by Kat Mizera
She shut her suitcase. “And that’s not the man I fell in love with. You need to think long and hard about how much you really want to be with me, Zaan, because this shit you just pulled? That’s not something I can live with.”
She grabbed her things and pulled her keys out of her purse. She opened the front door and paused, her back to me.
I didn’t know what the hell to say or do. Everything had just come crashing down on both of us and I was a thousand percent responsible.
“Lexi…please don’t go. Can’t we talk about this?”
“I’m sorry, Zaan. We’re way beyond talking now.”
Then the woman I loved more than my own life walked out the door without looking back.
27
Lexi
I was too emotional to go to my dad’s, so I called Casey instead and she invited me over. I hadn’t meant to impose on her, but Dad and Mack were almost as close to Zaan as I was, and I needed a little distance from him right now. That he’d gone behind my back hurt me, and while it hadn’t been malicious, it reminded me so much of my mother. She’d done so many things like this when I’d been growing up, trying to keep me from going on field trips, from sleepovers at Lindsey’s house, so many things that kept me at home.
When the breast cancer hit, she’d lost her mind, going from hysterical with worry to insanely overbearing. I’d moved in with Dad for the surgery itself, but once school started, I’d had no choice but to go back to my mother because Dad had been on the road and I’d needed a lot of care through the chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I’d left my mother’s house the day after my final radiation treatment, telling my father I would run away if he didn’t let me live with him and Mack. The relationship between my mother and me had never recovered and Zaan just didn’t understand how much what he’d done hurt me.
“You want some wine?” Casey asked as we settled into her den.
“I’m good. I don’t want to drink if you can’t.”
“It’s fine.” She smiled and poured me a glass. “Now tell me what happened.”
I told her everything and she listened without saying much.
“Was I wrong?” I asked softly, chewing my lip. “I love him more than anything, but this felt so invasive…so fucking condescending.”
“I don’t know about condescending…” Casey wrinkled her nose. “And no, you’re not wrong, but let me tell you a little story that puts things in perspective. When Erik and I fell in love, it was truly the most magical time in my life. We were each other’s soulmates, and we had our future planned out. When his cousin killed the sitting king and half of the remaining royal family, Erik did the unthinkable—he faked his death to protect me and our unborn child. He didn’t tell me, or discuss it with me, he just made a unilateral decision. It changed the course of both our lives and we lost eleven years together. He missed the first eleven years of his son’s life. I was ruined, both mentally and emotionally, and if it hadn’t been for music and my child, I don’t know what would have happened to me.
“So, imagine how upset I was when I found out what he’d done. He’d ruined everything without even giving me a say in the matter, and breaking my heart too, since I mourned him for eleven fucking years. But…did he do it to hurt me or did he do it because he thought he was protecting the woman he loved and our child? His cousin would almost definitely have tried to kill us had he not done what he did, so when he came back, I had to make a choice. Forgive him for being overbearing and making decisions for both of us, or walk away and continue to be without him?”
I sighed. “You’re saying I should forgive him.”
“I’m saying, it’s not black-and-white. Did he do something wrong? Yeah. For sure. And if there’s any chance at all for the two of you to have a future, there might be couples’ counseling or some other form of therapy necessary to work through this. I wouldn’t give up, though. Not if you two love each other the way I think you do.”
“My mother did shit like this and she and I don’t have a relationship anymore because of it.”
“That’s different. From what you’ve told me in the past, it was all about manipulation with her. I don’t think Zaan is trying to manipulate you so much as fix everything because, you know, that’s what guys do. He said he wanted you to do the project with us, right? And he’s always been supportive.”
“That’s just it. He is supportive, but then he turns around and does something that makes me feel incapable, incompetent. He didn’t trust me to find a lawyer that could give me a second opinion.”
“But did you tell him you were doing that?”
“No. I was going to surprise him.”
“And he reacted the way he did after he found out about the lump, a knee-jerk reaction because he was scared. I’m truly not taking his side. There are huge trust issues going on here, perhaps on both your parts, because I would have told Erik that I’d contacted another lawyer. Right away. I don’t know what the communication issues are between you, but that part is on you. The rest, well, he is absolutely going to have to do some soul-searching. I think, short-term, you need to let him be. Let him sort through this, see if he reaches out.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Casey’s eyes met mine. “Maybe that’s your answer. Obviously, in our case, Erik thought my life would be in danger, so he stayed away eleven years, but your situation isn’t literally life-and-death, so I think you’ll be okay.”
“Do you think I could crash here tonight?” I whispered. “I just can’t go to my dad’s and talk about this again and again.”
“I have a lovely guest room you can crash in.” She smiled. “And yes, you’re welcome to stay as long as you like. Because I’m now married to a king, security is over-the-top around here, so be prepared to be searched every time you come in and out, but if that doesn’t bother you, you’re welcome.”
“I have nothing to hide in that regard,” I said dryly.
