Chance’s hands gripped either side of his head. He leaned forward again and Ana tipped over with him. She readjusted herself, sitting upright, and slipped out from behind him. Dropping onto the floor, she sat in front of him and put her hand on his ankle.
He said with a shaky voice, “I didn’t want you to know. And there’s no way to hide it now. I wanted to protect you from what I’ve seen and done. I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy. My nightmares aren’t even private . . .”
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t by choice. It’s just been happening. I don’t have any control over it—I don’t think. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. I know there are things you don’t want to burden me with, some things I probably already know, but I can handle it and I want to help you through this. If you can’t trust me with your darkest memories and fears, then why get married.”
Her words hung heavy in the air and Chance stared at her from under his curtain of long, black hair, unblinking. Thumping filled her ears and she realized it was her own heartbeat. “Just so you know, I’m not letting you out of this that easy,” she said.
Chance reached out so suddenly that it startled her. His hand slipped around her side and pulled her to him. His nose hovered millimeters from her own and his breath mixed with hers. “Ana, you are everything to me—I love you. If I didn’t have you in my life, there wouldn’t be any point. I would do anything for you.”
With her eyes open, Ana grazed her lips against his and whispered, “I know.”
His fingers traced down her cheek, and then her neck. A chill traveled throughout her bones and she shuddered. He said, “I’ve been selfish. I need you in my life. Even though I thought you wouldn’t love me after discovering what I’ve been hiding, I decided to keep it from you anyway. But it’s not just you I wanted to keep it from. I don’t even want to think about anything that I’ve done or seen since this nightmare started. It’s too much.”
Chance lifted her to her feet. He rested one hand on her low back, drawing her into him, and the other cupped her neck. His hair dangled between them and tickled her nose. Her heart raced and her stomach dropped.
He whispered, “It’ll be hard for us both, but we’ll get through it. I’ll be honest with you and try to be more open, but you have to be patient with me.”
Ana nodded. “I promise.”
“Mac started working with me today. He asked me to remember the day I met him, and when I . . . hurt him. I’m not proud of what happened, but he did make me realize it wasn’t really me that wanted to knock him out to begin with. It wasn’t my voice that I heard pushing me to act. It was his.”
“Mac’s? Batukhan’s?” Ana asked, feeling confused.
“No. The voice from the dream tonight. I don’t know who it was, but it was him behind everything. Everything. He was responsible for all of their deaths. All of them.” The tender look in his eyes had left and a sick, almost frantic expression replaced it.
“Whose deaths?”
“Grandfather, Balam, Nastas, my great-grandmother, Markus and his family, Mai, Grandfather’s father and brother—the list goes on. Even Lifen was killed by the psycho!”
Ana brushed her fingers along his cheeks. “Shh, he’s gone now. He’s gone.”
She wasn’t really sure if that was true. Even though the voice was gone, it had left its mark. The memories were still there for Chance to deal with. She wished she could do something to help him, to take the pain away.
His panting slowed and he nodded quickly. “Yeah. Right. But do you understand I know these things because I’ve seen them? I tasted my great-grandmother’s blood in my mouth, watched her die because of what I did.”
Ana was speechless for a moment while his words sank in, but she was spurred to answer from the agony radiating from his pores. “No, not you. It wasn’t you. It was him.”
“Right. It’s hard for me to separate the two, since that voice became a part of me.” He shuddered beneath her fingertips.
She was consumed with the need to fix him, to help him. He was hurting and she wanted to do what she could to heal his pain. It was clear to her just how traumatized he’d become after his “sickness.” Sickness. That word was so misleading. It was more like being kidnapped or body snatched. She was just happy he wasn’t suffering from Stockholm syndrome or that he’d been lost to the voice in his head. She’d helped him just in time.
Ana triggered herself into meditation. Energy flowed throughout her body, traveling like a superhighway. Her skin pulsed with sensation and she began to see luminescent motes swirling upward. Chance’s body shimmered in the darkness and she marveled at his light. She pushed out her power without even thinking about it.
