by AK Waters
Devin expected no less from her husband.
Ann went home to shower and change. Devin slept for a few hours on the sofa. When Ann came back, they spent the rest of the day cleaning.
By the time Jeremy arrived to cook them dinner, the house looked better than the day Devin and Cruz moved in. Devin was still drained despite the nap, and Jeremy and Ann did their best to laugh and keep Devin preoccupied with other subjects. She knew what they were doing and she welcomed it. Dwelling on everything that happened was only going to rattle her further.
After they ate Devin hugged Jeremy and Ann tightly as they walked toward the door to leave. She had been so lucky to have such dear friends.
"I'm serious… all you have to do is call me and I'll come running," Jeremy said. "Don't get yourself worked up tonight. Relax. This will all work out and soon be over. He's coming home."
Ann nodded. "And you know how close I am. Call me if you can't sleep. I'll be up."
For the first time in five weeks, Devin climbed into her own bed. Cruz’s bed. She stared at the ceiling in anticipation. She could not wait to be in his arms again.
Chapter Nineteen
Coming Home
Devin spent the next two days in a blur, cleaning and re-cleaning the house. She barely ate. When Ann suggested she take her paints to the yard, she complied but ended up not even looking at the canvas on the easel. Devin stared into space and wondered if she were being punished now.
Finally, Ann called to tell her there would be word coming down and she needed to meet her with the rest of the families.
There was an informational gathering in the community center on base for all the family members of SEAL Team Five. Wives, girlfriends and parents had come. The room seemed to have naturally divided itself into the bitter and the sweet.
There were two chaplains on the bitter side and it was much more crowded. Selma Torres was one of the lucky ones, but she was on the other side of the room supporting her friend Laura. Devin watched them, feeling so sorry for Laura. As Laura turned to hug someone, Devin gasped at the realization that she was pregnant.
Ann stepped close. “Yeah, she’s about four months along. Let’s go sit down. Sam’s ready.”
As the admiral spoke about flight procedures there were stoic faces, tears streaming down others and people who had clearly been medicated. Ann squeezed Devin’s hand and crossed the room to kneel beside Ali Conners’ chair.
Devin realized it was Ali who had waved to her from the Coffee Shop the day she left the base. Ali’s toddler was running and laughing. Ali's lips trembled.
"I’m the best babysitter on the West Coast and would love to take that cutie-pie any time you need," Ann offered.
Devin admired her friend so much right now but she was paralyzed by a debilitating combination of fear and guilt. Why was she so lucky? A part of her screamed it was a horrible joke and she should be on the other side of the room, gathered with the families of the deceased. She couldn't concentrate on what the admiral was saying. She felt so disconnected right now, and found herself staring at Laura.
* * * * *
Devin prepared for her husband's homecoming and trying to keep busy. When she stopped moving she began to cry, so her time was spent in busy work. She was pressing his dress uniform for the memorial service when the doorbell rang. A group of wives whose husbands were in other units had stopped by with casseroles and pies. They congratulated her and complimented her on her bravery. It was like a stab to her heart. She had not been that woman. She was not that SEAL wife.
Two days later the morning finally arrived. Devin dressed with care. It had been six weeks since she had seen him and so much had happened. Her nerves were a mess. She decided at the last minute not to wear any mascara. She no longer needed to be the center of attention or be passive-aggressive toward the other women. She just needed to get her husband back. That was the only thing that mattered.
The admiral had told them that the coffins would come off the plane first, so the families of the fallen could leave if they needed to, before the six others deplaned. They might not want to witness the reunions.
Just before she walked out the front door, Devin took her wedding band from her chain and slipped it on her finger.
* * * * *
Cruz was the first of the survivors to enter the waiting area. He was on crutches, scanning the room.
She found him before he saw her. He was thin, almost gaunt, with a huge gash on his head, but surprisingly clean-shaven.
She might have passed him on the street and not known him. Quietly, she stepped up to Cruz and slipped her arms under his crutches, pressing her body against his. Without any words, he buried his face into her hair. She breathed in his smell. It felt familiar and strange all at the same time. Others began to gather around him, to shake his hand and hug him. Devin stepped back staring in relief. He was here. Really here. Alive. He was hers again.
Devin let him have his moments with the other men and their families, but as he spoke to each person in turn he kept one eye on Devin, and he smiled and nodded to her every few seconds. She wasn't going to let him out of her sight.
* * * * *
On the ride back to the base the admiral wanted Cruz’s input on the memorial for the next day to honor the fallen men.
