“I just…I have to say it once…before I leave. I love you.”
I kissed his cheek. “Thank you. I don’t deserve that, but thank you.”
He smirked. “I know you can handle that jerk-off upstairs, but if it gets old, you can always come home.”
I snickered. “He’s not a problem.”
“Good-bye, Liis.” Jackson kissed my forehead and turned, pushing through the door.
I took a deep breath and suddenly felt exhausted.
Trudging back into the elevator, I leaned against the back wall until the chime signaled that I was at my floor, and then I stepped out into the hallway, forcing one foot in front of the other.
“Liis?” Marks called as I passed his office. “Get in here.”
I stopped and turned around, surprised at the gratefulness I felt for the invitation. I slumped in his chair. “What?”
He raised an eyebrow, momentarily halting the continuous clicking on his keyboard. “I told you. You’re trouble.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
“Everybody can tell that he’s different. He’s practically happy when you’re around.”
“I’m missing why that makes me trouble.”
“Is your ex staying with you for a few days?”
“Of course not.”
“Why not?”
I sat up. “Do you make a habit of asking questions that are none of your damn business?”
“Let me guess. You transferred here to get away from him? You told Tommy you were emotionally unavailable, and now, he’s chasing you because you turned him down. Only this isn’t a game to you. You really aren’t available.”
I rolled my eyes and sat back. “Let’s not pretend he doesn’t have issues of his own.”
“Exactly. So, why don’t you both make it easier on this department and knock it the hell off?”
“You have your own problems. Concentrate on those instead of mine.” I stood.
“I saw what it did to him…when Camille left the last time. It was even worse when he came back after Trent and Cami’s car accident. Cami chose Trent, but Tommy has never stopped loving her. I’m not trying to be a dick here, Liis, but he’s my friend. I might be in your business, but Tommy was different after he’d lost Cami—and not for the better. He’s just now showing signs of the man he used to be before she broke his heart.”
“Tommy?” I said, unimpressed.
Marks craned his neck at me. “Is that all you got out of everything I just told you? This isn’t a pissing match, Liis. I’m not trying to take him from you. I’m trying to save him from you.”
As bitter as it tasted, I tried to swallow the shame. My struggle was clear because the anger in Marks’s eyes vanished.
“I can appreciate that you’re committed to the job and that you’re focused,” he said. “But if you can’t find a way to love the job and him, too…just don’t fuck him over while you’re trying to figure out if you’ve got a heart.”
The shame was quickly replaced by anger. “Eat shit, Marks,” I said before leaving his office.
I buzzed myself through the security door and marched to my office.
“Lindy,” Agent Sawyer began.
“Not now,” I said before slamming the door to my office to make a point.
Once again, I was in my chair with the back facing the glass wall. The blinds were closed from when Thomas had been in here before, but I still needed to feel the tall back between me and the squad room.
After a small knock on the door, it opened. By the lack of greeting and the sound of someone sitting in the club chair, I knew it could only be Val.
“Fuzzy’s today?”
“Not today. I definitely need to spend my lunch hour in the fitness room.”
“Okay.”
I spun around. “That’s it? No interrogation?”
“I don’t have to. I’ve been watching you all morning. First, you hide in here, and Maddox runs in after you. Then, your ex shows up, and Maddox is up here, yelling at everyone like he used to.” She waggled her eyebrows. “He’s got it bad.”
I looked away. “I just broke Jackson’s heart—again. What the hell was I thinking? I knew something had happened to Thomas. Hell, you told me on day one he’d been burned. Marks is right.”
Val stiffened. “What did Marks say?”
“That I should stay away from Thomas. That I couldn’t commit to Jackson, and it’s likely that I can’t commit to anyone else.”
Val made a face. “You’re lying. He isn’t that much of a brazen dick.”
“He is when it comes to me. And to clarify, yes, I was paraphrasing.”
“Then, those are your fears talking. But if you like Maddox, Liis, don’t let a failed relationship govern your next one. Just because you didn’t love Jackson doesn’t mean you can’t love Maddox.”
“He still loves her,” I said, not trying to hide the wounded tone in my voice.
“Camille? She was the one who got away, Liis. He’ll probably always love her.”
A sick feeling came over me, and I curled my shoulders inward, feeling actual physical pain seeping all the way into my bones.
We haven’t known each other for that long. Why do I have such strong feelings for him?
I couldn’t ask that though. It made me too vulnerable, made me feel too weak.
I spoke aloud the only question I could, “Do you think he can love two people?”
“Can you love one?” she snapped back.
I shook my head, touching my fingers to my lips.
Val had no sympathy in her eyes. “You’re really kind of bringing this on yourself. Be with him or not. But Marks is right. Don’t fuck with Maddox’s emotions. I realize you told him once that you’re emotionally unavailable, but you’re behaving differently.”
“Because I like him. I think I more than like him. But I don’t want to.”
“Then, be straight with him, and don’t give him mixed signals.”
“It’s hard not to when that’s all I’ve got going on here,” I said, motioning to the space between my head and heart.
