“Did the headshrink specify what genre of motion picture you had to watch?” I asked curiously as we got off the bus at the cinema.
Jolie barked out a laugh. “No, no specifics.”
“Okay, let’s think about our choices then here for a moment.” I pivoted behind her and gripped her upper arms, then shifted her body so she was looking at the wall of movie posters displaying the current showings. “We have giant robot aliens that have to save the world.”
“No,” Jolie said sadly.
I had to move on, fast!
I angled her to the right. “How about a kid and his dog travel across the country to find his long lost father?”
She looked at the poster and said curtly, “No.”
“Disney villain fights heroine? Probably an apple involved.”
“No.” She sounded bored.
I smiled a little and moved her so she could see the next poster. “How about the new Nicholas Sparks movie?”
“A romance?” Her voice sounded slightly brighter, but then she shrugged.
I couldn’t believe I actually wanted to see a romance with her. In fact, I might have preferred it over the others.
“Jolie, we’re running out of options,” I said. “We have the flick where the dude in the mask saws people in half.”
“I think this is a dud, Sam. Any of these just have way too much emotion to be safe.”
I closed my eyes for a moment against the pain she dealt with. Pain that I could only imagine. No way was I letting this be a dud. It was on her list and we were marking it off today!
“So, no action, no romance, no horror …” I thought for a moment. “Down the street there’s an adult superstore, we could do a porn flick!”
“SAM!” she spun out of my hands to slap my arm.
“It’s just a thought,” I played, sounding optimistic. “And it could lead to the checking off of number six.”
She glared at me, but I could tell it wasn’t a serious glare. It was almost like she wanted to.
“I got it! How about checking out an IMAX 3D film? They have …”—it took me a second to find the right sign—“Yellowstone, the Movie. It’s even narrated by Morgan Freeman.” Yes, I was trying to sell this.
“No specific emotions, just an experience,” she rationalized. “That’s like a documentary, right?”
“Right.” I took her by the hand and moved her body toward the glass doors. “Of course, if you change your mind about the adult film, just let me know.”
She giggled a little and it was like the music of wind chimes. I bought us two IMAX tickets and we walked inside.
“Do you want popcorn or candy?” I offered.
“No, I don’t want anything. Honestly. Just the smell is difficult right now.”
“Zero snackage, moving on.” I pulled us straight up the ramp and into the stadium style theater.
We found two seats and settled in.
“It’s been six years since I’ve sat in a movie theater,” she confided.
“It’s been a while for me too. I never have time.”
“I have all kinds of time.”
“Not with me around you don’t,” I insisted.
“That’s true.” Her voice was light again, and it relieved me. I wanted no meltdowns on my watch.
The lights dimmed and the screen lit up. Fifteen minutes in, I knew this had been a good idea. She liked heights and the footage was shot mostly from the sky. It was gorgeous.
“Have you ever been?” I whispered.
“To Yellowstone? No.” She shook her head in the dark.
“I could bring you there.” I leaned into her, but not too close. I wanted to watch her reaction.
She looked at me with skepticism and pressed her shoulder into my side.
“Don’t you believe me?” I asked.
“You did bring me, with the movie.”
“No, I mean for real. Want to?” What was I doing? I didn’t know for sure, but I couldn’t help myself.
“How would you do that?”
“Private plane. We could be there in a few hours.” I wanted her to say yes so badly, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. “We could leave after school next Friday and stay the weekend.”
“Is this how you charm all the girls?” she asked.
“No, baby, I don’t do this with anyone,” I promised. “This is how I charm you and you alone.”
She turned her head to look at me. I had been completely sincere. And I was going to fucking explode if I didn’t kiss her soon.
Once she caught my eyes, she could only hold the intensity of our gaze for a moment before she turned away.
We both put our eyes back on the screen as the photographer in the helicopter descended between the colorful rock layers of the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone to the Yellowstone River, which cut through the stone.
“Yes,” Jolie whispered next to me.
“Yes?” I needed to hear her say it.
“Yes, I’ll go with you to Yellowstone next weekend.”
I wanted to shout with excitement. Instead I squeezed my fists tight and closed my eyes. Hot damn, she said yes!
A moment later she rested her head on my shoulder and my heart melted in my fucking chest.
After the movie, we walked out into the evening air and I took her hand; not to yank her under an awning or rush someplace, but just to tell her that I was here next to her and that I wanted to be. I twined my fingers between hers and she let me.
We brought a pizza and six pack back to her place. When I realized it was getting late, I found myself trying to find a way to procrastinate. I didn’t want to leave.
“Why don’t you show me your poems and songs?” I suggested. “Really, Logan is all over my ass to write more material. If they’re any good maybe we could try some co-writing.”
