She moved closer to the bed and sat near his injured arm. “If that’s true, then why do this? Why try to kill you?”
“I’m not sure he was trying to kill me. I think he was just letting me know he could if he wanted to.”
When her brow wrinkled in obvious doubt, he shifted his hand over hers and squeezed her fingers, even though it sent pain spiraling up through the wound in his shoulder. “Killing me wouldn’t give him the thrill tormenting me does. He’s a good shot. When I was young, he used to take me out into the woods so he could shoot beer cans with his pistol. He made me hold a couple a time or two. Scared the shit out of me, but he never missed. He thought it was funny as hell. He wants me to be scared, Raegan. That’s why he went after you. That’s why he did this. He was no more than twenty-five yards away from me when he fired today. If he’d wanted to kill me, I have no doubt he could have.”
Raegan’s eyes slid closed, and the look of utter torment on her face pushed Alec up to sitting. He cringed at the pain but lifted his good arm and slid his hand around the back of her neck, then rested his forehead against hers. “Don’t worry, okay? What he did today was a stupid move. The cops will be all over him now. This is a good thing, Raegs. They’ll catch him. He’s not smart enough to hide for long. And when they find him, we’ll know what he’s been up to and how he’s involved in all this. He won’t be able to hurt us anymore.”
“And what if you’re wrong?” she whispered. “What if they never find him?”
Alec’s stomach tightened. He knew one person who might have a good idea where to find Gilbert. He’d given Hunt her name, but when Hunt had contacted her, she’d told him she hadn’t seen Gilbert in over a year. Alec suspected she was lying, knew she would always cover for Gilbert, but he hadn’t gone out to talk to her yet because he hadn’t wanted to leave Raegan alone. He’d also never wanted her to see the kind of dump where he’d grown up.
He couldn’t ignore her any longer, though. He’d do anything to keep Raegan safe, even face all the old demons from his childhood, no matter how sickening they might be.
Throat thick, he said, “If they haven’t caught him by the time we get out of here, I have a good idea where to look.”
Raegan lifted her head and stared into his eyes. “Where?”
In the doorway, Alec spotted Ethan and his mother. Not the mother who’d birthed him but the one who’d raised him and shown him the true meaning of love.
“Alec?” Raegan asked.
Ethan had clearly called the whole family in. Things were about to get chaotic. He drew a breath that did shit to make him feel better and refocused on Raegan. “With Charlene Briggs. The woman I once stupidly thought was my mom.”
Raegan’s nerves felt as frayed and charged as a snapping electrical wire.
She watched Hannah follow the imaging tech as the man wheeled Alec’s bed out of the room and down the hall to get pictures of Alec’s shoulder. The woman had breezed in and taken control of the situation like the seasoned ER physician she was. It didn’t matter that this wasn’t her hospital or that her son was complaining he was a thirty-two-year-old man who didn’t need his mommy going with him. Hannah knew what needed to be done and was making it happen. Something Raegan wished she had the strength to do at the moment.
She didn’t even have a clue where to start.
Silence settled over the empty bay. Since Ethan had stepped out to call their father and other siblings to let them know Alec was going to be fine, and since Hunt was still off on a call to the Portland PD checking on John Gilbert’s location, Raegan was alone. Lowering herself to the blue plastic chair near the wall, she tried to settle her strumming nerves but couldn’t. And the way her hands wouldn’t stop shaking wasn’t helping at all.
Be tough. You can get through this.
Yeah, except this time that internal mantra wasn’t working. Alec could have died today because of her. He could have died today, and she could have lost him all over again.
A tremble rushed through her, and she dropped her head into her hands. An hour ago, she’d thought quitting her job was the most traumatic thing in her life. That now seemed like nothing compared to this.
“Cops are heading down to KTVP to get a statem—” Hunt’s voice cut off, and his boots squeaked to a stop in the doorway. “Where’s Alec?”
Be tough . . . “They took him for pictures,” Raegan answered, not lifting her head, focusing only on breathing so she didn’t totally lose it in front of Alec’s best friend.
Silence, then Hunt said, “Are you okay?”
No, she wasn’t okay. The man she loved had nearly been killed all because she couldn’t stop searching for answers she might never find. And on top of that, she couldn’t shake the doubts circling in. The ones she’d worked so hard not to give a voice to over the years because if she did they would break her. The ones that were already whispering . . . What if you’re wrong? What if she’s already dead? Are you willing to risk Alec too?
“Raegan?” Something soft touched her elbow, and she realized Hunt was sitting in the chair beside her, clearly unsure what to say or do, but she couldn’t even lift her head.
“I’m fine.” Hot tears burned her eyes and spilled over her lashes before she could stop them. “I’m really . . . fine.”
“Shit.” Hunt slid an arm around her shoulder and awkwardly pulled her against him. He patted her shoulder while she fought the useless tears that didn’t want to stop. “It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Alec’s safe.”
“I know that.” She sniffled, hating that she was breaking down in front of Hunt of all people, but unable to stop it from happening. The weight of everything seemed to be crashing down around her. She wanted so badly to believe that Emma was alive, but at what cost? She couldn’t lose Alec again. Not because of her stubbornness.
