Darcy by now used to the feeling of jealousy that arose in his breast when Elizabeth was speaking with someone else, wanted to be a part of their conversation, but it was not until Elizabeth sat at the pianoforte that chance was afforded to him. Lady Catherine, as usual, wanted to know what they were talking about, and the matter being that of music, Elizabeth was invited to play for the present company. Lady Catherine hardly listened to Elizabeth's playing, but she insisted on offering her use of the pianoforte in the servant's room, and then once more carried on trying to talk about Anne's charms. Though Darcy was not in the habit of blushing for his relatives, he felt the full force of the insult that Elizabeth had received, and almost felt as if he had been insulted.
To offer the use of the servants quarters to a gentlewoman, it bordered on the indecent! Surely Miss Elizabeth would not take his aunt up on her insulting offer? He enjoyed listening to Elizabeth, and he knew that though she could improve herself, somewhat she had mastered the instrument tolerably well enough that the average listener would not notice her deficiencies. Lady Catherine he felt had behaved terribly, although he stored up in his mind her suggestion of giving Elizabeth the luxury of a London master. Darcy left the family circle as soon as the Collins' left, saying that he was fatigued.
Once he got up to his room he lay upon the coverlet and was soon reviewing the evening. To remind himself of why he left Hertfordshire, he considered the ball at Netherfield. That night Mrs Bennet had been so vulgar, and the youngest two girls flirted outrageously with the officers. However the longer he reviewed the ball at Netherfield his mind morphed Mrs Bennet into Lady Catherine. Momentarily this gave him concern, for though Lady Catherine might have her faults, her connections were good, and this brought the realisation to Darcy, that no matter how well Miss Elizabeth bore herself, her family must always bring her down. The excuse about her family and connections was becoming thinner the more he considered things.
The next day he called on Elizabeth at the parsonage, hoping that he would not be on his own with her, but it turned out that Mrs Collins and her sister had gone into the business and so she had been writing a letter to her sister. His visit did not last long. Nearly every day for a fortnight Darcy would meet Elizabeth in the park, and then visit the parsonage later in the day. Upon examining his behaviour, Darcy could not explain it better than that he wanted to be in Elizabeth's company. He missed her when she was not around. He wanted to be in her company, and the last full day he was at Rosings, he had planned to be no different, but Colonel Fitzwilliam was doing his tour of the park, and he knew he would see Elizabeth that night at Rosings. So he allowed business to tie him up during the day. However, Elizabeth did not appear with the Collins's as she had a headache. Worried that she was ok, Darcy left Rosings after dinner, to call on the parsonage.
Calling on the Parsonage Elizabeth informed him that she was much better. Yesterday he had woken up with a few sniffles and a slight sore throat that had disappeared a few minutes after getting up. Not typically sick Darcy had shrugged it off and carried on. Now as he stood in the parsonage drawing room, he felt agitated and was flushing hot and then cold. What was wrong with him? You're only nervous man, get a hold of yourself! Before he knew or considered what he was doing, he was offering his hand in marriage to Elizabeth. Not having planned this moment ahead of time, his tongue ran away with him and everything tumbled out of him before he could stop it. How much he loved her, what had prevented him making his offer sooner and how much he now desired that she would accept his hand. If Darcy had expected her to be waiting for his addresses and even wanting them, he certainly did not expect her response.
She looked angry and upset rather than flattered and pleased. She accused him of treating Wickham badly; she accused him of separating her sister and Mr Bingley. She berated him for his lack of sensibility and berated him for insulting her while proposing to her. All the while she flatly refused his offer. Darcy couldn't understand it. He had thought she felt the same way. Darcy had thought she knew that he was in love with her. He thought that he had shown it on his face. Here she was telling him that he was not behaving in a gentlemanlike manner. This was all more than his mind could take. At first, it showed as anger and irritation, but very quickly it moved into a headache, did he blame Miss Elizabeth? No. He knew that the blame laid elsewhere. She was above reproach in his eyes. Even though she was talking out of assumptions apparently based on half-truths. What had she heard? Why did she bring Wickham into this? Everything swam in front of his eyes momentarily and then knowing that there was nothing more to be said, Darcy Left.
Chapter 15
When a thing is said to be not worth refuting you may be sure that either it is flagrantly stupid - in which case all comment is superfluous - or it is something formidable, the very crux of the problem. Percy Bysshe Shelley.
9th April 1812
Mr Darcy quit the parsonage, greatly confused. Could this be a nightmare? Had she really just told him in no uncertain terms that she would not accept him under any circumstance? Was she insane? What sort of woman refuses the hand of a man with as much to recommend him as Darcy? How could she prefer Wickham to him? What lies had Wickham told her that she would think him so bad? What had he done that she would lay such heavy accusations upon him? "Your arrogance, your conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others" wasn’t that what she said? Where had that come from? She seemed angry; how could she be angry when a man of such high consequence offered her his hand? Did she not know what good fortune that was for her? What had he done that occasioned such anger? How had she heard that it was he who had separated her sister Jane and his friend Charles Bingley? The questions in his mind were endless; none were within his power to answer. Or were they?
