by Tess Woods
‘Are you sure you want to keep this from him?’
‘He’s just about to leave. His flight’s booked. It’s too late.’ Her heart hurt.
‘Do you honestly think he’d leave if you told him?’
‘Of course he wouldn’t. And that’s why I’m not telling him.’
Jess sat there some more, then asked, ‘Do you think it’s fair that he leaves without knowing? Without the chance to decide for himself?’
‘Well, obviously you think it isn’t fair.’
‘I’m asking you, not saying what I think. What I think isn’t important here.’
‘I can’t tell him. He’s been such a mess lately. I can’t have him around my child the way he is.’
‘He loves you. He might change if he knew you were having a baby.’
‘He’ll never change, Mum.’
The front door creaked open and her dad walked in carrying what looked like twenty cans of Coke in a carton, a large packet of crisps and a pile of magazines. ‘If you’re anything like your mum was, you’ll want chips to soak up that Coke.’ He gave her a wink. ‘And I got you all the latest magazines to take your mind off things. Look, it says here your man Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married in secret off the coast of Italy. We can’t have you falling behind on that just because you’re expecting, can we?’
Jamie couldn’t have adored him any more in that moment if she’d tried.
She tucked into the salt and vinegar crisps, knowing they’d probably make her sick in an hour, but not caring.
***
Jamie sat on the bed in the corner of her old room. Her mother had turned it into a weaving room and it was now stocked full of bottles of natural dyes and multicoloured fabrics. Spools of thread lined the shelves along the walls.
There was a knock on the door and her father entered. He sat on the edge of her bed. ‘I was wondering if you’re going to share the news soon with the rest of the family, or is it still a secret?’
‘You can tell them. But don’t tell them who the father is. I don’t want anyone to know.’
He gave her a pointed look and said nothing.
‘Dad, they can’t know. If I’m not telling him yet, I can’t risk it getting out.’
He sighed. ‘What are we supposed to say then?’
‘Tell them I had a drunken one-night stand on the rebound, that I never got the man’s name or details and that he was well gone by the time I woke up the next morning.’
He snorted. ‘Do you think for one moment anyone would believe that? You may as well say you were impregnated after an alien abduction!’
‘Please, it’s what I want.’ She locked eyes with him for a long moment. ‘And whatever you do, don’t tell Grandpa Malcolm. He’ll go crazy if he finds out. There’s no telling what he’ll do.’
It was clear there was more he wanted to say but he simply held her hand in his. ‘Rightio, love. It’s up to you.’
20 NOVEMBER 2017
‘Nan?’ CJ called. ‘What are you doing in there?’
Her nan was deep inside the fernery, cradling a large wooden bowl and picking leaves from one of the plants.
‘CJ! You scared me!’ Jess dropped the bowl. She put her hand over her heart, her eyes darting. ‘Where did you come from?’
‘My room.’ CJ blinked against the glaring sunshine.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be at school?’
CJ stepped into the fernery.
‘No! Don’t! Stay out!’ A panicked look came over her nan’s face. She held her hand out in a stop sign.
‘What? Why? I was just going to pick up the bowl for you.’
‘No, no, I’ll get it. You stay there. Why aren’t you at school?’
‘It’s exam week. I don’t have to go in until Wednesday.’
‘Damn it, exam week,’ Jess whispered crossly under her breath.
‘Nan, what’s wrong?’
Jess wiped her brow. ‘Sorry, sweet. I just got a fright with you appearing out of nowhere like that. I’m fine, nothing’s wrong.’ She squatted down, disappearing behind the ferns for a minute before her head popped up again. She elbowed her way through the overcrowded fernery, clutching the bowl. ‘Have you had any breakfast yet?’
‘No, I was just about to grab something now.’
‘Come on, I’ll cook you up some pancakes.’
‘But aren’t you busy pruning?’
Jess looked over her shoulder into the fernery. ‘I’ll come back later and prune the rest.’
CJ watched her nan closely while she talked. Her face was twitching.
