by Dani René
Memories assault me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get us out of there and home safely, I was shaking so much. Fury ran through my veins at the thought of me doing to Eva what I did to Emelia. Gulping the brandy down in one swallow, I allow my head to drop back against the window pane.
Tiny raindrops tap against the glass, lulling me into a false sense of security. With Eva asleep in my bed like she belongs there, like she’s always been there, and me here watching over her. Like we’re a normal couple. But I know we’re not, and I think she does too. When she wakes up, she’ll walk out. The same way Emelia did. And I’ll be left as the monster again. I know I am. Never once did I deny it.
The window seat where I’m perched offers me a view of her beautiful curves, which are covered by the comforter. She’s hidden, but I know every inch of her form. I watch her peaceful breaths for a moment, just taking in the softness of the woman I’d hurt earlier.
I’m not even a week into knowing her and I’m already watching her sleep, that addiction easily glaring at me. All the things I did with Emelia, I’m doing with her. Addicted to her taste, her smile, and her fucking tears. Everything.
It feels as if I’m watching all the ways she’s slowly turning me into someone I don’t recognize, someone I can live with, but I’ve fucked it by our scene. By allowing my monster to step into the light, into her light. I can’t keep her as much as I want to. I’m afraid I’ll take that beautiful soul and shatter it into a million pieces. Instead of being the Dominant she needs, I’m turning into a man she’s slowly falling for. I see her mind racing, her eyes holding the emotion that’s so dangerous for us both. That’s why I had to make sure she hates me. That when she looks at me again, she sees the dark, demented, fucked up fiend.
Guilt. Greed. Depravity.
Above all, there’s one emotion I hide. My world doesn’t allow for it. My desires don’t include love. How can you love someone that allows you to do that to them? I thought I loved Emelia, she thought she loved me, but it wasn’t love. It was lust.
Love is pure, beautiful. It’s an emotion you bestow on someone you want to lift into the light. Not someone you drag into the dark with you.
I don’t love Eva, not yet. It’s too soon, but I know that if she were to stay with me, I’d fall. And I’d fall hard. The problem is, I’ll pull her into my world and that’s not where she belongs. Even though her tastes are more volatile, she needs someone who can mend her, who can make her whole. I’m not him. I can never be that man for her.
Thoughts tumble through my mind. My fear of allowing someone to love me coils like a serpent waiting to attack and the poison it holds keeps me up late into the night. Most times I’ll sit here and watch the sun rise. I’ll see the light break through the dark and finally feel at ease. How is it a grown man is afraid of the dark?
Darkness. It’s where my secrets hide. It’s where my desires were born. And there’s no place for love.
“Nate?” Her voice startles me, her gaze lands on me in the dark. Even though she can just about make out my form in the room, she seeks me like a beacon. I can’t deny the tether between us, it’s real. Too fucking real.
“I’m here, sweetheart,” I assure her, pushing to my feet. I make my way to the bed while her eyes take me in. As soon as I slip under the covers, I pull her against me. Her soft sigh is the only thing that eases the ache in my chest at what I’m going to have to do. It feels as if I’m losing my mind. Perhaps I am. One part of me tells me to let her go, the other begs me to keep her.
Moments later, she’s asleep in my arms. Her body cocooned by mine. Held tight. Kept safe. Only hours to go before she walks out of my home and I’ll need to say goodbye. She may have agreed to the contract, the three weeks, but I can’t do this to her again. I can’t allow myself to hurt the woman that I’m holding as if she’s my lifeline. I’d rather sink into the darkest, murkiest depths.
In the dark, I find solace with her in my arms. I revel in the few moments I have with the woman that’s stealing pieces of me, holding them fast in her grip.
As I watch her sleep, a memory of the day I lost Emelia steals me.
It’s early morning, that much I know from the sun just peeking through the window. The shuffling of material woke me. When I roll over, I find Emelia getting dressed, her body moving slowly, and then she turns to me. Our eyes lock. Mine fall to her neck, taking in the blue and purple finger marks that I left last night.
