But she couldn’t risk her daughter. If Kim were to be jailed—which she would be once Rick went to the police with her secret—Rick would have no qualms about giving Anne up. The thought of her child growing up in the foster system made Kim sick to her stomach.
But now Rick was bringing up the wedding again, reminding her of their original plan to marry in two months on the Fourth of July. She knew now she didn’t want to go through with it, but what else could she do? She had no choice.
It’s your own fault. It’s what you deserve. γou have only yourself to blame.
RICK CAME HOME ONE NIGHT in early May carrying a large cardboard box and wearing the foulest face she’d seen yet. Without a word, he disappeared into the bedroom and slammed the door. Breathing a sign of relief that she’d gotten dinner prepared on time, she strapped Anne into a bouncy seat and poured him a beer so it was ready for him when he emerged. Then she began a survey of the kitchen and living room, eyes peeled for anything that might set him off even more: dirty dishes, spills, laundry she meant to fold, mail waiting to be sorted. She walked the rooms, straightening every piece of furniture and tidying every surface, until the door opened and Rick came out.
“Hi sweetheart.” She brought over the beer and set it on the end table next to the couch where he sat down. “Rough day?”
He picked up the beer and guzzled down half the glass. When he spoke, his voice seemed an octave lower. “I got laid off.”
It took a moment for the implications of this to set in, but once she realized her eight hours of freedom were gone, she had to slowbreathe herself away from the edge of panic. “Oh, honey,” she said, reaching a cautious hand out to rest on his arm. “Rick, I’m so sorry.”
It was like standing six inches from a land mine and waiting to see what it did. She never took her eyes off him, never let her guard down. She went to the kitchen and fiddled needlessly with dinner, then came back and pulled a chair from the table towards the couch, as far from the baby as she could get, just in case.
Rick stared at the television as though no one else were there. Kim sat still in the chair and willed the baby to stay quiet in her seat, and save for the occasional coo, she did. When the timer went off for dinner, she prepared a plate for each of them and brought his to the couch. “Would you like to eat there tonight?”
He took the plate without responding. She refilled his beer and sat at the table with her dinner, but she could barely stomach the food. He had to snap eventually. It was just a matter of when.
For the next hour she danced around him, summoning every bit of couples’ clairvoyance they had developed to anticipate his needs and keep him from unraveling. But awaiting the inevitable became too stressful. She couldn’t keep his anger at bay forever, so she might as well get it over with. She stopped refilling his drink. She made a little more noise than necessary as she cleaned the kitchen from dinner. She blocked his view of the television as she walked through the living room. But it wasn’t until she began to hum to herself that she got any results.
“Shut up, will you? What’s with you tonight?”
“Sorry.”
“You don’t seem very concerned.”
“About your job? You’ll find something else, Rick, you’re a great artist.”
“But what if I don’t? We’ve got bills, we need food—or were you planning on leaving before it became a problem for you?”
“Rick, I told you I wasn’t going to leave. Where would I go?”
He stood and she felt her muscles tense in preparation. She fought the reflex to run. “To whoever you were going to the first time.”
She sighed, weary of this argument already. How often was he going to drag it out? “There isn’t anyone else, Rick.”
“Sure.” He began to close the distance between them. “You were just going to head out there with the baby and hope that some kind stranger took you in, is that it?”
“No, I was going to ask one of the girls.”
They froze. To hear the words slip out of her mouth startled them both. “I didn’t mean ask them to ‘take me in’—I meant—”
“I knew it. I knew it.”
He was inches from her now, and the look was there in his eyes that meant she was in for it. She braced herself. “Please, Rick, it was a mistake—”
His hands shot out to her throat. She backed away, trying to escape the pressure on her voicebox, only to find her back against the wall. She clawed at his arms as he pressed his thumbs harder. “You’ll never make that mistake again. Do you hear me? I won’t give you the chance.”
There was no air. She tried to kick but couldn’t, tried to shove him back but had no strength. The edges of her vision began to go black; her chest felt like it would burst. Then Anne began to wail.
A different expression flickered across Rick’s face. He blinked, then stepped back and pulled his hands from her throat and stared at them as though seeing them anew. Kim collapsed to the floor wheezing and gasping, tears running down her face. Rick spun on his heels and disappeared into the bedroom as he always did after an attack. When Kim’s vision cleared, she looked over to the baby and saw her sitting content in her seat, gazing at the mobile above her, silent.
Kim crawled across the room to the baby and unlatched the bouncer seat belt with shaking hands. She rose slowly to her feet, and once her balance was established, picked up the baby and carried her to the nursery, her own post-attack recovery room. Door locked behind her, she curled up on the desk chair and sucked in deep breath after deep breath, trying to stop the shivering that shook her whole body.
In the past, the beatings had been brutal but far short of deadly. But tonight, something had changed. She didn’t know what, but she knew she was living with a new threat, and it was beyond what she had ever thought she’d experience. He hadn’t wanted to control her, or punish her, or even scare her. He’d wanted to kill her.
