by B. J. Harvey
“My brother and sister-in-law live here. She’s just had a baby, so I’m in town for a few days to meet my new nephew.”
“Aww, a baby. I can’t believe Gina has a child; she’s only a year older than me.” I make a note to stock up on condoms on the way back to the condo because that’s the last thing we’d need to happen right now.
“She’s happy. That’s all that matters,” he replies, and unfortunately for me, that’s as far as he lets it go before moving the conversation on to me. “What’s it been? Six months, Drew?” he asks, holding out his hand and shaking mine—rather firmly.
I nod, squaring my shoulders as I try and prepare myself for whichever way this interaction may go. Easing my tight grip on the picnic basket, I will my muscles to relax and thankfully my shoulders drop, and with a nice, long deep breath, I slip a mask on. All the while, the only thing on my mind is how fucked I am gonna be when Benny fills in his friend Mills about what he just saw.
“Was it Vegas?” I hedge, hoping like hell he won’t contradict me. His eyes widen before a knowing smirk—one that screams “you’re totally fucked”—transforms his face.
“Ah, I know. The last time I saw you was with Mills in Cancun. Remember that night? I swear we drank at least five different brands of tequila, and by the end of each night we’d have a woman on each arm and were still on the prowl for more.”
To her credit, Ashley doesn’t react how Benny was probably expecting her to. Instead, she drops her head back and bursts out laughing. “God. You guys are still the same. Once a man-whore, always a man-whore. Am I right?” she asks, her gaze sharp with an edge only I can see. She’s not a happy camper right now, but then again, I’m not exactly jumping for joy at the fact one of her brother’s friends just happened to come across us on the other side of the country.
I go into self-preservation mode, my sole focus to get through this awkward face-off with Benny without digging myself a deeper hole. I can instigate whatever damage control I need to afterward. “It was a good trip. Isn’t that the one you ended up getting the cl—”
Benny balks, his previous smug expression disappearing faster than a hooker during a police raid. He quickly looks at his phone. “Shit, is that the time? I’ve really gotta run, but it’s nice to see you both.” He steps in to give Ash a kiss on the cheek and spears me with a look that has my balls threatening to shrink back up inside me before nodding once and walking away.
With our happy day’s mood well and truly dead and buried, Ashley stands and stares at me, a myriad of emotions passing over her face as we stare at each other in silence. It’s like the world around us continues to spin, but we’re stuck in the middle in slow motion.
“Ash, he was just—”
“Do you know what gets me about that whole scene more than anything?” she whispers, low and flat and scary as fucking hell. I don’t get the chance to reply because she keeps on going, stepping in close as she does it. “It’s not that we were seen together, and it’s not my brother finding out you’re here—which is probably the thing you’re most freaked out about. It’s the fact you’re out there fucking other women. Did you ever think about what would happen when or if the day comes that we decide to give this relationship a real fucking chance, risking losing Millen from both our lives? What will he remember? Us lying to him for years? Sneaking behind his back? Or maybe thinking back to the number of fucking women you’ve been banging since the day we met!” She’s shouting by the end of it, and as much as I want to argue everything that’s just spewed out of her, she’s absolutely right. But she’s wrong. I don’t sleep with the women, I just play the game so the guys think I am.
I have no comeback. Then I do. I reach up and softly cup her face, making sure I have her attention. “Do you ever think that maybe—just maybe—I may have had women on my arms, and I may have ‘put on a show,’ but that doesn’t mean I slept my way through Mexico?”
Her head drops, her eyes going to the ground between us. Acting on instinct, I reach out and pull her into me, not giving a single fuck who might see us.
“Ash…” I say softly, it’s not me trying to get out of anything—it’s me still not knowing what the hell I’m doing with this woman. Something she’s all too aware of.
Her hands slide up my chest until they rest on either side of my neck. Lifting her chin, she pins me with gentle, understanding eyes I swear I’ll never deserve but can’t give up.
God! The way she looks at me still floors me. She sees straight through me, all the way inside to the dark spots of my soul and shines her light on them.
“One day, we won’t need to hide. We won’t live on opposite sides of the country. We won’t have to worry about who sees us, or stealing moments whenever we can.” She flexes her fingertips against my skin. “One day, we’ll have the freedom to just be.”
I scan her face for any sign of uncertainty, finding absolutely none.
“I’ll take you however I can have you, Drew. It’s you that matters to me. I’ll take all the parts you give me, all the parts you let me see until I can have it all because I know in the end, it’ll be everything I’ll ever need.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?” I whisper, completely bewildered. She has so much faith in me—in us—that it’s awe-inspiring, yet terrifying all at the same time. Being held up on a pedestal makes the fall so much harder to take.
“The day I stop believing will be the day I know I’ve lost you, and that’s not something I’m willing to think about,” she says, slaying me with words I know will stay with me forever.
Drew 26, Ash 23
Ashley: I hope you’re ready for me.
Drew: That could mean a lot of things, mini Ross…
Ashley: Ugh, you know I hate that name.
Drew: But it’s you.
Ashley: I’m not so little anymore.