I went for the biopsy and removal of the lump a few days later. It was done in the office with local anesthetic because I didn’t want to be put under, so I was home in a few hours. Mack had stayed with me through the whole thing and my dad came home from the arena early that day so he could check on me. Overall, it hadn’t been bad at all, and the only hard part would be waiting for the results of the biopsy. I was trying to think positive, but added to the breakup with Zaan, another cancer scare was the last thing I needed.
“This series is a bear,” Dad said that night over dinner. “We’re getting our asses handed to us. I don’t know that we’re going to pull this off.”
Glad to talk about something other than cancer or my breakup with Zaan, I was sympathetic. “That last game was awful. It looked like everyone was going in a different direction.”
“It happens,” Dad said, shaking his head. “Sometimes a team gets under your skin and you can’t shake it, individually or as a group.”
“So if you lose tomorrow, it’s over, right?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yup. We’re down three games to one, so if we lose tomorrow, the season is over.”
“How’s Zaan?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“He’s definitely not himself.” His eyes met mine. “I haven’t really talked to him about anything, though. I’m in the middle and I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“I know. I’m sorry to make it awkward for you. I thought about reaching out, but definitely not until hockey season is over. I don’t want to be any more of a distraction than I already am.”
“Do you think you’re going to work it out?” he asked softly.
“I hope so, but right now, it’s not looking good.” I pushed my plate back. “I’m tired. I’m going to go lie down. Thanks for being there today, Mack.”
“Any time.” She smiled as I left the room.
I sank down on my bed and sighed. Living with my dad again felt so weird after living with Zaan, but it was easier this way and having Mack around before and after my procedu
re made me feel better. I wanted to text Zaan to update him, but this wasn’t the time. And honestly, what was there to say?
Despite missing Zaan, I barely slept some nights. I was that excited to get back to the studio every day. Now that I was completely free of Special Kay, I could focus on something I loved and I threw myself into it. I’d hoped that Zaan would reach out now that hockey season had ended for the Sidewinders since they’d lost the other night, but I hadn’t heard from him at all and though that part was painful, it made my professional life easier. I wanted to make time for everyone, especially Zaan and my family, but my life seemed to spiral out of control whenever I was working. Part of me suspected I needed to find a better balance, but this wasn’t the time to slow down.
“We have the sound stage booked for the eighteenth,” Casey was saying as we met one morning for our daily meeting before we started to play. “We’ll do the live recordings for ‘Paradise’ as well as some promotional stuff, and then we’re going to play at the Whiskey in L.A. on the twentieth. Not me, of course, but—”
“Wait, wait,” I interrupted her. “I was supposed to be leaving for Scotland that week. I don’t know what’s happening with Zaan and me, so it might be moot, but I’d hate to be unavailable for a big team wedding if we manage to work things out.”
“Oh, shit.” Casey grimaced. “I forgot about that. I’m so sorry, Lexi. Do you want me to see if I can move it? They kind of shoved us in there last-minute, so I don’t know if that can be changed unless you guys want to wait for August.”
Everyone was staring at me and I blew out a breath. “Zaan and I aren’t together right now, but I haven’t given up hope so I really don’t want to schedule something that’s going to be a conflict right out of the box. Just in case.”
“You could fly out of L.A. the next day,” Tyler said, since the Whiskey was located in Los Angeles on the infamous Sunset Strip.
“Let me try to change it,” Casey said softly.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll figure it out.” Though I said the words, I had a feeling Zaan would be pissed and this wasn’t going to go over well. Plus, I’d been really looking forward to visiting Edinburgh. I’d only played in Scotland once, in Glasgow, and we hadn’t had any time to do much of anything else, so Scotland was on my bucket list of places I wanted to visit. I’d already disappointed him by vetoing the Norway trip, and now I was going to cut our Scotland trip short by at least a day, too.
The irony of the fact that we were broken up didn’t escape me, and I felt kind of ridiculous, but I did love him enough to want to make things right between us if I could. Scheduling something that would prevent me from going to the wedding felt like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship, and I wasn’t ready to go there yet. As angry and frustrated as I was with him, he was still my everything. The idea of moving on, of never being together again, was unfathomable.
28
Zaan
The end of the Sidewinders’ season was another huge blow in my life. As if ruining everything with Lexi wasn’t bad enough, now my professional life was a disaster too. We just hadn’t been able to pull it off, and though getting to the third and final round of the playoffs two years in a row was nothing to be embarrassed about, I still was. I certainly hadn’t pulled my weight the last few games, and though everyone had been off, I didn’t like being a weak link.
As I cleaned out my locker two days after the loss that ended our season, the room was pretty quiet. Most of my buddies were there, like Ian and Nate and Tore, but we were all pretty subdued. This was a stark contrast to this time last year, and though Ian had his wedding to look forward to, my summer was stretching out ahead of me bleakly.
“Anyone want to golf tomorrow?” Tore asked. “I need to find shit to do or I’m going to lose my mind.”
I hated golfing, but sitting home staring at the walls didn’t sound like fun either, so I shrugged. “I guess. Fresh air never hurt anyone.”
