‘Uncle Archie?’
‘Yes, chérie?’
‘Why’s your moustache orange in the middle?’
‘Cigarettes. There’s something orangey in the smoke.’
‘If I go to bed, will you tell me an histoire?’
‘As long as you promise to get so bored that you go to sleep.’
‘I will when it’s dark.’
‘Dark soon,’ replied Archie. ‘Look at that sun, sinking like a ship.’
‘It’s on fire,’ said Esther. ‘It’s a wheel on fire.’
‘Come on, my darling,’ said Archie. ‘I’ll carry you in. Why don’t you pretend to be a wounded soldier, and I’m carrying you to safety?’
He stood up, and Esther flopped in his embrace. ‘Oh, I am blessée,’ she cried, ‘and I think I might die. Kiss me hardly.’
‘Say goodnight to Mummy and Daddy,’ said Archie, presenting her in turn to Rosie and Daniel for a kiss on the forehead. ‘I hope you’re cured by the morning,’ said Daniel.
‘It’s prob’ly fatal,’ said Esther.
Archie carried her indoors and laid her in her small bed. ‘There,’ he said, pulling the covers over her.
‘Now you’ve got to tell me a story.’
‘I’ll tell you one about Ali Anei, the elephant. I was told it by someone called “The Mad Major”.’
‘Why’s he called Ali?’
‘Because he is a Mohammedan elephant.’
‘And why is he called Annie?’
‘Because Anei means elephant.’
‘But Annie’s a girl’s name.’
‘Not Annie. Anei.’
‘Uncle Archie?’
‘Yes?’
‘What’s a Mohammeding?’
‘A follower of the prophet Mohammed. Look, it would take hours to explain. Do you want a story or an explanation of an entire religion?’
‘Story, please. Uncle Archie, does Mohammed like elephants?’
‘I’ve no idea, chérie. He was very fond of his camel, and it’s said that he liked cats, and he had one disciple who loved cats so much that his nickname was “Father of Kittens”, and I believe that in his will he left only one white mule. Can I tell you the story now?’
She nodded her head solemnly.
‘Once upon a time there was a big bull elephant called Ali Anei, and this elephant was the biggest and strongest in all Ceylon, and he lived with his wives and friends and relatives by a huge lake that was full of crocodiles, at the very edge of the jungle.
‘Now, one day in the dry season, he went down to the water to drink, and it so happened that there was a crocodile just under the surface, and when Ali put his trunk into the water, the crocodile said to itself, “Oh goody goody, a big grey wiggly sausage!” And he grabbed hold of it with his dreadful sharp teeth.’
‘Uncle Archie?’
‘Yes?’
‘What was it called?’
‘The crocodile? It was called Lord Palmerston.’
‘No it wasn’t!’
‘Was!’
‘Wasn’t wasn’t wasn’t!’
‘Was was was!’
‘Not!’
‘All right, it was really called Lieutenant Colonel Aloysius Reginald Arthur Quibbling Crockersnapper. Don’t you want to know what happened? Well, Aloysius the crocodile pulled hard on the trunk, and Ali Anei pulled back. Ali was much bigger, so he began to drag the crocodile out of the water.
‘Now, Lieutenant Colonel Crockersnapper’s best friend happened to be passing by, so he thought he’d lend a mouth, and he grabbed Crockersnapper’s tail in his jaws, and heaved backwards, but Ali was still too strong, and then Crockersnapper’s second-best friend came along and grabbed hold of the crocodile’s tail, but Ali was still too strong, and before you knew it there were ten crocodiles trying to pull him into the water so they could gobble him up.
‘Now, you might be wondering why Ali’s friends didn’t come to help, even though he was bellowing with pain and indignation. Were you wondering that?’
Esther shook her head.
‘Oh, never mind then. So, when there were ten crocodiles pulling, Ali felt himself beginning to be overpowered, and just then he noticed that he was next to a rubber tree, and he wrapped his tail around it.’
‘Trees aren’t rubber,’ said Esther. ‘They’re made of wood.’
Archie sighed resignedly, and said, ‘Very well, there was a wooden tree, and Ali wrapped his tail around it to anchor himself, and they all stayed like that for five hours because it was a complete stalemate.