Drew: Believe me, I know that all too well.
Ashley: Behave! I’m in class.
Drew: Shouldn’t you be concentrating then?
Ashley: Shouldn’t you be working hard?
Drew: Oh, I’m hard. Working? Not so much.
Ashley: Stop it!
Drew: I will if you will.
Ashley: I can’t wait to see you. It’s been too long.
Drew: You’re the one too busy for us minions.
Ashley: If you were my minion you’d do what I wanted.
Drew: And right now, what would that be?
Ashley: Getting me out of this stupid event tonight. I mean, it’s not like my parents don’t hold this charity ball every year.
Drew: It’s not every year your brother is announced VP of your family company.
Ashley: Like he cares. He’d rather be building his own empire or getting laid.
Drew: Ha ha. He’s doing that enough.
Ashley: Just what I wanna know about my big brother.
A few minutes later, her next message comes through.
Ashley: Are you bringing a date tonight?
And there it is. As much as Ash assures me she’s okay with how things are between us, she gives herself away with questions like that. It’s not that either of us are actively dating—well I’m sure as hell not—but we agreed that it was better to stay open-minded with regards to relationships and other people.
It’s not even solely my decision anymore. After almost getting sprung in the Ross family pantry by Lana Mason at Christmas, we ended up having a heart-to-heart. Ashley’s biggest worry is causing problems with Millen—both between her and him, and me and him. It’s then we decided we needed to take a step back to reevaluate exactly what it was we wanted.
We lasted until New Year’s, proving it’s almost impossible to ignore what we have together.
Drew: Kayley is coming, but it’s strictly platonic. You know that, right?”
Ashley: I know that. We even discussed your many talents the last time we had a barbecue at your house. She’s still seen you naked. I’m predisposed to hate her for that.
; That makes me smile. As much as we don’t talk about that side of our separate lives, it always seems to creep into conversation. From her side, not mine. I’ve shut off any thoughts of anything she might get up to with any man who isn’t me. I know there’s never been anyone serious in her life, and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll cross that bridge if it happens. Ashley’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and, if her patience with me is anything to go by, fucking loyal. The longer I take to grow the courage to stand up and claim her—and vice versa—the bigger the risk that someone could steal her away.
Drew: I do have a surprise for you though.
Ashley: Does it involve something fun?
Drew: When have you ever not had fun with me?
Ashley: There was that night in Reno when you’d had too many whiskeys…
Drew: You said you wouldn’t speak of that.
Ashley: Then there’s that one time in the shower in the pool house…
Drew: If I recall, YOU had fun. Me? Not so much.
Ashley: That’s ’cause my brother cock-blocked you. Probably not for the first time either.
Drew: Ha fucking ha. Anyway, pack a bag and leave it at home. We’ll swing by there after the ball.
Ashley: Do I get a bigger clue than that at least?
Drew: Do you have to study this weekend?
Ashley: No. I’m footloose and fancy-free, and all yours for as long as you want me.
Drew: Don’t say things like that or else I’ll consider chaining you to my bed and losing the key.
Ashley: You were giving me a clue?
Drew: You won’t need many clothes.
Ashley: When do I ever when I’m staying with you?
Drew: You wouldn’t need clothes if I chained you to my bed either.
Ashley: Definitely not helping.
Drew: I’ll give you all the help you need when I see you tomorrow night.
Ashley: Love you.
Drew: Forever and always.
“So, are you taking me somewhere, or is it the other way around since it’s my family’s vacation home?” she asks as soon as we walk through the door of her family’s lake house. We’d quickly stopped by her parents’ place so she could get changed before driving back to my house for the night, then leaving early this morning for Lake Tahoe.
I drop our bags in the entryway and wrap my arms around her from behind, kissing the sensitive spot below her ear before nuzzling her neck. “You can call it whatever you like as long as it means we get two whole days to ourselves.”
Turning to face me, she gifts me a wicked grin. “What exactly did you tell my brother you were planning to do here this weekend, Drew?”
I grimace and pull back to meet her eyes. “I may have said I needed to impress a hot chick I had my eye on.”
“A hot chick you wanted to bang?” she asks, quirking her lips and a brow in unison. I bite my lip and look at the minimal space between us, tightening my grip on her hips and pulling closer before meeting her gaze once more.
“Pretty much.” Her eyes widen before she drops her head onto my shoulder and erupts into a fit of giggles. When they subside into little snickers, she stands up straight again but doesn’t step back. Her eyes now full of mischief.
“So, two whole days…” She slides her hands over my shoulders, then runs her fingers through my hair. “Whatever will we do…?”
“We could swim…” I lean forward and run my nose along her jaw. I flatten my palm in the middle of her back with one hand and cup her ass with the other, pulling her hips hard against mine.
“We could read…” she adds, her voice low and soft, hitting me in all the right—very interested—places.
“There are the jet skis…” I drag my lips against her cheek to the upturned corner of her mouth.
“Go hiking…” She’s breathless now, her grip on my head tightening as one hand snakes between us.
“Study…” I nip her bottom lip, following the trail with my tongue.
