“This was beeping when I came in,” Rick said, his tone accusing. “The roast is charred. You ruined it.”
Kim shook her head. “No, it shouldn’t be too bad. It was due out at five, and it’s just a few minutes past. It’s probably just the outside that’s blackened. We can cut it off and it’ll be fine.”
Rick yanked off his jacket and threw it over the back of the sofa. “Why is she crying now? What did you do to her?”
“Me? I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why she’s so upset. She’s been great the last couple days.”
“Right, so you did something. What was it? Did you forget her too? Leave her in the crib too long? Forget her in the bathtub?”
Kim’s lip quivered. “Of course not! I don’t know what’s wrong with her!”
Rick ran a hand through his hair. “You know, I work hard all day and when I get home, the last thing I want to deal with is a kitchen fire and a screaming baby.”
“Well I’m sorry, I’m doing the best that I can.”
“Well if you can’t handle it maybe we need to change something.”
“Like what? What can we do differently?”
Rick took the baby from Kim. For a blind moment hope surged through her again. He’s going to help with the baby!
Then she saw the fire in his eyes.
“Shut up!” he yelled into Anne’s face. The baby’s screams escalated. “Shut up!” He shook her, then yelled again. “I said shut up!”
“No, stop!” Kim screamed and grabbed for the baby, but Rick dodged her and gave Anne another shake. Kim grasped Anne and tried to steady her in Rick’s arms, and then, desperate, kicked Rick in the groin. Her aim was off, but close enough to make him groan and stagger back, releasing Anne in the process. Kim snatched her and ran for the nursery. She slammed the door closed with her foot, but Rick threw it open before she could lock it. She fell to the floor, curled around the baby, shielding her as best she could from what she knew would come next. Rick shouted a string of obscenities at Kim as his fists sought to break her. When the blows stopped falling and Rick’s muttering faded into the living room, she unfolded herself and dragged herself to the door. She nudged it shut, then crawled back to Anne who lay wailing on the floor. She saw no bruises on the baby, no evidence that Rick’s punches had broken through the armor she had tried to create with her arms and body. Ignoring the throbbing pain of her own injuries, Kim held Anne to her breast and encouraged her in a shaking voice to eat. Eventually she calmed enough to latch, and Kim huddled in the corner while Anne nursed, shushing and singing shakily as the adrenaline settled out of her system.
She had never suspected Rick would ever take his anger out on Anne. Anne had no sins to make amends for, no penance to pay. Kim was the one who deserved the blows, not this innocent child. How could Rick do that to his own flesh and blood?
She thought back to when she was pregnant, and Rick had beat her so badly she’d gone into labor. That night, alone in the hospital, she had decided to leave him for the sake of her baby, but he had charmed her with the nursery and she had chosen to stay. Why? Why had she decided to risk the life of her baby?
The face that haunted her dreams surfaced again in her memory. γou know why you stayed. γou had to. γou owe a debt you don’t know how to pay any other way. The guilt was killing you—what will you do without the punishment you deserve?
Kim stared down at the tiny person in her arms and knew she had a sacrifice to make. What was more important—her own selfish need for a way to make things right with the universe, or the life of her daughter? Could she possibly survive with the blood of yet another innocent person on her hands?
“No,” she whispered. “Nothing is more important than keeping you safe. I’m your mother. I have to protect you, no matter what I have to sacrifice.” She clutched Anne tighter to her breast and vowed to herself it was over.
Tomorrow. She would leave tomorrow.
KIM WAITED UNTIL RICK HAD BEEN GONE for twenty minutes the next morning before she set herself into action. She grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and shoved in some clothes for herself and the baby. Into her purse she put her social security card and birth certificate. Then she scoured the house for money, managing to scrape up a little over six dollars in bills and coins, which she placed in her wallet.
Next she packed the baby’s diaper bag with the essentials and glanced over at Anne, silent in her crib. She still didn’t know what Rick’s attack could have caused, but she knew if she started thinking too much about it she’d get sucked into a vortex of worry that would hinder her from doing what she needed to do.
