by Amy Reece
Gabby returned from putting Bernie’s clothes in the dryer, holding a plate of food. “It’s just a sandwich and chips, but at least you won’t starve.”
“Thanks.” Bernie tried really hard to not wolf the food down, but she was starving. She’d turned her nose up at the cafeteria food at lunch, but she wouldn’t make the same mistake again. If her mom and her disgusting friends were going to be in the living room at all hours, she couldn’t count on getting dinner regularly. Maybe she should start keeping bread and peanut butter in her bedroom for occasions such as this. How long could this awful situation with her mom possibly go on?
Bernie
The bell rang over the front door of the shop while Bernie was in the back gathering the broom and cleaning supplies.
“We’re closing in five minutes—oh, it’s you.” She brushed by Josh grumpily and locked the front door. “What are you doing here?”
“I bought you dinner. And flowers.” He held out a bouquet of bright pink flowers.
She took them, although she was sorely tempted to leave him holding them out awkwardly. He turned and began setting out the dinner he’d brought on the counter. The smells emanating from the bag he’d brought were mouth-watering, but she was still mad and not inclined to forgive him so easily. She set the flowers on the counter and crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes at him.
He ignored her, continuing to set up the meal, complete with tablecloth, candles, and china. He plated the food he’d brought and turned to her with a sheepish half-smile, the kind that turned her knees to gelatin. Ugh! Why did this boy affect her so? She wanted to stay angry with him for the irrational way he’d reacted to her not sitting with him at lunch and the way he’d treated her afterward, but she knew she’d never be able to stay mad.
“I’m really sorry I acted like such a jackass this afternoon. I don’t know what got into me. I had no right to get mad at you for sitting with someone else. Forgive me?”
It was a good apology. She couldn’t remember if anyone had ever taken the time to apologize to her in her entire life. Yeah, he’d acted stupid at school that afternoon, but he’d really pulled out all the stops to make it up to her. She stared at him for a full minute before rolling her eyes and heaving a huge sigh. “Fine. You’re forgiven. I guess we all get to be a jackass every now and then.”
He grinned and led her to the spot he’d set for her. He served her, then himself, and they ate in silence for a few minutes.
“This is delicious, of course. Thanks. And the flowers are beautiful too. What are they? I don’t recognize them.”
“I have no idea!” He laughed. “Drew picked them out. He said they were good for groveling.”
No one had ever cared enough to grovel. She was more than touched. “Who’s Drew?”
“Maurice’s husband.”
She stopped chewing, shocked. “Oh. I had no idea.”
“Do you have a problem with it?” He looked at her warily.
“No, of course not. I’m just surprised. It’s not really up to me to have a problem with it. It’s cool. I just thought maybe he and your mom…”
Josh laughed. “No. Definitely not.”
“Would you have a problem with your mom dating someone, though?” She took another bite of the delicious pasta, reveling in the fact she hadn’t had to stop for fast food on the way home. She had been determined to stay angry and righteous by eating on the way home and storming up to her bedroom. This was so much better. She found she hated being angry with Josh.
“Hmm. I’m not sure. I guess I want her to be happy, but I can’t imagine her with anyone but my dad. Pretty selfish, huh?”
“No. It’s understandable. I know you’ll do what’s best for her. That’s the kind of guy you are. You’re usually so nice, which is why I was caught off guard this afternoon.”
“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I don’t know what got into me. I really don’t like the thought of you hanging out with those two girls.”
“You know why I’m doing it. I need to find out what Gabby was into.” She turned her attention back to her meal for a few moments. “I’d much prefer to sit with you, you know, but Natalia knows something. I’m sure of it.”
His broad grin took her breath away. “Well, as long as you missed me.”
She had to look away from the light of his smile. It was too bright in the dingy secondhand clothing shop. I think I’m love with him. How could I not be?
“Bernie? What’s wrong?” He reached across the counter, covering her hand with his warm palm.
She gulped, sure he could read her feelings on her face. She’d never been a good actor, and she feared he would see her love for him written across her features, in her eyes. She dropped them and cleared her throat. “Nothing. I’m fine.” She pulled her hand from under his and clasped her glass of sparkling mineral water, something she’d never even heard of before the advent of Josh Harris in her life. It served as a stark reminder of just how different they were; she could never let him know how she felt.
He smiled, seeming to understand she wasn’t ready to talk about whatever was bothering her. They finished their meal in companionable silence. She helped him pack the dirty dishes, dragging a bit because she didn’t want the evening to end, yet unable to understand the tenuous status of their relationship.
“So, did you get any info out of Natalia at lunch?”
“Huh?” His question startled her out of her glum reverie. “Oh, um, not really. But she did invite me to a party tomorrow night.”
“Are you going?”
“Probably. Why not? Maybe I’ll find out something else. God, Josh! I feel like I’m spinning my wheels! Someone has to know something, don’t they? Gabby didn’t just vanish! She was murdered and somebody knows what happened!”
“Hey, hey. Come here.” He pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head. “You’re driving yourself crazy. It’s all going to come together, you’ll see. Shh.” She could almost swear he kissed her hair, but that was crazy. Wasn’t it? “Are you going to the party by yourself?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you mind if I tag along?”