Darcy was about to return to Rosings when he recollected that his aunt would be there and would want to know where he had been and what he had been doing. He was aware that he neither wanted her interference nor did he want anyone to know about the refusal. He turned and wandered the park for a while. Elizabeth was unlikely to tell anyone; she seemed so shocked and angry that she would not mention anything.
He turned and walked into the park, and wandered far and wide as his mind went over that which Elizabeth had said to him. 'In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they may be returned. It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you'.
How could she not feel gratitude? Was she that ungrateful? No, she was not insensible to what I had offered, it was something else.
Wickham! She had mentioned him during her response. What was it she had said about him? 'Your character was unfolded in the recital which I received many months ago from Mr Wickham. On this subject what can you say?' A lot! That profligate has been ingratiating himself with her. What were his intentions there? With Georgiana, he wanted her fortune, but Elizabeth has no fortune. Could it be he had fallen in love with her? No, that man loves nothing and no-one but himself. It has to be something else.
At this moment his head swam again. He slumped to the base of a tree to rest and tried to clear his thoughts, but nothing came together coherently. He knew that he was trying to work out something that was on the edge of his mind. Something to do with Elizabeth and Wickham
Could it be that he was planning to ruin her? There's no way he would marry her, that is certain. Well, she must learn the truth there. There's nothing else for it, and I must take the risk and tell her of Georgiana's misfortune with that man. I hope I don't ruin her, but it cannot be helped. Elizabeth must know the truth, the whole truth.
Another idea hit him. Elizabeth was only just forming an acquaintance with Mr Wickham that day in Meryton. Is it possible that Wickham had seen jealousy in my face? He does, after all, know me better than anyone else. Could I have given my feelings away in front of him? Did I show all of my emotions there? I was jealous of the fat clergyman who
insisted on standing so close to Elizabeth but had Wickham seen it when I saw him? Wasn't it at the Netherfield ball that she had said, 'that he had been unlucky enough to lose your friendship in a way that he was likely to suffer from for the rest of his life?'
Could others at Meryton and the surrounding villages have formed the same expectation of Elizabeth and me as with Jane and Bingley? Could Wickham have heard the rumour? No, she seemed genuinely surprised when I vowed my love. If she didn't know, then surely no one else did. Mind, Wickham always had a knack for finding out what lady I liked, right from when we were children, so maybe it doesn't matter though. She must be informed.
He shook his head, trying to clear his head of the painful memories. He stood up intending to carry on his walk, but again he felt for a few minutes as if he had no strength, and momentarily leant against a tree for support. He tried to invent some business that would necessitate his return to town. However, he again thought of his disappointment, 'I might as well inquire why with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me you liked me against your will, against your reason and even against your character? Was this not some excuse for incivility, if I was uncivil? But I have other provocations. You know I have. Had not my own feelings decided against you had they even been favourable, do you think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has been the means of ruining, perhaps forever, the happiness of a most beloved sister?' How had she found out about that? "I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. No motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted there. You dare not, you cannot deny that you have been the principal, if not the only means of dividing them from each other. Of exposing one to the censure of the world for caprice and instability, the other to its derision for disappointed hopes, and involving them both in the misery of the acutest kind' Have you not now done that to me by refusing me? Oh Elizabeth, you know not how much you have wounded me and made me suffer. Darcy could not remember exactly what his reply had been, but he remembered admitting that he had separated them.
Again his mind refused to focus. Never in his life had his mind been so affected, that he could not form a rational thought. Those years after Jeremy’s death when he had not spoken a single word, he had still retained his rational abilities, the same after the death of each of parents. Yet this slip of a girl had rendered him unable to think clearly. It hovered in the back of his mind that perhaps he was getting sick, but he shrugged that off. He didn’t get sick. Now devoid of rational thought for a while, his already tortured mind started bringing back the memories of Hertfordshire.
He remembered how many times Miss Bingley had laughed at their low connections, You have every reason to think ill of me? What have I done that she should say such a thing? Oh God! Does she think I was complicit with Miss Bingley’s every snide and hurtful raillery? When I went into Hertfordshire everyone was unfashionable, and there really was none that had any beauty, yet Elizabeth caught my attention. She laughed at what I said at the Meryton ball 'She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me.’ Is she trying to pay me back for that awful comment? As he remembered his words, he saw Elizabeth's face and the look in her eyes as he had said it. Then he somehow realised that he had seen that same look in her eyes that evening, hurt and anger. If she was hurt then, why did she laugh? I cannot understand her. I hurt her that night! I knew it! What have I done? The woman torments my every move. She tortures me.
The memories of Hertfordshire kept rising, right up to the Netherfield ball. He could not be satisfied with the memory of his behaviour. How jealous he was when Elizabeth was dancing with that clergyman cousin, and when she danced with the officers. How Elizabeth provoked him when they finally danced together. He was obliged to tell her about Wickham. She accused him of being insensitive.
