As I looked I had to tuck my hands under my armpits, a trick I learnt when I lived with my mother, as if they had once again become raw and chapped from the freezing water I used to try to wash a plate so I could eat off it, using a blackened sponge and no washing up liquid. I felt again the rush of sweat break on to my forehead as I heaved over the rotten toilet, never learning the lesson not to eat food that had grown white fur. My mouth dried at the memory of days-old pizza stuck to the top of the box, or at least the remnants of toppings.
I noticed an older woman in the jury dabbing at her eyes when they were shown my bedroom, which made me want to stand up and roar and cover V’s eyes with my hands. I wanted to spare her the sight of the curtainless window, like a large bruised eye, the mattress as thin as paper and the filthy duvet. A shiver started deep in my body, an involuntary memory of all those nights when a freezing wind passed over my head and the cold seeped into my marrowbone so it felt like I would never be warm again.
But those photos missed something else, something rare but nevertheless true: the times it was just Mum and me on the sofa, snuggled under a blanket with the telly on. When she’d used her money for food rather than vodka so my belly had stopped hurting. Before the fourth can, when she was still the right side of lucid.
‘It’s going to be OK, Mikey,’ she’d say, drawing me into her. ‘I just need to get through this and then we’ll start again.’ I would nestle into her sweaty, threadbare bathrobe and wish she was telling the truth. Wish that I hadn’t reached an age when I knew that people could lie to themselves as much as others.
When Louise gave her evidence I realised that she is a different sort of liar than my mother, a worse sort. There are people out there who see nothing wrong in lying at all. There are people out there who inhabit lies, who let them soak in and devour them. I will never be one of those people, but at the same time I am not sure the jury would understand the bald truth of what happened between V and me. I look over at them and their flat, bland faces and I know they are so disappointingly ordinary. There is no way they could ever understand the space which V and I occupy, no way they could understand our truth.
‘None of our friends ever liked Mike,’ Louise said. ‘We all tried for Verity’s sake, but there was no getting through to him. It was almost impossible to engage him in conversation. He would come out with us, but he always stuck by Verity’s side, staring at her and whispering in her ear. And he didn’t have any friends of his own, so he was always there and he didn’t like it if she went out without him. We found him creepy, the sort of person you didn’t want to be left alone with …
‘Yes, Verity did confide in me towards the end of her relationship, probably a year or so after Mike went to New York. The things she told me were quite frankly worrying. We all told her it was unhealthy, but she seemed enthralled by him, if that’s the right word …
‘I think it is fair to say she was scared of him, yes. But also some of us worried she was a bit obsessed by him …
‘Angus was so much better suited to Verity. We all breathed a massive sigh of relief when she met him. It was like getting the old Verity back, fun and carefree, not always looking over her shoulder …
‘Mike seemed very agitated at the wedding, almost at times as if he wasn’t sure where he was. I bumped into him outside the marquee after the speeches and he was in quite a state – he was bent over, as if he couldn’t catch his breath. I asked him if he was all right, but he didn’t answer. I tried to rub his back a bit, like you do when someone’s sick, but he didn’t move, so I asked him if he was still in love with Verity. He stood up at that and pushed me so hard I fell over. Then he stood over me and he looked so furious that I really thought he was going to hit me or kick me or something, but he just walked away.’
When Xander stood I could almost believe he was holding a gun as he walked to the witness box. He didn’t preamble, he just came straight out with it. ‘You propositioned Mr Hayes for sex on the night of the wedding, didn’t you?’
Louise’s eyes widened. ‘No,’ she said, ‘absolutely not.’
‘You followed him outside when he went to get some fresh air and told him you’d always fancied him and that your husband, James’ – Xander looked at his papers, although I knew it was only for effect – ‘fucks like a rabbit.’ There were titters from the jury and Louise turned the colour of freshly fallen snow. I wondered if James was sitting somewhere in front of me.
But she recovered her composure and looked straight at me. ‘Michael Hayes is a fantasist,’ she said. ‘I would never do anything like that. And, for the record, I have never fancied him.’
‘But what reason would Mr Hayes have for pushing you? He says he removed your hands from his groin and, because you were so drunk, you fell over.’
Louise opened her mouth and she looked momentarily like a fish. ‘That is not true.’ But her tone had weakened.
‘He says you were very angry,’ Xander continued. ‘You shouted expletives after him when he walked away. Angry enough to come here and lie about him in court.’
‘No,’ Louise said. ‘That’s not how it happened at all.’
‘No further questions, my lord.’ Xander returned to his table with a spring in his step. I think he would have winked at me if he thought he could get away with it.
Recently a confusion has settled over me which is blanketing my thoughts. Sitting in the courtroom day after day has made me understand that I must sculpt my story in the best way for the right outcome. I have an idea, but the idea also feels wrong. Is lying sometimes the best policy? Is it possible to want the best for someone and yet act in a way which seems the opposite?
