by Gini Koch
“I resent that!”
“Not now, Keith. Look, I’m Wolverine and I’m trying to reach Nick Fury. Does that help?”
“Not at all.”
“I want to speak with the President, Jeff Martini, my husband, aka Cosmos.”
“You are not the First Lady and therefore not authorized to do so.”
“Really? Then give me the Director of the CIA, Charles Reynolds.”
“You are not authorized to do so.”
“How about Tom Curran, the Director of the FBI?” Didn’t know Curran at all, but figured I’d have a better shot with him than whoever was holding down this fort.
“Again, you are not authorized. You are not authorized to speak to anyone other than me.”
“Who are you?”
“You are not authorized to know my name, rank, or serial number.”
“Of course not. Where is Rajnish Singh?”
“Nowhere you need to know about.”
“I want to talk to Colonel Arthur Franklin and I want to do so right now.”
“Identify. The President has protocols in place to determine if you are actually who you say you are. Meet those, or we will be forced to shoot you from the air.”
Camilla took a headset from Walker. “This is Agent Ninety-Nine.”
“Seriously?” Went over to where she was. Walker had type on his screens. Looked like he was trying to reach Hacker International via a method other than cellular. I approved.
Camilla shot me a look that said she’d heard all the jokes and had been sick of them before she’d heard them. She also tossed out some numbers and words and such so fast I couldn’t catch them.
“Those protocols are old,” whoever was on the other end said. “Agent is not confirmed.”
Camilla looked shocked for what I suspected was the first time in her life. But she gave it the old college try. “Supersede protocols due to state of emergency. New protocols are sign countersign. Romeo.”
“Negative. You are not authorized.”
Camilla looked worried. “What did Jeff change while I was gone? And why?”
“I have no idea, but whoever we’re talking to doesn’t seem to think I’ve been kidnapped. Well, I was, most of us were. But we got better. Which is why we’re trying to get to you there at Andrews.”
“Identify or we will shoot you from the sky.”
“Oh, my God.” Had nothing else. Went with the things that worked best—the crazy and channeling my mother. “I am the wife of the President of the United States, and the daughter of the Head of the P.T.C.U. and you will put me on with one of those two people immediately or I will personally come down there, kick your ass into the Atlantic Ocean, and then ensure that you do the rest of your active duty in Siberia using our nice exchange program with Russia. Do I make myself clear?”
“You’re clear, but we still need identification.”
“How’s this? I am the former Head Ambassador of American Centaurion. I have the Former Supreme Pontifex with me, along with the current Cultural Attachés. And if you do not immediately put us on with the President of the United States I will ensure that I ask my friends from other worlds to blow your facility to high holy hell, with specific attention paid to you and your entire family line.”
“That might not be the right tactic,” Hughes said quietly.
“Warheads are arming,” Walker said.
Looked over at White. “A little help?”
He shrugged. “There are many ways to prove it’s you. But I suggest you take your earphones out.”
Stared at him for a moment, then realized that I probably wasn’t the only one Algar assisted every now and then.
“Gotcha. Whoever’s on the line, I’d like you to listen to this very, very carefully.”
Turned my phone’s volume up to eleven, hoped that this was going to work, and hit play. And “Back in the Saddle” came on, with Screamin’ Steven Tyler doing some of his very best screaming.
CHAPTER 74
“WARHEADS HAVE DISARMED,” Walker said, sounding relieved.
“President has left the photo op, though the ‘First Lady’ is still there,” Randy said.
Let the song continue to play because I was really annoyed. Could hear someone shouting over the music. Decided they could shout a little longer.
“That sounds like Jeff,” Jerry said.
“I don’t care who it is,” I shouted into the headset. “I am seriously pissed with every, single person in charge of whatever the hell you all think you’re in charge of! And that includes my husband, best friend, and mother. Especially my husband!”
The shouting on the other end stopped. Good. Turned the volume down, though I let the song play on.
“Now, I’m going to try this one more time. Then, quite frankly, if I get the same responses I’ve been getting, I actually will declare myself, this helicarrier, and all those on it as our own sovereign nation, and we will go invisible, disappear, and become America’s worst nightmare.”
“Ah, Kitty?” Not Jeff. Not Chuckie, either. Definitely not Mom. But the voice was familiar.
“Kevin?”
“Yes, it’s me. I believe I have things under control now.”
“You believe. What do you base this faith upon? Exactly.” The song ended and I turned the music off. Wanted to hear everyone very clearly now.
“Your mother is on-site now and is angrier than you are, if you can believe it.”
“Currently I cannot, and that’s not because I’m selling Mom short. Someone had better explain how no one in the entire government could find us when we were literally less than an hour away from the White House, and why we cannot reach anyone at all, or I’m going to decide that everyone wanted us to stay missing.”
“Trust me, that’s not the case.”
“Really?” Had a horrible thought. “Has anyone wanded Jeff and Chuckie and everyone else? What if they’ve been replaced by robots or androids?”
“No,” Kevin said soothingly, “we’re all really ourselves.”
“How would we know that?” Camilla asked dryly.