She swiped at the stupid tears, screamed at herself to be tough, and pushed away. “I know he’s going to be fine, but he wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me.”
“How do you figure? You didn’t pull that trigger.”
“No, I just gave John Gilbert a reason to do it.”
Hunt’s brown eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know.” She swiped at her useless tears. “We don’t have any proof Emma’s alive.”
“No,” he said cautiously. “But you don’t have any proof she’s not alive either.”
Raegan’s shoulders dropped. “I know that. I just . . .” She blinked rapidly and looked across the room, hating what she was about to say. “I’ve been holding on to something so tightly these last few years, afraid if I loosen my grip at all I’ll fall into an abyss. Just . . . cease to exist. And I worked so hard to make sure that didn’t happen, I let everything else around me crumble—my relationship with my parents, my friendships, even my marriage.” Tears welled up again, and she closed her eyes against the sting and shook her head. “I can’t let that belief destroy Alec.”
“Whoa.” Hunt gripped her by the arms and turned her to face him. “Slow down. Let’s start at the top . . . your parents, well, I don’t know a whole lot about them except that Alec once told me you always had a tense relationship with them. If they haven’t been there for you these last few years, then that’s their issue, not yours. Your friends? I can speak from experience when I say that friends don’t always know the right thing to say or do when a kid goes missing. I’m sure any friendships you let drop weren’t your doing, and if those people bailed on you, then they weren’t real friends to begin with. And as for your marriage . . . you need to remember that it takes two people to make a marriage work, just as it takes two to end one. You love your kid, Raegan. You want her to be safe. Believing she’s alive isn’t wrong.”
Raegan’s heart twisted. “Alec loved her too.”
“Yeah, well.” The edge of Hunt’s lips turned down as he let go of her to rest his forearms on his knees. “Alec’s got issues. We both know that. He dealt with Emma’s disappearance the
only way he knew how. Was it the right way? Hell, no. But he’s not that guy anymore. And for what it’s worth, from what Alec’s told me about these cases, I think he’s starting to come around to your way of thinking.”
That’s what she was afraid of. Her heart pinched so hard, she had to breathe through the pain. “And what if I’m wrong? Alec’s already starting to think Emma’s disappearance is linked to these cases, and no matter what you say, that is my fault. I asked him to look into these missing kids with me. I pushed him to investigate something he wouldn’t have looked twice at otherwise. No, I didn’t pull the trigger today, but if Gilbert’s involved in all this, then I indirectly gave him a reason to go after Alec. I put Alec in jeopardy because of something I can’t let go. I don’t want to keep doing that.”
“The cops are going to catch Gilbert. He can’t hide after today. I bet he’s already on the run. He fucked up, Raegan. I know you don’t think so, but what happened today was probably a good thing.”
“I’m not talking about Alec being shot.”
Confusion drew Hunt’s brows together. “Then what are you talking about?”
She drew in a shaky breath that did nothing to alleviate the crushing pressure in her chest. “What if Alec gets his hopes up that Emma is alive, and at the end of this search we find something terrible? Do you think he can survive something like that? Because I’m not so sure he can. Ethan told me what Alec tried to do after the divorce. When I heard he’d been shot today, I just . . .”
She blinked rapidly against the tears. “I know in my head they’re two separate events. I’m not crazy, you know? But the whole time I was standing next to him by that bed, even when I knew he was okay, all I could see was that image of him in his kitchen with that bottle and that”—she swallowed hard and barely got the word out—“gun.” Her eyes slid closed as the tears slipped down her cheeks once more. “I can’t be the reason for that again. I can’t let my need to believe destroy him.”
Hunt sighed and stared down at the floor, and he was silent so long, Raegan wasn’t sure he was still there. But then he surprised her when he said, “I know you’ve always thought I didn’t like you, Raegan. I want you to know that’s not true. I think you’re smart and witty and fun. I think you’re a really great woman. I never thought you weren’t enough for Alec. Actually, I always thought the opposite was true.”
She wasn’t sure where he was going, but wondering gave her time to pull herself together and listen. Swiping at the tears, she looked at him and waited.
“Alec,” Hunt said, looking up at the ceiling as if trying to find the right words, “has an addictive personality. It’s why he turned to alcohol as a kid and why he’s struggled with it since. It’s why he got hooked on a career that puts him in dangerous places all over the globe and why he doesn’t quit. And it’s why he fell so hard for you when you two met.” He turned to look at her. “I lived with him in college. I saw him date lots of girls. I never saw him fall as hard and fast as he did with you. You became his new addiction. You filled that empty place inside him in a way alcohol never could. And when it was great, it was like a high he never knew before. But when it wasn’t, and when everything happened with Emma . . .”
Hunt looked across the room, his expression somber. “You have to know it wasn’t just guilt that ate at him because he was the one who was with her that day. It wasn’t just that she was gone. He loved her—you’re right—he still loves her, as much as any parent could. It was you. When he had to tell you she was gone, when he saw how it shattered your heart . . . that’s when everything tipped for him.” He shook his head. “If you’d been any of those other girls Alec dated, I think he could have gotten through it. He would have hurt like a bitch. He would have missed Emma like crazy, and he still would have carried a shit ton of guilt because he was there when she disappeared, but I think he would have found a way through the pain. Maybe today he’d even have the same faith you do that Emma’s out there somewhere. But because it was you, that didn’t happen.”
