by Kate Pearce
“But then I had to figure out where to put them, and I couldn’t go back to the house . . .”
“So you came here. That was a good decision.” He hesitated. “Jenna’s outside. Do you want her to take a look at these little guys while you and I talk? You know she’ll take good care of them.”
“Okay.”
He handed the basket of kittens over to Jenna and she disappeared out the door, leaving him and Maria in the peace and quiet of the night. Blue sat on the floor and patted his knee.
“You want to come and tell me what’s up? I promise I won’t be mad.”
She eyed him carefully and then with a sigh came to sit on his knee. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, you did scare us all half to death wandering off in the middle of the night like that.”
“I didn’t know what to do.”
“Because of that letter from your dad?”
She sat bolt upright on his knee, her knees together and her hands twisted in her lap. “You said you’d make sure I couldn’t see him again.”
“Yeah. I thought you didn’t want to see him.”
“So did I until I read the letter and he said sorry. Then I felt all confused. I thought maybe if I said I wanted to see him you’d get mad and kick me out, and then what if he didn’t really like me again or got drunk and I had no place to go?”
Blue took a long moment before he answered. “Number one, I’d never kick you out. I promised you’d always have a home here if you wanted it. And number two, next time you have a problem like this, please talk to me. I will always listen.”
“And you’ll let me see him?”
He kissed the top of her head, avoiding her direct gaze and the question. “We can talk about that tomorrow, okay? It’s late, we’re all tired, and I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep.”
“Okay.” She sagged against his chest. “I didn’t want to go. I thought my heart was going to break in two. I know my dad did some bad things, but I still love him.”
“Yeah. I totally get that. I felt the same way about Billy.” He stood up with her in his arms. “I’m going to put you in my truck and call Ruth to let her know you’re safe.”
He placed her on the backseat and covered her up with an old blanket. “Sit tight. I’ll go and check on the kittens and put Marigold to bed. Roy can bring her back in the morning.”
* * *
A couple of hours later, Jenna sat with Blue in the ranch house kitchen cradling a mug of hot chocolate as the old house settled around them. Blue looked exhausted, and no wonder. Reliving another unexpected disappearance at the ranch must have been traumatic.
“Will you come to bed with me?” He reached across the table to take her hand.
“Sure.” She smothered a yawn. “To sleep.”
“Don’t think I can manage much more than that,” he murmured as they walked up the stairs. “But I’ll keep you informed.”
In a relatively short space of time they were cuddled up together in his bed. He lay on his back and she curled against his side.
“That was one of the worst nights of my life.” Blue exhaled. “I thought being sent overseas was terrifying, but it’s nothing compared to this.”
“That’s because she’s family.”
He sighed against her hair. “What am I going to do, Jenna? She wants to see her father. She’s relying on me to sort that out for her, and all I want to do is tell that idiot never to come within a hundred miles of her. I know what it’s like to live with a drunk—to not know whether you’re going to have to deal with abuse, or maudlin tears, or them puking their guts up—it sucks.”
“But Billy managed to get it together.”
“Eventually.”
“Who says that Daniel won’t manage it either?” She spread her fingers over his chest. “Even my parents got their shit together eventually and remarried.”
“Yeah?” He paused. “I thought you said they didn’t want anything to do with you.”
“They didn’t.”
“Hang on.” His fingers stole into her hair and went still. “They got it together, and they still didn’t want you?”
Even though it was dark and she couldn’t see his face clearly, she still closed her eyes. “They had two more kids and were living in a respectable neighborhood and they just weren’t interested in having a constant reminder of their past.” She sighed. “I invested so much time and effort in finding them that I almost alienated my adopted family and then . . . my parents didn’t want me, Blue. They flat out didn’t want me.”
She buried her face against his chest, and his arms closed around her.
“It was the most humiliating experience of my life, you know? It’s almost okay when your birth parents reject you because they are still troubled individuals, but when your parents work things out and you become the embarrassment? That sucks.”
She let out her breath. “I’ve never told anyone about this before. Even my adoptive parents. I wanted to tell you because I know it’s going to be hard, but I really think you should let Daniel be a part of Maria’s life, warts and all.”
“But what if he wants to claim custody of her?”
“He’s in no fit state to look after her at the moment, any judge will see that, and you have rights as well and a stable home environment.”
“What if she wants to go back to him?”
The uncertainty and pain behind his question made her want to hold him tight and not let anything near him again. Her big bad Marine was hurting, and that was unacceptable.
“Then you think of what’s best for Maria, and work something out.”
“You’re right. I’ve still got to get my head around that.” He sighed. “I’ve got to put her first.”
Jenna swallowed hard, but the tears still came. “You will. You’re a good man.”
“Hey.” He suddenly rolled her onto her back and rose over her. “Don’t cry, honey.”
“I’m not.”
He kissed her slowly, taking each tear away, his gaze solemn.
“Thank you, Jenna.”
“For what?” She tried to smile. “For crying about myself when you’re the one with the problem? How selfish is that?”