Elaine once told me that writing things down helps to simplify problems. List the pros on one side and the cons on the other, she advised, although at the time we were only talking about which GCSEs I should take. And it does undeniably help; when I read our story, mine and V’s, over and over, it calms me. I have always thought that numbers were my friend, but maybe words are as well?
Before I go to sleep each night I hear Xander saying how I don’t want V out in the world having fun whilst I rot away in here. He is of course wrong, as he is about most things, but the things he is wrong about usually also contain an element of truth. What he is right about is that V and I must continue along the same path, our journeys must be conjoined. I think he imagines I want her incarcerated out of some sick feeling of vengeance, or even to keep her away from the world, neither of which is true. I don’t doubt V’s loyalty to me and I don’t think she would be capable of being out in the world having fun without me. I think in fact she would barely be able to function. Which is the reason that I am coming to believe properly in Xander’s strategy. V would be lost without me, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself, she would be stranded and alone. It has always been my job to keep her safe and if I am in here, then she must be in the safest place for her.
Every day in court she looks thinner and weaker, which worries me terribly, but also makes me feel like she can’t be left alone for years without me. I know she must be pining for me and worrying about me, her mind spinning a future she can’t imagine. I’ve noticed she never arrives with a coffee any more and her skin looks tighter across her face, her hair even looks slightly unwashed and she picks at the skin at the side of her nails. She looks like she is falling apart and I know some people would think that is because of the strain of the trial, but I know it is the strain of being without me and worrying about my future. If we accept our fate together and continue along the same path then she will get better; she will put some weight on her bones and a bloom back in her cheeks; her hair will shine again and her mouth will turn upwards into a smile. I know she just needs certainty, my lovely girl, and that certainty will bring with it understanding and peace of mind.
Elaine and Suzi shared a day in court, which seemed strangely right. Suzi went first, dressed in a pale grey suit which was almost the same colour as her skin. She could barely keep still
and her hands worried in her lap for the whole time she was there, her eyes filling with tears every time she looked over at V.
‘We welcomed Mike into our lives,’ she was saying to Petra by the time I tuned in. ‘He was a sweet boy, but it was easy to see he was very troubled. There was always something about him which Colin and I never entirely trusted.’
‘Can you elaborate?’
Suzi has lost so much weight her skin now hangs off her face, making her look like an old lizard. I don’t think we will be able to see her when all this is over.
‘There was nothing specific. It was more just a feeling that he was too in love with Verity, if that makes sense. We excused it because of his upbringing, but it often made us uneasy.’
‘Can you give an example of something which made you uneasy?’
‘I know it sounds silly, but even the way he looked at her concerned us, as if he was looking into her rather than at her, if that makes sense. And he never took his eyes off her. You know how you’re aware if you’re staring at someone, you look away because you feel embarrassed. But Mike never looked away. He never even seemed to realise how uncomfortable it made Colin and me. And he was always in contact with her, always had to know where she was and what she was doing. And he didn’t really have any friends, so all their socialising was with her friends and us. He spent nearly every holiday with us, always came for Christmas, that sort of thing. She felt very responsible for him and his happiness, and it worried Colin and me that she should take something like that on at such a young age.’
‘Did you talk to Verity about this?’
‘Oh yes, towards the end of their relationship especially, as it made her extremely upset. She was terrified of hurting him. She said it wasn’t like ending things with a normal person because his rejection by his mother made him vulnerable.’
I had to turn my head to V at that point, but she only gave me her taut profile. She was sitting very still with her eyes on her lap, but I saw the tension in her cheek, which I knew was how she stopped herself crying. And suddenly this whole thing seemed even more absurd than it already did. Here we are, two people who love each other, being separated by a stupid mistake which could have happened to anyone.
I turned back and Suzi was talking again, so I realised I must have missed Petra’s question. ‘Yes, we knew she had started seeing Angus. She had planned to tell Mike when he came back from New York at Christmas and the stress made her quite ill.’
It was possible that Suzi had always hated me, I thought then. It was possible that it had all been a sham, all those shared times, all the dinners and conversations. It was possible that nothing she said was real.
‘Verity shouldn’t have used Mike’s infidelity as an excuse for ending the relationship,’ Suzi was saying. I had missed another question, which made me feel slightly light-headed. ‘She knows that. But I would have probably done the same.’
‘And how did Mr Hayes take the split?’
‘Very badly. Verity had to lock herself in her room the night she told him because of his persistent attempts to speak to her. He slept outside her door on the floor and the next morning refused to move. In the end, Colin and I had to basically tell him to leave.’
‘Where did he go?’ Petra asked.
‘Back to their flat in London. Although he called all day every day. It was ghastly. Verity didn’t answer her phone at all and so he rang the landline, day and night. She got in such a state that in the end Angus drove down and took her away to a hotel for New Year’s so she could get a bit of peace.’
I thought I might fall forward off my chair, but I recovered myself. Suzi was just lying. Everyone was lying apart from me and V.
‘One day Mike sent so many flowers they filled a van. When the woman unloaded them she said she’d never seen anything like it. I had to donate them to the church and hospital.’ Suzi swallowed. ‘That was typical Mike, always going overboard.’