She pulled back slightly and looked up into his impossibly handsome face, noticing the blond stubble he’d neglected to shave that morning. “I’d like that. Thanks.”
***
She hadn’t planned on wearing anything special or fussing in any way with her appearance, but that was before Josh insisted on going with her to the party at Natalia’s house. She spent an hour trying on and rejecting multiple outfits before finally deciding on a pair of black leggings, a deep purple tunic she’d bought at the shop the week before, and short, black boots. She never bothered with much makeup, but tonight she added a touch of eyeliner and a bit of sparkly shadow—just a bit. She knew she was being ridiculous—this wasn’t a real date, and Josh had no interest in her pathetic efforts—but a girl had her pride, didn’t she?
He was waiting on the couch, flipping idly through channels on the television, when she finally made her appearance.
“I’m ready to go. Sorry about the wait.”
He flipped off the television and sat up from where he’d been lounging. “No problem. I was just—” He froze, remote in hand, mouth hanging slightly open, and stared at her.
“What’s wrong?” She saw he was looking at her clothes, his eyes moving up and down her body. “Should I change? I didn’t—”
“No!” He straightened, setting the remote on the coffee table without breaking eye contact. “You look great. I didn’t—you look great.”
She smiled hesitantly, unsure of what he had meant to say, but slightly encouraged by the admiring look in his eyes. “Okay. Thanks. Let’s get this over with.”
The party was in full swing by the time they arrived, raucous music blasting from multiple speakers and alcohol freely flowing in various forms. They threaded their way through the crowd, looking for Natalia or Sofia, but neither girl was visible. They finally
found a relatively quiet spot in the kitchen to regroup.
“You want a beer?” Bernie rummaged through the cooler, finding a soda for herself.
“Nah. Soda’s fine, thanks.”
She gave him a surprised look but handed him the can without comment.
“So, what’s the plan?” He took a sip, raising his eyebrows at her over the soda.
“I have no idea.” She shook her head, chuckling ruefully. “I need to converse with people, but I’m spectacularly bad at this small-talk stuff.”
“Well, I seem to excel at it, so I’ll be happy to help. Come on.” He held his hand out to her. “Let’s mingle.”
He guided her through the crowd, stopping to chat with nearly every group, managing to mention Gabby more often than not, eliciting a wide range of responses. Everyone spoke favorably of her, but Bernie wondered how much of it was simply reluctance to speak ill of the dead. She knew Gabby had been fighting with her closest friends and her boyfriend in the weeks leading up to her death; she wondered how many of her other friends she’d alienated as well.
It took nearly an hour to find Natalia and Sofia. They were on the back patio, sitting in a circle of lawn chairs with about six other people.
“Hey, Bernie! Join us.” Natalia waved them over and motioned for more chairs to be brought. They sat, declining the joint that was politely offered, while Sofia introduced Bernie to the rest of the group.
“So, introduce your boyfriend,” Natalia ordered.
“Oh, he’s not—”
“I’m Josh. Nice to meet you all. This is a great party, Natalia. Thanks for inviting us.” He casually draped his arm over the back of Bernie’s chair and took a long drink from his soda.
Bernie watched in wonder as he worked his social magic on the group. He appeared as comfortable here as he had at the party they’d attended last semester. She wondered if he even realized what an incredible gift he possessed; she struggled to make the kind of casual conversation that came so easily to him. And why had he interrupted when she tried to correct Natalia’s assumption? She’d never understand him! She realized she’d been daydreaming when she happened to hear Gabby’s name.
“It’s crazy how they found her body, huh? I heard you guys were really good friends.” Josh was prodding, yet seemed casual and offhand.
“She was our best friend! It’s so awful! I can’t believe she’s gone.” Sofia actually wiped away a tear.
“Wow, best friends. I had no idea.” Josh shook his head. “That really sucks.”
“Yeah, it does.” Natalia stared at Josh, a strange, assessing look on her face.
Bernie watched them as they seemed to size each other up. She wondered who came out ahead and hoped it was Josh. After an awkward silence, Sofia jumped into the conversational gap with some fairly nasty gossip about someone Bernie didn’t know. It made her cringe to imagine what was said about her when she wasn’t around. Josh squeezed her shoulder lightly, and she looked into his eyes, seeing a clear “let’s go” message.
“Do you mind if we leave?” They’d made their way back to the kitchen, and Bernie was frustrated with their lack of success. “This was an epic waste of time.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” He led her out to his truck, arm slung casually over her shoulders.
“But nobody told us anything I didn’t already know,” she objected. The feel of his warm arm across her neck was wreaking havoc with all her senses, and she had to struggle to stay focused. This close, the scent of his aftershave was intoxicating, and she wanted nothing more than to turn her face into his neck and breathe.
“It’s not so much what they said, but what they didn’t say.”
“Meaning?”
“Nobody seems to want to talk about Gabby much. Every time I brought her up, the subject got changed pretty quick.” He opened her door for her as they reached his truck.
