A Barefoot Summer

by Jenny Hale

  “Thank you.” Even though she looked like her mother, Charlotte’s resemblance to Ryan and Pete was clear, and for an instant—only an instant because she pushed the thought away as quickly as possible—she wondered what Pete’s little girl would look like, their little girl. She wouldn’t allow that thought for very long because it was too painful. It would never happen.

  She couldn’t help but think again how badly she’d ruined things between them. For her entire adult life, she’d thought about only herself—what she wanted—and when she’d finally realized what she’d done, it was too late. She tried to clear her mind and focused on Charlotte’s sweet face instead. The little girl was still playing with Libby’s hair, her tiny fingers twirling the strands. She noticed Charlotte’s long eyelashes, her little, pink pout, her milky skin.

  “She’s pretty, isn’t she?” Pete said. It wasn’t until Libby looked up to agree that she realized he wasn’t speaking to her but to Charlotte. Charlotte nodded, still playing with Libby’s hair. Libby looked down at her wine quickly and took a sip, not wanting to meet Pete’s gaze. She couldn’t think about what she felt for Pete tonight, or it would consume her, and she just wanted to enjoy the moment. It had been a very nice comment from Pete, and she could tell that he was trying to lighten the mood between them, but for Libby, it was a reminder of the relationship they couldn’t have. She could feel the muscles in her shoulders tighten and she wanted to rub the knots out of them.

  This was supposed to be a night of celebration, but instead she felt like she could cry at any moment. She was on edge, upset. Having him there beside her was too hard, and she didn’t know if she could get through the rest of the night. Being just friends was complicated. She couldn’t do it. But she had to, because that was all Pete was offering.

  “Y’all hungry?” Jeanie thrust a bowl of potato salad between them. “Eat up. That’s what it’s here for.”

  “I’ll take a few of those ham biscuits, Jeanie,” Pop called from his chair.

  “I knew you would!” Jeanie reached into the basket and pulled out a stack of paper plates, handing one to each person. “I’ve got chocolate-chip cookies for dessert, y’all!”

  As they started passing the food around—chips, rolls, cucumber slices and potato salad—it was Helen who quieted the chatter by raising her glass of wine. “I’d like to make a toast,” she said on her knees to be above everyone. Charlotte raised her sippy cup. “I am so thankful to have everyone here tonight. May we always be as content as we are in this moment.” Then Helen turned to Libby, her glass still raised. “I’m glad you came home, baby girl. Cheers.”

  Libby touched her glass to Helen’s and sipped her wine. She took in all the faces around her smiling and holding their drinks. She hadn’t thought they’d be together again. A band started to play on the lawn under an enormous tent with more tables of wine. Pete refilled Libby’s glass. She could barely look at him or the tears would come; she could feel them rising up. This—all her loved ones, Pete, everyone—this was what she wanted. This was what made her happy. How could she ever be happy in New York when all the people she loved were in White Stone? She took a sip of her wine and tried her best to be in the moment.

  “Did you know,” Pop said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “that I’ve been coming to this since 1963. Even back when we had it at the town fire station, before this,” he waved his hand out at the vineyards. “I remember when Helen was Charlotte’s age. We gave her ice cream on the hottest Independence Day in history, and it melted down her dress.” He smiled, his eyes dancing in the setting sunlight. Libby felt tears in her eyes. She was sentimental. Not because everyone she loved was around her this time, but because Pop could remember. For that one fantastic night, Pop remembered.

  Charlotte had pulled out a bottle of bubbles and, as the sun slipped below the horizon, the bubbles floated up into the sapphire sky. Large tiki torches burned at the edges of the vineyards and along the sides of the tents with the band and wine tables. One by one, the stars began to appear in the sky, and the blue faded to black. Then, all became quiet, and, like magic, a large Crack, and an explosion of color filled the sky. Red and blue and gold fanned out in the black of night and fizzled its way toward them until it disappeared. With another Crack, more fireworks shot up. Libby watched Charlotte. The little girl’s eyebrows were raised, her mouth open in an enormous grin, her hands covering her ears.