Inside the house, CJ sliced a banana and took out the jar of peanut butter while Jess cooked her favourite buckwheat pancakes. Together they walked back out into the garden and sat at the large oak table.
CJ slurped on her apple juice and stared into space.
‘Everything all right, sweet?’ Jess looked at her over the top of her mug of tea.
‘Yeah, fine.’
‘You don’t look fine. Is it the exams?’
‘Think so.’ She nodded. It wasn’t exactly a lie.
She did feel nervous about the exams, because she’d barely studied. But that wasn’t what was on her mind. It was the slow-motion twelve-second video that had been waiting on her phone when she woke up yesterday morning that she couldn’t stop thinking about. The video from Finn had given her a heady mix of nausea and terror, and it hadn’t left her head since she’d seen it.
As if reading her mind, Jess asked, ‘How are things with you and Finn?’
CJ fixed a bright smile to her face. ‘Great! Yeah, it’s going really well.’ She shoved another forkful of thickly coated peanut butter pancake into her mouth.
Jess returned her smile. ‘I’m glad. He seems a lovely young lad.’
She stared at her food and didn’t reply.
When breakfast was finished and they were clearing the plates, CJ said, ‘I might ride down to see Pop at lunch today.’
‘Sweet, today isn’t the best day for you to go in. Your pop’s been a bit off since last night. I don’t think he’ll be up for visitors, to be honest.’
‘Nan, it’s me. I’m not “visitors”.’
‘No, Charlotte. Not today,’ Jess said in a no-argument tone.
Since when did her nan not want her to visit Pop? She’d always encouraged her to go, especially when he wasn’t feeling well. She’d said that seeing his only grandchild’s face was just the thing to pick up his spirits. Why not now?
CJ sighed. ‘Okay, whatever, I won’t go. I’m going to have a shower. Will you be gone when I get out?’
‘Yes, I think I might be. I’m just going to quickly pop some veggies in the slow cooker first.’ Jess gave her a kiss on the cheek.
CJ left her in the kitchen and went to the bathroom. She stripped off and examined her body in the mirror, and for the second time since she’d woken up that morning, she cried.
She was skinny and bony and white and pasty. It was a disgusting, awful body. How had she never noticed this before? Had she really been that blind? The blinkers were off for the first time now and she could actually see herself as she truly was — completely and utterly dirty.
She let out a low growl and lashed out, scratching all the way across her concave stomach as hard as she could. She stared at the five rows of red lines left by her fingernails. Her eyes honed in on two tiny dots of fresh bright blood where she’d pierced the skin. She poked at it and gasped. Ouch!
She examined the tip of her index finger and rubbed the blood on it with her thumb until it disappeared, momentarily distracted before she let out another silent sob.
She turned on the tap and stepped inside the shower. Her hot tears mixed with the hot water as she stood under the shower head and let it rain on her face. She hugged her waist and cried, while the video Finn had taken of himself ejaculating all over a print-out of the photo of her in his shirt played over and over in her head.
When she was all cried out, she squeezed the shampoo bottle but
nothing came out. She’d forgotten she’d used the last of it yesterday. She turned off the shower and squatted in front of the vanity, scouring the shelves for shampoo. There wasn’t any. She’d have to get some from her mum’s bathroom.
Cursing, she wrapped a towel around herself and tiptoed out into the hallway, taking care not to slip on the floorboards with her wet feet.
Her nan’s distressed voice came from the kitchen. ‘She caught me out there, red-handed, picking the buds . . . No, I don’t think she cottoned on, but she was definitely suspicious. And now I won’t be able to bake anything with what I’ve already dried because she’ll smell it, of course. She’s going to be home all day . . . I’m sorry. I can’t believe I forgot about her study break. I should’ve baked extra last week and frozen them.’
In the silence that followed, CJ slinked against the wall in the corridor, shivering, waiting to hear more.
‘I’m just so sorry you’ll be in for a rougher couple of days without it . . . I know, but the tablets are never enough, the extra dose in the food makes a big difference, doesn’t it? She has an exam on Wednesday so I’ll bake some more then . . . Yes, I’m leaving now. See you in a bit, darling.’