She brought the bags to the front door, then threw together a quick lunch. She was starting to get antsy, so she ran into the nursery and put three layers of clothes on the baby, then packed her into the stroller with blankets on and around her. The diaper bag slid into the storage section beneath it. The duffel was too big, so she draped the shoulder strap over the stroller’s handlebar, then pushed the stroller to the front door, pulled on her coat, opened the door, and stalked out.
But…what if…
Her heart was racing but her feet wouldn’t move. “Just go,” she said aloud. “Just go.” Anne began to whimper again, and her pitiful voice was the catalyst Kim needed to finally take a step into the hall, then another, then another. She paused in front of Joshua’s unit, debating. It’s the middle of the week. He wouldn’t be home. Just in case, she fired a couple quick knocks on the door, but as she suspected, no one was there. “Here we go then,” she said under her breath as she pushed the stroller out the security door.
It was then that she realized she had no idea where to go. Her mind raced. She was desperate to start moving, but in which direction?
A cluster of faces popped into her mind: Bette, Suzie, Emma, Rumiko. Their offers to stay with them rang out in her memory, and she shoved the stroller onto the sidewalk and pointed it towards the salon.
In most places the sidewalk was shoveled, but there were some spots where the snow was still two and three inches thick. She rammed the stroller through the mini drifts, her feet becoming more numb with each step, eyes focused on the area ahead where the walkway was clear. Bus after bus roared past, but knowing how little money she had she couldn’t bring herself to spend it on a ride. At least Anne wasn’t crying.
The walk that once took her half an hour took more than twice that long, and when she reached the salon her whole body felt like it was going to fall apart. She hadn’t walked this far in months, and she still had not completely healed from Anne’s birth. She stood outside the salon for a minute to compose herself and calm her rattled nerves, and then she pushed open the door and went inside.
It took Bette a moment before she cried, “Kim!” and bounded out from behind the reception desk. She wrapped her arms around Kim’s neck and hugged her like a long-lost sister. “I can’t believe you’re here! And look—the baby!” She pulled Kim to a chair. “Sit down. You look done in. Did you walk all the way here?”
Kim swallowed back the lump that rose in her throat. “Yeah, I did—need the exercise, and it looked like such a pretty day.”
Bette laughed. “You’re insane. It’s got to be close to thirty degrees.” She bent to coo at Anne. “Can I hold her? What’s her name?”
Kim unearthed the baby from the pile of blankets. “This is Anne Shirley,” she said as she handed her to Bette.
“Like the book!”
“That’s right.”
“She’s gorgeous. Look at those eyes.” Bette carried her back to the station area. “Girls, look, it’s Kim and her baby!”
A chorus of squeals rose above the music that played on the store-wide speakers. Kim’s heart melted at the sound. How had she stayed away from her friends for so long? When was the last time anyone had shown this much pleasure at her presence?
Rumiko trotted out and gave Kim a quick hug. “I’ve got a client, but I’m done in twenty and we can chat then. How you doing?”
&n
bsp; “I’m good, thanks. A little worn out from the walk. I think I overestimated my abilities.”
“When was she born?” Bette called back to Kim.
“The eighteenth.”
Rumiko’s eyes grew wide. “That’s barely a month and you’re out running around! Girl, you nuts.” She gave her another squeeze before going back to her station. Suzie and Emma came out to give her hugs as well, then went back to their clients with promises to come hang out as soon as they could.
“How long can you stay?” Bette asked as she handed Anne back to Kim. “Oh, and she bit my chest so I think she’s maybe hungry.”
Kim chuckled and pulled a blanket from the stack in the stroller. “Yes, I’m sure she is.” Flinging it over her shoulder and tucking Anne under her shirt to eat, Kim asked, “So how is everyone doing here? How are things? What have I missed?”
