‘And I use Mercury, because, I don’t really know why. I like it, that’s all. But with the number 3 instead of the letter E. And I’ve also used 55Larkin, because I once lived at 55 Larkin Place.’
Somehow, the lies tumbled easily from my lips. Obviously, I wasn’t going to give him the real password for my ASX account. I never had a dog when I was young, my dad had allergies. But I always thought if I did have one I’d name him Cactus. No idea why. And I wasn’t stupid enough to use one of my addresses as a password.
Even as I knew there was no way any of what I was saying would allow him to access to my shares, my fingers were still twitching to grab hold of my computer and log in to my ASX account and do something with my shares. Hide them away from him somehow. Stop him from finding them.
I went to bed that night still feeling hyped. After we’d finished discussing our finances, Luke had yawned and said how tired he was after dealing with all that money stuff. I headed to bed with him, wondering how I was going to cope lying next to him all night long. There was no way I could sleep right now. I lay facing the other direction, slowed my breathing and pretended I was drifting off, but in reality I was wide awake. So, I was well aware when Luke quietly climbed out of bed about forty-five minutes later. I shut my eyes and held still, listening as his footsteps left the room. I waited to hear if he headed for the bathroom, but he went down the hall to the living room. I sat up in bed and strained to listen, wondering what he was up to. On his computer, I guessed, trying out my passwords. Could I sneak out after him and see exactly what he was doing? But what if he caught me?
The curiosity was burning inside of me though. I needed to know. I pulled back the covers slowly and placed my feet onto the floor. Then, ever so carefully, I stood and began to creep from the room and down the hall. At the entrance to the living room, I stayed close to the wall, terrified that the sound of my heart hammering in my chest would give me away. I peered around the corner, praying he had his back to me.
He did. He was on the couch, bent over a computer, but it wasn’t his, it was mine. I fought back the desire to spring him, to force him to come up with an explanation, and instead backed away and crept back down the hall to the bedroom. Play it safe, I told myself. Even using my computer, he wasn’t going to be able to log in to my ASX account. I wasn’t silly enough to have any passwords saved on my computer.
Back in bed I had an idea. Until all of this was over, it would be good if I had a way to keep tabs on him when he wasn’t here. I rolled over and looked at his bedside table. He’d left his phone sitting there. I knew the passcode, not because he’d ever told me and not because I’d ever thought I’d need to check up on him, just because I was good at noticing patterns and I’d seen his fingers move around the screen whenever he unlocked his phone. He was quite slow at typing it. Bottom left, top middle twice, middle right, top middle, middle right: 722626. And I’d also worked out that it actually spelled out the word PACMAN, which made sense, because he’d joked once that there would never be a better computer game than Pac-Man. I’d never used it. I’d never needed nor wanted to. But now I did.
Ever so quietly, I sat up, leaned across and picked up his phone. I held my breath as I typed it in. Please be right, please be right.
722626.
The phone unlocked.
Moving quickly, I went into the extras folder and found the Find My Friends app that was standard on iPhones. I opened it up, clicked add, and typed in my number. Next to me, my own phoned dinged with the notification, ‘Luke wants to share his location with you.’ Fuck. Had he heard that from out in the living room? I held still, barely breathing as I waited to see if there was movement from Luke. I couldn’t hear anything. I quickly closed the app and locked Luke’s phone then put it back where I’d found it. On my own phone, I accepted the invitation and then put it aside.
I stayed awake until I heard him coming back down the hall, and once again I closed my eyes and calmed my breathing. I felt the mattress dip as he climbed into bed next to me and then all of a sudden, his whole body pressed up against my back and I had to physically control myself to stop every inch of my body from clenching in response.
‘Babe,’ he whispered into my ear. ‘Babe, are you awake?’
I kept my eyes shut, my breathing slow. ‘Cadence,’ he tried again. And then his hand closed on my waist and gave a short, sharp squeeze. I had to react, there was no way I could pretend to sleep through that. I tried to play the part of being roused from a deep sleep and turned my head slightly.