“I’m leaving, Nate. I can’t be what you need,” she says sadly. The words jolt me into action, and I’m out of the bed in seconds. As soon as I get close to her she steps away, fear paints her expression. “Don’t.”
“Melly, please?”
“It’s the last time, Nathan, we’re two very different people, needing very different things. I may enjoy kinky, but…” she sighs, the agony clear in her voice.
“Look at me,” I order.
She lifts her chin, giving me a view of her bruised neck. I did that. The monster that I can no longer hide in the dark hurt her and now she’s leaving.
Anguish, as if I’m being sliced open, grips my chest and I half expect blood to be dripping from the flesh. “I can change. Go for help. You said you wouldn’t leave me.”
“I said I’d be your slave, not your fucking punching bag!”
“I never hit you!” I bite out, anger taking precedence, my body shuddering with rage. Fear and love, lust and desire all meld together in a dangerous storm.
“No, you didn’t. You hurt me in other ways, Nate. You made me love you,” she says. “I fell in love with the monster, the man, and even though they’re one person, I can’t live with either of them. Not anymore.”
“Melly, last night was…” I trail off my explanation because I don’t know what to say. How to keep her. I don’t know how to explain that my hunger for her takes control and I can’t help myself. “You wanted it. You could’ve called out your safe word. You know this.”
“Yes,” she sighs, dropping her gaze to the floor. “I just wanted to trust you wouldn’t go too far. I did trust you. I’m just not made for this… And… I love you, Nathan, but I can’t give you the dark you desire so much.”
“I told you I can’t love. I’ve never been able to feel anything other than what we have.” When I try to take a step closer to her she once again moves away, holding up her hand to stop me in my tracks. Her body shivers, her eyes are glossed over with tears which turns my blood cold with frustration.
“I’ve called a cab. Don’t call me. Just… don’t come near me again.” Her voice is filled with resignation. It’s over and it’s all my fault. My inability to love, to give her affection has ripped her from me.
“Melly, I can’t lose you.” The rasp in my tone drips with loss. As if part of me is being torn violently and I’m useless to stop it.
“Why? Why Nathan? Tell me you love me!” Anger dances in her eyes. Like the sun rising behind us, shedding light on our relationship, I see her, I see the tears I’ve caused. And I can’t answer her. I can’t tell her I love her because I’m not built that way. Love isn’t something I can feel. Yes, I care for her, I want her. Owning her is all I can do, and I know that’s not what she needs.
“I can’t.”
“Bullshit, Nathan! You refuse to even allow it near you. That’s exactly why I’m leaving. You allow your monster to rule your fucking life, Nathan. You are capable of so much, you can love! But you know what, you don’t want to. That’s your problem. And you know why?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, instead, she finally touches me by prodding my chest, shoving me backward and I can’t do anything to respond because I’m in shock at her fire. “Because you’re a fucking monster! You love hurting me! You get hard when you see me cry! Who does that? Only a vile fucking monster!”
The word rings in my head, I know I am. I know it’s true. Can I love? If I allow myself to feel, could I ever love Emelia? No. I know I can’t. I’ve never been able to.
Her eyes drop to my hands w
hich fist at my sides and a smirk, both angry and amused, curls her lips. She nods with knowing. Understanding paints her beautiful face, her eyes no longer glimmer with sadness, but pity.
“You knew who I was and what you were getting into, Melly. This,” I gesture between us with my index finger. “It’s something you walked into eyes wide fucking open. You saw my monster and you still loved me.” I hiss in frustration. If she thinks I’ll fall to my knees for a woman, she’s sorely mistaken. I may care for her, maybe even love her, but I will not be topped from the bottom.
“Goodbye, Nathan Ashcroft. I hope you burn in hell.” Her words are venom seeping into my veins. I want to hurt her right now. The need to bend her over, whip her with my belt is the only thing I can focus on. I can’t even bring myself to hold her, to want to wrap my arms around her and keep her safe. But who am I keeping her safe from when I’m the one who hurt her?
She spins on her heel, with her purse and coat in hand, I watch her walk out the door, slamming it and I’m left alone. Shutting my eyes, I allow the pain and agony to take hold. I don’t cry. I don’t feel sadness, I feel anger.