“Anatomy…” Her smile widens when she rubs her fingers over my cock.
“Fucking perfect,” I mutter before kissing her, forgoing any further teasing for the both of us. Hooking both hands beneath her ass, I lift her at the same time as she jumps, wrapping her legs around my hips and holding my shoulders. We don’t break our kiss until I drop her onto the couch in the main room, lowering my body down to hers and setting out to take her mind off anything else but the two of us.
Sunday comes far too soon, and to say it’s been amazing is an understatement. We’ve been in our own little bubble of pseudo-bliss where we’ve both shut out the real world and just be.
It has always been good with Ash and has continued to get better the older—and maybe wiser—we get, but this time feels different. Is it that distance has made our hearts grow stronger? Is it my conscience forgetting that this is our little fantasy world where we can be together without worrying about who may find out or what that might mean for us if—or when—our secret does come out? Whatever it is, I don’t want it to end.
I hate that we live so far apart. I hate that there’s this giant, seemingly insurmountable roadblock between us
All I know is I’m not willing to lose her. And I’m not willing to lose the closest thing I’ve had to a brother—not counting my father’s sons.
We’re lying together on a daybed when the real world finally breaks through in the form of a text message. Untangling her legs from mine, she rolls onto her back to grab the offending device. When she reads her message, a small smile plays on her lips as she types out a reply.
Curious, I move her way and playfully reach for the phone, surprised when she tenses and quickly throws it back down.
“Ash?” I ask quietly, getting worried. “Is something wrong?”
When she turns back my way, there’s something off. I read it straight away, and alarm bells sound in my head. When she smiles back at me too big, too enthusiastically, I definitely know something’s up.
“Nothing. It’s just a friend from school.”
“So why the secrecy?” I try to keep my tone flat, carefree, and not at all suspicious. Something I apparently fail at.
She sits up and grabs her discarded tee from the back of the seat, her back ramrod straight. “It’s nothing, Drew. He’s just a friend.”
I see red… then green… and then stars when I stand up too fast, not giving two shits that I’m standing naked as the day I was born. “You’re messaging another guy while lying naked next to me?”
She turns toward me, looking up and biting her lip.
“Have a care, Ash,” I say, running my hand through my hair and shaking my head.
She blushes and averts her gaze, shifting her attention out to the lake. “It’s nothing,” she replies softly. “We’ve just been chatting. That’s all.”
“I don’t like to think about you with other guys.”
She jumps to her feet, her eyes flashing as they lock with mine. “And whose fault is that, Drew? You can’t expect me to sit back at home and do nothing but twiddle my thumbs knowing you’re doing God knows what with God knows who.”
“It’s not like that,” I retort, knowing she’s right but not being anywhere near ready to admit that.
“We know what this is. You know what this is. No commitments, no strings—”
“Of course there are fucking strings, Ash.” I rip my towel off the deck railing and wrap it around my waist. “You’re mine. You’ve always been mine. And I hate the thought of any other guy getting anywhere near you.”
She gasps, her face growing red, her eyes wide, and she swings her hands out. “And you don’t think I feel the same way? I know you’re not a monk, so I really don’t know why you think I should be.”
I open my mouth to say something I’ll undoubtedly regret, my brain running at a million miles an hour and definitely not thinking straight. Instead, I grit my teeth and turn toward the lake, leaning my elbows on the railing, and take a deep breath.
Uncom
fortable silence stretches between us, the only sound being the soft lapping of the water on the sand.
I flinch when her hand touches my back, but she doesn’t shy away, running her palm across my bare shoulders. “I’m sorry, okay?”
I swallow hard, willing myself to calm down. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” My tone doesn’t support the words out of my mouth. It’s not alright. Nothing about this is right.
She presses her chest to my back, her heart beating against my skin as we stand there for what seems like forever, neither of us saying a word because what can we say? I can’t tell her I don’t want her to see anyone else, and she’s never told me the same.
Her ringing phone breaks through the air. My body tenses of its own volition. My chest tightens when she moves away and walks over to pick it up.
“Hey… what? Slow down. What’s wrong?” She gasps, grabbing my attention. I turn around, freezing when I see her face pale, her eyes filling with tears as they meet mine. “Okay. We’ll be there as soon as we can…” I rush to her side, trying to pick up on whatever is being said. “I won’t drive. Drew will… Millen, I don’t have time to explain… No… no, don’t do that. Millen… Millen!”
She lowers her phone, her entire body rigid, tears falling down her stricken face.
I cup her cheeks and meet her eyes. “Ash, what’s wrong?”
My words spur her into action. She jerks away from me and moves quickly through the open doors leading into the house. I race after her as she runs up the stairs to the room where we’ve been sleeping. When I get there, she’s jerking her bag up onto the bed. She scrambles to grab clothes from the floor and shove them inside.
“Ash,” I say, my voice low and loud. She lifts her head, and the look she gives me is one I’ll remember forever. Shock and despair are written all over her face. “What did Millen say?”
“It’s Mom. She’s at the hospital, and it’s not good. She has been admitted onto the Oncology floor.”