‘Ali racked his brains for a solution to his predicament, and then he had a very good idea. He breathed in and breathed in and breathed in until he could inhale no more, and then, with all his might, he blew through his trunk, which by now was right down the crocodile’s throat. He blew so hard that the crocodile swelled up as round as a football, and he blew so hard that the crocodile expanded so much that quite suddenly it exploded – bang! – and all his friends fell back into the water with a big splash.
‘So that’s how Ali Anei defeated the crocodile, and he went back to his wives and friends and relatives, and showed them his wounded trunk, and he said, “You wouldn’t believe what just happened to me,” and he told them the story I have just told you, and they said, “Stop making things up,” because they really didn’t believe a word of it. But we know it’s true, don’t we?’
Esther looked at him sceptically in the gathering darkness and said, ‘Will you stay with me ’til I fall asleep?’
‘Of course I will.’
‘Uncle Archie?’
‘Yes?’
‘Where’s my birthday?’
‘Where? Don’t you mean “when”?’
‘No. Where is it?’
‘Um, well, I suppose it’s waiting for you just round the corner, and when it comes it’ll be here. Here in Ceylon. At Taprobane.’
‘Which corner?’
‘At Daddy’s tea factory, I expect. But don’t go looking for it, because it’ll see you coming, and just nip round the next corner.’
‘Why don’t balls have edges?’
‘Gracious me…I suppose that a ball is a solid body with only one edge if you think about it. Or perhaps it’s the only geometrical solid with no edges at all…I’m afraid you’ve got me there.’
‘Uncle Archie, how big is air?’
‘How big is air? Good Lord…well…um…it’s a big blanket a few thousand feet deep, and it wraps the earth up completely. I expect your father would know how big it is. He used to be a flyer. Ask him in the morning.’
‘Uncle Archie, why is “brought” not “bought”?’
‘Well, “brought” means “did bring”, and “bought” means “did buy”. Does that make sense? Do you think you’ll remember that?’
Esther nodded, and said, ‘I’m going to sleep now.’
She turned on her side and closed her eyes. Archie sat on his chair, leaning forward with his arms on his knees and his hands clasped together. He watched the child fading away into her dreams and thought he had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. He put out a hand to stroke the side of her head, but then withdrew it.
He would have loved to have had a child like this, and he wondered again why it was that he had quite deliberately cut himself off from any chance of living from a full heart. ‘Had it beaten out of me at Westminster,’ he said to himself. At prep school and then at public school he had learned to close himself off so completely during his ten years of thrashings, spartan training on the sports fields, and the Hobbesian war of all against all, that he knew he had become like the prisoner whose cell door has fallen open, but cannot go out into the light. ‘Why didn’t this happen to Daniel?’ he asked himself. Daniel had been thrashed and bullied and half starved as well, but he had
emerged with a heart open to the world. His own was in the darkness out of choice, it seemed. At home in England there was Rosie’s sister Ottilie, a good woman who loved him, with whom he could have enjoyed domesticity and children, but at the back of his mind was the knowledge that anyone who adored him as sincerely as she did must have something wrong with them, and should therefore be avoided. It was easier to love Rosie because she would never love him in return.
Archie observed the sweet little girl breathing softly and peacefully in the half-light, and felt tears well up. He closed his eyes and muttered, ‘Dear Lord, let this child live a long life full of happiness, and may she never suffer harm, and defend her from wars and disasters, and watch over her and protect her.’ He paused, then added, ‘And as far as I’m concerned, I don’t mind if you take me as soon as you like. Amen.’
After an hour had passed, Rosie came in to look for him, fearing that something was amiss. She put her head round the door, and saw Archie in the darkness, stock-still in his chair with his hands clasped together and his head bowed. ‘Is everything all right?’ she whispered. ‘Is she asleep? Supper’s ready.’
Archie looked up at her with sorrowful eyes, and said, ‘Tickety-boo. Perfectly splendid. Along in a minute.’