‘What’s up?’ I asked, keeping my voice groggy.
‘I can’t sleep. I thought maybe we could . . . you know?’ He pushed his groin against my butt suggestively and instantly I felt ill.
‘Oh,’ I said, thinking fast. How was I going to be able to turn him down without offending him? Or even worse, without him forcing himself onto me like he had in the lift that time. ‘I would,’ I whispered, ‘but it’s that time of the month. Sorry.’
‘So?’ he said, ‘I don’t care if there’s a bit of mess.’
‘Umm, it’s really heavy right now and I think it would be really uncomfortable for me. I’ve had bad cramps. Can we try again another night?’
He huffed and all I wanted to do was roll over and slap him. Get away from me you creep, get your goddamned body away from mine. I really wasn’t sure how long I was going to be able to keep playing along with any of this. What the hell was I going to do?
‘Okay, fine. But can you at least give me a blow job then instead?’
Jesus Christ! There was no way I could do that.
‘I wish I could, but I think I’m getting a cold sore just inside my mouth. Sorry. Night.’ I turned back away again and held my breath as I waited for his response.
Several seconds passed and then the pressure released as he rolled back away from me.
‘Well, that’s just great,’ he said.
‘Yeah, sorry.’
‘No worries. Night.’
‘Night.’
I’m not sure how long it took me to fall asleep, but eventually the tiredness sucked me down and I slept fitfully with mixed dreams of Luke and Georgia and fistfuls of tablets being crammed down my throat.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Cadence
Despite the lack of sleep, I woke early. I wanted to be on guard and I didn’t want to give Luke another opportunity to be alone with my computer. As soon as he left for work I wanted to check on my shares, make sure he hadn’t found a way to access them last night. And then I was going to start preparing myself. I had to make sure I could leave the apartment when the time came to go and meet Michelle.
The first hiccup came, though, when Luke sat up in bed and leaned across to kiss my cheek. He stretched his arms out lazily and smiled at me. ‘I’m going in late today, been working too much. We can spend the morning together.’
‘Oh really?’
‘Yeah. I’ve been leaving you here alone so much, I feel bad.’
I spoke carefully. ‘You don’t need to feel bad, not at all. I know how busy you’ve been.’
‘Still though, you must have been so lonely being stuck here these last few weeks. I want to make it up to you.’
I was worried that if I kept pushing for him to go to work he’d get suspicious, so I forced my face into a smile. ‘Okay, that sounds great.’ I couldn’t stay in bed with him a moment longer though, so I threw back the covers and climbed out. ‘Taking a shower,’ I said, praying he wouldn’t invite himself along. Thankfully, he didn’t.
After I showered and dressed, I headed out to the kitchen, where Luke was rummaging through the cupboards. ‘Slim pickings for breakfast,’ he said.
I nodded. ‘Yeah, we’ve been low on supplies lately . . . Obviously I haven’t been able to —’
‘You don’t have to apologise, babe! I know it’s not your fault you can’t go out shopping at the moment.’
I’m not going to apologise, I thought. But I bit my tongue and nodded.<
br />
‘I’ll find something to eat. Have you taken your tablets yet this morning?’
‘Yep.’
‘Good. That’s the only way you’re going to get better.’ He pulled a packet of cereal out of the cupboard. ‘Bowl of dry Sultana Bran, that’ll see me through. Want some?’
‘Not really that hungry,’ I said.
He didn’t seem concerned. ‘No worries, babe.’
I wondered if he’d stopped acting like he cared about me a long time ago and I just hadn’t noticed because I’d been so blinded. I hated feeling like such a fool.
*
By 11 am I was worried. It was getting closer and closer to the time I’d need to leave if I wanted to still make it to St Leonards in time to meet Michelle, and I had no idea when Luke was going to go to work. I couldn’t leave until he was gone. Obviously, it suited him to believe I was still housebound and I didn’t want him to know I was gearing myself up to get the hell out of here. I just hoped that when he did leave I was going to be able to follow through.