CJ tiptoed back to the bathroom again. Her heart raced. How long had this been going on? What would happen to Nan if she was caught? Would she go to jail? Would Pop be in trouble too? Having forgotten all about washing her hair, she dried herself off.
Her phone buzzed.
Hi honey, just checking in. How’s the study going? I forgot to leave you a note about the leftover pasta in the fridge you can have for lunch. Make sure you stay hydrated too! I’ve got that meeting straight after school, remember? I’ll be home around 7. Don’t forget, Finn isn’t allowed over today - just study time now until exams are done, okay? Love you xx
As soon as CJ finished reading her mum’s message, her phone buzzed again. Finn.
Hey
Hi
Are you okay??
Yep all good. Why?
She held her breath.
Because I was kind of worried that you never replied to that video I sent you.
Oh, yeah. Haha. Didn’t really know what to say I guess.
It was awkward AF, yeah?
Kind of. LOL!
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent it. It was dumb.
She exhaled so hard her chest caved.
It’s cool. Don’t stress, haha.
Do you still like me ? I am sorry - really.
Thank God. He felt as awful about yesterday’s video as she did.
Yes I still like you
Phew! Hey I’m going to send you a different kind of video. You ready?
Her pulse spiked up again.
Um. Okay . . . I think?
Ahahaha, relax, it’s not that kind of video! I recorded our song. The first Stone Maxwell collab
CJ clicked on the video link he sent and turned the volume up to full. She watched and listened as Finn, wearing a plain white tee, faded blue jeans and with his black waves held up in a bun, sat cross-legged on his bed with his guitar in his lap and sang their brand-new song.
This was who he really was. Yesterday was just a mistake. CJ was almost delirious with relief.
When the video ended after two and a half minutes, she sent him another message.
It was perfect!! Your voice - it’s amazing! Btw I like Maxwell Stone better than Stone Maxwell. It sounds like a real band name!
It sounds like us <3
Her heart skipped a beat.
He messaged again:
How about Maxwell and Stone?
YASSSS! Love the ‘and’!
What should we call the song?
IDK
Shine?? Plus you had this glow around you from the sun yesterday when you were singing it
Aw < 3 Shine! It suits the lyrics and guess what? You had a glow around you too
Really? Ha! That’s cool.
After a few minutes, just as she was opening her study folder, her phone buzzed:
What about Radiate? Radiate or Shine? Which one?
I like Shine more. But . . . I was thinking, what about Glimmer?
That’s it. That’s the one! Glimmer by Maxwell and Stone
Yay
We should record it properly and send the demo to producers.
YES!!
It would cost a lot. Have you got any money?
LOL nope. You?
Not a dime. We’ll figure it out.
For sure!
Hey, can I come over?
She didn’t hesitate.
Yes
***
Fifteen minutes later, he was standing at her front door in all his glorious Finn-ness — broody, sexy, grown-up, a little dangerous. They didn’t speak, they threw themselves at each other, bursting with pent-up Maxwell and Stone sexual energy.
He kissed her all the way to her bed and then he lay on top of her, rubbing hard against her. She was nervous and exhilarated all at once. The rubbing was frantic and exciting and the sensation between her legs intensified by the second. She had never experienced such a rush, she almost wanted to cry out with the thrill of it all.
‘Is it good?’ Finn breathed in her ear.
‘Yes, oh my God, yes,’ she panted, her eyes firmly shut, relishing every stroke that touched her in just the right spot.
She had an overwhelming desire to have sex, to have him inside her. It was a primal urge that shocked her with its intensity. Then — boom. From seemingly nowhere, the waves of climax hit her. Her high-pitched whispered moans came from a faraway place as it took a complete hold of her.
‘Jesus, are you coming?’ he whispered.
‘Yes, yes.’ She tried to hang onto every last second of it.
‘Oh fuck.’ He buried his face in her pillow and let out a deep groan as the wet seeped through his shorts.