“Don’t say that.” She blinked up at his suddenly ferocious expression. “Don’t you dare put yourself down. Your birth parents were assholes.” He kissed her hard. “I’m not going to be like them, I can promise you that.”
“Good.”
“And if you ever care to share their address, I’ll go and tell them to their faces that they are assholes.”
“Er. Thanks, but I think I’m over it.”
He drew her into his arms and they lay quietly together until exhaustion overcame her and she fell asleep.
* * *
Blue smoothed Jenna’s hair away from her face and contemplated her serene expression. How much had it cost her to share that parental rejection with him just to help him decide what to do about his own daughter? No wonder she didn’t trust anyone. No one had ever put her needs first. Unable to sleep, Blue pulled on his jeans and headed barefoot down to the kitchen.
He almost screeched when a figure appeared in the darkness.
“BB.”
“Dad?” He sat at the table opposite his father. “You okay?”
“I couldn’t sleep. All the worry about Maria brought everything back to me.”
“I know how you feel.”
“It was the worst night of my life.”
“Yeah.” Blue put his elbows on the table and held his head in his hands.
“The first of many.” Billy’s dry laugh held little humor in it. “After that I just lost the plot completely.”
“But you made it back here eventually.” Blue hesitated. “Daniel Lester’s a drunk.”
“Like your father. I guess that scares you, huh?”
“It scares me for Maria’s sake. I don’t want her to have to grow up like that. I want to keep her here with me where it’s safe, but what if she
hates me for that and goes looking for him? What if she finds him, and he treats her badly?”
“Chase has good lawyers, right?”
“The best.”
“They could probably keep Daniel away from Maria until she’s an adult.”
“Possibly.”
“But eventually, she’d still want to see him because she’s like you—a determined kid who never forgets anything. So how about you find a way to make this work? Let her see him, let her make her own judgment about who and what he means to her. Trust her.”
“It’s hard.”
“Because me and your mother broke that trust. I get it. I damn well caused it. But you’re gonna have to find a way to make Maria happy, and I know in my heart you’re going to do it. You’re a good man, BB, a fine man, and you did it all by yourself.” Blue reached out to find his father’s hand waiting for him. “Just keep on loving her, BB. In the long run that’s all that you can do.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Jenna consulted the list January had handed her. Pink and blue balloons dancing on strings in the breeze, check; ponies everywhere, both real and fake, check; a rainbow pony birthday cake and a huge banner wishing Maria a happy eleventh birthday, check. Jenna surveyed the party site and smiled despite her nervousness.
Maria was dancing around between Billy, Ruth, and Blue, hindering the preparations rather than helping, but no one minded. She had rainbow ribbons in her dark hair and a pony dress with net skirts and sparkles, which she had assured Jenna, who’d bought it for her, was the best thing ever. Maria seemed to accept her as Blue’s girlfriend and sometimes even asked her about stuff. When Jenna consulted with Blue about whether this was okay, he’d told her to be honest—that no one else could empathize quite so well with Maria and that he was grateful for everything she did.
Jenna smiled at the excited little girl. Whatever happened in the future, she would always make a point of being available. She hoped she’d be far more involved than that . . . The first guests were arriving, and Jenna sensed Ruth was about to call everyone to order.
As usual, most of the town had been invited because Ruth was determined that Maria would be accepted by the community the Morgan family hoped she would choose to belong to. Jenna had kept away from the ranch during the last week or so, aware that Blue needed time with his daughter and to sort out some legal issues with his lawyers. She hadn’t asked him what he’d decided to do, but she had faith he would make the right decisions.
She looked over at him and noticed his smile disappeared whenever Maria turned away from him. He looked stressed, which made her want to go over and hold him tight. Hopefully if things turned out how she’d planned, he’d never doubt her feelings for him ever again.
He caught her gaze and tipped his hat to her, but he didn’t come over. She was okay about that because she had a tendency to babble when she was trying to hide something, and he’d pick up on that way too quick. She smiled brightly back and busied herself sticking the paper tablecloth to the corner of the table.
There was a little stage at the front where the cake had been set out and a fancy table for Maria and some of the kids she’d been starting to get to know over the summer. If she stayed she’d be seeing more of them at the local middle school in Morgantown, which went up to eighth grade, giving her three more years before being bussed to high school.
If she stayed.
A flash of movement down in the parking lot had Jenna looking around as a procession of trucks parked. There was no sign of her parents yet. Her mom had texted to say they were on their way. Her parents would be easy to spot—the lone rental car amongst a sea of trucks and SUVs.
Soon Maria was standing with Ruth, Billy, and Blue and greeting guests and their families with her usual smile and enthusiasm. She’d certainly grown in confidence in the past few weeks. She reminded Jenna of herself at that age—cautiously coming to terms with her new family and starting to understand that they meant to let her stay forever.
A lone figure came up the path, and Jenna didn’t recognize him. She glanced across at Blue and saw him stiffen before he bent down to draw Maria’s attention to the approaching man.
