddy. I smiled to myself, wondering if she thought she was like a mother wheeling her child in a baby carriage. It was something she'd never gotten to do.
Would she bend down, lean toward his face and whisper in his ear, telling him she was really his mother?
Or was there something magical that would happen, if not now, someday when Daddy would look at her and realize the truth?
Maybe he would learn how to do Ian's telepathy and he would hear Great-aunt Frances's thoughts.
The simple word would unlock his heart.
The word every child knows in his or her very soul even before birth.
Mother.
A week later, a letter came for me. It was from Ian.
Unopened, it was waiting for me on my bed in my room. My fingers trembled as I tare the envelope and pulled out the paper.
.
Dear Jordan,
I suppose you know I'm in a new place.
You know the reasonwhy they wanted to move me. I'm stronger now, so they're probably sorry.
And I've decided it's more important for me to get them to let me come home. I have spoken with Mother about it andit's what she wants aswell. Father was here to see me and told me hell be bringing- you soon, too. He seemed different. I think he has changed or as Grandmother Emma might say, grown up.
They told me about her passing away.
I told them I knew and they just shook their heads of course.
They continually ask me if I am sorry about anything I've done.
I am sorry, but not for the reasons they would like to hear. I am not going to lie about it.
I am sorry because I real
ize I have left you alone out there.
So I have decided to do everything possible to come home.
Mother has told me she will need me as well and from what I can see of Father, he could use my assistance.
You only have value in relation to how you can help other people.
I told my new doctor that and he was very impressed.
I wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't tell Daddy and I won't ever tell Mother, but I'll tell you because you can keep a secret. We both know that,I'm tired of being alone.
Ian
.
The day after they brought Mammy home. Ian returned.
Great-aunt Frances was moved into
Grandmother Emma's bedroom.
Alanis was coming to visit me.
And suddenly it seemed like we had all been reborn, metamorphosing like one of Ian's caterpillars.
When I looked out my window, I saw the world was filled with butterflies.
Early Spring 02 Scattered Leaves Page 30