Kevin heaved a sigh. “Countersign Protocol Alpha. Do it fast.” He and Camilla shared words back and forth quite quickly.
She shrugged. “As long as we can trust that this is really Kevin Lewis, then he’s confirmed that everyone is who they should be.”
“Well, that’s good news. Then, since we haven’t been infiltrated, why was whoever took our call at Andrews and the White House convinced that I was safe and sound?”
“You’re the one who suggested having your double in place.”
“Don’t try logic with me right now, Kevin, I am not in the mood. They armed warheads and aimed them at the ship I’m in after I’d told them who the hell I was. After Camilla gave them every sign and protocol known to mankind. And after all Centaurion phones other than ours, apparently, were turned off, with no voicemail possible. I’m currently wondering if this is an Alpha Four divorce ritual that no one told me about. I’m very seriously wondering.”
“It isn’t.”
“Yeah? Prove it. This isn’t the kind of reaction I expected when I was kidnapped. Everyone calmly putting my double in place and going on as if nothing bad has happened while simultaneously not having anyone look for me doesn’t say ‘I love you.’ It says ‘problem solved, get lost and stay lost’ in my world.”
“No, it’s not that at all, Kitty, I promise. We had to do something, because the media got an anonymous call about the First Lady being in peril and we had to show that this wasn’t the case. So Jeff was forced into a press conference literally at the same time you were taken. We locked down the phones so that no one could make a mistake and share classified information.”
“Who is the person who authorized shutting down all the phones and who authorized keeping my pho
ne and the others’ phones active?”
“Ah . . . Jeff, Chuck, and James authorized the phone shutdown. Your mother overrode and kept the phones of those known to be missing active.”
“I’m no longer totally pissed at my mother. Everyone else on the other hand . . .”
“The Administration can’t reveal that the first time you walked outside of the White House you were snatched or there will be no faith in the leadership and we’ll spend the next few years battling everything and everybody.”
“I don’t care. Let me be more accurate. I not only don’t care, but I’m literally so angry that I’m about to go break Stephanie out of whatever hole she’s in and join her side.”
“See, that’s part of the problem.”
“Oh, don’t tell me, let me guess. You all listened to the freaking android who gave you demands and did what she said to do, didn’t you?”
Kevin coughed. “They did. I’d like to be on record that I said not to do it. I had full faith in you.”
“Suck up. I like that, but still. Did anyone find the sniper that was on the roof somewhere near the Teetotaler?”
“No.”
“Did anyone try to find said sniper?”
“Ah . . . no. It was believed that the sniper went off after the limousine you were in.”
“Believed. What was this ‘belief’ based on?”
Heard someone talking in the background. Kevin cleared his throat. “Someone saw a black motorcycle with a rider all in black and what looked like a weapon leaving the area around the same time as you.”
Exchanged the “really?” look with Adriana. “Congratulations. Whoever ‘someone’ is, they spotted the only person who actually came to rescue us. Said person is not American or an A-C. By the way. So, let me get this straight. I’m kidnapped, along with several others, and someone sees who they think the sniper is going after me, and . . . then what happened? I’m asking because the answer is clearly not ‘we followed the motorcycle and found where you and the others were being held,’ so I’m just excited to discover what actions were actually taken.”
Kevin cleared his throat again. “I’m not totally clear on why, Kitty, because I wasn’t involved in any of this, but pursuit was not allowed. Under the feeling that it would put you in more danger. There appears to have been a breakdown in protocols.”
Not allowed. How interesting. “Well, we’re just overrun with that, aren’t we? Where are you and where are James and Tim?”
“I’m at Andrews, and so is your mother. Now, for both of us. James and Tim are at the White House along with Chuck, Jeff, and everyone else. They’re hooked into this call, though.”
“Awesome. My men? I’m so very, very beyond angry with you that I cannot adequately express it. I strongly suggest you stop whatever stupidity you’re doing and figure out how to apologize to me for, oh, the next year, year and a half. Jeff? If you want a divorce, there are easier ways, and if you do, trust me that if this is how you’re asking, I’m going to use this ship to make you really sorry about your breakup delivery method. Kevin? Get me Arthur Franklin and get him now.”
“Here, Missus Martini, ma’am.”
“Oh, I’m not mad at you, Arthur. Yet. You can continue to call me Kitty. The rest of my men had better be following your lead and calling me ma’am, however. Is my parking space still available at Andrews?”
“Yes, it is. Would you like an escort?”
“I will have my flyboys shoot any aircraft near to us out of the sky. I was not joking. It’s been a very long and trying day and I’m just overjoyed to know that my men were morons and not only didn’t tell anyone we might contact that I was kidnapped but also left some stupid protocol crap that I knew nothing about and that Camilla knew nothing about as the only way to confirm who I was. Just peachy. At least when Chuckie did that before it was a code I freaking knew.”
“Those protocols were put in place due to a terrorist threat.” Mom had joined the group call, and she was truly as pissed as I’d ever heard her. “I cannot adequately express how displeased I am that this Administration’s first acts were to ignore my counsel and do something this remarkably stupid. I cannot express it at all because if I try I will be cursing from now until the Fourth of July.”