Finally, at eleven-thirty his phone rang. I watched him as he answered it and then very quickly moved away from me and into the bedroom to continue the call in private.
‘Really?’ I could hear him saying. ‘Oh my God . . . okay, sure . . . of course.’ Then the door closed and I couldn’t hear him anymore. Two minutes later he emerged from the bedroom again.
‘Everything okay?’ I asked mildly.
‘Ah yeah, sure. Just some work stuff. He started gathering things up. ‘All right,’ he said, ‘as much as I’d love to stay here all day with you, someone’s gotta make us some money!’
God, I wanted to slap him.
To be honest, once he was out the door, I think it was a good thing that I didn’t have any time to spare. Too much time trying to work up the nerve to leave the apartment after all this time being afraid to go out and I might have overthought it and had a panic attack. Instead I pushed myself into autopilot. Grab what you need: wallet, keys, phone, the tablets to show Michelle. Put one foot in front of the other. Out the door, close it and lock it behind you. Down the hall. Down the stairs — I wasn’t getting in that lift today, it brought back too many memories. One floor at a time, count them as you go: fourth floor, third floor, second floor, first floor, ground. Now you’re in the lobby. And you’ve made it this far before. But this time, you’re not turning back and you’re not slowing down and you’re not giving yourself any time for excuses, you’re not giving yourself any time to think. Because you can’t — if you do, you’ll be late, and you can’t be late. Through the lobby, all the way up to the front door. Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think. Push on the heavy front door, and there, you’ve done it. You’re out into the street. And the weather is beautiful and God, you’ve been so stupid to stay stuck inside for so long.
But then the noise of the traffic and the people chatting as they walked past and the drone of a lawnmower in the park across the street . . . I stumbled back, pressed my hands against my ears, closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. You can handle this, Cadence. Yes, it’s noisy and it’s startling and it’s pushing your heart up into your throat, but it’s also everyday sounds that you used to be perfectly fine with. Pull it together.
I opened my eyes and slowly dropped my hands from my ears. One foot in front of the other, I headed for the train station.
As soon as I found a seat on the train I did the one thing I’d been desperate to do since the moment I’d woken up that morning. I logged into my shares account. Everything looked fine. My shares were still there. The value was still the same. Actually, it looked like they’d gone up a couple of points since I’d last checked. That was good to see. I exhaled slowly. They were safe, they were fine.
It was a short walk from St Leonards station to the chemist where Michelle worked. When I arrived, I hesitated out front. What was it going to be like, catching up with Michelle after all these years? We’d actually been pretty good friends in high school. Close. But we’d drifted apart soon after school finished. Was it going to be awkward? And what was she going to think when I asked her about these tablets? Would she suspect that I was some kind of junkie? My breathing started to quicken.
I can’t do this! What am I doing here? What was I thinking?
I closed my eyes and thought of my apartment. Safe, warm, familiar. I needed to get back there.
‘Cadence!’ The voice broke through the chaos inside my head and I opened my eyes to see Michelle standing in front of me. ‘I can’t believe how long it’s been.’ Over her chemist uniform, she was wearing a bright pink woollen coat that clashed brilliantly with her long red hair.
I tried to slow my breathing, tried to arrange the features on my face so I looked normal, but I could see it in her eyes — she knew something wasn’t right.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Here, come on, let’s go find somewhere to sit.’ She took me by the arm and guided me away from the chemist. ‘There’s a great cafe over here. We’ll get you a coffee.’
I let her lead, aware of the fact that I still hadn’t spoken a single word. She was going to wonder what the hell she’d got herself into, agreeing to meet up with me. We sat down at a table out the front of the cafe, underneath an outdoor heater.
‘Right,’ she said. ‘I’ll go in and order, you wait right here. What can I get for you? Cap? Latte?’
I pushed myself to respond. ‘You don’t have to —’
She waved her hands at me. ‘Don’t be silly, it’s fine.’
