by Ford, Brenda
Yes, I have plans. I have the plan to go and shatter Rosie and Ellie by confirming that I can’t be with any of them. I will ask if they still want to be friends with me, but I know that will be a big fat no. Actually, a drink after all of that might be just the thing I need. Who knows, I might even confess all to Brad.
“Yeah, yeah sure.” I nod. “I do need to go and speak to Rosie first, but later on…”
“Yep, later on sounds good. I like the sound of that. Gives me time to eat first. Have you eaten?”
Of course I haven’t. I can’t get a damn thing in my mouth when I feel like I might throw up everywhere at any given moment, but all I do to reply is nod. He doesn’t need to get in to the gritty details of that.
“Sure, right well I will see you later then.” He pats me on the arm. “Looking forward to it.”
I sigh loudly, trying to get plenty of air in my lungs, and I take a step away from Brad. He’s going to be cooking in the kitchen now, and I can’t suffer the smells. I also can’t just stand here any longer putting it off. I need to speak to the women and try and end things on good terms. I like them so much, all I want is to make things okay again, but the best thing that I can do is extend the olive branch and just try.
Rosie, I can’t be with you. Me and you are the best of friends, and I don’t want to change that. I try and plan my words, but they just sound shitty even in my head. Ellie, sorry that I was an asshole. I didn’t mean to act that way, it was just a shock to learn how young you are. But unfortunately, that is a deal breaker.
Oh God, I’m going to get well deserved slaps from both of them. There’s no way this won’t get ugly. But that won’t change no matter how long I put it off for, so I might as well just go and get it over with. I have already left it too long. I force one foot in front of the other, however much my body resists the idea, and somehow, I manage to get all the way to the front door. The innocuous piece of wood that threatens to tear me apart.
“Just do it,” I whisper to myself. “Get it over and done with.”
I don’t know what face will be hardest to see as it opens the door. Rosie, who was trying to get me into bed the last time I saw her, which came as a massive shock… the storming out wasn’t a shock though. Ellie, who despises me because I spoke to her like shit. Who will want to punch me hard. Or even Amelia, Rosie’s mom who is bound to know about the mess and tear me apart because of it. She has always seen me as a nice guy, a good friend for her daughter. Everything has changed dramatically in the last few days.
I raise my hand and force myself to bang. Although the sound I make isn’t a loud one. It’s more like a little mouse scratching at the door. With a deep sense of guilt, I force myself to knock once more, actually making enough sound for anyone to hear it now. I press my ear against the door and notice footsteps on the other side.
“Fuck,” I whisper as I bolt backwards. “Fucking hell.” I shake all over. “Nope, you can’t leave now.”
I rub my hands together, noticing how badly I’m sweating with nerves. If only Brad hadn’t come into the kitchen when he did, then I would have had the time to think things through more, to put it off for longer while I plan the perfect words to say… but it’s too late for that now. Far too late.
I hold my breath as the door swings open and I see one of the three faces I was dreading the most. I freeze to the spot, wishing that I could just run away and never have to face this again.
“Oliver?” Rosie says suspiciously while she steps outside the door. “Who are you here to see?”
“You,” I reply right away, knowing that I need to start somewhere. “I’m here to see you actually.”
It takes me a moment to work out why her face lights up so much. She’s taking this as a sign that I have chosen what I want and it’s her. God, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I need to find a way to be much clearer.
“Okay, good.” She nods. “Because we left it weird before, didn’t we? We have a lot to talk about.”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. This is going to be harder than I thought. Rosie has been hurt by Tristan so much and I’m going to make that even worse by ruining her all over again.
“Er, yes, we do. I don’t know how much you took in the last time we spoke, because you were drunk…”
“Not too drunk to know what was going on.” She smiles, again making me feel bad. “I know that you were shocked by what I said to you, and you were worried that I would wake up to regret it, which is why you basically turned me down, but now I’m sober and have calmed down… we can really talk about it.”
She steps in towards me and rests her hands on my shoulders. She gets a glazed over lust filled look in her eyes and rises upwards. It takes me a beat too long to realize that she’s coming in for yet another kiss. My blood runs ice cold and I have to step backwards which changes her mood all over again. She’s back to anger.
Her cheeks stain red and her eyes flash. As her hands fall on to her hips, I’m just glad that they don’t come swinging my way to hit me. So far there has been no violence but that doesn’t mean there won’t be. She could still decide to tear my head from my neck if she so chooses to do so.
“Right.” I scuff my foot along the ground because I can’t stand to look at her when I plunge my hand in to her chest and take out her heart to stomp on it. “And I think that I need to make it clear that I meant what I said.”
“Which part?” she demands. “Because a whole heap of things were said. I might need some clarification.”
“I know. And the bit about, you know, us being too good as friends to ruin it.”
“Like I said, we can make it better.” She throws her hands in the air in frustration. “How many romcom movies are based on best friends falling in love? Especially if there is a love triangle. The best friend always wins out and that’s for a reason. We’re friends because we have a connection, and there’s no reason that couldn’t be romantic. We should at least give it a try, shouldn’t we? Me and you? See what could happen.”