‘Were you ever worried for your daughter’s safety?’ Petra asked, removing her glasses as she spoke.
As I sat there waiting for her answer, I realised Suzi has never been in love. You just have to listen to Liam Gallagher to realise that people like V and me are going to live forever and Suzi and the rest of them are wrong simply because they don’t know what it’s like to really, truly love someone.
‘Towards the end, a bit, maybe,’ she said and she couldn’t help glancing over at me. I held her gaze, without flinching, and she looked away almost immediately. I remembered what she’d looked like at the wedding, how puffed-out and proud she had been. She had been so stupid to ever think that was it.
‘When he first went back to New York after Christmas the contact was so incessant Verity had to change her phone number and she moved in with Angus, but her email was harder to change because of work and he bombarded her daily with ridiculous emails. But then he stopped in February and we thought maybe things had calmed down. When Verity told him about the wedding he even seemed happy for her. Of course, I never thought anything like this would happen.’ Suzi’s voice caught on her last words.
‘And how has Verity handled it all?’ Petra asked.
Suzi’s head dipped momentarily. ‘She’s been amazing when you take into consideration what’s happened to her. Her new husband, whom she loved very much, has been killed, then she’s been hounded by the press and had to put up with all the terrible lies which have been written about her. And now this ridiculous trial. It’s been awful to watch what she’s gone through in these last few months, which should have been the happiest of her life.’
‘So, in your estimation, your daughter and Mr Metcalf were happy and in love and Mr Hayes has a delusional fixation which turned violent?’
‘Objection,’ Xander said. ‘Ms Gardner is not a psychiatrist and cannot diagnose my client.’
‘Overruled,’ said Justice Smithson. He looked at Xander over the top of his glasses as he spoke, almost apologetically. ‘Mrs Walton’s observations of her daughter are pertinent here, although obviously the jury must take into account her relationship with the defendants.’
Suzi looked over to the jury and I saw two pink spots had appeared high up on her cheeks. ‘Absolutely. You don’t see my daughter behind closed doors. We’re not the sort of people to weep and wail in public, but I can assure you she is as devastated as it’s possible to be. I know Angus and Verity were happy and I know Michael is delusional.’ Suzi swallowed again, her eyes brimming with tears.
‘In your mind she wouldn’t have wanted anything bad to happen to Mr Metcalf? Is it possible she could have asked for Mr Hayes’s help to remove him?’
‘God no,’ Suzi’s voice rose with each word. ‘She loved Angus so much. And Mike is the last person she would ask to help her with anything.’
‘Perhaps you could tell us your impressions of Mr Metcalf,’ Petra continued. ‘What sort of man did he appear to you? Were you ever concerned about his treatment of your daughter?’
Suzi would have laughed if she was capable of such a sound at that moment. ‘No, the exact opposite. Angus was the most charming, happy, generous, funny man you could hope to meet. He was very much in love with Verity and always treated her with nothing but respect and adoration. As a mother it was a pleasure to watch them together.’
‘So you don’t think he would have gone to Mr Hayes’s house that night meaning to harm him?’
‘No, but I’m not surprised they got into a fight. I’ve been on the end of some of Michael’s rants and they’re not pleasant.’
‘Could you elaborate, please?’ Petra said, and I knew they’d rehearsed this part.
Suzi clasped her hands together on the wooden ledge in front of the witness box. ‘As I said, he rang the whole time after Verity finished the relationship and I ended up speaking to him quite a lot. He was very rude to me on a number of occasions. He called me a scheming whore once, when I told him that Verity had gone away for New Year.’
I heard an intake of breath from the jury, bu
t I kept my eyes on my hands, my face burning.
Petra approached Suzi and put her hand on her arm. ‘Thank you very much, Mrs Walton. We can all see how hard this has been for you. No further questions, my lord.’
Xander stood up slowly. He wasn’t carrying any notes and he almost ambled over. ‘Mrs Walton, let me second that thanks. This must be unbearably hard for you. I’m a father myself and I can’t imagine what it must be like to see a child of yours go through all of this.’
Suzi looked slightly startled. ‘No, it’s horrible.’
‘Almost unbelievable.’
‘Well, yes.’
He turned to the jury. ‘Verity is your only child, I believe?’
‘Yes.’ I could see the terror in Suzi’s eyes.
‘A longed-for only child. A child you have always idolised and adored.’
‘Of course we adore her,’ Suzi said.
‘A child you’ve always wanted the best for. The best schools, the best clothes, the best opportunities.’ He looked at Suzi as he spoke.
‘What parent doesn’t?’
Xander looked over at me and I felt the jury’s eyes follow him. ‘Oh, there are plenty of parents who don’t want the best for their children. Plenty of children out there who don’t get riding lessons and extra tuition and expensive holidays and fantastical Christmases.’ He paused. ‘I’m just wondering how far the best of everything extends?’
Our Kind of Cruelty Page 20