Heaved a sigh. “Fine. Mom, I’m so angry. We save the day and this is the thanks we get?”
“Get used to it, kitten.”
Camilla snorted. “Yeah, trust me, get very used to it.”
“Already am. So, Mom, is this my husband’s not-so-subtle way of saying he wants a normal wife?”
“Not to my knowledge, kitten. Though if it was, there won’t be enough of him left for you to hurt. I’m easily as angry as you and I’m far closer to where he is than you appear to be.”
“I love you, Mom. Of course, I have a big helicarrier I’m now dying to test in a variety of ways. But, presuming Jeff isn’t going for the Grandiose Breakup Plan—and nothing that’s happened so far is convincing me that he isn’t, by the way—I suppose I shouldn’t kick him, Chuckie, James, and Tim as hard as I can in their personal parts?”
“No,” Mom said. “Not as far as I’ve been able to tell.” Camilla’s expression said that she was all for kicking and that she’d like to help kick. “Their reactions appear to be based out of stupidity and fear.”
“How about their shins? Can I kick those?”
Mom laughed. “Maybe. See how well they grovel.”
“I’d just like to say, in my defense, that we were all worried about you,” Reader said as his way of letting me know he was also hooked into the call. “Ma’am. And all our intel said you were out of the country. Which was confirmed since we couldn’t find you anywhere and Jeff couldn’t feel you or any of the others.”
“Try it in person, James. Still too angry to want to hear about it. So, do tell me this—you all released Stephanie, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, we did, girlfriend. Getting the feeling that was also a mistake you’re going to be really angry about.”
“You have no idea. Why?”
“We were told that you and the others would all be killed. And we saw, ah, proof. Same reason we didn’t follow the sniper and all the phones went off—if any of us tried to follow him or you or shared what was going on, you’d be killed.”
“And never once did anyone ask themselves if that was a realistic version of events to be believing. Wow. Just . . . wow. Mom, did you verify that Jeff, Chuckie, James, and Tim—and, realistically, everyone else—are fully organic?”
“We did, because of the fact that we’ve already had robotic and android attacks. Per Tito and the rest of the White House and Embassy medical staff, everyone’s who they should be.”
“Didn’t believe me?” Kevin asked.
“Let’s just say that I felt getting a confirming second opinion was wise. Speaking of which, Mom, when did I stop believing in the Tooth Fairy?”
She chuckled. “At age five, because your father tripped putting the money under your pillow and accidentally woke you up.”
“I feel remarkably reassured that you’re really you, Mom. So, where are the security personnel we sent off in the limo?”
“They’re at a bar called Charlie’s a few miles away from where you were. Per Devon, it was the first place they found where they had phone service and since it’s your son’s name, he felt it was prophetic.”
“I like Devon. Let’s keep him around.”
“I plan on it. Charlie’s is a gay bar, apparently quite a fun place, and everyone there was incredibly helpful. Once those folks found out what had happened, they got our people food and drinks and have basically been taking care of them. I told the team to stay there and expense it until we could safely pick them up.”
“They deserve the break. And who knows, maybe someone will make a love connection.”
“Most of those te
ams are straight, but you never can tell. So, leave them there, don’t try to add them into your new nation.”
“Hilarious. Though you’d be the Queen Mother.”
“I’m touched, kitten, really.”
“Why are you less mad at Angela than the rest of us?” Reader asked.
“Because she’s my mother, she’s the reason our phones are on, I can now say with some confidence that she didn’t approve the moronic plan you all agreed to, and she gets more of a pass than any of you ever will. My husband and two best guy friends in particular. Megalomaniac Lad in also particular. Because you didn’t send anyone to look for us even in more particular. Actually, let me list out all the things you didn’t do—you didn’t send anyone after the sniper, you didn’t follow the motorcycle, you didn’t think that maybe the terrorists were bluffing, you didn’t think I would be anything other than a victim, and you didn’t bother to let anyone know that I might be calling for help. Anyone still wondering why I’m furious should just review that list.”
“Coming up on Andrews airspace, Commander,” Hughes said.
“Awesome. Are my children safe? And do they now think they have a new mother?”
“They’re safe,” Mom said. “The moment we found out you were taken the Embassy went into lockdown.”
“Yes, that was confirmed by Romania. Who were not allowed entry into our Embassy during a time of emergency. Which, let me mention, makes me even angrier than I already was, as hard as that is to believe.”
“The only counsel of mine that was followed was turning your phones back on, kitten. And that only happened recently.”
“Unreal. So you guys are why we couldn’t call out for hours?”
“Possibly. On the plus side, your children aren’t thinking of Francine as the new you.”
“Guess we’ll have to give Jeff more time for that, then.” Heard someone shouting in the background. Was fairly sure it was Jeff. Ignored it. My phone rang. It was Jeff. Ignored it. “So, I have another question. Was Christopher involved in this stupidity in any way?” Phone rang again. Chuckie. Ignored it.