Tonight, I’ll walk into Sins and I’ll find a willing slut to take my punishment. And when I do it, I’ll picture her in all her naked glory. Those incredible curves, that long chocolate hair, and those eyes. Piercing, judging, pitying. Some pain slut will pay tonight.
12
Eva
Warmth cocoons me, but as soon as I roll over, pain jolts me upright. “Oh god,” I groan.
Hands, strong and gentle, stroke my back, my skin tingling from the sensation. When he touches me, it feels as if he’s a balm to my wounds. A healing force to the pain I once endured. Men are dangerous creatures. They’re also animals when it comes to hurting and healing, they’ll easily break someone, but putting that person back together is not in their forte.
After everything we went through last night, I should walk out immediately. Perhaps he thinks that too, but I can’t. There’s no way I can leave him. We both broke last night. We were two damaged souls coming together and with our fragmented pieces, they fit perfectly. It was as if both dark, shimmering parts had always been the missing portion of the other, creating an artwork fit for hell.
“Sweetheart,” he says. His voice is tentative, and I know why.
That same voice which gave me pain, pleasure, and surety last night, calms me in the bright light of day. Physical pain is easier to understand than emotional, it’s easier to come to terms with. Last night, it wasn’t what he’d done that changed us, or me, it was the way he cared for me after.
The tenderness he touched me with, and the affectionate words weren’t that of a monster. As much as he believes he is, I don’t see him as one. I see him as a man so deeply in need of love, that I already find myself falling. Can you love someone in such a short time? Is that even possible?
“What’s the time?” I ask, shifting onto my sore ass, attempting not to wince as I roll over. “Shit, that seriously stings,” I say, glancing up into his regretful eyes. “Nate?” I murmur, frowning.
“I’m sorry,” he says, breaking eye contact and shifting off the bed. He leaves me cold and lonely. His body is rigid. His eyes are swollen and the dark circles that surround them make those deep brown orbs black. It’s clear he didn’t sleep last night.
“For what?” I push off the bed slowly. My body aches and creaks as I move, but in the pain, I easily recall the pleasure he gave me. No man has ever been able to wipe away my fears the way he has. Since that night, when I went to a stranger for what I needed, no other man, not even Carrick, could bestow the darkened, sick desire I have for it, for breath play, for forced role play, for the things most women shy away from.
All my life I thought I was sick for wanting it. I thought I’d been broken by a man I trusted. Even when I let Carrick take my virginity, he couldn’t wash away the pain and agony of what had happened to me.
“I’ve called you a cab, it will be here in an hour. You need to eat and—”
“Wait!” Stalking over to Nate, I grip his arm, turning him to face me. “You’re sending me away?” I demand, anger slowly heating my skin, turning me livid with rage. “What the fuck, Nathan? You can’t do what you did last night and expect me to walk out of here. Am I not meant to choose? The contract still stands. Unless you want me gone. Was last night a fuck you goodbye?” I’m screeching by the time I finish my tirade, but he just watches me. Doesn’t move.
“I can’t be with you, Eva. I’m a monster. I’ll hurt you.”
Without thinking, I rear back, finding his cheek with my hand. I feel the sting as soon as I hear the sound. My palm smarts with the force of the harsh slap I’ve just delivered. “Fuck you!” Storming by him, I don’t make it very far when he’s on me. His body, so much larger than mine, tackles me to the soft red carpet. I grip the wool below my fingers, trying to drag myself from his vice grip, but I can’t. His hand is in my hair. His hips pin me to the floor.
“Eva, calm the fuck down,” he growls in my ear, but I don’t see past the anger and heartache he’s just caused. I can’t see him because my monster has come out to play, and she’s not happy. The mirror reflects us in an image of vileness. My head is tugged back; we stare each other down in the glass. “Look at that! Look! You see us? We’re fucked up, Eva.” He grunts forcefully in my ear, his lips on the smooth shell causing me to shudder with need that’s coiling low in my gut. “You need someone who’ll calm your storm.”