As Cruz gave personal notes to his commander, all Devin could do was caress his hand and think of how lucky she was.
When the admiral’s car pulled away, they went inside their home, standing in the living room as though they were teenagers on a first date. Not knowing what to say or do.
"The house looks great baby," Cruz said softly. "I didn’t know if I'd ever see it again… or you."
"Are you hungry?" Devin asked, trying not to cry.
"I'm really tired," Cruz said, adjusting the crutches. "I can't be on my feet too long or I get winded. Imagine that… me getting winded."
Devin helped him into the bedroom and propped pillows under his leg. "Are you sure I can't get you something to eat? Something to drink?"
He pulled her down next him. "I just want you to lay here beside me."
She carefully gave him a soft kiss on the forehead and rested her head on his chest. She was afraid of hurting him. In so many ways.
"I wasn’t sure you would be here," Cruz said. "I’m so sorry for what I put you through. For what this life puts you through."
She quickly pressed her lips to quiet him. "Not now Cruz. Just rest."
Exhausted, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Chapter Twenty
Sealed
Words could not describe the memorial service. Riggs’ funeral was painful enough but there were ten flags here, representing the fallen with so many broken hearts to honor them.
Arriving at the military chapel, Cruz and the rest of the surviving SEAL Team Five members were greeted by a row of seven Naval Officers holding rifles by their sides, posed in readiness for the gun salute to come.
Devin followed with the other family members. During the ceremony she couldn’t take her eyes off of her husband. She had come so close to losing him.
She cried as the service progressed, but there wasn't a dry eye in the rows of family and friends. Devin noted many of the men in uniform were trying to hide their pain as well and be good soldiers.
At the end of the service, as the officer’s handed the next of kin the folded triangles, she felt how powerful these rituals and ceremonies were. They gave comfort to these families. It was a small gesture that would hopefully lead to closure and knowing the sacrifice these men made for their country and family.
When Ali Connors held hers up for her little girl to kiss, it almost broke Devin’s heart. She glanced over at Laura, who lifted her chin as she placed hers gently in her lap.
* * * * *
Later, at the reception Cruz made a point to speak with every fallen SEALs family. He looked so tired and weak but Devin knew better than to try to stop him.
She was sipping punch wh
en she saw him hobble in his crutches toward Laura. He was telling her that when the baby was old enough, he had lots of stories to share about Murray. Laura held her belly and put her other hand on Cruz’s shoulder and said quietly and bravely "I’m holding you to that."
When Cruz turned away Devin stepped in close. "I am so, so sorry, Laura. I know you have a lot of good friends here to help you but I would love to... help... lend you a hand in any way. I could do laundry. I would even mow your lawn."
Laura looked her straight in the eye. "I will find something for you to do if you'd like, but don’t touch my lawn. You suck at it." Laura gave her a tearful wink, and squeezed her hand tightly.
The rest of that day and night had been a blur for Devin and Cruz. Ann and the admiral asked them to dinner but Cruz told them his family would be descending on Coronado in a couple of days and they needed some time alone together.
Ann’s eyes met Devin’s and Ann shook her head. She had pulled Devin aside earlier to advise her that if she was as happy to have him home as she seemed, not to stage a drama just to relieve her conscience.
But Devin’s conscience was so heavy. She felt that if she didn’t confess she was deceiving him all over again.
Once again, they walked into their home dead tired. Devin helped him undress and lower himself into the bath. It was a bit of an ordeal with the cast. As she soaped his back she was overwhelmed by the realization that she could be the strong one for once. That she could take care of him. This made her love him even more.
She leaned down to kiss him. It felt real, mature, and deeper than ever. They had been through so much. His vulnerability seemed to sweep away all her fears. Maybe Ann was right...
They still hadn't talked much, overwhelmed by everything going on around them. Devin knew Cruz would tell her everything in his own good time, and she wasn't worried he was keeping anything. She worried her own bad decisions would haunt her, though.
Once she helped him dress, Devin went to make them something to eat. Bacon was sizzling on the stove, and the smell of fresh scrambled eggs filled the kitchen as he limped in.
"It’s breakfast for dinner. My favorite when I was a little girl," Devin said.
Cruz was wincing in pain.
"Is it your leg? Do you need a painkiller? I’ll get it."
He caught her arm as she headed to the bathroom. "You’re too good to me. You’re an angel. You know that?" Cruz asked.
Devin pulled her arm away.
"Don’t say that, Cruz. It’s not true." She went back to the stove and turned the burner off.
