by Tess Woods
They were quiet for a while before she asked, ‘What about your mum and Maureen and the young ones, how were they?’
‘Ah, the boys and Nora were fine. I think they’re too young to know what’s going on, truth be told. But the sheilas, well, they did a lot of crying and carrying on, as sheilas do.’ He laughed but it was hollow. ‘I cleared everything out for Mum’s sake last night.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘My room, my stuff. Pat and I loaded it all into Dad’s van in the middle of the night and we drove it down to the tip. He did the same thing before he was called up.’
‘Have you gone quite mad? Why would you do something like that?’
He took a while to answer. And when he looked at her, she saw that his bulletproof cockiness was gone. His eyes were vivid with angst. ‘It’ll be hard enough for Mum if I don’t come back. If she had to sort through my trophies and yearbooks, all of those kinds of things, well, it’d kill her. So I chucked it all out to save her from that.’
‘But you are coming back.’
‘Jess?’ He cleared his throat. ‘Can I ask you something?’
She didn’t answer. The tone of his voice was enough to send shivers through her.
‘If I don’t come home, I want a bugler playing at my funeral. Will you make sure that happens?’
‘Stop being cruel and saying things to scare me, Frank.’ She looked away from him.
‘Do you know “Taps”? It’s a piece of music.’
‘Never heard of it,’ she said brusquely.
‘It’s like the “Last Post”, it’s the Yanks’ version.’
‘What about it?’ She sighed, still annoyed.
‘Can I tell you the story about how it came to be played at military funerals?’
She shut her eyes. ‘No. I shouldn’t think I’d like to hear that story at all.’
‘Come on, I want you to know it. Here, lie down and I’ll tell you.’
She stared at him, unmoving.
‘Come on.’ He held his arm out for her.
Giving in, she lay down, resting her head on his chest.
He pulled the sheet over her and ran his hand along her back in long steady strokes as he spoke in a barely there voice. ‘It came from the American Civil War. There was a Union Army captain called Robert Ellicombe who was stationed in Virginia.’
Jess draped her arm around his waist and his quiet voice filled her ears.
‘There was a thin strip of land separating him and his men from the Confederate Army on the other side. Even though it was the middle of the night, the fighting was still going at full pelt. Captain Ellicombe heard a soldier moaning out on the battlefield, so he crawled on his hands and knees, through the long grass, and followed the sound of the soldier’s moans until he reached him. And then he dragged him all the way back to his encampment.’
‘Is this a true story?’ she whispered.
‘Does it matter?’
‘I suppose not.’
There was a sudden shouting from the street below, friends calling out to each other, followed by the sound of car horns. Then all was quiet again.
‘Where was I?’ Frank asked.
‘The captain had taken the injured soldier back to his camp.’
‘Oh yeah, rightio. So when he was back behind his own lines, he saw that the soldier was actually a confederate, the enemy. But by then the soldier was dead anyway.’
‘Oh no.’
‘I know. The captain lit a lantern and shone it over the dead bloke’s face. And even though the light was dim, straight away he recognised that it was his son.’
‘What?’ She rolled over and stared up at him. ‘His son?’
‘Yep. The kid had been sent off to study music in the South before the war broke out, and without telling his old man, he’d enlisted to fight alongside his friends.’
‘Oh dear God.’
‘Do you want to hear the rest?’
‘Well, you have to finish it now you’ve started.’
‘Okay. So the next morning, the captain requested from his superiors a proper military funeral with a full band for his son. Of course, they told him to get stuffed. His son was the enemy. But because they felt sorry for him, they told him that he could still bury his son on their land and that he could have only one musician present at the funeral. The captain chose a bugler. And he gave the bugler a crumpled sheet of paper with some handwritten notes that he’d found in his son’s uniform pocket. Those notes were “Taps”.’ He paused. ‘Jess, I want a bugler playing “Taps” when my coffin’s lowered into the ground. I’m counting on you to organise that for me. We don’t even get military funerals, we —’
‘Please don’t speak as if it’s a certainty that you’re going to die.’
