Saundra O’Riley worked part-time as a secretary, but she was always home when Kim got back from school. Bradley O’Riley was a trial lawyer, and for a little while Kim had a bit of a crush on him. He was handsome and tall and funny, though more serious when he was on a case. He didn’t talk much about the trials he was involved in, but she always knew when they were over because he started telling jokes again.
When she turned sixteen the O’Rileys offered to help her get her driver’s license, and also announced that they’d proceed with adoption if she wanted. She couldn’t believe her luck; usually foster kids didn’t get to drive because it was rare to find a family willing to take on that much responsibility. But it was clear by that point she was a good fit with the O’Rileys. She said yes to the adoption.
Not long after she began driver’s ed, Saundra’s sister and brother-in-law were arrested for drug use. Natasha, their seventeen-year-old wild child, was in danger of being placed with the state because none of their other relatives would take her. Saundra and Bradley stepped in, inviting her to stay with them temporarily. Nothing was specifically said to Kim, but she knew the plans for her adoption would be shelved until Natasha was gone.
Kim ripped the letter from the notebook and crumpled it to a ball. She had enough on her mind without dragging all this back up. The last person whose face she wanted hovering in her mind’s eye today was Natasha.
“WOW, REALLY? THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE?” Corrie stood beside the boxes Kim had piled near the front door.
“Pathetic, isn’t it?”
“No—I’m impressed. And a little jealous, even. There are a lot of benefits to being able to travel light.”
Kim sighed. “It just reminds me that I’ve never settled anywhere. I really hope that changes now.”
Corrie folded her arms and opened her mouth as though to speak. It took her a moment before she finally launched in, her gaze resting on the boxes but occasionally flicking up to Kim. Kim had never seen Corrie uneasy before. “I know we haven’t known each other very long, and that we’re not close or anything. But, I don’t want to hate myself later for not saying something. I’m still a little worried about you, Kim. I just have a bad feeling.”
Kim avoided Corrie’s eyes when they finally fixed on her and busied herself with smoothing out a bubble in the tape holding one of the boxes shut. She didn’t want her last conversation with Corrie to get nasty, but she also didn’t want to get into a discussion on the subject when Rick was on his way over. “I appreciate the concern, honestly. But seriously, there’s no reason for it. And—not to sound rude or anything—but it’s not like you really know me. And you certainly don’t know Rick.”
Corrie was silent for a moment, her eyes trained on the boxes. “I suppose that’s true. I’m sorry I didn’t try to get to know you better.”
Kim let out a little laugh. “Oh Corrie, we’re so different I don’t think we’d ever figure out how to be real friends. We worked well as roommates and I’m fine that that’s all we were. I’m not your kind of people.”
Corrie was about to reply when the intercom buzzed. Kim’s stomach lurched as she reached for the button. “Hello?”
“Hey, I’m looking for a new roommate; know anyone who might be interested?”
Kim laughed louder than necessary to show Corrie just how excited she was about this move. “I’m all packed and ready to go!”
“Awesome, let me up.”
Kim hit the button that opened the foyer door and turned back to Corrie. “Thanks again.”
Corrie gave her a small smile. “You’re welcome.”
A knock on the door made Kim’s heart leap into her throat. She pulled it open and grinned. “Hey stranger. Move my boxes and I’ll pay half your rent.”
“Sounds like a good deal to me.” He gave her a kiss and smiled at Corrie. “Been nice knowing you. Thanks for your hospitality.”
“You’re welcome. Take care of her.”
Kim bristled but tried not to show it. “What am I, five?” She forced a laugh, then hoisted a box in her arms and followed Rick out the door.
KIM’S STOMACH FLUTTERED THE WHOLE way to Rick’s apartment. She noticed things she’d never seen before: the way the cluster of maples at the end of the building made a perfect shady picnic spot, the paint peeling from the gutters, the handprint cutouts in a window that belied the presence of children. My new home.