She rocked the baby on her lap and let the voice she usually tried to ignore finally speak. It convinced her that the time had come to not only protect the baby, but to protect herself as well. The rules of the game had changed, and she was justified in bailing before she found herself on a losing streak. She didn’t have much to gamble with in the first place—it wouldn’t take long for Rick to clean her out.
The plan began to form. She’d learned her lesson the first time—no more deciding at the last minute, no more leaving without guaranteed help. She had to know where she was going and how she was going to get there, and she had to travel light. And now that her opportunities would be even more limited, she had to be ready at a moment’s notice to grab her necessities and go.
But when? And how? And who? There were still too many variables for her to feel safe.
She heard voices on the other side of the wall—Joshua and Maddie. She scooted her chair to the wall and pressed her ear to it, straining to hear. Joshua began to sing, and Kim’s eyes began to tear at the words that seemed to grow clearer with each line.
“Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me…”
Maddie’s tuneless voice joined with her father’s as they sang the repetitive last line, and Kim longed to break through the wall and ask them to sing the song again. She knew vaguely of Jesus from the first foster family that had wanted to adopt her, and from the few holidays she’d gone to church with the O’Rileys, but her body of knowledge was meager. The idea of Jesus being strong for the weak sounded very appealing.
Joshua began to talk, and again Kim concentrated all her efforts on picking up the words. “Help us to…Father…our health and blessings…happy dreams…Amen.” A prayer. She’d never heard anyone pray outside of church or meal blessings before.
Kim leaned back in her chair and stared out the window to the darkening sky. I guess it can’t hurt to ask. She cleared her throat, fixed her gaze on the crescent moon, and whispered, “Jesus, I need help. If you’re there, can you get
Anne and me out of here?” She paused, considering what else to say, then settled on the “Amen” that had sufficed for Joshua.
She kissed Anne’s smooth cheek and nestled the sleeping baby closer. Eyes still locked on the sky, her mind chanted help us, please, help us, please, as her soul took a chance on hope.
JOSHUA WAS HALFWAY TO THE SHELTER when he remembered what he’d left at home. He could picture right where it was too—he’d be in and out in less than a minute and only a little bit late to the staff meeting. Groaning at his mistake, he turned at the next light and began the five-minute drive back.
He pulled into the parking lot and into his space. His eye was drawn to Rick’s car, which was usually gone by the time he left in the morning. Maybe he’s sick. He tried not to delight too much at the thought of Rick miserable with the nasty stomach flu that had been going around.
Joshua quickly entered the building, then his apartment, and yes, sitting on the kitchen counter was the book he’d bought for Debbie. He was about to pick it up when he heard a door in the hallway slam. He ran to the bedroom and snuck a peek around the corner of the patio wall. Rick was getting into his car.
He’s leaving. I’m here, and he’s leaving. This is it!
He watched the car pull out of its spot and cruise down the parking lot to the driveway, then turn onto the street. He was torn—wait a few minutes in case he came right back, or go to Kim now?
The urge to get to Kim was so strong his feet started moving to the door before he’d even consciously made the decision. He grabbed his book on the way out, locked his door behind him, and went next door. Let her be here and let me get her out of here before he comes back, God. He knocked, the sound echoing the pounding of his own heart, and felt his hands grow damp. He couldn’t help looking back at the security door, then doing it again. Then again.
The door opened and Joshua gasped. Two purple-blue circles decorated her throat, and their cause was immediately clear to him. I think we’re just in time, God.
Kim’s hand flew to her throat and she blushed. “Hi, Joshua. Everything alright?”
It took him a moment to find his voice, and once he did, he didn’t bother with niceties. “I work at a women’s shelter, and if you want, I can take you and the baby right now.”
Her eyes grew wide and seemed to light from within. “Yes. Yes!” She grabbed his arm and pulled him inside, then shut the door and locked it behind them. “The baby is in the crib. Can you get her?” She pointed to the room that sat on the other side of the wall from his bedroom. No wonder I always hear her when she cries. Without a word, he made a dash for the nursery and lifted the swaddled, napping child from her crib. She squirmed and began to cry. “Hey, it’s okay sweetie, we’re just going for a ride.”
Going for a ride. “Oh no,” Joshua said. Cradling the baby, he ran back out to the living room where Kim was holding her purse and a bulging plastic shopping bag. “Car seat. Is it in Rick’s car?”
Kim gasped and nodded. “Now what?”
“Now we break the law and drive very carefully. Do you have everything you need?”
She nodded and reached out for the baby, then hugged her close. “This is it, baby girl.” She grabbed a set of keys and followed Joshua out the door, locking it behind her.
Joshua went out the security door first, checking to make sure Rick had not come back. “I don’t know how long he’ll be gone,” Kim said. “He lost his job, he said he was going out, but he didn’t say where or when he’d be back.”
“He turned right out of the parking lot,” Joshua said as he helped Kim into the car. “We’ll go left, just to be safe, and take a roundabout way to the shelter.” He held the baby while Kim buckled the seat belt, then handed her the baby. “You see any cops, you make sure you put the baby low on your lap,” he said as he got in. “I’d like to think they’d be understanding, but let’s not take any chances.”