Bette sat down in the desk chair and settled her chin into her upturned hands. “Oh, let’s see. They raised the rent for the stations and everyone went ballistic. But no one stepped up to organize everyone the way you did when they tried to impose tip-splitting, so…” She shrugged. “Anyway, let’s see, what else…” She filled Kim in on all the new gossip, and while she spoke Kim felt herself getting more anxious inside. She hadn’t thought at all about what she’d say to these women, how she would ask for help, and now that the opportunity to do it was here, she wasn’t sure she could bring herself to admit what was going on in her life. They’d all take it the wrong way, which is why she’d never said anything to them in the first place, back when it all began. And yet, how could she ask for help, for a place to crash until she figured out what to do, without explaining why?
Emma and Rumiko came to the front to eat lunch with Bette and Kim when their clients left. Emma flashed her engagement ring for Kim to admire, and they talked wedding plans for a while. Kim hadn’t touched her wedding materials in months, but made sure she didn’t give them the impression that things had been called off, since technically they hadn’t. But now she wasn’t sure what she would do about marrying Rick. How could she when the baby would be at risk?
So many things to think about, and all of them turned upside down by Rick’s attack on the baby. How would she get things right again?
Through their conversation Kim began to weed out the people she could ask for help. Emma was trying to find someone to sublet her apartment so she could move in with her fiancé, so she was out. Bette was staying with her mom whose health was failing, so she was out, too. Rumiko already had more roommates than the lease technically allowed, so even if she invited Kim to stay with her, Kim wouldn’t want to run the risk of getting either of them in trouble.
Suzie joined them just as Emma and Rumiko were going back to their stations with new clients. Kim, Bette, and Suzie chatted for a while, though the whole time Kim was only half into the conversation. As far as she could tell Suzie might be able to spare some space for her and Anne—Kim just had to figure out how to ask.
“So…you’re still living in that place near the park?” Kim fished.
“Yeah—for now.”
“Planning on moving?”
Suzie glanced at Bette and said through a half-smile, “Well, yeah, actually. To LA.”
“What?” Kim’s and Bette’s voices rang out together.
“My cousin got in at one of the hottest salons in the city, and he said he’d hire me as his assistant if I wanted. He said he’d train me.”
“Wow,” Kim said with a sigh. “That’s an incredible opportunity. You’re right to go.”
“Yeah—we’ll be seeing you in US Weekly someday. ‘Stylist to the stars!’ ”
Suzie laughed. “Not likely. But who knows, right? That’s why I’ve got to go for it. My parents are helping foot the bill to get out there, though I have no idea where I’m going to stay.”
“Your cousin won’t let you crash there?”
“Eh, he would if I wanted, but I don’t want to impose. He’s already doing me an incredible favor. But heck, I’ll sleep under a bridge for this.”
That makes two of us. Kim felt panic beginning to set in. She glanced at the clock and saw it was already almost one. She had four hours to get home if she was going to give this up, and if not, she had four hours to find somewhere else to go, since Rick would certainly come looking for her here.
The urge to be home squeezed in on her so tightly she felt like she would suffocate. “Well, I should get going,” she said, trying to sound casual and not as tense as she felt. “It’s a treacherous walk home—half the sidewalks are still snowy—and I’m tired. This is the most I’ve done in a long time.”
She got hugs from everyone and tucked Anne into the stroller. Despite how much she ached, she walked even faster than she had on the way to the salon, and when she got home and saw Rick’s parking spot was empty, she almost sobbed with relief.
She had just taken Anne out of the stroller when the front door opened. “There you are!” Rick slammed the door shut. “Where have you been all morning? I’ve called here three times.”
“At the salon. I took Anne over to see my friends.” The simplicity of the truth felt good after all the half-truths and dodging she’d employed in her conversations that morning.
His eyes slid to the duffel hanging from the stroller. “What’s in there?”
Her blood turned to ice. “It’s just…a change of clothes. For myself. In case Anne spit up on me or something.”