Rick parked the car at the end of the building, then leaned over and kissed her. “Welcome home, baby.”
She gave him a smile, though her face strained with the effort. “Thank you.”
“I’ll go prop open the security door and unlock the apartment.” She watched him go up the short stairs and disappear into the building, then got out and popped the trunk to retrieve the first of the boxes. When he returned with a boot to jam the outer door open, she went inside and turned left, following the short hall to his end unit.
She’d wondered if he would change anything in anticipation of her arrival, but it looked the same as it usually did. The dingy white walls looked more stark in the day, and the dust that sat on most surfaces glittered in the sun that was shining in the living room window. Bachelors. Do they ever clean? She walked past the small kitchen and into the bedroom where two dresser drawers were open and empty. She sucked in a breath to steady her nerves and set the box on the bed. She’d only ventured in here a couple times, since they spent most of their time on the couch on the nights they stayed in and cooked. It didn’t matter where she concentrated her focus, however—the bed was the only thing she seemed to really see.
They’d started sleeping together after their fifth date. It hadn’t been the mind-blowing experience she’d hoped it would be, but the feeling of belonging to someone, of being enmeshed wholly and completely with another person, was exactly what she’d been hoping for. When his arms were looped around her waist, hugging her tight to him beneath a quilt on the couch, she stayed as still as possible to avoid breaking the spell. When the clock on the wall read 1:00 a.m. she had to force the words “I should go” from her mouth.
But when they’d been living apart, their schedules only allowed for so many opportunities for intimacy. Knowing how much easier it would be to find those opportunities now, she worried about falling pregnant. She felt funny talking to Rick about birth control, and had gone on the pill after their first month together even though he always had condoms at the ready. She didn’t know how to bring up her fears without disappointing him—she was fairly certain limiting sex would not go over well—and she didn’t want to disappoint him.
You’re being paranoid. Condoms and the pill together are a contraceptive Fort Knox. Don’t say anything to ruin this.
They were done unloading the car in mere minutes, and when they closed the apartment door after the last trip in, he dropped his box on the floor and pulled her into a hungry kiss. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m so glad to be here.”
“I love you, Kim.”
The words melted the resistance she’d felt all day. “Rick, I love you too.”
He kissed her again, then said, “Let’s get you settled in. I want you to feel at home.”
He hung her clothes in the closet while she put her toiletries in the bathroom. Then he put her folded clothes in the dresser while she unpacked her desk drawers box onto the living room floor and separated the items into piles. “Can I have a desk drawer?”
“Of course. Bottom one is cleaned out.”
She carted her things into the room and began to set them into the drawer, noting she’d need to buy some sort of organizer so things weren’t just sitting in a heap at the bottom. As she was getting up to go back into the living room, she heard a muffled voice. “What did you say?” she called.
“I didn’t say anything.”
She frowned. “Then you have a ghost.”
He laughed and came into the room with her. “What?”
The voice sounded again, as well as another wi
th it. “That! What is it?” She looked in the closet, expecting to see a hole to the outside.
“Oh—it’s these walls, they’re thin as paper. You’re hearing the neighbors.”
She stood still, head cocked towards the wall. “Wow, really?” She moved to the wall and set her ear to it. “They’re talking about a movie. I can hear practically every word!”
“Shh, they’ll hear you too, you know.”
She clapped a hand over her mouth and giggled.
“Now you know why I use the other room for the bedroom. Can you imagine how much it would suck to live in one of the interior units?”
“Seriously.”
She followed him back to the living room. “I need some lunch. You?”
“Definitely. I’ll cook if you want, and you can finish putting your things where you want them.”
She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You’re such a doll.”
“Right back atcha.” He planted a kiss on her nose, then wandered into the kitchen, whistling as he pulled food from the fridge. Kim felt herself relaxing into her new reality and chided herself for her reservations. She unpacked her boxes as Rick prepared their meal, letting her imagination meander through the possibilities for their future as she integrated her belongings into their new home.