‘Did you enjoy that?’ he asked hoarsely after a few moments, his lips on her ear.
The last of the orgasm left her and his heavy body on top of hers made it hard to breathe.
She was fully dressed but felt entirely naked.
How did things escalate so quickly? How did she lose control like that? Oh God, what would her mum say if she found out? Would she think she’d acted like a slut? Was she a slut?
CJ shivered.
‘Did you?’ he repeated.
‘Did I what?’
‘Did you like it?’
‘Yeah, yeah, it was great.’ The doubts tripped over each other in her head. ‘Thanks.’
‘You don’t have to thank me. But . . .’ He gave her neck a quick flick with his tongue. ‘Next time, can you blow me?’
She froze.
‘Hey?’ He reached his hands up and stroked the sides of her breasts over her T-shirt.
‘Finn, I . . .’ She scrambled for the words. ‘I’m not ready for that. We’ve only been together a few weeks.’
He pushed himself up onto his forearms and frowned at her. ‘Yeah, but I want you so badly. I think about it all the time. Don’t you want me back?’
‘No, that’s not it,’ she said quickly. ‘It’s just, you know, I’ve never done that before.’
‘I don’t have a problem with that. I can tell you how I like it, sort of talk you through it the first time. Or you could watch some videos and stuff — see how other girls do it.’
‘I just, I don’t think I . . .’ She trailed off, not really knowing what to say next.
‘I’m dying for it, CJ. Please? It’s literally the best thing you could do for me. It’s my favourite thing in the world. And I mean, it’s not like we’re kids anymore. I can do it to you first if you want. I’ve been told I’m really good at it.’
She looked away for a second and then met his eyes again. ‘Can we at least wait till the exams are over?’
‘You’re so cute when you’re nervous.’ He gave her an indulgent smile. ‘Yeah, I can wait till then. Something to look forward to. So what day’s your last exam?’ He sucked on h
er earlobe. ‘Hmm?’
She gulped. ‘Religion. Not this Friday but the one after.’
‘Excellent.’ He rolled himself off her and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘What a way to finish exams. Perfect.’ He reached for tissues on the bedside table and unzipped his fly.
Her eyes just about fell out of their sockets when he pulled out his still semi-erect penis and wiped it dry. She’d never seen one in real life before. She imagined that in her mouth and quickly turned away, feeling sick.
He hummed their song while he cleaned himself up. She shouldn’t have let him come over. If her mum got wind of it she’d kill her, and now it was almost ten-thirty and she still hadn’t started studying.
She heard the zip go up and let out the breath she’d been holding. ‘Finn, we really should study now. I’m so going to fail on Wednesday if I don’t.’
He stretched and sighed. ‘Do you care though? We’ve got our music.’
‘Yes, I care. Don’t you remember who my mum is?’
He laughed. ‘No chance I can forget. All right, I’ll go.’ He paused and stared at his feet for what felt like forever. Finally, he looked up. ‘Do you know what I’d love? A full nude of you. I mean, especially if we’re not going to do the other fun stuff for the next couple of weeks, I’ll need something to get me through. And don’t worry,’ he said before she could object, ‘I swear I won’t send you anything like that wanking thing again. I just want to look at you, that’s all.’
She couldn’t swallow. Desperate to distract him, in a stiff and scratchy voice she said, ‘Hey, so I think my nan’s growing dope in the backyard.’
His eyes widened and he flew off the bed.
She instantly regretted her words, but it was too late.
‘Are you serious? Whoa! CJ, this is huge. Where is it? Show me!’
On shaky legs, feeling the weight of her treachery, she led him out to the fernery.
‘In through here, I think,’ she whispered, even though nobody was around, as they pushed their way through the dense ferns.
The dirt, still damp from the overnight sprinkler, squelched between her toes and the soft leaves tickled her calves.
‘Buds,’ Finn announced, rolling a cut leaf that he picked up off the ground between his fingers. He walked around touching the leaves of all the marijuana plants. There were five of them, cleverly concealed deep in the middle of the fernery.