Ignoring her, he continued. ‘We don’t get a guard of honour, our mothers don’t get bravery medals on our behalf. We get nothing. So at the very least, I want to know that if I come home in a box, then I’ll at least get a bugler — like any soldier deserves.’
‘You’re not coming home in a box,’ she said stony-faced.
‘Just promise me the bugler.’
‘You’re not coming home in a box.’
He bent his head to kiss her. ‘If I don’t come home in a box, the morning after I’m back we’ll take my earnings and go shopping for a diamond ring.’
‘That’s more like it.’ She gave him a weak smile.
‘But if I do come home in —’
‘I promise,’ she replied before he could say those awful words again.
28 FEBRUARY 2018
CJ stared at her phone as the text message from Mia came through. Mia hadn’t messaged her for weeks. They used to send each other dozens of messages a day. But that was before Finn. It felt to CJ as if she was two distinct people with two separate lives — the person she was before she met Finn and the one she became after.
She used to be someone who didn’t have many friends but who had the best friend in the whole world in Mia. Before Finn, she’d thought her mum was a bit too strict, but they’d still been super close and never really had any big issues between them like other teenage girls and their mums seemed to have. She’d always done really well at school without trying very hard and she’d lived for her music. Before she’d started going out with Finn, if someone had asked her whether she was happy, she might have hesitated, weighed up the sadness at never having known her dad against the easy trouble-free life she lived, and then answered definitely ‘Yes. Yes, I’m happy.’
But then came Finn, and the guilt and the shame, and nothing had been the same. She’d gone from being the top student in Year Eleven at St Bernard’s to failing all four assessments in the first weeks of Year Twelve. She’d pretty much shut Mia and her mum and Nan and Pop out of her life. How could she concentrate on her studies or connect with the people she loved when all she could think about was how she’d let Finn use her the way he had? How she’d let everyone down?
She spent her days at school going from class to class in a fog. Instead of spending lunchtimes with Mia, now she escaped to the library and poured her heart out into her notebook.
Mia went away in the summer holidays so there was no pressure to catch up then.
CJ stayed away from her family as much as she could too, considering she still lived in the same house as them. She felt sorry for her mum, who had tried everything to stay close with her. CJ knew she was hurting her. But she didn’t have the energy to fake it for her.
Even though she’d never been lonelier, she still couldn’t bring herself to reach out to anyone. The old CJ would have messaged Mia or turned to her mum, told them everything. But the post-Finn CJ had locked herself away in her room. Even going to the beach for a swim, which had always been one of her favourite summer things to do, was impossible now with all the scars.
It had been months since she’d broken up with Finn. She’d had to block him on her phone the day after the break-up, when he’d sent her a string of abusive messag
es. Her only consolation was that she’d called it off at the start of the summer holidays, so at least she didn’t have to see him for six whole weeks. But this past month back at school had been hideous. She did everything to keep out of his way, but there was no avoiding the music class they had together every day. There he was, his presence looming over her.
CJ hated Finn Maxwell. She hated him more than she ever imagined she was capable of hating anyone. And the hate mixed with her self-loathing. There was no escape. Was she better off dead?
And now, out of the blue, Mia had messaged her.
Hey can I come over? It’s important.
CJ’s fingers shook as she typed.
Hi. Sure, come over. Is everything OK?
A cold shiver ran through her at Mia’s response.
No, not really. There’s something I have to show you. I’ll be there in 10.
Finn. It could only mean Finn. What had he done now? Had Mia seen the nude selfie? Had it spread around the school? CJ pulled at the skin near her fingernail with her teeth until it bled. God, she wanted to cut. She wanted to cut more than anything. But Mia would be here any minute.
‘Hello, sweetheart!’ Jamie’s voice rang out from the front door. ‘How lovely to see you! We’ve missed you.’
CJ swallowed and went to greet her friend.
‘Look who’s here!’ Her mum beamed.
As soon as she made eye contact with Mia she knew it was bad.
They gave each other an awkward hug before CJ led the way to her bedroom.
