by Rosie Clarke
‘Then, you have my permission to get engaged and married when you’re ready,’ Flo said and smiled as she saw Honour’s eyes light up.
‘Roy was goin’ to ask Dad tomorrow…’ Honour looked apprehensive. ‘Dad was angry – but he will give Roy a chance, won’t he?’
‘It’s me you have to ask,’ Flo said and met Honour’s questioning look. She was trembling inside because she knew she had to tell her daughter the truth but wasn’t sure whether Honour would accept it. Taking Honour’s hand, she said gently, ‘Let’s sit by the fire and talk. There’s something I need to tell you… something you need to know.’
Honour looked uneasy. ‘What?’
Flo took a deep breath, ‘You’re my daughter, Honour – not my sister, and I’ve always loved you. I got into trouble when I was sixteen. Dad scared him off and Mum made me hide what she called “my shame” from the world. She pretended she was pregnant and two months before the birth she closed the shop and took me away to a small seaside village, where I gave birth to you. When we returned, she let everyone believe you were her daughter… and her middle name was the same as mine so she just put Florence Hawkins on the birth certificate and no one guessed.’
Flo stared at her daughter, waiting for the outburst of indignation or disbelief, but it didn’t come.
Honour was crying, staring at her with the silent tears running down her face.
‘So it is true…’ she said and wiped her cheeks. ‘Dad hinted at it a couple of times, but I thought he was just bein’ horrible… because you never said and I thought you would tell me the truth…’ The expression in her eyes was a mixture of regret and accusation, but there was no anger. ‘Why didn’t you, Flo?’
‘I wanted to… so many times I wanted to,’ Flo said. ‘Can you ever forgive me for lyin’ to you all these years? I love you so much, Honour. I didn’t want to hurt you… I always wanted you to know I was your mum, but I was afraid to tell you in case you hated me.’
‘Don’t you know?’ Honour asked a little sob on her lips. ‘You’ve always been my real mum – you were there when I was ill and when I fell over. You were the one who spoiled me and made me pretty clothes for my dolls. I always knew you were special. You were the one I loved…’
‘Oh, Honour…’ Flo burst into noisy sobs as they sought each other’s arms and hugged, crying and laughing at the same time. ‘My own darling girl. I’m so sorry. All these years I’ve had to pretend you were my sister when I longed to tell you how much I loved you and how proud I was to be your mother. I want you to be happy and if Roy makes you happy that’s fine with me…’
‘He does love me, Mum,’ Honour said and smiled at her. Flo felt the tears because it was the first time Honour had called her Mum. ‘He’s the only one for me – just as Robbie is the only one for you. He’s my father, isn’t he? I’ve seen you lookin’ at him and I’ve seen him lookin’ at you…’
‘Yes, Robbie was the only one I ever loved.’
‘Surely you will get married?’
‘Perhaps, if things go well for him,’ Flo said and gave her a quick hug. ‘For the moment you’re more important. Now, put that pretty ring on your finger – in the morning you can show Dad and your friends. And if Roy has time, you will ask him to stay for lunch…’
‘Oh, Mum,’ Honour said and hugged her. ‘You’re the best. No one is like you and I hope you’ll be as happy one day as I am…’
‘Seeing your eyes shine makes me happy,’ Flo said. ‘It hurt me to think that Roy had let you down – but at least you weren’t pregnant like me…’
Honour’s cheeks flushed and Flo guessed that perhaps she’d done more than kiss Roy on one of their dates, but thankfully she hadn’t been punished for it the way Flo had – and even if Honour had come to her to confess she was pregnant, Flo would not have made her feel ashamed. Honour would never have felt the sting of shame or been made to feel unworthy just because she’d had a child out of wedlock.
‘Why didn’t they let you marry Robbie?’ Honour asked, looking distressed.
‘It’s a long story. Dad played his part, and some of it was Robbie’s fault, but, I think now, mostly my mother’s.’ She kissed Honour’s cheek. ‘Robbie wants to get to know you, but he didn’t want to upset your grandfather or me…’
‘My grandfather?’ Honour nodded. ‘It’s so strange… Ben and Ruthie – they’re my brother and sister?’
