Sophia shrugged, her eyes now distant. "There is a part of me that believes what you say, Lewis. I think. Still, if I know that all to be true, why is it that I cannot tolerate being around most men? Why can't I do as my mother requests and simply pick some wealthy and titled gentleman to wed and just be done with this farce? Why did I need to resort to trickery to maintain my reputation when a wedding would have just as easily sufficed? Why do I fear being touched by any man, save for you?" She looked up at him with pleading in her eyes, her fear and pain so clearly visible there that it broke Lewis' heart.
This woman was too special, too perfect to suffer this way and once more, he raged inside. Had Selby not already been dead, Lewis would have hunted him down and broken the man's neck with his bare hands.
"I do not know," Lewis finally admitted, pulling Sophia just a bit closer than was proper. He felt her tremble but she did not pull away, a clear indication of her trust in him. "As a man, I have not and will not suffer as you have. All I can say is that each of us deals with these types of matters in our own way. I play the role of a dashing and proper gentleman, a happy and jovial man by day and a charming gentleman rogue by night. That does not mean I do not still feel the pain. Only that I have learned to manage it and get on with things as best I can."
That was about as close as Lewis had ever come to admitting the truth of how he felt, of how the wounds of war had not - and likely would not - ever heal. He did not reveal that much of himself to anyone. He had certainly not intended to reveal that part of himself to Sophia either. At best, he had planned to bring her here to tell her about his scars and perhaps mention that he was not always as jovial as he was made out to be in the papers. He had certainly never planned to bare his soul to her in this manner.
Yet, once more, she had surprised him with her wit, her teasing and her easy acceptance of all that he was - including his appearance. Perhaps, he mused, that was why she felt comfortable in his presence. In addition to him knowing the truth of that night, she could see for herself that he was just as damaged as she was. Whatever the reason, he was thankful for this moment in time that he had been granted with her. It would not and could not last, but for this little bit of his life, he felt normal again. Like a whole man. That was a gift that he could never repay.
He might be doing her a favor by continuing with this ruse, but she was paying him back tenfold. Even if she did not know it.
"Lewis, I..." Sophia started to speak but in the end, the words clogged in her throat and she could not make them come out. Instead, her heart cracked inside of her chest, thankful that this man of all people seemed to understand that this hell she was enduring was one of mixed up feelings and emotions. That it was almost impossible to explain and even harder to endure most days. Why him? She could not say. She was simply thankful that there was at least one other person in England whom she could confide in, even if most of the time, her words made little sense to anyone but the two of them.
"Lewis..." She tried again but this time, her words were cloaked with tears. She had thought she was finished shedding tears over that night, but she appeared to have been wrong on that count.
"Shhh. It is all right, Sophia. In the end, it will all work out." Without thinking, Lewis pulled her into his embrace. For a brief moment, he felt her stiffen in fear but then just as quickly she relaxed, her body melting against his as she sought out the comfort he offered.
As she continued to sob into his shoulder, he prayed that everything really would be all right. For Lewis Blackmore was not a man given to making false promises. He did not wish for his promise to Sophia just now to be the first.
Chapter Eight
"I read in the Tattler this morning that you were seen out on Lord Blackmore's arm again last evening. Something about both of you attending Lady Willford's musicale, I believe?" Lady Diana Saintwood, now Lady McKenna, the Marchioness of Hallstone, took a sip of her tea and shifted in her chair, likely trying to find a comfortable position as the babe that grew inside of her belly seemed to be quite active this afternoon.
What was it with Sophia's old friends that they were all with child at the moment? For despite how pleased she was for them as a whole, she was also a bit jealous at the same time. However she did her best to push those thoughts aside and concentrate upon the question at hand. "We were. I find that I enjoy Lord Blackmore's company immensely as of late. Not to mention that Lady Willford's daughter, Charity, is more than passable on the pianoforte."