‘Would you girls like me to bring you in some snacks?’ Jamie called after them. ‘Or a Milo?’
‘No thanks,’ they replied together.
As soon as CJ closed her bedroom door, she hurried over to Mia who was already sitting on the bed with her phone out.
‘What is it?’ CJ’s whole body trembled. ‘Is it Finn?’
Mia nodded, clamping her lips together. ‘He’s such an arsehole, Ceej. I’m really sorry.’
‘What’s he done? Tell me!’ She was already crying and she didn’t even know why.
Mia’s phone shook in her hands. ‘Um, I don’t know how to say it. I think I just have to show it to you. He sent me this.’ She handed the phone to CJ.
It was worse than the nude photo. So much worse.
CJ blocked my number so pass this onto her. I’ve run out of you know what and she needs to bring me more of it to school tomorrow. I haven’t shown this to anyone else YET but if she comes to school empty-handed, I’m going to put it on YouTube. Tell her.
CJ hit play on the attached video and watched in horror at the footage of herself going down on Finn. ‘How?’ she whispered. ‘How did he do that? I didn’t know he was filming it.’
Mia shuffled closer to her. ‘Are you okay? You’ve gone pale.’
Without speaking, CJ hit play on the video again. And again. Forty-three seconds of perfect lighting and camera angle to leave nobody in any doubt that it was her with Finn’s penis in her mouth.
She swallowed down the vomit that rose in her throat and gave the phone back to Mia. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she sobbed into her hands. ‘I’m so sorry you saw that. I feel like such a slut.’
‘Oh my God, don’t say sorry. This isn’t your fault.’
CJ turned to face Mia. ‘I didn’t even want to do it.’
‘Did he force you?’ Mia gasped.
‘No, no it wasn’t like that. I just said yes when I shouldn’t have,’ she cried.
‘Is that why you guys broke up?’
‘Yeah. I broke up with him the next day because I was so upset about it. I didn’t know he was recording it, I swear, Mia, I didn’t. I would never have let him.’
‘Hey, hey, it’s okay. Breathe, just take a deep breath.’
She couldn’t. Her heart was beating so fast it hurt to breathe. ‘What if he’s lying about not having uploaded it yet? What if he’s already shown it to everyone? I’m so embarrassed, I could die.’
‘He hasn’t, I checked. Listen to me, you have nothing to feel bad about. This is all his fault, not yours.’
‘How can you say that?’ CJ sobbed. ‘Look at it! That’s all me in that video — me, not him! It doesn’t get any worse than that. What am I going to do?’ She couldn’t stop shaking. She was freezing from head to toe.
‘Shh, it’s okay. Come here.’ Mia held onto her tightly. ‘You know what I think you should do? Tell your mum about this, and then go to the cops with the footage and his message demanding the dope from you.’
‘Are you joking? Tell my mum? Show the police?’
Mia squeezed her hand. ‘I’m serious. He can’t get away with this! He’s blackmailing you. If we tell your mum, she’ll know what to do. She can help us.’
CJ couldn’t shake her head any faster. ‘There’s no way. I never want anyone to know about this. I’ll just raid Nan’s room. She must have some weed in there somewhere. I can’t get it from the garden with Mum home but I can sneak into Nan’s room without her seeing me.’
Mia gasped. ‘No! You can’t do that! You’ll make things ten times worse. What if you get sprung? Your nan might find out that you stole it. What if Finn uploads the video anyway? And then what happens when he runs out of dope again? Are you going to let him blackmail you with this forever?’
CJ buried her head in her hands.
‘We have to stop him.’ Mia rubbed CJ’s back. ‘What he’s done, what he’s still doing, it’s disgusting. It’s abuse! And how do you know he won’t do this to other girls? I really think you have to tell your mum. It’s the only way out of this.’
‘I can’t,’ CJ whispered. ‘It would destroy my mum if she found out there’s dope growing in our backyard. Imagine how bad that would be for my nan? And the sex tape would destroy Mum even more. I just can’t do that to her. Or to me. How could I ever look her in the eye again?’