“I need someone who’s going to dance in my fucking hurricane and not run from it. If you’re such a fucking coward, then leave me alone. I’ll find another man who isn’t afraid.” My words are hateful, spitting venom where I know he’s hurting. We’re dangerous together, a force of nature that could most probably kill the other, but I know without him, I’ll be lost. “I’ll find a Master who’ll give me what I need if you’re so scared to give me you,” I spit angrily. I’m taunting him. Provoking him to do what I need. My words slam into him because when I look in the mirror again, his gaze has darkened.
Black.
Sinful, depraved, and filthy.
“I’m a fucking coward, am I?” he grunts, pressing his hips against my ass, which is still hurting from what he did to me last night, but I find myself squeezing my thighs, my body reacting, responding to the need for more. I crave the violence, I ache for it.
“Let me go, Nate,” I order, but it’s no use. He’s too far gone. He shoves my panties down. His fingers find my core easily. He knows my body better than I do. A smirk curls his lips when he probes my already wet hole.
“Seems like my sweet slut wants to play,” he says, his face grinning manically in the mirror. I raise my hips in response.
Yes, I do want to play. I want him. I need him. He’s the only one who understands my need.
“I want you, Nathan. I’ll sign the contract,” I manage to utter, stilling him immediately. His fingers inside my core, his hand fisting my long dark hair, his eyes boring into me. Piercing me with questions, confusion, and agony.
Before I have time to fathom what’s happening, he shifts off me, the heat of his body leaving me as he moves away. I’ve never seen a man so feral and so scared at the same time. Like an animal that’s been wounded, he scurries back on his ass, his cock hard, jutting out from his boxers. I’m on my knees, crawling toward him.
“Leave. Get out. I want you to go,” he commands.
“What?” I glare, shooting daggers from my eyes, hoping to kill him with a look. The room darkens like the stormy sky before a thunderstorm. It swirls around us as I move closer to him.
“Get the fuck out!” His voice booms around me, and I blink, my mind blank of responses because shock has stolen words from my brain. He doesn’t move and stupidly, I decide to go to him. I shouldn’t, his mood tells me to obey, but my heart, that fragile damaged muscle, tells me otherwise. I move toward him, my hand out in surrender.
“I’m not leaving you,” I tell him firmly, not
wavering in my response, no confusion in my voice. He looks up, his eyes trained on mine. When my hand touches his leg, he seems to flip from the enraged monster to a man and I see him.
He reminds me of the story of Jekyll and Hyde. Before my very eyes, as if a switch is flipped on and off, the man himself turns from one to the other. Monster and man. He’s fighting the dark with everything inside, but it taunts his soul as it slowly eats away at him.
“You should,” he sighs, finality in his tone. The sadness that now hangs around us is stifling. I need to do something to force it away.
Shaking my head, I manage to wiggle my way onto his lap, tugging the boxers down freeing his shaft. As soon as I straddle him, I feel the heat of his cock at my wet pussy. I don’t give him time to object, reaching between us, I grip his shaft, and slowly sink down onto him until he’s balls deep inside me. We’re connected. There’s nothing that can break this tether.
My hands find purchase on his shoulders. The tension eases at my touch, and I watch his head drop back in pleasure when I move. Allowing my hips to rock back and forth, moving slowly, gently at first, but when his hands grip my body, he moves me faster.
“Fuck me, sweet slut. Ride my cock,” he utters with his eyes shut so tight as if he’s in pain if I don’t, but in agony if I do. “Use me for your pleasure, I need you,” his words tumble between us, hanging in the air like promises, threats, and dangerous vows.
He lifts his head, opening his eyes, and watches me. Sweet and slow has never been my thing, I’ve never let it affect me. When I’ve been fucked, it’s been deep and hard, fast and brutal, but this is something else. Even though I’m on top, riding him, he’s very much in control. It’s not the angry fuck we had last night, or almost did moments ago, this is filled with affection.
His fingers stroke the skin on my hips, circling the smoothness, teasing and taunting me. I lock my eyes on his heated gaze. It’s electric, shooting currents through my veins, and every inch of my skin erupts in goose bumps. We may fight this, we may convince ourselves that it’s best if we part ways, but deep down we both know it’s a lie.