“Whoa, what are you doing?” he asked.
“Trying to help.”
“But you’re glowing. Is that normal for healers?”
Ana was surprised by his statement. She was glowing? She thought shifters couldn’t see energy. “That’s odd. I’d ask Lifen about it, but she’s not here.”
He seemed to be lost in thought when he asked, “You want to stay with me tomorrow when I meet with Mac? It’s not going to be any more fun that it was tonight. It sucks, actually. I hate it, but he says it’s important for me to go through these memories so I can let them go. Seems more like he’s trying to torture me for clubbing him with a lit branch.” Chance smirked. “He’s actually pretty funny. He and your Aunt Tera would probably make an odd pair if they ever met.”
Ana remembered him dishing out the cake he’d made earlier that night and laughed. Blueberries had formed the shape of a large smiley face on top. At the time, she was too worried about the voices and memories she’d seen, but now she was ready to find the amusement that the situation deserved. Plus, it felt good laughing with Chance.
He must have been thinking the same thing, because his lips parted into a wide grin and he pulled her into an embrace. They took a collective sigh and she relaxed into his warm body.
Ana stroked his hair at the base of his skull. “Listen. Even though I don’t think you have to be forgiven of anything, because I know you and I know who you are deep inside, I believe you did everything you could to keep me safe. I just experienced your memories through your dreams and I am confident that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I felt the poison of that voice in your head and the power it had on you. I forgive you for everything you think you did wrong, but I know that all of the choices that you made that hurt me were to try to keep me safe. All of the choices to hurt me for other reasons weren’t yours and I know that. I just hope you do too.”
Chance’s breath heated her neck, causing a chill to run down her back. He mumbled, “I missed you so much and wanted to be with you. It was confusing hearing so many voices tearing me in opposite directions. I began to lose track of my own voice. The loudest one of all seemed to agree with me, that it would be best to find you and be with you again. I wish I could have seen through his intentions.”
It was clear he blamed himself for everything. She doubted anything she said to him would really help. He was still in a dark place, but at least he was talking to her about it now.
Ana pulled away and held his hands in hers. “I’m proud of you. You may not see anything good in your actions, but I do. You left to protect me. Right?” She searched his eyes and could see him contemplate her question.
“Yeah, after Markus died.” He swallowed hard and continued. “I looked at you. I felt your power and wanted to have it. The sudden loss of control freaked me out. I knew I wasn’t safe to be around so I left before I made any other decision. I couldn’t let myself hurt you.”
“Always my protector.” Ana kissed his nose, trying to lighten his mood.
“And I missed seeing you learn about your powers while I was gone.”
His hands gripped hers and his head hung low, touching his chest. She hooked her finger under his chin and lifted it up so he could look into her eyes. “I wish none of this had happened to us, but it did. There’s
no changing it. We can’t get dragged down because life keeps hitting us repeatedly with a Mack truck.” Her words brought back the memory of a speech her mother gave to her before a medical procedure when she was young. She leaned in to Chance. “We have this point forward to make all new memories together. I can’t wait to go flying with you. It’s something I’ve dreamt of since I knew you were a shifter.”
For the second time that night, he smiled at her. Her heart fluttered in excitement. She marveled at the physical reaction she had to his attentions and wished it would never end. He leaned in and his mouth found hers.
When they parted after their kiss, he whispered in her ear, “What did I do to deserve you?”
“I ask myself the same thing all the time.”
Chapter 6
The next morning Ana woke alone. She’d expected to see Chance lying by her side, but only found an indent in the bed from where he’d slept.