3
Archie and Rosie
As usual, Daniel left for the tea factory just after dawn, and when Rosie came out onto the terrace an hour later, she found Archie at the table with a pot of tea and half a dozen weapons laid out in front of him. One of them was dismantled, and he was pointing it at the sky in order to peer down the barrel.
‘Gracious me, what an arsenal,’ she said. ‘Is there a war on?’
Archie said, ‘Good morning, my dear, and what a lovely morning it is too. It’s splendid to see the mist burn off in the valley. It’s all so marvellously green, and the air is so breathable that I don’t even want to spoil it by smoking.’
‘Oh well, Ceylon is the second Garden of Eden, don’t you know,’ said Rosie. ‘According to the natives, Adam was sent here after the expulsion from Paradise. His footprint is on Adam’s Peak, but I haven’t seen it yet.’
‘The natives? I thought they were Hindus and Buddhists. What’s Adam to them?’
‘We’ve got plenty of Roman Catholics and Mohammedans too. It’s obvious from the names. Fernandos and da Silvas and Mohammeds in batches of a dozen. I think the Hindus even have Jesus as one of their gods. That’s what I’ve heard. What’s this very slender gun for?’
‘Snipe. It’s a close-range business, and you don’t want to make them inedible by blasting them to bits with a big dose of shot. It’s wonderful snipe shooting here; you can bag a thousand in a day.’
Rosie was horrified. ‘A thousand in a day? A thousand?’
‘Yes, indeed.’
‘Oh my goodness!’
Insensitive to Rosie’s horror, Archie ploughed on. ‘And this gun is a twelve-bore, but it’s got one smooth barrel and one rifled barrel, so you can put shot or a ball in one barrel and a bullet in the other. You know, a crocodile with one barrel and a peacock with the other.’
‘Crocodiles? Peacocks?’
‘Mm. And this one is good for dogs. You can use a dead dog as crocodile bait. There’s nothing a crocodile likes more than a dog. I understand that people do eat them in China. Never tried it myself, and never will, no doubt, unless I’m in China and having to be polite.’
‘Dogs?’
‘Yes, and this is the best of the lot. My pride and joy. It’s a Jeffery Nitro Express .600. Look, I even had my name engraved on it. It’s got Krupp barrels and a truly wonderful ejector mechanism.’
‘It’s absolutely huge. It must weigh a ton.’
‘It’s magnifique. The strike poundage is 8,700 pounds, and the velocity is 2,050 feet per second, and the safety isn’t automatic, so you don’t get caught out when the beast is charging straight at you and you’ve got no time for messing about. I’ll show you a bullet, if you’re interested. They’re absolute whoppers, packed with cordite, nickel-covered for penetration. Eighty-eight shillings a hundred. You don’t waste them.’
Rosie had a horrible suspicion, and asked, ‘So, is this an elephant gun then? Is that what you mean by “the beast”?’
‘Yes, bang on, my dear. It’s an elephant gun. It’s surprising what you can do with an elephant. You can make the feet into walking-stick stands, and I know someone who used a section of trunk to sheathe a biscuit tin. One always keeps the tail. If there is one, of course.’
Rosie sat down heavily and trembled. Archie looked at her with concern. ‘What’s the matter, my dear? Are you quite all right?’
She suddenly lost control of herself. ‘Crocodiles? Dogs? Peacocks? A thousand snipe? Elephants? I can’t believe my ears. Are you completely mad? What is the matter with you? Walking-stick stands? Trunks for biscuits?’
‘My dear –’
‘Don’t you know that people love dogs? And peacocks are too beautiful…and…and…a thousand snipe in a day?’
‘But, Rosie…my dear –’
‘I am not your dear! Don’t call me that! You’re despicable! A bloodthirsty maniac! And elephants! Don’t you know that elephants live in families like us? And they’re intelligent and sensitive, and the natives use them for work? And you’re going round making them orphans and widows? Archie, I’m sorry, but you utterly disgust me.’
‘But, Rosie!’
‘I’ve said what I feel. All this slaughter of innocent animals is utterly vile!’
Archie stood up slowly, devastation written all over his face. ‘Rosie, listen,’ he said, with desperation in his voice. ‘Innocent animals? But, my dear –’
‘Don’t call me your dear. I’m not! And I like to be called Rosemary. How many times do I have to remind you?’