  As the last few fireworks went up, Libby sat, her arms around her knees, the nearly empty glass of wine in her hand. With all the excitement, she had only just noticed that Pete was sitting behind her. His warmth shielded her only a little from the breeze, and she wished he would put his arms around her. Jeanie had leaned back on her elbows, her head tilted toward the sky. Helen had Charlotte in her lap, bouncing her little legs in time with the music. Pop was dozing—how, with all that was going on, she didn’t know—in his chair. Celia was talking to Ryan and Emily. So much of her life Libby had spent trying to achieve perfection, or close to it. She’d left everything behind in search of it, when, as she looked around, she knew now, without a doubt, it had been right there all along.

  When the last of the fireworks had finished, Helen helped Jeanie pack up the dishes and blankets. Ryan picked up Charlotte, who had curled up on her side with a small blanket, her eyes blinking heavily as she tried to fight sleep. Charlotte put her head on her daddy’s shoulder. Emily piled the toys into her bag and then started helping the others. Pop was still sleeping in his chair. Libby helped Jeanie with the dishes, but she kept her eye on Pete.

  The night was ending, and she didn’t want it to. Panic shot through her as she watched him picking up his things. She didn’t want to be away from him. Ever. She had to try one more time to explain herself or the what-ifs would drive her crazy. She’d done it all wrong last time. If she could just convey to him what she was feeling, maybe he’d change his mind. She grabbed his arm and whispered in his ear, “Can we stay back after everyone leaves? I need to talk to you.”

  “I’ll take Dad home tonight, Pete,” Helen said, her eyes darting between the two of them, a smile playing at her lips. “Glad to see ya, Libby.”

  “It’s good to see you too,” she said, still glancing at Pete and waiting for an answer. His face showed no emotion, but he made eye contact and nodded.

  She felt so nervous that she could hardly hand Jeanie her things without dropping them. She could feel the fire under her skin from fear. She worried that she’d make a fool of herself, pour out her feelings to Pete only to have him turn around and walk away. Again. She was unsure, scared, nervous. But what was the alternative? Just leave and never let him know all the things she’d been thinking, how she’d changed? Her pulse was racing, her mind going a hundred miles an hour, rehearsing what she might say. She hadn’t planned this; she hadn’t thought it all out. She’d been impulsive in asking him to stay back, but she knew in her heart that no time was better than right now to tell him what she was feeling.

  The crowds departed, and Libby and Pete said goodbye to Jeanie, Celia, and the Bennett family, leaving them alone on the vast lawn of the vineyard amidst the litter and flickering torches. Pete sat down on the towel and stretched his legs out, crossing them at the ankle. He looked out ahead, his face showing nothing. She lowered herself down beside him. Above them, through the last bit of dissipating smoke from the fireworks, was a black sky so big it almost took her breath away. Millions of stars peppered the darkness. Neither of them said anything. She didn’t want to, worried about how to begin what she wanted to say. She took a deep breath and looked up at the stars.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Libby fixed her gaze on one particular star, and she thought about how, by the time she saw its light, it could have already burned out. She hoped that it wasn’t the same for her and Pete. He’d already told her he was moving on without her, but could she change his mind? As terrified as she was, she had to give it a shot.

  “Are you cold?” he asked, a puzzled l
ook on his face. It was July in Virginia, and the air was warm and humid, but Libby was sitting with her fingers hidden beneath the bends in her crossed arms, as she tried to warm her fingertips. They were icy from nervousness. It was as if all the heat from her body had gone straight to her face. Her stomach ached with unease.

  “No,” she said, uncrossing her arms. She looked into his eyes and wondered if she had the nerve to do this. “Being back here has changed me,” she said before she could lose her courage. She was out of her comfort zone. This was a leap of faith. She had to take a risk and make herself vulnerable, and she still may fail. It went against everything she’d ever done in her life, but it felt more right than all of the other things she’d accomplished. She needed to do this. So she just started talking and let it all out.