“Sam, you’re a rising superstar and I have a notebook filled with chicken scratch. I don’t think they’d really mesh.” Still, she walked to her nightstand and took out a folder. “I pulled a few from my book I thought … I don’t know, that these were better than the others.”
She was smart. She pulled them out because she didn’t want me to come across her deepest secrets.
“Great idea,” I played along as I took the folder she offered. She had also brought over an unused yellow legal pad and a couple pens.
She sat next to me now on the loveseat and sipped at her beer.
Slowly I turned through the pages. The pain was palpable. Each poem screamed out from a depth I couldn’t fathom. Like brittle autumn leaves, her words showed just how truly fragile and breakable she was under the surface of her tough façade. As I turned the pages carefully, it was as if I was holding a part of her soul; my eyes stung and all I wanted to do was pull her into me and protect her.
Darkness covers all the light
I’m just so far down
There’ll be no rescue for me
I deserve the pain I’ve found
Where’s the hand to lift me
Trapped in a memory
Oceans away but still here in my soul
Where are you really, where did you go
The nightmare never ends
From this place I can’t wake up
I’ll never find the peace
I only breathe the dark
I swallowed hard. I was busting at the seams trying to be calm, but I needed to know what had happened to her. I wanted to be her light and the hand that lifted her out of her invisible hell. The curiosity burned through my fingertips where they touched the paper, scorching my blood.
Shit! These were amazing!
“These are …”—my breath caught in my throat and I had to swallow it down—“beautiful. Your words capture the deepest feelings ...” Purposefully, I took air through my nose and willed myself to hold my own feelings back. I didn’t want to overwhelm her. “How about we try writing something new together?” I set the papers down and forced a smile.
“Like what?
”
“Um … Oh, I know.”
I needed to pull us both out of the intense emotions that had descended over us, so I started tapping an upbeat rhythm on the table with my hand and sang with the tempo.
“Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …
Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …”
I wrote the words on the paper and then smiled up at Jolie. “Now jump in whenever something comes to you.” Her sweet lips twisted together and she began chewing on the end of her pen. “Don’t be nervous, it’s just me,” I assured her. “Just say what comes into your mind. Most important thing is not to overthink it. Let’s try again.”
“Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …
Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …”
“Of time,” she sang, adding to it.
“Yeah …” I smiled and nodded. “Nice.”
I wrote it down before continuing with more words, singing a capella as I went.
“I’ve played the field and it’s so cold
I want to feel the warmth of your soul …”
Jolie interjected, “But it’s so broken, how can I share
Something that I can’t lay bare.”
I answered her:
“Baby, all you need to do is trust
We’ll go slow and figure it out …
Ohhh …
Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …
Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …”
“Of time,” she sang.
“Yeah … just a little bit of time,” I sang, lifting the tune as I went.
She sang with a pretty, melodic voice that made me wonder how she’d sound if she were to really try.
“How can I trust when all I know
Is the crushing pain that haunts my soul …”
I responded:
“Baby, hold my heart in your hands
Feel it beat for you and believe the words I said.”
We weren’t just writing a song, we were having a conversation between our souls. I felt it and I knew she did too.
“Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …
Ba ba ba … da da da … Just a little bit, just a little bit …”
“Of time.”
Goddamn it! She was strong and fragile and brave and broken and perfect.
Desperation clung to my chest. I wanted to pull her close to my body and keep her safe.
Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” played through my mind before I heard her sniff and realized she’d begun to softly cry.
“He would have liked it … the song.” She reached over and ran her thumb
lingeringly against my lip ring. “He wore one of these for a while too until Becca, this girl he was dating, disapproved and he took it out for her. He was always like that, selfless and giving.”
I steadied myself as she stared blankly into my eyes. It seemed she wasn’t looking at me at all, but through me, to something or someone else.
“I killed him, and he saved my life.” Her voice was no higher than a whisper. She looked back down at the paper we’d written the song on. “I was nineteen and was afraid of driving. I hated the tractor trailer trucks on the highway, so I hadn’t gone for my license. But he talked me into it, bribed me really. Told me he’d take me to see Shinedown, my favorite band, front row tickets and everything if I got it. So I went and got my permit.”
She paused, and I wondered who he was while I tried to piece together her cryptic statement about how he had saved her life but she’d killed him.
“For weeks he taught me how to drive on the back roads, until he thought I was ready for my driver’s license. He even brought me to get it.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath. “His name … was … Ethan. He was my older brother by three years.”
She stopped again and slowly put the smooth glass bottle of beer to her lips, swallowing the contents before she started again.
“When he died, my entire world stopped. He just disappeared, simply ceasing to exist.” Jolie fixed her stare across the room onto the empty wall. “I called out to him, talked to him all the time. Hoping some part of him remained, you know? It turns out I was the only ghost.