Oh God, I’m stumped. “But I thought that you didn’t want to go anywhere near me because of Ellie?”
She tenses up. Her whole body stiffens. “I have to admit, I’m not the most keen to know what happened with you and my much younger cousin. But it is good that you broke it off when you did find out. I have to respect you for that. Plus, you had to see me dating Tristan which I guess hurt you too… we can get passed it…”
“I don’t know if we can…” I say cautiously. “And I wouldn’t want to risk…”
“Stop blabbering on about risking our friendship.” She rolls her eyes. “Tell me how you feel. Don’t think about us being mates, think about what we could be. Just consider us for real.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, hating what I have to say next. “I don’t… like you like that.”
There’s a beat of silence before she screams loudly. “Is that a fucking joke? I decide to forgive you for everything that you have done to me, and then you reject me again? You didn’t just do it because you were afraid of my being drunk? You actually don’t want to be with me? But you’ve wanted me forever…”
“The fact that you knew I liked you and you never addressed it with me is crazy, Rosie. Even worse that you wanted me to pretend to be your boyfriend. You kiss me, then you kiss him. Is that how you treat people?”
“Is that the way I treat people? You have some nerve, Oliver. So, now what? You end things with me without even giving me a chance because apparently you ‘don’t like me’, then what? You go back to Ellie? Well, I have some news for you. She’s gone. She left after we fought because of you.”
“You fought over me?” Shit, how did I not know that was going on? “That’s awful.”
“As if you aren’t loving this,” she sneers. “Two girls fighting over you. You probably orchestrated it to make this happen. And don’t ask me if I think you would be like that because quite honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. I have no idea
how to even look at you anymore because you are not the Oliver Smith I know.”
She slams the door in my face hard, completely stripping all the air from my lungs. She’s being hurtful because I have upset her, I know that. I won’t be too offended by her words because that’s how she acts until she calms down. I understand. Nothing is going her way at the moment, so of course she’s upset.
But the one thing that really sticks out in my mind is Ellie. She’s left and I have no idea where she’s gone. I can’t exactly knock on the door and ask, can I? Rosie will stab me. So, I guess I will just have to not know. I won’t be able to chat with her and clear everything up. I’ll never be able to apologize.
Shit, that actually hurts. Thinking that I can’t even say sorry for the shitty way I treated her is bad. It ended on terrible terms and I don’t want the best relationship of my life to completely fizzle out in that way.
“You have no choice now,” I whisper as I walk back home. “It’s all over.”
One thing I know for sure is that I need this drink tonight. I need to open up to my brother and finally just be honest about it all. Brad won’t judge me; it will be okay. And they do say that a problem shared is a problem halved. Having any of this weight off my shoulders will help.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ellie
I don’t have much, and that becomes even more apparent as Auntie Amelia takes a look around my home, but I don’t mind. Me and Seth have all the furniture that we need, we don’t need fanciness on top of that, we’re fine to survive. I’m actually proud of everything that I’ve managed to achieve in such a short space of time. In just a week, me and Seth have a complete set up and his space themed bedroom is on the way. I’m working on it.
“This is… nice,” Auntie Amelia days tentatively. “You have a good place here.”
Seth runs through the apartment with a toy air plane high above his head, making a racket. I can’t help but laugh. He’s a bit freer here, he can do what he wants. He’s even having friends over soon.
“Thank you. I’m happy. The house money came in just in time. This is much better.”
“So… it was just because of the fight then, huh? Between you and Rosie.” I keep trying not to think about it because it makes my stomach twist up in uncomfortable knots, but I guess I have no choice now. “Because I never did find out what that was about which is a real shame because I could have helped you.”
“Hmmm, well we were just on top of one another, that’s all. We needed some space.”
“Alright, but if you don’t like this better, you could always come back. I miss you both a lot.”
I smile at her gratefully. I still appreciate her a lot for everything that she’s done for me. I don’t know where the hell we would be without her. “Well, you know you are always welcome here, don’t you? We will always love to have you around. For dinner, or whatever.” I shrug before saying the next, oddly uncomfortable part. “Rosie too, you know, if she wants to. I don’t know if she’s ready to make up.”
“I’m sure she will be,” Auntie Amelia jumps in quickly. “I will sort it.”
Urgh, that won’t be a fun night. The two of us acting like we’re okay for everyone else’s sake. But I might be wrong. Maybe we will end up having a real conversation and we’ll sort everything out. We will decide to rise above everything that’s happened with Oliver and to just put each other first. That would be best.
“So, it seems like Seth is doing well,” Auntie Amelia continues. “He’s still thriving. Loving his life.”
“Well, I’m used to looking after him. Mom worked so much that it was mostly me and him, so it’s fine. I can cook and wash. Get him to school on time… all the important things are covered.”
“It’s a shame that you have always had to be the adult. It’s a shame that your mom didn’t have the help of your father.” She tuts loudly. “But then he was a useless piece of trash, wasn’t he? Always. Sorry, I know that it’s wrong of me to speak of him like that but… well, he is. Your mom was always too good for him. I tried to tell her that at the time, but then I didn’t really have a leg to stand on because I attracted bad guys too. Never as bad as him though. I think he’s the worst kind of dirt bag… sorry. Again.”