‘Yes, your half-brother and half-sister,’ Flo said. ‘Do you mind?’
‘No…’ Honour smiled and hugged her. ‘I’m glad. It means we could all be a family…’
‘Yes, perhaps – and now it’s time we got to bed,’ Flo said and smiled. ‘It has been a long and exciting day, my love, and we’re both tired…’
*
‘I’m tired,’ Ruthie announced and rubbed her eyes. ‘Where’s my dad? I want ter go ’ome…’
Bert looked at the mantle clock. It was half past ten and Robbie had been gone hours. ‘Yer dad has been gone a long time. I’m not sure why…’
‘You should go to bed, sir,’ Ben said, because he could see that Granda was weary. Granny Millie had said goodnight after Ben had made them all some cocoa at nine o’clock. Granda Bert had sat up with them, but he kept yawning behind his hand. ‘We’ll be all right here by the range. It’s warm and neither of us is hungry. We can sleep on the sofa until Dad gets here…’
Bert hesitated, clearly uncertain. ‘I wish we knew where yer dad has got to,’ he said. ‘It’s a bitter night, Ben. I never expected he would be this long just speaking to Mr Hansen…’
‘He must have gone somewhere else,’ Ben said and tried not to show how worried he was. His thoughts kept goin’ round and round in his head and he was afraid his dad was in some trouble but didn’t know what to do about it. Ben wasn’t sure where Mr Hansen lived. He could find his way to the mission, but it was late and he knew the mission would be locked up for the night. ‘If you don’t mind us stayin’ here in the kitchen, we’ll just wait for him…’
‘I wouldn’t dream of sending you home alone,’ Bert said. ‘You’re a sensible lad, Ben. You’ll be all right here if I go to bed?’
‘Yes, Granda,’ Ben said and watched as the old man struggled to heave himself out of the sagging chair. ‘Can yer manage on yer own?’
‘Yes, thank you, I’ll be all right – look after Ruthie. I’m just in the next room if yer need me.’’
Ben saw that Ruthie was already curled up on the sofa. He tucked Granny Millie’s blanket over her and sat down on the peg rug in front of the range. It was warm there and Ben wasn’t ready to sleep yet. The ticking of the old marble mantle clock reminded him of the lateness of the hour and his unease grew as the minutes passed and still his dad didn’t come to fetch them. Ben didn’t even consider that his dad might have gone home and forgotten they were here. Ben’s father had got drunk a few times after their mum died, but things had been bad in those first months. Ben knew instinctively that his dad was in a better place in his life now. If he didn’t come back for them, it was because he couldn’t and that meant something had happened.
If Dad still wasn’t back by the morning, he could find people and ask for help, but until then he had to wait even though it was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his young life…
*
Flo woke with a start and looked at the little alarm clock by her bed. It was half past six and she was usually up by now. She’d slept well and a smile touched her mouth as she remembered Honour’s happiness the previous evening when she came back from her walk with Roy, to show her her lovely ring.
Pushing back the bedclothes, Flo put her feet to the floor. It was freezing and she hurriedly pushed her feet into fluffy slippers and pulled on her dressing gown. She hadn’t heard her father ring the little bell he used to alert them when he needed to get up and use the commode. He must be bursting to go now, because she was – but she could hold on until she got him settled.
Walking softly along the hall, she opened
his door and went in. Her father was lying back against the pillows, his eyes shut. It was unusual for him to sleep this late, because he’d always been up early and out to work until his illness struck him down.
‘Dad…’ Flo said softly, not wanting to disturb him if he was resting. ‘Dad…?’
She could see that his mouth was open slightly and his face was white – he wasn’t breathing. Flo’s heart stopped for a moment and then raced on as the dread gripped her and she felt a rush of panic and grief and she touched his cheek with her fingertips. He was very cold. She knew then that he must have passed during the night.
‘Oh, Dad, no…’ Flo said and the tears started to trickle down her cheeks because it was so sad: all the years they had spent estranged, hardly speaking to each other at times, separated by a secret that need never have been. ‘Please, not now…’
For a moment she sat beside him on the bed, mourning him, regretting that she hadn’t found a way to reach him long ago. They might have discovered how to love each other again.