Archie went to the table and picked up his precious Jeffery.600. He went to the edge of the terrace, took the gun by the ends of the barrels, and hurled it out over the hillside. It turned lazy circles through the air as it described its arc down into the bushes below.
‘I’ll be off now,’ he said, turning round, and taking out his silver cigarette case. He removed a cigarette and, with shaking hands, put it between his lips. He took his lighter from his pocket, and pressed the lever several times. When it failed to ignite he flung it over the hillside in the wake of his rifle. ‘Please ask Daniel to forward my possessions to the Grand Hotel in Nuwara Eliya.’
Leaving Rosie open-mouthed on the terrace, he went inside and found Esther standing behind the door, where she had been listening to her mother shouting. Archie kissed her on the top of her head and said, ‘Goodbye, little darling. I’ve no idea when I’ll see you again.’
‘Uncle Archie, don’t go,’ she said.
‘Got to,’ he replied. ‘Pas de choix.’
‘Uncle Archie, were you alive in the olden days?’
* * *
—
That evening, Daniel came in and gathered Esther into his arms, carrying her out to the terrace.
‘Uncle Archie did go,’ said Esther.
‘Go? Where?’
‘Down the hill.’
‘Where’s Archie?’ he said to Rosie, who was sitting somewhat rigidly in her wickerwork chair, hands clasped across her distended stomach.
‘I believe he’s walking to Nuwara Eliya,’ she replied.
‘What? Walking? To Nuwara Eliya? It’s bloody miles!’
‘Yes, he asked me to ask you to forward his things. To the hotel.’
‘Why? What’s happened?’
‘I’m afraid we had a falling-out. I got angry about him killing all the animals, and he threw his elephant gun over the hillside, and he just went.’
‘Oh God,’ said Daniel, ‘you know how he feels about you! And you’ve been shouting at him, I suppose?’
‘Well, I did shout a
bit. You know I can get heated. When I feel very strongly.’
‘About shooting elephants?’
‘And other things. Snipe, crocodiles. He even said he shoots dogs for crocodile bait.’
‘You shoot rabid dogs, and you shoot pariah dogs who are taking livestock, at the request of the villagers,’ he said stonily. ‘No one shoots them for fun.’
‘Oh, really? Oh dear. But elephants! They have families, and they’re so sweet and intelligent. And such useful workers.’
‘Well, the solitaries aren’t.’
‘The solitaries?’
‘The rogues. The periya aliens. The ones who’ve been expelled from the clan. They’ve often lost their tail in a fight. They rampage in the villages and trample the huts. They’re an absolute menace. In the absence of lunatic asylums for mad elephants, you have to shoot them. Archie shoots rogues, and it’s always at the request of the natives or the local authorities. You need a special licence to kill any other kind of elephant. It costs a hundred rupees, and you have to get one for each province. Archie can’t afford to go round spending a hundred rupees at a time, can he? He had a request when he was in Colombo. There are two rogues in the jungle behind Trincomalee. In the Eastern Province. Didn’t he tell you?’
‘Oh gosh,’ said Rosie, putting her hand to her mouth.
‘You have to shoot from virtually point-blank. The shots have to go straight into the elephant’s brain or the beast just keeps on charging. You only have two bullets to fire before you’re trampled to death. I wouldn’t do it for love or money. Archie’s braver than I am, that’s for sure. It’s heroism of the first water.’
Rosie’s eyes began to fill with tears. ‘He said…he said you can take a thousand snipe in a day. A thousand!’
‘The bag,’ said Daniel coldly, ‘is distributed to the villagers. It’s their one chance of a good feast, once in a blue moon. And there are literally millions of snipe around every tank. That’s why it’s so easy to get a thousand of them.’
‘And the crocodiles?’
‘I think you know the answer already, don’t you?’
Rosie nodded, but Daniel continued anyway. ‘Some of them get a taste for children and dogs. They can pull a grown man under and drown him before they eat him. And they’re eminently edible, especially the tail.’
So Much Life Left Over Page 2