“Daddy!” Maria shrieked and ran down the slope. She was caught in a fierce embrace and swung around. Jenna looked back at Blue and instinctively went over to him. By the time she got there, Maria had the man by the hand and was dragging him up to the reception committee at the top of the field.
“Welcome to Morgan Ranch, Daniel,” Blue said quietly and held out his hand. “I’m glad you could make it.”
Maria’s smile was blinding as she grabbed Blue’s hand as well.
“This is so cool! Now, Daddy, come and meet my grampa Billy, and this is Ruth and . . .”
Blue half turned away and Jenna stepped close to him.
“That was a really nice thing to do.”
He shrugged. “Possibly the most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life. But at least he’s on my land. If he starts getting antsy, I’ll drop him down one of the abandoned shafts at the silver mine.”
“Good thinking, Marine.” She went up on tiptoe and kissed him even as he grimaced. “It’s always best to be prepared. Did I tell you my parents were coming today?”
He held her gaze. “No, you didn’t mention it. Any particular reason?”
It was her turn to shrug. “My mom’s found me a new job in LA. She wants to talk to me about it.”
“Jenna . . .”
She pointed over his shoulder. “I think that’s them now. I’d better go and make sure they get settled down.”
* * *
Blue had never expected to be sitting on one side of an eleven-year-old girl eating birthday cake, which was so full of sugar his teeth hurt, while on the other side sat the man who had raised his daughter for ten years. Maria seemed to think it was the best idea in the world—in fact, she’d insisted, saying she wanted both her dads sitting with her. The fact that she’d acknowledged him as her father while Daniel was sitting right there had made Blue feel a lot better. Now all he had to worry about was what happened at the end of the evening.
Would Maria want to leave with Daniel? Would he let her go? In the few weeks he’d known her, she’d made a space for herself in his heart that would never disappear. Maybe that was what Billy had been talking about. If she went back to Daniel, he wouldn’t stop loving her, he’d just bide his time and hope that one day she’d want to have a relationship with him. Billy was proof that even the worst relationship could be mended if both parties were willing.
“Blue, have you got a minute?” Daniel leaned over behind Maria’s chair and spoke softly in Blue’s ear.
“Sure. Come over by the present table while they finish their cake and ice cream.”
He didn’t want to talk to Daniel, but he was pretending to be a civilized adult, and apparently in today’s complex modern families that was what you had to do.
“Thanks for inviting me,” Daniel said as he turned to survey the majesty of the Sierra Nevada range. “It’s beautiful out here. What an amazing place to grow up and what great history.”
Blue jammed one hand in his pocket and nodded.
“Maria seems to love it.”
“Yeah. She’s fit in really well.”
Daniel sighed. “She sure looks happier.”
Blue had nothing to say to that.
“I heard from your lawyers. I gather you’d like her to live here at the ranch full-time?” Daniel swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’m in a good place to have her at home right now. I . . . lost my job and I’m having to move into a smaller place and . . . I’m going into counseling to address my issues with alcohol and all the rest of it.”
Blue finally looked him in the eye. “That’s a lot of stuff to deal with at once, and it’s good of you to admit Maria needs a more stable home. I can give her that—if she wants it.”
“Yeah, and a ready-made family. That’s kind of awesome.” Daniel awkwardly rubbed the back of his nec
k. “When Angel told me about you . . . I just kind of lost it. I’d been told it was unlikely that I’d ever have kids because I had mumps when I was a teen. I never told Angel that. I kind of married her under false pretenses. She was getting desperate to have a baby and was threatening to leave me. When she came back from visiting her sister and then was suddenly pregnant, I was just so damned ecstatic that I convinced myself it was a miracle.”
His mouth twisted. “Stupid, eh? It wasn’t until she was being tested when she got sick that the subject somehow came up again, and eventually . . . just before she died she told me what she’d done. Of course I didn’t say anything to her—how could I? But I knew then that I’d been fooling myself and that you must be Maria’s father.”
Blue just nodded. What the hell could he say? He almost felt sorry for the guy.
“And then there was just me, Maria, and a bottle of vodka left in the house and I was just so angry and so furious at Angel for dying and leaving me and . . .” He groaned. “I lost it. I scared Maria, and at some point I realized that if I wasn’t careful I’d say or do something inexcusable, so putting her on the bus to you? That felt like the safest thing to do for her.”
Blue kicked a stone. He still wanted to punch the man, but he had to give him credit for trying to be honest. “My dad always says that grief does funny things to a person’s head, and he should know. It took him a lot longer to get help with his drinking than you.”
Daniel let out a long slow breath. “So, do you think I could still see her? Once I’ve gotten my shit sorted out, obviously.”
“It’s up to her, but from the expression on her face when she saw you, I’d say she’d be more than happy to see you again.”
“You think so? I feel like such a loser right now.”
Privately Blue agreed with that statement, but he wasn’t going to say anything. One thing he was learning was that those gray areas between the blacks and the whites sometimes made a whole lot of sense. He patted Daniel awkwardly on the back.
“Let’s sit down together with Maria and ask her what she wants, okay? You can stay the night. We can talk it through tomorrow.”