Sophia was delighted that her old friend and confidante had dropped by during calling hours, but she was not so delighted by the current line of Diana's questions. True, Sophia had done herself no favors by refusing to receive Diana a sennight ago when they all first returned to Town, but that was before...well, before everything really. Including Lewis' presence in her life.
"As I enjoy Lachlan's?" Diana asked rather pointedly.
She was, of course, referring to her husband, Lord Lachlan McKenna, the half-Scottish marquess that Diana had run off to Gretna Green to wed at the end of this past Season. The elopement had caused something of a scandal in London society, but the Saintwood family had weathered the event well enough, especially with the unwavering support of Lord Nicholas Rosemont, the infamous Bloody Duke. Now, both Diana and Lachlan were nestled back within the bosom of Society, well liked and respected by everyone. With a loving husband by her side and a babe on the way, Diana now enjoyed the sort of life she had always deserved, especially after being treated so callously by Sophia's own brother for the better part of their adult lives.
In fact, it was little wonder that Sophia and Diana had remained friends at all, especially after Adam had so publicly disavowed even courting Diana earlier in the year. However, that was before Adam himself had been brought low and nearly cut from Society. It had also been before he met Abigail. Thankfully, forgiveness had abounded over the long, beastly hot and seemingly endless summer, enough so that Diana felt comfortable calling upon Sophia in the home of her previous beau who had abandoned her so callously.
"I do not know what you mean," Sophia deflected as she reached for another biscuit. "Lord Blackmore and I have known each other for some time now. I danced with him at my come out ball, if you will remember."
Diana smiled serenely, as only someone who had once been in Sophia's position could. "I well remember that night, though for different reasons than you do, I am certain. I also remember that he was not the man who caught your eye. Alex was. Just as Adam caught mine."
"Alex Selby is no longer here." Sophia tried to keep the bitterness from her tone, lest she give away her secret. Outside of Lewis, no one other than Reynolds family members knew the truth of that night, not even her dear friends, and Sophia intended to keep it that way. "Lord Blackmore is."
For a moment, Diana simply studied her friend curiously, and Sophia had the irrational fear that all of her secrets were written plainly on her face, simply waiting to be read. And perhaps some of them might have been, for Diana bit her lip and pursed her lips tightly. "If there was more to the matter than a simple falling out between you and Alex, you could confide in me you know. After all of the horrid things I told you about your own brother, it is the least I can do in return."
"I...ah...there is nothing to say. Truly, Diana, there is not. I simply enjoy Lord Blackmore's companionship at present. And as for Lord Selby? He is in the past. Not to mention, um, rather deceased, if you will forgive me for saying so." Sophia took a long gulp of tea to hide her discomfort over the matter, her cup clattering back into her saucer as her hand shook.
There was a part of Sophia that desperately wished to confess everything to her old friend. However, she was still so very afraid. Despite their long years of nearly unbreakable friendship, what if Diana blamed Sophia for what had transpired in that coach? What if Lewis was wrong in his assessment and this was even a tiny bit her fault?
In truth, Sophia had very little experience in the ways of men, given that she had been infatuated w
ith Alex almost from the very beginning of her life in Society. Sophia did not think she could bear the censure in Diana's eyes if that was the case. She needed her friends to lean upon now more than ever. She did not wish to lose them over something she should likely learn to deal with on her own.
Diana peered at Sophia speculatively over the rim of her own teacup. "While I sincerely doubt that is true, I shall not press if you do not wish me to do so." Then she placed the cup back on the table. "Simply tell me this, Sophie. Does Lord Blackmore treat you better than Lord Selby did?"
"Yes. He does." Then Sophia sighed and slumped forward in her seat, which was not at all the proper and ladylike thing to do. "Though if you saw Selby's treatment of me as something less than gentlemanly, it does you great credit and me a poor one. I was not nearly as aware of his nature as you were, it seems."
"So something did happen." Diana looked far too pleased with herself for Sophia's liking.
"He gambled rather a lot." It was the best excuse Sophia could come up with on such short notice.