‘Okay. Cappuccino, please.’
‘Done,’ she said. ‘I’ll grab you something to eat as well. I’ll be right back.’
I felt mortified as I waited at the table for her to return. Pull it together, Cadence! What is wrong with you?
Michelle returned to the table a few minutes later and sat down opposite me. She put a glass of water and a small plate with a cookie down in front of me. ‘Do me a favour and eat some of that now, please. I want to see if we can get some colour back in your face.’
I didn’t know what to say so I did as I was told, breaking off small pieces of the cookie and eating it. I realised after a few bites that I was actually ravenous, and before I knew it, the entire cookie was gone.
‘Good,’ said Michelle. ‘Feeling a bit better?’
I nodded. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to do that, I just . . . I was about to come into the chemist to find you and then I . . .’
‘Don’t apologise. It’s fine. How long have you been having panic attacks?’
‘Umm, I’m not really sure . . . I don’t know if it is a panic attack really. It’s sort of complicated.’
Our coffees arrived, along with some more food. One raspberry muffin and one choc chip.
‘I wasn’t sure what flavour you’d want,’ Michelle said. ‘Happy to share both?’
‘Sounds good.’
‘All right, tell me what’s going on with you. What’s happening with these complicated, possibly but possibly not panic attacks of yours?’
It was like we were straight back in high school. Michelle had always been the motherly type. And there was no preamble with her either: she was straight to the point. I wondered how much I should tell her.
As it turned out, I told her everything. It was something about the way she listened quietly and gently encouraged me. The twenty years since high school melted away and the words tumbled out. I told her about meeting Luke. About the strange way our relationship got started, with his paranoid messages that made me feel like I needed to constantly rush to reassure him, and then how fast it all progressed. I told her about the way he’d started commenting on how I acted, on my sleep, or on the things I said, and made me believe my anxiety was ramping up. About the first day he’d given me tablets.
I hesitated at this point. Would she judge me for blindly taking the pills Luke had given me rather than going to see a doctor for myself? But she didn’t look judgemental and I pushed on with my story.
When I explained the part about discovering what the tablets actually were, she let out a small gasp. ‘Bloody hell, Cadence.’
That’s when I pulled the tablets out of my bag to show her. She took each bottle and tipped the pills onto the table, tutting as she looked at the misleading labels and then at the actual pills.
‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘I recognise these ones. They’re strong. How many of these were you taking?’
‘Two in the morning and two at night.’
‘Fuck me. How are you still functioning?’
‘Well, I didn’t take any last night or this morning. But I’m thinking maybe that was a mistake . . . I know I probably shouldn’t be stopping cold turkey. That’s why I think what happened before might not have been so much a panic attack as some kind of withdrawal reaction.’
‘Maybe, it’s possible. And you’re right, stopping cold turkey on some of these is bad. Okay, here’s what you need to do. With these ones, go one week with one at night and one in the morning, then one week with only one a day, then a week on half a tablet, then you should be okay to stop.’ She picked up a different tablet. ‘These you can come off faster. Halve your dose for a week and then stop. These white ones, you know what they are?’
‘I’m not sure, there were too many options when I looked online.’
‘They’re familiar. Give me a sec.’ She picked up her phone and started typing.
‘Aha!’ she said a few minutes later. ‘I’ve got it. I knew they were familiar. They’re quetiapine. You can stop those now, they’re out of your system within twelve hours.’
‘Okay,’ I said, ‘I’ll put those ones straight in the bin.’
‘No, you bloody well won’t!’
‘What?’
‘You’re taking them to the police, aren’t you?’
‘Oh. I . . . I wasn’t sure.’
‘Cadence, this guy has been drugging you. You need to get the hell away from him and you need to report him. Straightaway. This is serious. This is abuse.’
‘But he never . . . he hasn’t . . .’
‘He hasn’t what? Hurt you? So where did you get that black eye, sweetie?’
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