Her back was to him as he spoke. "You haven’t mentioned the promise I broke. How lonely you must have been, yet you haven’t complained once."
Devin slammed down the spatula she was holding. "Stop it. I’m not an angel. I am far from it, and I never once forgot the promise you broke."
He limped over to the kitchen table and sat down. "I can’t make excuses. This mission was so big. I didn’t stop to think. I can make it up to you."
She couldn’t take it anymore. She rushed over and put her hand to his mouth. "Stop it. Don’t compare yourself to me. I was selfish this entire time on the base. I behaved like a spoiled, whiny child while you devoted yourself to something bigger," she stammered. "I walked out. I left and moved in with Jeremy."
Cruz stared at her and she could see it sinking in. "Okay, I understand. I did the one thing you begged me not to do. I left you here, alone again. You needed a break from all this intense bullshit. I can grasp that. Why are you making it such a big deal? I love that Jeremy guy."
"It wasn’t a break. Don’t you get it? I moved out. I left you. I quit on us. As the weeks went by and you didn’t call, I started a new life. I was going to divorce you."
His face looked stricken but she couldn’t turn back now.
"I met someone," she said. "And I suppose you did as well." Devin pulled the slip of paper from her pocket. "I found this in the bottom of the closet."
Cruz tried to stand up. "What are you telling me? You’ve met someone else and you’re leaving me?" His voice cracked and he looked smaller than he ever had. Even his dimples seemed to fade.
"No, no. I love you more than ever, but I can’t live this way without you knowing certain things. Things that happened while you were gone. You’re a better person than I am. You’re committed and self-sacrificing, all the things I’m not. But I can do better. I know that now. I want to share this life with you." Devin shook the note in her hand.
"Did you sleep with this guy?" Cruz asked. There was so much pain in his eyes.
"I kissed him. That’s it. I was angry. I figured you weren’t calling because you were tired of my complaining and had obviously found someone else." Tears were streaming down Devin’s face.
Cruz glanced at the note and shook his head. "The note says Neu B. As in Newbie, what the new guys are called on Team Five and everywhere else. It's Sarge Murray's little prank he pulls on all of us. I had it in my duffle bag. It must've slipped out. I swear. You can ask anyone. I don't have a girlfriend on the side. I don't need one. I love you."
Cruz sat back down. She knelt in front of him. "Please forgive me," she said.
"Get up, Devin."
Her heart froze. God, this is over, she thought. She sat at the table across from him.
"Protocol isn’t the only reason I don’t tell you about my missions. They’re usually hell, baby. I’m trained to deal with what I do, but you don’t need those things in your head."
In that moment, all she could think was: he called me baby. There’s still hope. She reached her hand across the table. For a moment he hesitated, but then took it and started twisting her wedding band.
"The fire fight broke out at sea. I swam to shore with this leg and was stranded in the brush for two days. I didn’t think I would ever see you again."
Devin wiped a tear away.
"From what they’ve told me, a local kid found me and took me home. His sister was a nursing student at a little clinic. They hid me at their house, a shack really. The sister, Melina, she took care of me, got me medicine." A long pause followed, and he looked out the window. "I had a fever for a long time. I think Melina saved my life."
The way he said her name, the way he looked into the distance, made Devin’s stomach turn. She pulled her hand away in dread. A cold fear filled her body. "You didn’t have to tell me her goddamn name. And I won’t ask you the question you asked me because I think I know the answer."
"Devin, I have never loved any other woman but you.”
Devin’s head was spinning; she was feeling so many things at once. As her anger seemed to melt she still said "I can’t look at you right now."
She got up, rushed out and slammed the bedroom door. Devin threw herself on the bed, buried her face in her pillow and screamed. After a long pause, she felt him standing in the doorway.
When she finally sat up, with red eyes and disheveled hair, she saw he was staring at her. The way he looked at her gave Devin the courage to brush her hair back off her face and ask him to sit beside her.
"We love each other. That was never our problem. You have been treating me like that college girl you met at the gas station. And I’ve been acting like a helpless child who doesn’t know what she wants out of life. I don’t need you to protect me from reality. You brought me into this life, so make me a full partner."
She gently took his hand and after a moment continued. "And for my part, I will make a real effort to support your career because I do respect what you do. I will go to barbeques, and you will go to art galleries. And you will never touch another woman but me. Do you accept my terms?"
The relief and tenderness on his face revealed everything. Through it all, their love had only deepened. They would make it. She knew that now. Cruz ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her face toward his.
"I accept your terms, Devin Diaz."
He put his lips on hers and sealed it with a kiss.
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