"That is not what I meant and you well know it." With some difficulty, Diana rose and came to sit beside Sophia, nudging her friend to scoot aside so that she might join Sophia on the settee. "Sophie, please. We have been friends for ages, almost since the cradle. Why can't you confide in me over this? Shutting out some others I might understand, but after all we have been through together? You and me and Eliza?"
For a long moment, Sophia simply clutched the handle of her delicate teacup before placing it back on the table, afraid that it might break in her grasp. "I want to, Di. I truly do. I want to confide in you and Eliza both. And in time, I will. But not now. It is too new. Too painful."
Diana pressed her lips closed more tightly now. "I have my guesses as to what that scoundrel did to you, but I will wait for you to confirm them rather than be wrong about this matter." Then she grumbled, "Perhaps it is for the best that the man is dead. I have a feeling that if Adam did not kill him, Lachlan likely would. Nicholas as well." She reached out and took Sophia's hand in her own. "Does Lord Blackmore know? Is that why he is with you now?"
"He knows enough." That was as far as Sophia would go in her confession this day.
"So this is all a ruse then?" Diana narrowed her eyes unhappily. "For if that is all there is to the matter, I want you to promise me that you will be careful, Sophie. Not all of these games involving the heart end as well as Lachlan and mine's did. Or Nicholas and Eliza for that matter."
It was a poorly kept secret that, at first, Lachlan had only pretended to court Diana in order to keep unwelcome suitors away from her so that she might find her one true love while Lachlan kept his soon-to-be-widowed step-mother, Claire, far away from his bedchamber. Or that Nicholas had, at first, only pretended to court Eliza so that he might keep an eye on her brother Stephen who had miraculously returned from the dead - only to discover that the man in question was not Stephen at all but rather Francis, the actual Framingham heir who was thought to have died at birth.
However to Sophia's mind, just because both of her dear friends had fallen in love with the men they schemed and plotted with, that did not mean she would do so with Lewis. After all, Eliza and Nicholas had been half in love with each other the better part of their lives, and Lachlan and Diana had experienced the rare gift of love at first sight. Neither of those was the case with Sophia and Lewis.
"It is...complicated," Sophia finally replied after a pause so long that it stretched into the uncomfortable. "Though I can promise you that I will not fall in love with Lewis. Though I do like him a great deal." That much was true. In a short time, he was quickly coming to be one of her most trusted friends. After that fateful night, Sophia wasn't certain she would be able to say that about anyone ever again.
Once more, Diana gave an unladylike snort. "Ah. Lewis, is it? That is how it begins, you know. The use of his Christian name. After that? Well, I am afraid that it is only a matter of time until that first kiss." She gave Sophia a knowing smile. "Unless that has happened already."
Sophia shook her head, a blush creeping up her cheeks. "It hasn't." Though she could admit that the idea of Lewis kissing her intrigued her. It also did not make her feel as if she wished to scream in fear. She supposed that was progress.
"It will. I can tell by the way you talk about him." Once more, Diana struggled to her feet and Sophia rose with her, lending her old friend a helping hand. "And when that kiss does happen? Do not be afraid, Sophie, for though I know little of him, I believe that Lord Blackmore is a good man at heart. Lachlan, Nicholas, Rayne, Frost, and several other men in that circle speak very highly of him."
Once more, Sophia knew a quick stab of jealousy. Diana was a true part of that new circle of friends now, spending time with Eliza, Lavinia, Abigail, Sarah, and the other new wives of some of England's most powerful and respected lords. It was a circle that Sophia had always assumed she would join - and join sooner than most of her friends. She still desired to be a part of that world, but not at the expense of the rest of her life. She did not wish to marry just to be a part of that elite group, only to be saddled with a husband whose touch she could not tolerate for more than a moment or two.
"Lord Blackmore is a good man," Sophia replied as she walked Diana to the door, waving away Thompson as she did so. "At least I believe that he is. He has been a friend to me since I returned for the Little Season. And perhaps before that, as well."