“Yeah, I noticed. I feel like they all know something. They know more about what happened than they’re saying.”
“I think you’re right.” He shut her door and jogged around and got in the driver’s seat. “It’s still early. You up for a movie? I could go for some mind-numbing entertainment after that party.”
Although the party had been miserable, she was loath to end the evening with him. She knew better, knew time spent alone with him was likely to make her wish for things she could never have. “Sure. Sounds fun.” She’d always been a glutton for punishment.
He tried to let her choose the movie.
“Nope. It’s your turn. I got to pick last time.”
“But that was at home, so it doesn’t count.”
“Pick a movie, Josh.” She tried to look stern but ended up laughing.
He held up his hands in surrender. “God, you’re bossy. Fine. Just for that, I choose a horror movie.”
She smirked; she loved horror movies. The scarier the better, and she’d been dying to see the one for which Josh was currently purchasing tickets. “Ooh, I hope it’s not too scary.” She tried for an innocent tone.
He narrowed his eyes as he gave her a ticket. “You love horror movies, don’t you?”
She bit her lip, trying not to laugh. “I do.”
He chuckled. “It figures. That’s what I get, huh? I know you love popcorn, so let’s get a big bucket.”
They managed to find seats right behind the rail between the sections so they could put their feet up. Josh pushed the armrest up between them and balanced the giant bucket of popcorn on her lap. Now she was perfectly aware of movie theater date rules: armrest down meant no handholding, friend zone. Armrest up—well, it left a person’s options open. She sternly admonished herself for momentarily entertaining the thought that he had done it because he wanted this to be a real date. Knock it off, Bernie! It’s not like that. He only did it so you can share the popcorn.
Halfway through the movie, she didn’t know what it was like or what to think. Josh had set the now-empty popcorn bucket on the floor at their feet but remained angled toward her. As the plot of the movie escalated and the suspense mounted, Josh clutched her arm tighter. She couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when she realized he was actually clutching her hand, his fingers intertwined with hers. She completely lost the thread of the plot as the warmth from his palm eclipsed rational thought. What did it mean, if anything? He confused her. He seemed to enjoy spending time with her, and he was very physical, touching and hugging her frequently. And what about the kiss? He had kissed her back, she was sure of it! But there was never any follow-up. He never asked her out. Part of her really wanted to call him on it. Part of her was tempted to pull her hand away from his. She did neither. She couldn’t bear to ruin what they had—whatever it was.
***
“Can I come in?” She peeked around Josh’s partially open bedroom door.
“Sure. As long as you can handle the sight of me packing my underwear.” He chuckled and held up a small stack of white briefs before stacking them in the suitcase lying open on his bed.
“I think I can deal with it.” She smiled and tried not to picture him in those briefs. “So, you leave first thing in the morning, huh?” She propped herself at the end of his bed and started folding the pile of clothes beside her.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I don’t mind.” She folded a few of his shirts, mainly the classic rock band t-shirts he tended to favor. “Are you excited about your trip?” He was leaving early the next morning for his week-long culinary camp in San Francisco.
“Yeah, of course. I hope to learn a lot.” He turned to his dresser and grabbed a pile of socks to add to the suitcase.
There was something so intimate about watching him pack his clothing. She watched his face, her stomach clenching as she thought about how much she was going to miss him while he was gone. “I stopped by and looked at the apartment today.” Maurice had promised her a reasonable rental rate on the newly remodeled unit in his triplex.
“And?”
“It’
s gorgeous. Thank you, Josh. I know you’re the reason I’m getting such a great apartment.”
“I only introduced you to Maurice. He’s thrilled to have a quiet, responsible tenant.” He closed the suitcase and set it on the floor. “I’ll help you move in when I get back.”
“Thanks.” She wanted her own place, of course, but his apparent eagerness to get her out of his house was depressing. She wondered if they would drift apart once she moved out. It hurt to think about not being close to him.
“Bernie.” He sat next to her and took her hand. “Be careful while I’m gone.”
He sounded so serious suddenly. She looked up at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”
He dropped her hand, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know.” He stood and began pacing. “It’s crazy, I know. Just please be careful, okay?”
“Of course. I’m always careful.”
He knelt in front of her and placed one hand on her face. “I mean it, Bernie. I need you to promise me.”
She stared into his cobalt-blue eyes, seeing concern and…fear? “What’s going on, Josh?”
“Just promise me.”
“I promise.”
***
Bernie had taken Saturday morning off so she could go with Claire to the airport to say good-bye to Josh. It was silly and probably tipped her hand about how she felt about him, but heck, the kiss she’d plastered on him had done that. She was going to miss him and wanted to see him off, so she did. She was glad she had as she watched Claire hug her son tearfully before he went through security.
“Mom.” Josh’s voice was strained as he held his mother tightly. “You’re going to be okay, aren’t you? I’ll only be gone for a week.”
“Of course I will.” She pulled back slightly and laughed a bit. “I’m being ridiculous.”
Bernie’s throat tightened as she realized this was the first time they’d been apart since Caleb and Josh’s dad had died. Why does love have to hurt so much sometimes?