“Insult him as much as you want,” I laugh. “It makes no difference to me. I agree with you. We were better without him. Me and Seth are still better without him, so it’s all good.”
Auntie Amelia gives me the saddest look ever. She feels bad for me which she doesn’t need to. Not having my dad around has made me stronger, looking after Seth has prepared me for right now. I don’t like anything that’s happened, but it’s all worked out alright. I mean, I’m coping. If I end up having to cope without Rosie too, then that will be okay as well. I will always keep my head up high through everything.
“If there is ever anything that you want to talk to me about, you know you can?” She rests her hands on my shoulders and looks at me intently. “Whatever it is, I’m here for you. I don’t want you to feel alone.”
“Thank you, that does mean a lot to me. But I think I’m doing okay.”
“If you want assistance getting a job or anything like that, I can assist you with that too…”
“I have a lot of balls in the air. A lot of applications have gone out there. I have some interviews lined up,” I lie, but only because I want to seem more capable than I actually am. I’ve been working so hard on setting up a home for me and Seth that I haven’t had a chance to apply for anything yet. But I will. It’s only a matter of time. “I have it all under control. Thank you, though. I do appreciate everything that you do.”
“Right. Well I am going to say goodbye to Seth, then I will get out of your hair. Let you get on with things.” She pulls me in for a hug. “But please make sure that we see each other real soon.”
“For sure, we will. Any time you want to come around, you can. You will always be welcome here.”
“Yes, I will. You won’t get rid of me that easily,” she teases. “I’m your family and I love you.”
“Love you too, Auntie Amelia. Thank you for everything.”
I watch her walk away in to Seth’s room and I allow myself to finally take a breath. Much as I love my aunt, that was tense. Any conversation that involves Rosie or where my life is stresses me out, so that was all of it rolled in to one. Plus, I really don’t like lying to someone who I care so much about, who has done so much for me, but it’s for the best. That’s all I need to remember, that the little white lies are for an easy life, to make sure that no one else stresses out about my issues. I can tackle everything by myself. I always have done, and I always will. My inner strength just keeps growing every single day.
* * *
As soon as I get Seth into bed and sort things for tomorrow, I start on the job hunt. I polish up my resume – not that I have much on it, but I’m hoping that’s excusable because of my age – and I start looking for what is around. In walking distance, preferably, so I don’t need to rely on public transport which isn’t always the most reliable. It isn’t the easiest thing to scroll through a number of jobs, knowing that I’m not capable of doing a lot of them, but I do my best to keep my spirits high. Seth doesn’t need me to have the best job ever, he just needs me to keep a roof over his head. That isn’t too high a bar to work with. A job that pays.
The inheritance money has gotten us this far and it will keep on looking after us, I’m sure. But I am very aware of every penny I spend. It isn’t a never ending supply. When it ends, we need to have something else. I have always known that a back-up was essential, now I just need to figure out what the back-up it will be.
“Bar work?” I mutter to myself. “Sure, I can do that. Although the hours…” That’s another issue. Finding something that I can work around Seth’s school hours. He definitely isn’t old enough to be home alone. “Restaurant work. Shop assistant. Model… no way, I can’t do that. Promo girl. What else? Dancer? No way, I can’t dance in front of p
eople. That sounds too much like a stripper anyway. I can’t do that…”
In the end, I send my resume off to everything. Anything and everything, aside from the stripped job, of course, that’s one I can’t do no matter what happens. I can’t afford to be too picky. I will just have to see who will have me and then try and work everything else out from there. At least I will have Auntie Amelia to help out if need be. She’ll pick Seth up from school sometimes, it’ll be fine. I can do this; I just need to work the best way to make it work. One of these places should give me a chance, right? Even if I don’t have any work experience, any real skills, anything to make me employable. But there needs to be someone who will pick me over everyone else. God, I hope so anyway. Otherwise… well, I don’t want to think about it.
“Right,” I mutter to myself. “Done. Now… well now I just need to wait. Sit back and wait for something to come to me. What a shame that I’m not exactly the most patient person in the world.”
I lie my head back on the pillow as if I’m actually going to get a chance to sleep tonight, and I let my mind wander. I don’t do that much because it’s so dangerous, but today it feels like the right thing to do. My to do list is done for the time being, I don’t have anything to worry about, so I can just day dream.
Of course, my mind goes straight to Oliver. He’s the thing on the edge of my mind all the damn time so the moment he gets a chance to come inside he will. I think of his strikingly beautiful face, his kind eyes, his lovely smile. The way that my mouth tingles when he kisses me, my skin prickles when he grazes his fingers over me, the wonderful sensation of him inside me. God, I miss him inside me.
There’s a deep stirring, a pulsing in my panties, without thinking too much about it I edge my fingers slowly towards my core. It’s been a long time since I had any satisfaction and right now, I need it. I don’t particularly want to be thinking of the man that I can’t have as I touch myself, but I can’t help it. He was my first everything. Kiss, sex, love… all of that doesn’t just go away like that. It will take longer than overnight. Maybe Rosie is right about one thing, and I do need to find someone else to move on properly.