“Looks awfully full for one change of clothes.”
“I brought some for Anne too.”
“Isn’t that what the diaper bag is for?”
“It was full with other stuff—the diapers, wipes—”
His eyes narrowed. “Let me see.”
“Let me go put Anne down first.” She almost ran to the nursery, then kissed Anne and hugged her before lying her in the crib. “I love you, sweetheart. Don’t worry, Mama will be alright.”
She shut the door, her heart breaking when Anne began to cry. It doesn’t last forever. It’s what you deserve, Kim. γou have no one to blame but yourself. The broken record played in her mind as she faced Rick, who was holding the open duffel.
“You whore.” He dropped the bag. “Who did you meet?”
“What?”
“Who is he? Where is he?”
“There’s no other man, Rick, I swear. I went to the salon—call them and ask!”
“With two changes of clothes?” His hand flew, catching her near her eye. “How could you think I’d just let you go?” His fist made contact with her jaw. “I own you, Kim. You are mine. No one else can have you. No one else would even want you.”
He swept her legs out from under her with one hard kick. She collapsed to the floor with a shriek, then bent double and folded her arms around her head. He sank to his knees beside her and planted bruises over her arms and back. She had no control over the cries that came out of her mouth, and in her head the mantra kept playing. It doesn’t last forever. It’s what you deserve. γou have no one to blame but yourself.
The punches ceased, and for a brief second she thought it was over. But then he grabbed her hair and yanked her face to his. His voice was oddly calm when he spoke. “If you try to leave me again, I’ll go to the police. I’ll tell them what you did. They’ll take you to jail and you’ll never see Anne again.”
He shoved her face away and stood, cursing as he walked to the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. She heard the shower start and only then did her body began to relax.
She rolled to her hands and knees, gasping in pain, and limped into the nursery where Anne was wailing red-faced in the crib. Kim fell to her knees beside the crib and reached a hand between the bars, resting it on her daughter’s face. Her shoulders began to shake. She wept—from pain, from fear, from anger. And the mantra was replaced by the little voice that grew stronger every day, asking when her debt would be repaid.
NINETEEN
Joshua closed the accounting program and pushed hi
s chair back from the desk. “So I think if we can get one more good fund-raising return by June we’ll be in good shape.”
“Great—I’ll get that letter out this week, then, and we’ll all pray it pays off. Anything else?”
He pulled two envelopes out of his inbox. “These need your review, and I’ve heard great things about Chin’s Restaurant downtown. Want to join me Friday for dinner?”
Debbie laughed. “Wow. Incorrigible.”
“I know.”
“You know what I like about you, Joshua? You don’t ask with an attitude, like you just can’t imagine a woman would ever say no to you.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with ‘no,’ ” he said with a grin.
“Yeah, you have. And yet you continue to ask.”
“Well, incorrigible is my middle name and I’d hate not to live up to it.”
Debbie hung her head and groaned. “Alright, look. If I go out with you, will you stop asking?”
Joshua thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yes. If you go out to dinner with me, I promise I will stop asking.”
She narrowed her eyes at him but couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “Fine. You win. I give up. What time?”
“Seven?”
“Okay. Let me give you my address.”
He could hardly believe she’d said yes. After she left his office he started working again, but his mind kept leaping ahead to Friday night. He’d ask Carlotta down the hall if she could watch Maddie for awhile—Maddie had a great time with her kids—and he’d pick up flowers on the way to Debbie’s house…
…and she’d tell him she appreciated the dinner, but that she had to leave it at that. She just wasn’t ready to be in another relationship right now.
Debbie was staring at her overflowing email inbox, but she couldn’t concentrate enough to go through the messages. Her mind kept jumping ahead to Friday night—what she would wear, whether or not she’d invite him in for a predinner drink, how she would tell him that she wasn’t interested in a relationship right now. Because if she didn’t write the script before Friday, she’d end up saying yes to anything he asked.
The Weight of Shadows Page 24