Sighing, Flo got to her feet and walked down the hall to Honour’s room. She knocked and entered. Her daughter was sitting up in bed, admiring the ring on her finger.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’
Flo went to sit on the edge of her bed and hold her hand. There was only one way to say it, ‘Honour, I’m so sorry, dearest – but Dad is dead… He passed away in the night.’
Honour’s face drained of colour. She stared at Flo and then the tears started flowing. ‘No! I wanted to tell him about Roy, to let Roy tell him about… We had such a lovely day…’ Flo embraced her, comforting her as she wept. ‘I know I grumbled about him a lot, but I didn’t want him to die… Oh, Mum – what are we goin’ to do?’
‘I’m goin’ to slip my clothes on and then I’ll ring for the doctor and tell him. Once he’s been we’ll have to contact…’ She shook her head. ‘Go down and put the kettle on, Honour.’
Honour nodded and looked at her mother with agonised eyes. ‘Roy is comin’ round later… I’m not sure how to contact him…’
‘Let him come. You can go out with him for a while, get away from the house until things are settled…’
‘I’m not leavin’ you to cope with everythin’ on your own,’ Honour said. ‘I’ll pop in and say goodbye to Dad and then I’ll put the kettle on…’
Flo didn’t argue. Her daughter was old enough to fall in love and marry; she was old enough to face the reality of death.
Flo dressed hurriedly in the clothes she’d worn the previous day – such a lovely day giving presents to the children and Honour’s engagement and finally telling her that she was her mother – and now this. It was with a heavy heart that she went downstairs, out of the kitchen door and through the little passage to the main street where the red phone box was situated. She knew the doctor’s telephone number by heart and dialled it, putting in her pennies when she was told and pushing the button when directed.
‘Doctor Forrest here…’
‘It’s Flo Hawkins, Doctor Forrest,’ Flo said. ‘I think my father is dead; I found him first thing this morning…’
‘I’ll be round as quickly as I can, my dear.’
Flo replaced the receiver and left the box, retracing her steps almost reluctantly. She wasn’t looking forward to what followed and wished it hadn’t happened so soon after Christmas Day.
Honour looked at her as she entered the kitchen. Her eyes were red and she couldn’t stop her tears.
‘The doctor is coming to confirm…’ she said.
Honour made the tea and poured it. ‘Do you want a piece of toast?’
‘No, just tea. I couldn’t eat. The food would stick in my throat…’
Honour nodded. ‘I feel the same. Why now – why did it happen now, when things were gettin’ better between us?’
‘Maybe he sensed he didn’t have much time left,’ Flo said and sipped her tea. ‘I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen at any time, Honour – but now…’ She sighed and toyed with her spoon. ‘It was awful when Mum died, but Dad took charge then…’
‘Will the doctor tell us what to do?’
Flo understood her fears and gently explained what would happen after the doctor’s visit.
‘I’ll use the same people that looked after Mum,’ she said. ‘They took her to a chapel of rest – and then the hearse brought her back to the street on the day of the funeral so we could follow to the church.’
It seemed ages before Doctor Forrest arrived. He looked sombre and was very sympathetic. The death was expected and he patted their hands in a paternal way and told them what good girls they’d been to look after their father as they had. After he’d gone, the men came to take Mr Hawkins away and told Flo that they could visit once he was prepared for them.
The house seemed empty and horrible when they’d finally gone and neither of them knew what to do with themselves.
‘I’ve made my bed. Is there anything you need me to do downstairs?’ Honour asked.
‘We’ll have visitors when folk hear,’ Flo said. ‘We need to make sure the kitchen is spotless – and we’re closing the shop until after the funeral…’
‘Yes, I think Dad would expect that,’ Honour said and looked at Flo oddly. ‘I know he was my grandfather, but I can’t stop calling him Dad…’
‘Why should you? He stood as a father to you for years – and he felt shut out, Honour. Mum lied to him until she needed him to know the truth and so did I and that wasn’t fair…’
‘I think you’re the one who was unfairly treated,’ Honour said. ‘Neither of them was fair to you.’
‘No, perhaps not – but it’s over now…’
Honour looked at her but didn’t say much as they started to clean and tidy the large kitchen that served as their workplace and their resting place. It was where they received friends and where Dad had sat in his rocking chair by the range.