She shook her head. “I understand that, but you’re going to have to make a decision and stick with it, or you’ll just look like a bitch.”
I sighed. “I don’t have time for this. I have a job to do.”
“Then, get your shit straight, and do it.” Val stood up and left my office without another word.
I sat at my desk, my hands folded, as I glared down at them. She was right. Marks was right. Jackson was right. Not only was I in no position to experiment with my commitment phobia, but also, Thomas was definitely not the guy to try it with.
I stood and made my way to Constance’s desk. Unsure if I was breathless or just nervous, I asked to see Special Agent Maddox.
“He’s in his office,” Constance said without checking her earpiece. “Go right in.”
“Thank you,” I said, breezing past her.
“Hey,” Thomas said, standing and smiling the moment he recognized who was barging in.
“I can’t…do this. The date. I’m sorry.”
Thomas’s guard instantly flew up, and I hated myself for it.
“Did you change your mind about Jackson?” he asked.
“No! No…I’m…not sure I feel any different about relationships than I did when I left Chicago, and I don’t think it’s fair to you to try.”
Thomas’s shoulders relaxed. “That’s it? That’s your spiel?”
“Huh?”
“Unless you can look me in the eye right now and tell me you didn’t like it when I kissed you this morning, I’m not buying it.”
“I…you…” That wasn’t the response I’d expected. “You’ve had your heart broken. I just broke someone’s heart.”
Thomas shrugged. “He wasn’t right for you.”
He walked around his desk and toward me. I took several slow small steps backward until my backside was touching the massive conference table.
&nbs
p; Thomas leaned in, just inches from my face.
I recoiled. “We have an assignment next week, sir. We should probably focus on a game plan.”
He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose. “Please stop calling me sir.”
“Why does it bother you so much now?”
“It doesn’t bother me.” He shook his head, scanning over my face with such longing I couldn’t move. “Our assignment is to pose as a couple.”
His minty breath was warm on my cheek. The need to turn and feel his mouth on mine was so urgent that my chest ached.
“Since when did you start calling me sir again?”
I looked up at him. “Since now. The attraction is obvious, but—”
“That’s an understatement. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you walking around the office in a skirt, knowing you never wear panties?”
I puffed out a breath. “There is something between us. I’m aware. We slept together less than twenty minutes after we’d met, for Christ’s sake. But I’m trying to do you a favor. Do you hear me? I want this to be very clear. I like you…a lot. I admit it. But I suck at relationships. More importantly, I don’t want you to get hurt again. And…neither do your friends.”
Thomas smirked. “You’ve been talking to Marks, haven’t you?”
“I’m also trying to spare us the squad-room theatrics that we both know will come if this doesn’t work out.”
“Are you saying I’m dramatic?”
“Temperamental,” I clarified. “And I can’t follow through. We were doomed from the start.”
“You stayed with Jackson for how many years after you had known you didn’t want to marry him?”
“Too many,” I said, ashamed.
Thomas watched me for a moment, analyzing me. I hated that feeling. The power and control that came with being on the other side was much more preferable.
“You’re scared,” he said. His words were gentle, understanding.
“Aren’t you?” I asked, looking up, straight into his beautiful hazel eyes.
He bent down and kissed the corner of my mouth, lingering there for a while, savoring it. “What are you scared of?” he whispered, cupping my elbows.
“The truth?”
He nodded, his eyes closed, his nose tracing my jaw.
“In a few days, you’re going to see Camille, and you’ll be heartbroken. I won’t like it, and neither will the office.”
“You think I’m going to get hurt and start being an angry asshole again?”
“Yes.”
“You’re wrong. I’m not going to lie. It won’t be fun. I’m not going to enjoy it. But…I don’t know. Things don’t seem as hopeless as they did before.” He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed. He looked so relieved, so happy to be saying these things out loud. He didn’t seem to be nervous or afraid at all. “And you’re right. We need to focus and finish this assignment to ensure that Trav gets out of trouble. By then, maybe you can let go of this ridiculous notion that you can’t be successful at both your career and a relationship, and once we’ve both got a clear conscience, you can decide if we’re going on that date or not.”
I frowned.
He chuckled, touching his thumb to my chin. “What now?”
“I’m not sure. Something’s not right. You’re too okay about this.”
“Talk to Val. Ask her if I’m lying.”
“She doesn’t work like that.”
“Yes, she does. Ask her.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed my lips closed with his thumb. “Ask her.”
I leaned away. “Fine. Have a good day, sir.”
“Don’t call me sir. I want you out of the habit before we go to the ceremony.”
“Agent Maddox,” I said before walking quickly from his office.
“I don’t like that either,” he called after me.
A wide grin spread across my face. I looked over at Constance as I passed, and she was smiling, too.
VAL HELD THE WINE GLASS TO HER LIPS. Her legs were stretched out across my couch in her charcoal-gray lounge pants, and she had on a light-blue T-shirt that read, WELL, THE PATRIARCH ISN’T GOING TO FUCK ITSELF.
“It’s been over three weeks,” she said, her thoughts as deep as they could be while floating in wine. She held the corkscrew like a weapon between her fingers, but then she crossed her legs like a lady.