“When are you heading to Scotland?” Nate asked Ian.
“Not quite yet, though we might leave early since the season’s over,” he responded.
“I’m in for golfing,” Nate said. “Chelsea and I are going to Scotland early as well. We’re going to visit Loch Ness and travel around a bit before the wedding.”
“So, I asked Margot to be my date to the wedding,” Tore announced, though he didn’t look at any of us.
“Well?” Ian demanded. “What’d she say, mate?”
“She, uh…” He sighed. “She asked if I meant as friends, and I panicked and said yes.”
We all booed him, with Nate throwing a rolled-up pair of socks at him and Ian thumping him on the back of the head with his open hand.
“Seriously, dude, what is your issue?” Royce asked, joining the fun. “You’re into her. She’s into you. What’s the—”
“I don’t think she’s into me,” Tore said, closing his locker. “She friend-zoned me on day one, and no matter what I do, she hasn’t sent any signals that she’s changed her mind.”
“Have you asked her?” Nate countered.
“I asked her to be my date for the wedding and she reiterated the friend thing.”
“But you didn’t tell her you wanted more,” I pointed out.
He scowled. “I was scared, okay? I thought Jen and I were in it forever and look how wrong I was. I don’t know how to take that step with Margot. There’s a kid involved this time, which means we both have to be super careful. Gracie’s already important to me, so I can’t imagine fucking this up completely by making the wrong move with Margot.”
I turned my back, fidgeting with my things as I tried not to think about my own fuck-up. I hadn’t heard from Lexi and hadn’t reached out to her either. I just didn’t know what to say. And though I loved her, she’d been right in saying I needed to think long and hard about what I wanted. Both from her and from a relationship. Was it that important to me to have a woman at home, waiting for me while I did my own thing? And how was that fair? Though I hadn’t meant to insinuate she was incompetent, and I’d truly been trying to help, I also didn’t want her to leave me again.
I didn’t know how to reconcile that, so here we were. It was spectacularly ironic since the end result was us being apart, which was the one thing I’d been hoping to avoid.
“Boys, I just wanted to say goodbye and have a good summer.” Rob stuck his head in the door. “Try to stay out of trouble.”
Everyone called out to him, but I followed him into the hallway. “Hey, Coach?”
“Yeah?” He turned.
“Has Lexi gotten the results of the biopsy yet?” I asked, since that was a generic but important question that wouldn’t make him feel like he had to take sides.
Rob shook his head. “No. It’s killing us. But I’ll make sure to text you when we hear anything, unless she does it first.”
“I haven’t heard from her…at all.” I hated saying the words out loud but I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m sorry, man.” Rob put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, she’s pretty torn up about it too.”
“I don’t know how to fix it,” I admitted.
“Do you want to?” His gaze was pointed.
“Well, yeah, of course. I love her.”
“But do you love her enough?”
“I don’t know how to quantify that. How much is enough? Is there a test you can take to measure something like that?”
Rob smiled. “There are two measurements, for lack of a better word, to think about. The first is, do you understand what you did wrong and are you willing to do whatever is necessary to make sure you don’t do it again? The second is much simpler: Do you miss her enough to want to move heaven and earth to fix things and be with her again?”
A plethora of emotion whipped through me that was so strong, I momentarily closed my eyes. I hated being this unsure, emotional guy but this was about Lexi. The regular rules didn’t apply when it came to her and that’s what made
this so hard.
“I just wanted to help,” I said in a hoarse voice that probably gave away how emotional I felt right now. “I didn’t want her to be stuck working with Special Kay a second longer than necessary after she found that lump. Maybe I went about it all wrong, but my only thought was eliminating any stress I had control of, because if this turns out to be cancer, she can’t deal with that shit. I still don’t understand how it went as wrong as it did.”
“And there’s the problem.” Rob leaned against the wall. “You have to think about it from her perspective. Her mother was so overbearing, and it’s hard to understand if you didn’t witness it. It’s one of many reasons we divorced. She wanted to control her, and while I don’t think that’s what you’re doing, that’s what Lexi is feeling, like someone else who’s supposed to love her is trying to control her. If you’re going to work this out, you have to let go. It’s scary as hell, especially when the C word is involved, but Lexi needs someone who’s going to give her wings. And I promise you, son…if you do, she’s always going to fly back to you.”
“How do I get us talking again? I don’t even know where to start.”
“When she gets the results of the biopsy, I’ll guilt her into calling or texting. She’ll understand that you’re worried, even if you’re broken up. From there, you’re on your own.”
“Thanks, Coach. I appreciate it.”
“You know, a ring might help.”
“A what?” I blinked at him.
“A ring. You know, the piece of jewelry you give a woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Seems to me, that’s the one thing you’ve never tried. Did it ever occur to you that she’s waiting for something to show her just how much you mean it?”
I was speechless. I truly had never thought about proposing and I was beyond embarrassed. How had this never occurred to me? “I, um…”