Tired after staying up talking with him, she was in a better place than she’d been last night at bedtime. When she’d first laid her head on the pillow, she was frightened over the strange voices and visions she’d experienced. But it was clear to her that she’d been psychically connecting to Chance during waking hours and that the foreign memories were his. She wasn’t afflicted with the sickness herself, which was beyond good news and worth a silent prayer of thanks, but it gave her a taste of what he’d gone through. Rattled after each experience, she couldn’t imagine how he’d withstood a month of it. His strength amazed her.
Beyond her conflicting emotions, Ana was relieved that he was finally willing to open up to her. The evil that his mind had housed was frightening. He’d changed, but so had she. Ana had faith they could overcome the obstacles together.
After a quick shower, she pulled on a sweater, jeans and her slippers. Brush in hand, she shuffled down the hallway while she attempted to free her hair of its tangles. Soft light came in from the living room windows and it bounced off the white walls, illuminating the house with an ambient glow.
Noises came from the kitchen. She expected to see Jordan hard at work at the stove, but instead, saw Chance with a carton of eggs open, a mixing bowl and flour on the counters. His hair was rumpled, sticking up in places, a bad case of bedhead.
When he saw her he said, almost sheepishly, “You’re up already?”
“Yeah, I’m starved,” Ana answered while she eyed the ingredients.
“I wanted to surprise everyone with breakfast since I’ve been…well, hard to be around. I’m going to try to fix things. Can you go to the living room and pretend you never saw me? Maybe grab everyone as they get up?”
Chance walked up to her and placed a tender kiss on her cheek while blocking her view into the kitchen.
Ana was baffled. “I didn’t know you could cook.”
He rubbed at the bags under his eyes. “I don’t really, but it’s amazing what kind of ‘idiot’s guides’ you can find on the Internet when it comes to cooking. Do you know, is there a difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon?”
She frowned. “Huh?”
“Kidding, now get out of here.” He pushed her away while giving her one last kiss.
Ana returned to the living room and sat cross-legged on the carpet. Mac let himself in through the front door and he walked across the living room to join her. Then one by one, the others emerged from the opposite side of the house and she called them over to wait with them. Smells filled the house that made her belly growl.
Finally, Chance walked down the hallway and announced, “Breakfast’s ready.”
Everyone got up and followed him to the dining room, where a plate was mounded with steaming pancakes. Syrup and butter sat alongside a stack of plates and forks.
Derek eyed the food, then Ana. “Thanks.”
Chance sighed. “Don’t thank me until you try them. I lost a piece of eggshell in the batter—”
Derek shrugged, then grabbed four pancakes and put them on a plate. Jordan quietly did the same and sat beside Batukhan, who said, “Thank you for the gesture.”
The only person who seemed excited about the food outside of Ana was Mac. The guys were unenthusiastic at best. Chance knew what they thought of him. If he were in their shoes, he’d think he was a jerk. It would take more than breakfast to make up for his attitude over the last few days.
Ana looped her arm around Chance’s waist and gave him a squeeze. “Know what this reminds me of?”
While he watched the others begin to eat, he said in an undertone, “Yeah, I was thinking of him this morning. Even though his voice isn’t really in my head anymore, I can still feel him. Balam would have done this for everyone.”
“It was really sweet of you.” Before she could say anything more, a vision of a woman lying motionless on a stone floor moved through her thoughts. Ana caught her breath and held still. She’d never seen this woman before and was temporarily confused by the memory. Then she realized Chance was holding his breath too and gripping the back of a chair so tight his fingers were white.
“Who is that?” she asked in a gentle tone.
Her question pulled him from the faraway place he’d been lost in. “Wha?”
“The woman. Who is she?”
Chance glanced around the room and observed the guys stuffing their faces full of pancakes. “When I think of Balam, I can’t help but think of his wife—my great-grandmother. I have the memory of her murder in my head. When I think of him, I think of her.”