“What’s your point?” I asked.
“He’s just so…I don’t want to say he’s in love. It’s a little premature for that. But he’s so…in love.”
“You’re absurd.”
“What about you?” she asked.
“I like him,” I said after a little thought. “A lot.” There was no point in lying to Val.
“What is that like? To actually like Thomas Maddox? I’ve hated him for so long that it’s so foreign. To me, he’s not really human.”
“Maybe that’s what I like.”
“Lie.”
“I meant that he does have a human side, and I like that I’m the only one he allows to see it. It’s sort of our secret—something he keeps just for me.”
She swirled the wine around in her glass and then tipped it back against her mouth, swallowing the last bit. “Oh, be careful. That sounds dangerously like you’re in it to win it, sunshine.”
“You’re right. I take it back.”
“Well, on that depressing note, the wine is gone, so I am gone.”
“I feel used.”
“But you enjoyed it.” She winked. “See you in the morning.”
“You want me to walk you?”
“I’m on the next block,” she said, her drunken look of disapproval not at all intimidating.
“What is that like?” I asked. “Living in the same building as Sawyer?”
“I used to like it.” She picked up the empty bottle and carried it to the kitchen counter. “But that didn’t last long. Now, I just ignore him.”
“Why does everyone detest him so much?”
“You’ll learn,” she said.
I frowned. “Why does it have to be such a secret? Why can’t you just tell me?”
“Trust me when I say that being told he’s a bastard doesn’t help. You have to experience it for yourself.”
I shrugged. “And Marks? Doesn’t he live there, too?”
“He lives downtown.”
“I don’t know what to think about him,” I said, standing. “I think he hates me.”
“Marks and Maddox have a bromance. It’s gross.” She walked with an astonishing amount of balance for being a bottle and a half in.
I laughed. “I’m going to bed.”
“All right. Good night, geese with an L.” She showed herself out, and I heard the elevator ding.
Already in drinking-wine-at-home clothes, I fell onto my mattress, facedown on top of my yellow-and-gray comforter.
My ears perked up when a knocking noise broke the silence. At first, I thought it was someone down the hall, but then it was louder.
“Val,” I called, annoyed that I had to stand again. I walked across the kitchen and living room to open the door. “You should have just stayed—” My voice pinched off when I recognized Jackson standing in the doorway, looking desperate and drunk.
“Liis.”
“Jesus Christ, Jackson. What are you doing here?”
“I went to the Top Gun bar like you said. Got drunk. There are some hot, hot”—he squinted his eyes—“women in this town.” His face fell. “It made me miss you even more,” he whined, trudging past me into the living room.
My entire body tensed. He wasn’t part of my new life, and it made me nearly frantic to have Jackson standing in my new Jackson-free condo. “You can’t be here,” I began.
“I don’t want to do those things without you,” he slurred. “I want to experience San Diego with you. Maybe if…if I transferred here, too—”
“Jackson, you’re drunk. You barely listen to me when you’re sober. Let’s call you
a cab.”
I walked toward my phone, but Jackson got to it before I could, and he tossed it across the room. It skidded across the floor and slammed against the baseboard.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelled before quickly covering my mouth.
I scurried over to retrieve my phone from the floor. It was lying on its face next to the baseboard it had collided with. I inspected it to make sure it wasn’t damaged. Miraculously, it wasn’t cracked or even dinged.
“I’m sorry!” Jackson yelled back, leaning forward and holding up his hands. “Don’t call a cab, Liisee.”
He intermittently swayed from side to side to keep his balance. I couldn’t remember ever seeing him so intoxicated.
“I’ll just sleep here with you.”
“No,” I said, my tone firm. “You’re not staying here.”
“Liis,” he said, walking toward me, his round eyes half closed and glossed over. He wasn’t even looking at me but past me, weaving back and forth. He took my shoulders in his hands and leaned in, his lips puckered and his eyes closed.
I dodged, and we both tumbled to the floor.
“Damn it, Jackson!” I scrambled up, and I watched him struggle to get his bearings.
Reaching up and rocking to sit up, he looked like a turtle on its shell. I groaned.
He climbed to his knees and began to blubber.
“Oh no. Oh, please. Please stop,” I said, holding out my hands.
I helped him up and then began to dial the number for a cab. Jackson swatted my phone from my hands, and again, it crashed to the floor.
I let go of his arm, letting him fall—hard. “That’s it! I’ve tried to be nice. Get out!”
“You can’t just kick me out of your life, Liis! I love you!” He slowly climbed to stand.
I covered my eyes. “You are going to be so embarrassed tomorrow.”
“No, I’m not!” He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. “What’s it going to take for you to hear me? I can’t just let you go! You’re the love of my life!”
“You’re not giving me a choice,” I said, grabbing hold of his fingers and bending them backward.
He cried out, more from shock than pain. That move might have worked on any other drunken idiot but not FBI SWAT. Even drunk, Jackson quickly maneuvered from my grasp and was grabbing at me again.
Beautiful Redemption (Maddox Brothers #2) Page 13