Tears welled in Raegan’s eyes again, blurring her vision as she listened, the truth in his words slamming into her hard and stealing her breath.
“He loves you more than he should,” Hunt said plainly. “More than is healthy. He always has. I saw it before, and I stayed out of it because it wasn’t my place. But now . . . well, you asked.” He turned and met her gaze. “Could he survive getting his hopes up about Emma and possibly having them crushed? Yeah, I think he could. What he can’t survive is breaking your heart again. And I don’t know how you stop that from happening when the odds things are going to work out the way you want are . . .”
He cut himself off and looked back down at the floor, and as Raegan struggled to breathe she knew he was trying to save her more pain. But she didn’t want to be saved from it. Not anymore. She needed to face the facts and stop being blinded by hope because this wasn’t about her. It was about Alec.
And these were the facts. In the United States, one child goes missing or is abducted every forty seconds. Stranger kidnappings target more females than males. In nonfamily kidnappings, 20 percent of children reported to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children are never found alive. And 74 percent of children who are ultimately murdered are dead within the first three hours of an abduction.
Raegan knew those facts by heart. Had beat them into her brain after Emma’s disappearance. And she’d rationalized that her daughter was not one of those statistics because they had no proof either way. For three years, blind faith had kept her going, had made her believe Emma would eventually be one of the 80 percent found alive. She’d even convinced herself that Emma had made it past that three-hour window because the other option was just too horrifying to consider. But now . . . now she didn’t know what to believe. One stuffed animal found in the back of a car didn’t mean anything. Every day that passed, their chances of finding her alive and healthy and whole decreased. And she was scared to death of pushing this investigation any further if they were only going to find out Emma really was dead. Because she knew that would break her heart. And it would inevitably tear Alec apart.
“Hey.” Hunt’s hand gently landed on hers. “That was probably too much brutal honesty. I’m sorry.”
“No.” She shook her head and sniffled. “You’re right. You’re right about all of it. I just . . . I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Not right now, anyway.” He squeezed her hand. “And, shit, I’m the last person who should be giving relationship advice. Just . . . talk to him about your fears. If he’d opened up to you three years ago maybe things would have been different. You women, you do that better than we guys do. We’re programmed to keep it all inside. Don’t let him sink back into the darkness when things get rough. Make sure he knows he’s not alone. And, by God, if there’s any chance you don’t love him the same way he loves you, then walk away now. Before things get out of control.”
She nodded as she stared down at their joined hands. Loving Alec with every fiber of her being was the only thing she knew for certain. But even that scared her now.
Sighing, Hunt let go of her and pushed to his feet. “Look, since Alec’s got the whole family here, and since it sounds like more will be descending soon, I’m gonna take off. Will you be okay?”
She nodded and tried to keep her voice from wavering as she said, “Yeah,” but knew she failed miserably when he frowned down at her.
“Tell Alec I’ll call him when I hear from my guy at PPD.”
“Okay. Thanks, Hunt.”
He cast her a sad smile and then walked out of the room, and alone, Raegan’s mind tumbled through the last few days. Finding that stuffed animal. Hearing Alec say he believed Emma could still be alive. His admission that he wanted a second chance and that he loved her. Always loved her.
They were the words she’d longed to hear for three years, and she wanted that second chance for them too, more than she could ever express. But
not if it meant she might one day lose him for good.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“This is a stupid idea.” Raegan’s jaw tightened as she sat in the cab of Alec’s truck, her arms crossed over her chest and a frown pulling at her lips. “You don’t need this stress on top of everything else. The cops can talk to her just as easily as you. You should be home resting, and you definitely shouldn’t be driving.”
Alec tried not to be irritated by her lack of support and looked back out the windshield as he drove. They’d already been through this a dozen times. “My arm feels fine. You heard the doctor. As long as I’m not taking pain pills I’m free to go back to my normal routine.”
She huffed and looked out at the passing scenery. “This isn’t your normal routine, and I don’t care what that doctor said. You should still be in bed.”
“I would be”—he shot her a smile, hoping to lighten her mood—“but someone wouldn’t stay there with me.”
Instead of looking at him like he wanted her to do, she scowled and continued to stare out the window.
Sighing, he refocused on the road and told himself not to read anything into her mood. He was having a hard time doing that, though. She’d been acting strange ever since he’d been discharged from the hospital. Two days had passed in which he’d spent most of his time in her apartment being waited on by her. She’d climbed into bed with him at night and wrapped her arms around him, but during the day she’d pretty much left him alone while she’d cleaned the apartment, done laundry, or worked on her laptop. She hadn’t once talked about those missing kids, hadn’t even mentioned Emma. And every time he brought up contacting Bickam at the FBI to find out if they’d learned anything about that stuffed animal, she’d told him someone would call when there was information to pass on and that they should be patient.
Gone (Deadly Secrets Book 2) Page 21