He pulled out of his space and began to drive, his heart still thumping like mad as he threw exclamations up to God. Safe! Hurry! Protection! Help! Please!
Kim glanced over at Joshua. “I can’t believe you came today. I—I prayed last night that Jesus would help us.”
Thanks for the nudge, God. Joshua grinned and gave her arm a squeeze. “About ten more minutes and we’ll be there.”
“Can you tell me about the shelter?”
“Sure.” He told her about the staff and the facility as they wound their way down residential side streets. Both sucked in a panicked breath every time a silver hatchback came into view, but soon they pulled into the parking lot behind the building and he helped her out of the car.
By unspoken agreement they both ran to the building, where Joshua swiped his key card and pulled the door shut behind them. They stood in the vestibule, panting from nerves. Then he smiled. “Welcome to Safe in His Arms.”
Kim’s eyes shone. “Thank you.” Then she began to cry.
SHAWNEE POKED HER HEAD INTO the room where the staff meeting was under way. “Debbie? Joshua just got here, and he brought a woman with him who wants to stay here. She has a baby too.”
Debbie knew immediately who she was. “Get her comfortable and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
She ran through the meeting’s agenda with as much speed as she could, then went out to the green room where Kim sat with her baby. Debbie reached out a hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said to Kim. “Joshua’s been talking about you since I met him. Is there anything I can get you—more water, something else to eat?”
“No, I’m fine, thank you.”
Debbie noted the bruises on Kim’s throat and thanked God for good timing. She couldn’t wait to hear Joshua’s side of the story.
She sat down and slid the intake forms across the table to Kim, then offered to hold Anne.
Kim smiled and lifted the squirming baby over the table. “Thank you. I can’t believe I’m here. I was so scared. I still am. I know what he’s going to do when he finds out I’m gone.”
“It can take awhile to stop looking over your shoulder.” Debbie saw the look of panic that crossed Kim’s face. She’d seen it before, many times. “He can’t hurt you here.”
“He doesn’t have to be here to do it.”
Debbie looked on as Kim continued the paperwork. She wouldn’t press Kim now to go into her story. She needed to give her time to get settled in, give her a chance to get to know the other women and the staff so she felt safe discussing her situation. When Kim handed her the completed papers, Debbie returned Anne to her mother’s lap and opened the welcome folder, explaining the house rules and how things worked. “We don’t get a lot of moms with little ones here, but when we do everyone is very eager to help with the baby, so don’t hesitate to ask if you want someone to take her for a bit.”
Kim clutched Anne against her. “But I can keep her with me, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
Kim sighed. “Okay, good.”
Debbie showed Kim around the shelter. “Since you have a baby with you, you get one of the single rooms. I’ll get some diapers and wipes for you too. Is there someone who can go back to your house and get you and the baby some clothes?”
Kim frowned. “Not really. Unless Joshua wants to.”
“I’ll ask him when I see him next. Is there anything else you can think of that you’ll need?”
Kim shook her head, lips pressed together as tears began to well in her eyes. “Forgive me,” she said as she wiped them away.
Debbie smiled and squeezed her arm. “Don’t apologize. It’s a completely normal reaction. You’ve been under a lot of stress, and even though it’s safe here, it’s still stressful, just in a different way. I understand—everyone here does. Take whatever time you need and then you can come out to the community room when you’re ready to mingle. Joshua’s office is on the second floor, and if you want to go talk to him you’re more than welcome to. My office is at the opposite end of the building, past the counseling rooms, and you’re w
elcome to come see me anytime as well. Your counselor will be Tammy, though she’s out this week, so I’ll meet with you until she’s back.”
She left Kim in the room and went back to her office, a stubborn smile tugging at her lips. It wasn’t until she was safe in the privacy of her office that she let herself do a little victory dance. Not because Kim was finally at the shelter—though that did make her happy, but because Joshua had taken the chance, had put himself out there for Kim, and as far as Debbie was concerned, had proven himself to be not just another wuss of a guy.
They hadn’t gone out again since their dinner last month, but it had taken all the self-control she could muster not to extend her own invitation to him. She hadn’t let on about how much she enjoyed herself—far more than she had on any date she’d been on in a long time. She hadn’t told him how long she kept the tulips, and that she had actually saved a few of the silky petals after they’d fallen off and pressed them between the pages of her Bible. She’d been waiting for confirmation that he was going to be the man he said he was.
And here it was.
She jogged up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and found Joshua in his office. “How is she doing?” he asked before she could say a word.
“She’s good. Shell-shocked, I think, but good. I’ll check up on her in an hour or so, see how she’s settling in. I told her your office was up here in case she wanted to talk to you.”
“Great, thanks. Now we just need to pray Rick slinks back to his hole somewhere and disappears.”
“Amen. Hey, what’s on your calendar Friday?”
He flipped open his date book and scanned the page. “Phone call with the tax guy I was telling you about, at two-thirty. That’s it, though.”
The Weight of Shadows Page 26