Then her family's behaviour during supper! Why did I not tell her when she so obviously wanted my side and had HIS side already? I remember such vulgarity and lack of propriety; I was right to say such things. How could such a family think that they had any claims to men such as myself or Bingley? Jane and Elizabeth, though, kept themselves away from it all, how had it happened that they had kept themselves away from the obnoxious behaviour? How is it that they grew up to blush for their relatives and to not expose themselves? It is true Mr Bennet had not been very improper. It had just been occasional flashes, but the mother! She really is NOT desirable as a mother in law.
As for the three youngest girls, they really are neither accomplished nor intelligent. The youngest especially is nothing but a common flirt – someone who will be used and cast aside by an unprincipled man, someone like Wickham! She'll disgrace the family, and ruin herself if something is not done. No, I did right to talk as I did about her family. As for removing Bingley from Jane, I had to! His family made their money in trade, and this generation is the first to be described as gentlemen and gentlewomen. They cannot afford more disgrace on their family name if they are to live in society. It might work were to be related to a family like mine through marriage, but given how unlikely that is for me, I certainly would never think of marrying Miss Bingley. I was right in what I did, besides Bingley would be miserable if his wife didn't return his affections, and Miss Bennet never showed affection. Miss Bingley was sure Jane's affections were not engaged.
A low growl escaped Darcy’s throat as he realised that Miss Bingley had most likely lied to him for her own ends. Something must be done about Miss Caroline Bingley. The woman is a millstone around Bingley’s neck! She not only exposes her family to ridicule but is the active reason why Bingley was not accepted better amongst the Ton. Miss Jane’s sister would have much better information than a trifling friend of an acquaintance. Although I doubt that Miss Bingley was unaware of Miss Jane’s affection for my friend. FITZWILLIAM DARCY! You total and utter FOOL!
Suddenly his comments and behaviour started to look different. He started to wonder if someone said those things about his relations, what he would feel or do, especially if someone removed a young gentleman from Georgiana because of something undesirable in her family. This did not change his opinions nor did he repine his mode of address, yet it did soften him towards Elizabeth's rejection, and soon he resolved that she must hear all of his reasons, his explanation, for his actions in both cases. He felt and knew that she would feel pain and hurt as she read it, but hopefully, if she understood she would think better of him. His anger toward Elizabeth slowly turned from her toward Wickham, then slowly he started to feel that there was possibly a case where he had laid the foundations himself.
Eventually, he checked his watch and found that he had been out from Rosings for four hours and that he should return. All the while the hot and cold flashes felt as if it was getting worse. Maybe he would feel better wrapped up by the fire with a glass of Scotch - no make that a decanter of Scotch! He did not desire to return. However, it was expedient. Lady Catherine would want to know where he had been, for he had said he would be gone for only 20 minutes. This recollection of Lady Catherine made him think of Elizabeth's behaviour here.
Elizabeth had managed except, maybe, for this evening to behave without reproach. She fitted so well in the drawing room at Rosings that her breeding was better than his aunt's! His mind refused to comprehend everything that had happened. The more he tried to make sense of it the more he could not. The more he thought things over the more befuddled his thoughts became, the more his head ached. By the time he returned to Rosings his head ached so that he could give only a brief apology for being away from the party so long, and then excuse himself. It took all his remaining determination and energy to write a rough draft of the letter that he would put into Elizabeth's hands tomorrow before he retired to bed. As much as possible he wanted Elizabeth to be the only one who knew about the letter; however, his head ached so badly it was impossible for him to write a neat letter. Eventually, weakness from a headache took over so much that he staggered to the bed and collapsed.
Chapte
r 16
More than kisses, letters mingle souls. John Donne
10th April 1812
The next morning Darcy awoke early, and although his head still ached, he was anxious to write a neat copy of his letter to Miss Elizabeth. It was long and detailed; he told her his reasons for interfering in her sister's and his friend's affairs. He told her how Wickham nearly ruined Georgiana and how Wickham had refused the living requested him and then came begging for it when the incumbent died.
It was a painful story for Darcy to write and he knew that it would be painful for Miss Elizabeth to read. She had no idea that she was wrong in her accusations, although he couldn't help wondering how he would have reacted had it been Georgiana who was in Miss Jane's shoes, separated from a man who had captured her heart, while those around her hadn't realised it. He didn’t like to think what he would do to them for breaking her heart. He began to think that Miss Elizabeth was right that Miss Jane's affections had been engaged, for though he had not seen it himself and Miss Bingley had assured him that they were not, he knew that Miss Bingley would have said anything to get her brother away from Miss Bennet. Besides, Elizabeth knew Miss Jane better than anyone else, and Darcy didn't doubt that Jane and Elizabeth were confidantes.
His head pounded and he thanked God that he had written the letter last night when his will could keep his mind straight. Now all he could do was simply copy it, word for word. More than once his head swam while he was writing and he had to pause to let his head clear. However, he had set his will and wrote the letter out neatly, then made an excuse after breakfast and went out into the park.
1811-1812 How It All Began- Part 1 Page 10