The afternoon was filled with errands, and they spent the early evening cooking a celebratory dinner that ended with champagne and strawberries. After dinner they sat on the couch watching reruns until the news came on. “I have an early appointment in the morning,” Kim said at ten as she stretched and stood. “I should probably get to bed.”
A light ignited in his eyes. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
It was as though a dam broke inside her. Fear flooded her heart and the confidence she’d felt for most of the day was washed away in a tidal wave of regret.
Tears spilled to her cheeks, which made her feel even worse. Now she’d ruined everything. “I’m sorry, Rick, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
He took her hand and pulled her gently to the bedroom, then sat down on the bed and tugged her next to him. She kept her eyes to the floor, embarrassed. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
I feel like I should run out that door and not look back. I feel like I’m about to step off a cliff into nothing. I feel like I’m about to make the worst mistake of my life—and that’s saying something. “I—I don’t know.”
“Is it just stress? The move, all the changes?”
She sniffed. “Maybe.”
“Is it because we’re not married? I mean, I didn’t think that was a big deal to you, but maybe it’s a bigger deal than you thought it was.”
She sniffed and shook her head. “I don’t think that’s it. I don’t know what it is, Rick, honestly.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Maybe you don’t feel safe.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “That’s it. That’s exactly it. And I don’t know why! I mean, this is you we’re talking about.” She leaned against him, inhaling the heavenly scent of his cologne. “You love me. You’re taking such good care of me. Why shouldn’t I feel safe?”
He slid off the bed and knelt in front of her. “Maybe because you don’t know if you can trust me to always be there for you. Who in your life ever has been?”
She nodded, relieved that he understood. “That’s true.”
“So maybe if I can show you that I’ll always be there, you won’t feel so unsafe.”
She smiled. “Yeah, maybe. But I already know in my head that you will—any ideas how we can get the message through to my heart?”
He stared at her for a moment, studying her, then a slow smile spread across his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring, then held it before her. “Marry me, Kim?”
Her eyes went wide and her words left her. She stared at the ring open-mouthed. “Oh. Oh, Rick.”
He laughed and took her hand. “That a yes?”
Her mind clicked and whirred as all the reasons she’d amassed for not wanting to get engaged yet went missing. She saw before her the ideal she’d longed for her whole life. There was no way she was turning it down. “Yes!”
He slipped it on her finger and sprang up, tackling her while she laughed, and said, “We’re engaged? Seriously, we’re engaged?”
“We are!” He kissed her and she kissed him back, her emotions overrunning the disquiet in her spirit. She allowed herself to be pulled into him, body, mind, and soul, until she was lost in his kiss and oblivious to time.
An hour had passed by the time they disentangled and curled together beneath the sheets. Moonlight through the blinds threw stripes across the room, illuminating scattered clothing and sleepy faces. Kim raised her hand and held it in the shaft of light, examining the sparkle of the gold-set solitaire. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
She giggled. “This is crazy.”
“Sometimes you’ve gotta walk on the wild side.”
“When should we do it?”
“Hm—I thought we just did.”
She socked him in the arm as he laughed. “You nitwit. When should we get married?”
He held her close, nuzzling her shoulder. “I dunno—July?”
“Like, next year?”
“No, next month.”
She sat up. “Are you nuts? We can’t plan a wedding in a month!”
“C’mon—Fourth of July, fireworks on our anniversary every year. It would be a blast!”
“It’ll be just as big a blast next year as this year. Between our work schedules and my time at Club, there is no way we could do everything in a month. Let’s say next year, Fourth of July, a huge barbecue somewhere afterwards where we can watch the fireworks. Maybe Whitmore Lake or something like that.” She hunkered back down and giggled again. “I can’t believe we’re engaged.”
He rolled over, propping himself up on an elbow. “So tell me something about you I don’t already know.”
She sighed. “Well, I’m afraid of ants.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Ants? For real?”