‘So instead, you’re going to let him blackmail you like this and give in to him?’
She nodded. ‘Yes. Yes, I am. He wins. Can you text him please and tell him I’ll have it for him tomorrow?’
‘What? No! CJ, no! I’m not doing that.’
‘Please,’ she begged. ‘Please, Mia. I want it to be over. And tell him that he has to delete the video right now.’
‘But it won’t be over! He won’t stop!’ Mia stood up and paced the room. ‘How can you not see that?’
‘Please, Mia,’ she repeated. ‘Please.’
With a long sigh and a slow shake of her head, Mia pulled her phone out of her pocket and handed it to CJ. ‘Here, you do it. I refuse to message that creep.’
CJ typed.
Okay, CJ says she’ll bring it in tomorrow. Meet her at her locker at lunchtime. But you have to delete the video and never mention it again. You can’t ever ask for any more dope from her.
His reply was immediate.
Deal
She passed the phone back to Mia and broke down again. ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m being weak. I know you’re disappointed in me.’
‘Hey, hey.’ Mia joined her on the bed again. ‘Don’t apologise. You’re not weak, you’re just scared. It’s easy for me to say what’s right. I’m not in your shoes. I’m here for you, no matter what.’
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ CJ cried. ‘I’m sorry I ghosted you. I’ve just been so depressed since Finn, you know? And I knew what you’d think of me when you found out that my boyfriend was dealing dope. I was too ashamed to stay friends with you.’
‘I’ve missed you too, but it’s all right, now. We’re good.’ She passed her a tissue.
CJ wiped her face and her nose. ‘I wish I could just die and make it all go away.’
‘Don’t say that. It will get better. We’ll figure something out.’
But she didn’t believe Mia. She couldn’t see how it could get better. It was only going to get worse. Now she was about to steal from her nan. And what Mia said about Finn was right. It wasn’t over. Of course he wouldn’t delete the video. Of course he would k
eep blackmailing her. But she couldn’t see any other way out.
As soon as Mia left to go home, she cut herself so badly it was almost impossible not to cry out with the pain. She screwed up her eyes and held it in, so her mum and nan wouldn’t hear. Later, at dinner time, her mum didn’t notice CJ wince when she sat down at the table.
That night, when her nan was in the bath, CJ tiptoed into her room and after only a few minutes of searching, hidden underneath the nighties, she found a plastic container filled with dry leaves. She emptied a small amount of it into a snaplock bag and slipped out of the room again.
She was now someone who stole from her grandmother. She was someone who had been recorded giving a blow job and there was every chance it would spread and everyone she knew would see it.
CJ picked up her phone and googled: How to kill yourself.
2–3 SEPTEMBER 1969
Jess sat on the bathroom floor, hugging her knees as she watched Frank shave, trying to commit to memory every angle and curve of him. His square jaw, his straight nose, his muscular neck and shoulders — all of it so familiar to her. Would photos be enough for her to remember all the special things she loved about his appearance? Would she recall, for example, that he had two small freckles and one larger one on the right side of his neck?
She’d never seen him in his military gear before. But there he was now, dressed in his full uniform. She’d expected to be repulsed at the sight of the man she adored in the clothes of the establishment she despised. But when he stood there awkwardly, looking at her from under furrowed eyebrows while he fiddled with his tie, all she felt was intense love. And to her great surprise, her heart was bursting with pride.
‘Well?’ He kicked the floor with the toe of his boot. ‘What do you think? Do I scrub up?’
She stood up and cupped his neck. ‘You’re the most handsome man in the world. I’m so proud of you, Frank Stone.’
‘That’s all I wanted, you know.’ His voice was husky. ‘Just once I wanted to hear you say that I made you proud.’
They walked together to the naval base, where he was due to report his arrival. He kissed her goodbye and then she watched from the gates until he disappeared from her view. Back at the hotel, she cried herself senseless until she finally fell asleep in a heap on top of the bed with her poncho, jeans and boots still on.