Ana placed her hands on his chest and pushed soothing energy into him. She matched her breathing to his. Chance’s tense muscles began to release and he looked up at her. She didn’t say a word. There wasn’t anything she could say to make it better. A minute went by before she reached for his hand and led him to an empty seat. She sat beside him and placed some pancakes on two plates. He began to eat wordlessly and she sighed in relief. When she looked up, she felt Mac’s eyes on them both and knew that their hushed conversation hadn’t gone unnoticed. Based on appearances he seemed like a nice man, but she didn’t like how his eyes were always on her and Chance.
Mac placed his fork on his empty plate. “Chance, is it okay if Ana joins us today?”
Between bites, Chance answered, “Yeah.”
Ana was relieved to be included. She’d been curious about Mac’s knowledge. He was after all, just a shifter. How could a he know enough about healing to help Chance recover from the sickness?
After everyone had their fill of breakfast, Jordan and Derek cleared all of the dirty dishes. Batukhan announced, “Okay, boys. Get yourselves ready and we’ll head out to visit the animals.”
“What about meditation?” Jordan said. “We always meditate first before shapeshifting lessons.” He looked concerned at the change of schedule.
“When we were out there yesterday, I noticed some of the cages and stalls could use some deep cleaning. A shapeshifter should be more connected with animals and the natural world around them. It does not appear you have been showing respect to the creatures who assist you in your education.”
Jordan and Derek avoided looking Batukhan in the eye. Derek said to Ana, “Guess we’ll see ya sometime next week.”
“Have fun,” Ana answered and watched them turn down the hallway behind Batukhan.
Mac pulled his long, black hair into a ponytail at the base of his neck and grinned. “I’m glad Ana will be joining us today. Why don’t we work in the meditation room?”
They walked across the wood floors and slid open the rice paper doors to the meditation room. Ana automatically settled onto a round cushion and faced the windows. Chance sat beside her while Mac carried something to his spot in front of them. He set a wide candle on the ground and lit it. The flame danced carefree, licking at the oxygen in the air.
Ana thought of the energy practice that Lifen had assigned to her when she had first arrived at the house. How challenging it had been to control the absorption of power around her. She’d accidentally pulled in the others’ en
ergy during morning meditation. Now, she didn’t even have to concentrate while pushing her yellow light outside of herself or while drawing in the power around her. She wondered how Mac would use it.
“Yesterday, I had Chance focus on the candle while he thought back to a memory. Focusing on a single thing can help the mind release the clutter. I think we’ll use it in a similar way today.” Mac’s brown eyes sparkled in the morning light. He sat erect on his cushion with his hands hanging limp on his knees. “I couldn’t help but notice at breakfast you two discussing something that seemed upsetting to Chance. I have also noticed your change of heart to involve Ana with your healing. Is there anything you want to share with me?”
Chance remained silent while he studied his hands. When he spoke, he looked at Ana. “You can tell him about last night.”
Her hair tickled her ears, so she swept it over her shoulder. Yesterday when she’d told Batukhan about her telepathic ability, he’d kept silent, but she hoped that Mac would offer her more information. He appeared to know something about healing so maybe he’d be forthcoming about her interesting talent.
“I should start at the beginning. I’m sure you know that I’m a shifter and healer, but I don’t know if you know how I became one.”
Mac answered, “Yes, I asked Batukhan about it yesterday and he told me about Chance’s sacrifice and how he is still alive today. Your grandfather honored you with the gift of his life.” His gaze settled on Chance, who kept staring at his own hands.
Mac returned his attention to Ana. She launched into the backstory. “Well, I didn’t come into my powers until we were in Mexico a few months after Chance saved me. But during the time in between, I’d have these dreams of this place. I could hear Lifen calling to me. And when Chance had the sickness and we were separated, I’d dream of him—see him, like it was real. Since he’s been back, I’ve been hearing things while I’m awake and I’m seeing memories that aren’t mine. For a minute I was worried I’d gotten the sickness too, but last night I realized I’m still reaching out to Chance with my mind. I shared the dream he was having—his memory of when he found me the other night.”
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