“Yes. Hate them, hate them, hate them. They scare the crap out of me.”
“Why is that?”
“Well, when I was little, in my first placement, my foster mom was watching some horror movie with giant ants in it, and then later that week we had ants in the kitchen and I thought they’d get all big like the ones on the TV. And then that night I had a nightmare that I was cleaning the kitchen and the ants were everywhere, and they got into my rubber gloves and started eating my hands.”
Rick laughed and swore. “Yeah, I can see how that would give you a phobia. What do you do when you’re outside and see them on the sidewalk?”
“I step on them. It’s not so bad outside, but if I find one in the house—panic city.”
“I’ll remember that. No ants in the house.”
She laughed. “Thank you. Now your turn.”
“Alright, let me think. Oh, here we go: when I was fifteen I ran away from home for a weekend.”
She laughed. “Just the weekend?”
“Well, it was supposed to be for longer than that but my hiding place was found.”
“What was your hiding place?”
“The library.”
Kim shook her head. “I don’t believe it.”
“No, it’s true. There was this one meeting room that had a little storage closet, and hardly anyone ever used the room. So I hid in the closet at night until two hours after closing—I didn’t know how late the staff stayed—and then I went to the staff room and ate some of the snack food they had down there, and then I went to sleep back in the meeting room.”
“So how did they catch you?”
His smile was sheepish. “I forgot the library didn’t open on Sundays until noon, and I waltzed out of the room at ten-thirty. Some of the staff was there to do work before opening the place.”
Kim cracked up, then threw her arms around him. “You poor thin
g! Great plan, though. I wonder how long you could have gotten away with it.”
He settled onto his back, hands under his head. “I was only going to stay there for a few days, while I researched where I wanted to go. I was going to hitchhike to wherever it was I decided on.”
“Hitchhike in this day and age? It’s a good thing you got caught, then.” She settled down beside him, staring at the ceiling. Everything felt surreal. She’d never been so close to someone, never felt so vulnerable and protected all at once. A shiver in her soul told her it was too good to be true, and she focused all her will on quelling the familiar anxiety that was threatening to erupt. She couldn’t cut herself, not right now, not here. She still had to sort out where to keep the knife and bandages, what Rick’s work schedule was, when she was safe to do it.
Her voice was barely a whisper. “Do you have any secrets that eat you up inside?”
She’d thought maybe he’d fallen asleep, his response was so long in coming. “Yes.”
“Do you ever wish you could tell someone who you knew wouldn’t care? Or at least wouldn’t…tell anyone else?”
He rolled to his side and slipped one of his arms across her waist. “All the time.”
She forced a small smile. “Wanna trade?”
He cleared his throat, waited a moment, then said, “The reason I ran away from home was because I tried to kill my father. But it didn’t work.”
She remembered all the stories he had told her about his father—the beatings, the rage, the drinking. “Oh, Rick. What happened?”
“I just reached the end of my rope, you know? He was passed out drunk one night—or at least, I thought he was. I spilled some vodka on the floor, then lit one of his cigars and a napkin and dropped them on the puddle so it would look like he’d fallen asleep smoking. Not the most efficient or foolproof method, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually do something to him, like stab him, despite the fact that I’d been dreaming about it for years.”
“The police didn’t suspect you? He didn’t suspect you?”
“Well, I had this friend who knew everything my dad did, and his parents knew, too, but I begged them not to report him because I didn’t want to go back into foster care. I went to my friend’s house and they let me hide out there. They covered for me, said I’d been there since dinner. But the smoke woke him up; his clothes got singed a bit, and he got a few burns on his hand, but that’s it. He didn’t report me because he was never really sure it wasn’t his fault. Plus, he knew if he said anything to the police, I’d just tell them what he did to me, and he’d get arrested too.” He shifted, rested his chin on her shoulder. “He beat me within an inch of my life, and that’s when I ran away.”
The Weight of Shadows Page 9