‘Go up and wash your face and powder your nose. Roy will be here soon and you don’t want to be red-eyed for him,’ Flo said and smiled. ‘Cryin’ won’t change anythin’, love. Dad has gone and we can’t change that…’
Someone knocked the kitchen door. It was too early for Roy’s visit, so Flo went to answer it and saw Ben standing there, looking as if he too had been crying.
‘Is somethin’ wrong, Ben?’ Flo asked. ‘What has happened?’
Ben followed her into the kitchen. ‘Dad went to see Mr Hansen about Mick last night – and he didn’t come back. He left us with Bert and Millie and we’ve been there all night…’
‘Oh no!’ Honour cried her face pale. Her eyes met Flo’s and there was panic in them, as she realised that something might have happened to the man she’d only just discovered was her father. Flo was close to panic too, but she couldn’t give way to it, because Ben was already frightened and worried.
Flo’s spine felt icy and the back of her neck tingled. ‘That’s not like you father. He’s never left you all night before – has he?’
Ben shook his head. ‘After Mum died he had a bit too much to drink a few times and came home a bit daft… laughin’ and then cryin’, but he never stayed out all night – not once. I’m worried, Miss Flo. I don’t know what to do…’
‘I’ll telephone Mr Hansen,’ Flo said and grabbed her coat. ‘Honour, find Ben some milk to drink and a piece of cake while I’m telephoning…’
Ben shook his head as Honour offered him a cake. ‘I ain’t hungry, miss. I just want ter help me dad…’
‘I know how you feel,’ Honour said and the tears started again. ‘Flo’s dad died in his sleep last night, Ben. He was a lot older than your dad – but I didn’t want him to die…’ She put an arm round him protectively. He was her brother, even though he didn’t know it.
‘I’m sorry, miss… I shouldn’t have bothered yer, but I didn’t know who else to ask.’
‘Ben you can always come to us,’ Honour said, hugging him. ‘We care about you and Ruthie – and your dad. We’re your friends an
d we’ll always help you if we can…’
‘Thanks…’ Ben ground his fists in his eyes to stop the tears, but she heard the muffled sob and knew that he was worried out of his mind for his father. ‘Yer very kind, miss…’
‘Why don’t you call me, Honour?’ she said. ‘We’re friends, aren’t we, Ben?’
‘Yeah, I reckon,’ Ben said. ‘It was a good thing yer done yesterday, miss… Honour. All the kids were excited and Ruthie loved everythin’ she got…’
‘I remember you didn’t get any sweets,’ Honour said. ‘You let your friend have the last one.’
‘Dad bought me a Meccano set. I didn’t need nothin’ else,’ Ben said. ‘Mick’s father never gives him anythin’. Most days he don’t get enough to eat. I told him to ask Arnie fer work, but he said no one would give him a job…’
‘Perhaps if he had a wash and some clean clothes,’ Honour said. ‘I remember he was a bit dirty.’
‘Mick is always filthy and he smells,’ Ben said, ‘but he’s all right and I feel sorry fer him.’
Flo returned then and told them that she’d spoken to John Hansen. ‘John says your father spoke to him last night and then left. He is goin’ to make inquiries and speak to the police and ring round some of the hospitals… just in case he had an accident or was attacked.’
Ben rubbed at his eyes fiercely. ‘Why would anyone hurt me dad?’
‘Well, you remember the man who tried to steal the sixpences?’ Ben nodded and Flo put her arm round him. ‘He threatened everyone, particularly John and your father. It is possible that he might have been hanging around last night…’
Ben nodded, his hands curling into tight balls at his sides. ‘He was a rotten devil and they ought to have called the police…’
‘Yes, I agree with you,’ Flo said, ‘but it was Christmas Day – and, besides, we don’t know for sure that anything has happened to your father…’ but even to herself she sounded unconvincing.
‘Where is he then?’ Ben demanded. ‘He wouldn’t have left us if he could help it – somethin’ bad must have happened and I don’t know what to do, Miss Flo. We can’t stay with Millie and Bert all the time. They’ve said we can, but they can’t afford to keep us and it’s too much work…’