  “It doesn’t matter how far away I am, all I can think about is you. I had it wrong, Pete. For so many years, I’ve had it wrong. I can’t be happy in New York because you aren’t with me, and I miss you so much that I don’t even care about anything else anymore—not a job or an apartment. It all seems so silly now in comparison. So, by chance, do you feel anything like what I feel? Because if you do, I’m not going back to New York.” Just like that old tire swing, when she’d jumped as a girl, her heart racing at the complete excitement of knowing her fate just before she hit the water. She was ready to jump.

  Pete broke eye contact and took in a breath. He let it out slowly and looked back at her. “Look, you left. You left. You needed something else to keep you busy, and you couldn’t find that something else here. Now that you’ve spent over a decade in New York, chasing God knows what, you’ve come back. It feels to me like you’re bored.” He looked at her, thoughts clearly moving behind his eyes. “I don’t doubt that you’re looking for something else, but I don’t think it’s necessarily something real. I feel like it’s just another goal for you to reach.”

  Indignation swam through her. Didn’t he know her better than that? How could he think that she was anything but completely serious? She’d never risk this much unless she was certain. “I’m not bored,” she said. “This isn’t about any kind of goal.” She blinked to keep the tears at bay. She knew why the tears were coming. Because what he’d described was exactly what it looked like. She’d always been so focused on achievement that she hadn’t looked around and noticed the people who meant the most to her. Instead, she’d left them all behind, and the fact that she couldn’t change it made the guilt almost intolerable. She dragged her fingers under her eyes to catch the tears before they fell. “It’s about how I feel about you.”

  “So it’s about how you feel.” He stood up and walked toward the vineyards, stopping on a grassy hill, his back to her.

  She stood and walked up behind him, her head pounding with the stress of the situation. She had to make him see…

  He turned around. “It’s always been about you. About where you can get the best education, where you can move forward in life, what makes you happy. I’d like to be able to get on with my life without having you coming in and out of it any time that it pleases you.”

  Libby was shaking her head, willing the words to come out, but they wouldn’t. Tears were coming instead. As they slid down her cheeks, she wiped them with the back of her hand. “You’re wrong.”

  Until now, all her life her choices had been made for her. She didn’t get to choose as she watched her daddy drive away and leave her. Her mother had trained her to hate White Stone—she didn’t get to see it with her own eyes growing up. She’d been pushed to compete, to work hard, to please her mother. She’d thought her life had been her choosing, but it hadn’t. Not until now.

  “It isn’t about me. It’s about the man I see in you. It’s about Pop. It’s about never missing another birthday or Sunday dinner or boat ride. It’s about being with the people I love.”

  “What about everything you’ve said about needing achievement to make you happy? What’s going to happen when you start to miss that? I don’t plan to be around when you decide to walk out again.”

  She could see it in his face: the disappointment she’d seen that day when she’d left at eighteen. Was he disappointed in the person she’d become? Maybe she wasn’t even the type of person he wanted to have in his life. As this revelation dawned on her, a hopeless feeling took over, and she scrambled for what to do next. She wanted to be the one person whom he wanted to talk to at night, the one he wanted to spend all his time with, the one he couldn’t live without. She wanted to care for him, help him with Pop, be there for him, love him. “I won’t walk out,” she said, her words uneven and broken from her tears.

  “I don’t believe you,” he said quietly, looking out at the trees.

  She’d never felt pain like this before. Not when Wade had left or when she’d lost her job. The misery of what she felt right now was something she could barely manage. How would she ever be able to convince him that she wasn’t going to change her mind because there wasn’t anything else in life that she wanted more?

  “In your mind, you want this, but you just want it because you can’t have it,” he said, his face becoming rigid. “I don’t think you even really know what you want, Libby, because only a short time ago, all you wanted was to be in New York. Now you want to be here.” He shook his head, his lips pressed into a straight line.