That elicited yet another raised eyebrow from Diana. "All I ask is that you be careful, Sophie. There are other men, some might say less complicated men, such as Lord Hunt who could be that friend if you were so inclined."
"I would not take another woman's beau." Sophia shook her head, for just about all of London now knew about Lord Hugh Hunt's infatuation with Lady Aurelia Tillsbury. "That would be wrong. Even for a woman like me who tends to go after everything she desires." Then she grinned and for a moment, the worry relaxed away from Diana's face.
"There is my old friend Sophia." Diana reached out and clutched her friend's hand tightly. "I though we had lost you. I have not seen that side of you since the Enwright house party. Especially after you would not receive me the other week."
Sophia toyed absently with the stack of mail on a silver salver, still not quite ready to confess the depths of her fears just yet. Not even to Diana. "I was always still here, Di. Just a bit lost, I fear. But I am back now. I promise. I also promise to be very careful, though you have nothing to worry about. I do not have any tender feelings for Lord Blackmore. Merely friendship."
"I shall take you at your word, then." Diana was helped into her pelisse by the ever-present Thompson. "Though do not be surprised if both Eliza and I stop by in a few days to see how you are faring."
"If Eliza is still planning to attend some of the larger social gatherings, then she might see me tonight at Lady Carlisle's Ice Ball. I am ashamed to admit that I do not know her condition these days to be certain whether or not she is well enough to do so." That was a slight on Sophia's part and she knew it. In the past, she never would have been so careless as to let her friendship with either Eliza or Diana slide, no matter that they no longer moved in the same social circles that they once had. They both meant far too much to her for that.
"Tonight is to be her last major event of the Season, I think," Diana confirmed as Sophia broke protocol and walked her friend all the way to the front door. In the past, no matter how close they were, Thompson had always shown Sophia's guests out. Not today, however, which was likely another indication of just how different of a woman Sophia now was. "She is just about in her seventh month, as am I, and it is difficult for me to move about as well. I think that both of us will be entering our confinements soon enough." Diana sighed tiredly. "Much as I love Lachlan and would do anything for him, I fear that I grow weary of carrying this babe."
Shaking her head, Sophia took Diana's hand in her own. "You will be a wonderful mother and Lachlan a doting father. Of that I have no doubt."
As if understanding all that Sophia did not say, Diana pulled her friend into as close of an embrace as her swollen stomach would allow. "You are a good friend, Sophia. I pray that one day you will find the same happiness that Eliza and I have. Neither of us believed it possible, but we were wrong. I hope the same holds true for you as well."
After a few more moments of good-byes, Sophia finally closed the door to the town home behind her friend, Diana's words about Sophia finding her own happiness still ringing loudly in her ears.
Was it possible for her to be happy when she could tolerate no man's touch but Lewis'? Could she ever have a child of her own, especially when the act required to place her in that condition filled her with a certain amount of dread? Or would she eventually be forced to marry a man who already had children and be mother to them, never really having a child of her own? Sophia had no answers for any of those questions and she wasn't certain she would in the near future either.
"Was that Lady Hallstone?" Sophia turned to see Abigail who was herself increasing fairly rapidly as of late. "I am sorry that I missed her. Lady Charlotte wanted me to give her regards from both her and her parents. They only arrived back in Town a few days ago and are not quite up on the social whirl as of yet."
During the previous season, Abigail and Lady Charlotte Cleary, the daughter of Lord and Lady Waverly, had developed a fast friendship and, unlike Sophia and her close friends, Charlotte and Abigail hadn't allowed the fact that Abby was now wed while Charlotte still was not interfere with their friendship. If anything, the two women were closer than ever.
"It was," Sophia confirmed, "and I fear that Lady Charlotte's greetings must be passed on tonight or they shall not be passed on at all until sometime in the new year."
A Gentleman by Moonlight Page 11