“Everything else kept going—cars raced over the highways, television stations still broadcasted their shows, babies were born and people were upset about things as petty as a bad manicure. I couldn’t think about anything but death. I thought about the real, living, breathing people who’d gone through horrendous events, like the earthquakes in Haiti and Indonesia; children wandering through the demolished streets, parentless, their world completely destroyed and irreparable. But while they suffered the worst possible fate, somewhere else people were shopping at the mall. Laughing and hanging out. Nobody else’s lives changed, and I was so angry at that—the whole world should have stopped and held its breath like I did—it would have only been right and respectful.”
Silent tears rolled down her face. I wanted to kiss each one away, touch her, comfort her, but I didn’t dare move, not yet.
“My dad stopped talking to me. He shut himself up into his woodshop and that was it. My mom grieves because she didn’t only lose her son that day, but her daughter too.”
“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t near enough. I had to relieve that building combustion that threatened to rip her apart like a grenade. I touched her hand with mine, softly, tentatively. She was so broken; could I put the pieces back together again?
“I killed him, Sam. You need to know it, so you can let go of me now and go back to your life.” She took her hand back and swiped roughly at her eyes.
“How did it happen?” I asked tenderly.
“He made good on his promise and we saw Shinedown. When we got out of the concert he talked me into driving home.” A pained expression crossed her face. “So I did. Have you ever heard of guardrail heads?”
“Yeah, the heavy metal apparatus on the end of guardrails. They’re designed to protect cars if they hit it.”
“They don’t always work the way they’re supposed to,” she said, keeping a blank, emotionless expression.
I grimaced.
“We were blasting Shinedown in the car, still high from the excitement of the concert, and um… oh God, I’m sorry…” She rubbed the palms of her hands up and down her legs to her knees and back trying to steady herself. “A drunk driver… he just swerved in front of me; I tried to swerve away. I’ve played it over and over a million times in my mind—If I’d hit the brake a second earlier or swerved more the other way … or … or … something. Anything. I should’ve never gotten behind the wheel in the first place because if Ethan had been driving, he would have known exactly what to do and he’d still be …” She shook her head, pain clouding her eyes. “Our cars slammed together with such a sickening force …”
Her eyebrows pressed together as if she were trying to solve a mystery. “I can still hear the metal crushing. I remember what it felt like when the car flipped and rolled, but then I felt nothing.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath. “I woke up to Ethan screaming my name … When I opened my eyes it took a minute for me to grasp what had happened. I was sick to my stomach and disoriented. I looked down to scratch my leg and I saw that it was broken. My bone was sticking out and it had ripped right through the denim of my jeans.”
A pained breath escaped my lips. Oh my God!!
Chapter Thirteen
“You Found Me”
The Fray
Kate
“KATE! KATE!” Ethan screamed to rouse me. For some reason he was panting and coughing. “You have to get yourself out of the car, Kate! Can you hear me?! WAKE THE FUCK UP!”
“I’m awake. Stop yelling at me, you’re hurting my head,” I complained. I was so disoriented. What was happening?
“Get out of the car … and a
s far away from it as possible!” he said between gasps. “I can smell gas”—he coughed again and then groaned—“and a fire … just started in the back.”
The crash … we crashed. My leg felt strange. I bent down to scratch it and saw bone jutting out through my jeans. For a moment, all I could do was stare at it, dumbly.
“KATE!”
Why did Ethan keep screaming at me? I shook my head and tried to focus, but it was hard when my body felt so wrong. I looked back and saw smoke. Ethan was right, we needed to get out of here.
“Okay, come on then, let’s hurry up.” I unsnapped my seatbelt and pushed my door open. But Ethan hadn’t made a move. “Ethan, come on!’ I said, lurching toward the door.
“I’m not … going with you this time, sugarcane.” He stopped and wheezed, coughing harder this time. Was the smoke already so thick? “You’re on your own.”
I finally looked over at him just as he rested his head on the back of his seat.
That’s when I saw it.
The guardrail had broken free from the head and had come straight through the front of the car on the passenger side, slicing Ethan nearly in half. It had literally torn through the steel of the car like an ultra-sharp Ginsu knife and had pinned him into his seat, severing his right leg at the hip. I didn’t know how he was conscious, much less talking to me.
I panicked, nearly screaming, “I’ll get it out!” I started pulling desperately at the metal monstrosity, but it didn’t budge. I only managed to cut my hand on the jagged metal edge, sending more blood pouring down my arm, mingling with Ethan’s.
“You’re not getting it out, Kate,” he said, suddenly strangely calm. “I’m pretty sure it’s severed the artery …”—his eyes started to flutter, as if he were having trouble keeping them open—“and it definitely skewered some major organs.”
“ETHAN!” I cried.
“I love you, Kate … but that was our last ride together.” He was gasping for air now, barely able to pull in a breath. “Now, you have to get out of the car.”
True North Book 3 - Finding Now Kate and Sam Page 12