  “Don’t tell me what’s in my own mind,” she said, putting her hands on her hips. He didn’t have a clue—clearly—what was in her head. How dare he assume he did! She could feel her knees begin to shake from anger. He looked at her, a ragged, tired expression on his face.

  “I have real responsibilities, Libby. Pop depends on me. I need to be with someone I can trust. Someone who pays attention to what I want and need sometimes,” he said. “Life is about compromise, and you’ve never demonstrated even once that you know how to do that.”

  He was right. She hadn’t given him any reason to believe that she was capable of that. She’d left. Twice.

  “I can’t stop thinking about you and Pop when I’m away from you,” she said, grabbing his arm gently and turning him toward her. “I worry so much about Pop, but I worry about you too. I want to show you that you can depend on me. I know I haven’t given you any indication that you can, but if you’ll just let me show you…” She couldn’t imagine how she had any tears left, but they still came—one after another.

  A crew began walking the grounds, picking up the trash left by the townspeople and putting it in bags. A white floodlight illuminated the lawn, and the tiki torches were being extinguished one at a time. She saw it all, but she didn’t care. She stood there next to Pete, their towels still on the grass behind them, praying for some miracle to make him change his mind.

  Pretty soon they’d have to leave and she may not have another chance like this—just the two of them—where she could tell him how she felt.

  “I love you so much,” she said. “I always have. I’ve made stupid choices to make everyone else happy. And you’re right; I didn’t even really know myself what made me happy. Until I came back and saw you and Pop and your mom—everyone. I realized that being with you makes me happier than a job or an opportunity… anything in the world. I don’t want any of that if I can’t be with you. I don’t care where we live or what job I have because it’s meaningless when you aren’t a part of it. I know I can make you happy because all I want to do is to be there for you and Pop and your family.” She took in a breath and waited. She hung on his every movement—his blinking eyes, the twitch of his fingers—anything to give her a clue as to whether she’d convinced him of her feelings.

  “I don’t know, Libby,” he shook his head. “We need to go.” He pulled away from her and began to pack up the last few things that were left from the fireworks. He folded the towels and placed them into his bag and slid the empty wine glasses into the side pockets. He didn’t say anything else. She waited.

  “Tell me, what don’t you know?” she pressed.

  He slid the bag onto
his shoulder and moved toward her. His mouth was turned down, the skin between his eyes creased, his face showing fatigue. “I don’t know if I need this right now. I’m tired. I have a lot going on. I…” He pinched the bridge of his nose as if relieving an ache there. “I just need to go home.” He turned away and started walking toward the car. Libby followed in silence.

  When they got to the Bronco, Libby slid in on her side and didn’t say a word. She was too busy thinking about his response. He’d been given one night—one night—without the burden of watching over Pop, of worrying about the realities of life, and she’d dropped a bomb on him like that. She felt awful. How selfish could someone be? Even though she hadn’t meant to, she’d still thought about herself first instead of considering what a conversation like this might mean to Pete. She’d given him one more worry, one more thing to contemplate. It was no wonder he was tired.

  The rush of air from the open windows of the truck drowned out the chirping of the crickets in the woods as they drove home in silence. She wanted to put her hands on his face, kiss his lips and tell him she was there for him—she’d always be there for him—and the thought that she may never get the chance to do that was nearly crushing.

  She didn’t know where to go from here. She was so confused. Her time in White Stone had made her realize that she wasn’t happy in New York, and, if she couldn’t be with Pete—if she had to see him day in and day out—it would tear her heart out, so she couldn’t be happy in White Stone either. It was overwhelming. Pete pulled into Celia’s drive, turned off the engine and twisted toward her just like he’d always done when they were kids. But this time, she didn’t see that kid anymore. She saw the man she was in love with, and it terrified her because she didn’t know what more to do about it. The ball was in his court.