9
ROCKS, CHIPS AND STARS
The pubs were closing and Stacey’s legs were opening, as Felicity veered her way home. She was drunk. She had expected to be abandoned at some point during the night and so she had drunk as much as possible whilst she could. ‘The Red’ had got increasingly busier once the local football team had come flooding in after practice. By that time, Stacey had already given Chris a taster ‘suck ‘em and see’ down in the cellar, whilst Felicity thought she was in the loo. So Stacey felt the need to be faithful to Chris for the night, despite the temptation of a full team of totty. Reluctantly she had refrained from imagining her legs as goal posts and had instead waited patiently for Chris to finish his shift.
Stumbling her way around the corner, Felicity’s stomach felt like a washing machine drum sloshing a tsunami of whisky around and around. It groaned for sustenance. So she decided to make the slight detour to the taxi rank passed the chip shop.
There was no queue when Felicity entered through the glass door, accessorized with a wooden bead screen that crackled tackily when the door opened. An old man looked like he had fallen asleep, sitting in the corner, with an out of date TV magazine in his hand. The imposing woman behind the counter looked at Felicity vacantly.
Expecting her to say something, Felicity stood gawkily waiting. Nothing was said. But the woman’s vacant look turned into a frustrated one.
‘Fish supper, please,’ Felicity finally requested, sensing that if she didn’t order it soon then she might get cod slapped.
‘Three-pound-fifty,’ Donna managed to say, holding out her hand impatiently.
Skinny girls got the brunt of her annoyances at the best of times but tonight she had no energy to try and disguise her bitterness. She was tired. It was half an hour until closing and then she still had to clean and cash up without any help from Wesley. Apparently he had come down with a sick bug, but chances were that any sick had been induced by bongs, cider and the inability to wash his hands after a sit.
Felicity made her way to the seat by the window. As she passed the sleeping man, she misjudged where his feet were and flew into the wall in front of her.
‘Sorry,’ she muttered, feeling stupid and drunk.
Donna rolled her eyes and the woken man grunted with annoyance.
‘Salt, vinegar, sauce?’ Donna growled over the counter.
‘Uh, just salt,’ Felicity stammered, feeling like she was being intimidated by the police.
Just as she was getting up to go to the counter she was barked back down.
‘Wait your turn! Excuse me!’ the woman barked, turning her attention to the groggy man. ‘Salt, vinegar, sauce?’
‘Uh, yeah,’ the man grunted, chucking the magazine down as he shuffled up to the counter.
Donna couldn’t be bothered to ask whether that meant he wanted one or all of the condiments, so she doused his chips in vinegar and salt and covered it with red and brown sauce. She highly doubted he would stay awake long enough to eat it anyway.
The guy took it obliviously and continued in a trance like state out of the door.
‘D’you say salt?’ Donna asked, softening a bit.
She was tired and knew that she wasn’t being rational but she just didn’t have the will power or the energy to be nice.
‘Yeah, thanks,’ Felicity replied being careful not to set her off again.
Felicity stood at the counter, staring out into the cold night, only to see what looked like Derek doddering passed.
‘Thanks!’ she called, as she grabbed her supper and ran out into the street. ‘Derek!’ she called after him. ‘Oi, Derek, stop!’
Donna’s insides twinged as she watched the skinny redhead run after him. They couldn’t be, could they?
‘Derek!’
Derek stopped and turned.
‘Hey! What are you up too?’ Felicity attempted, trying to break the ice.
‘Walk,’ Derek excreted weakly.
He was actually off out to buy some more porn because he had used his most recent magazines to mop up his sick. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell her that. He had embarrassed himself quite enough already.
‘Can I come?’ Felicity asked tentatively.
Derek pondered his options. He could either politely refuse, get his porn and have a stress relieving night, or he could bite the bullet and take the proposed late night stroll with the risk of getting humiliated yet again.
‘Okay,’ he said, with all the balls that he could muster.
As Felicity linked her arm through Derek’s and they began the walk to the waterfront, Derek turned back towards the chip shop. The light was still on, Donna was still there.
‘You alright?’ Felicity asked.
‘Beach?’ he responded, quickly changing the subject.
‘Ooh, Derek, you wild one!’ Felicity giggled, clutching hold of him to support herself.
To call it a beach was a lie. The town was filled with little brown road signs pointing visitors in the direction of the beach, conjuring up images of soft sand sweeping along the coast, people swimming, ice cream being sold by the bucket load and gentle waves lapping on the shore. The beach was, in fact, no bigger than the average mid-terraced bathroom. The soft sand consisted of giant man made pebbles and the water sat still and stagnant, with cans and crisp packets decorating the surface.
Any fish, dead or otherwise, could hear Miss Drunk and Mr Dim coming a mile off.
‘It’s over here, Derek!’
‘Are you sure?
‘Yeah, yeah, look! You see that lamp post, it’s just along there, by the lamp post, you see that big thing that looks like the sun,’ Felicity encouraged.
Clambering over the rough terrain, following the golden glow of the street lamp, Felicity clung to Derek like a toddler on the tube for the first time. Derek wasn’t complaining. Her baby bottom soft hand grasped gently around his bicep, making it bulge with more prowess than usual.
‘Oh I do like to be by beside the sea side…Ohhhhhhhhhhh… I do like to be beside the sea... Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I do like to beside the…’
As Felicity continued her merry drunken jaunt, hopping along next to Derek, Derek smiled with all his teeth. He was tempted to join in but in the end he left the entertaining to Felicity. Her blue eyes glowed in the combination of street and moon light and ginger nut strands of hair had begun to fall from her neatly tied bun.
‘And we’re here,’ Derek announced proudly, as if he had just discovered America.
‘Ahhh, its beautiful,’ Felicity gasped, plonking herself down hard on the portly pebbles and immediately wolfing down her supper.
‘Well it could have been,’ Derek started seriously, still standing up, ‘had the council not pulled out. And do you know what really winds me up about the whole situation?’
‘Derek,’ Felicity interrupted.
‘Yes,’ Derek quickly replied, still riled up from his rant.
Felicity smiled broadly, her lips stretching arousingly, ‘I meant the stars.’
Derek followed Felicity’s eye line and came face to face with a clear, soft, velvet sky with a plethora of sparkling stars. As his arms dangled awkwardly by his side, Felicity caught hold of his right hand and guided him to the ground. Derek squirmed with unease at the pebble protrusion but soon found himself lying next to her, looking up at the sky. If it hadn’t have been for the stars coming out that night, Derek might have been tempted to try and kiss her again. But looking up at the vast sky, with her next to him, he had everything he could want from a night.
‘Have you ever been abroad, Derek?’ Felicity asked wistfully.
Following the rhythm of the breeze Derek paused before answering, ‘No.’
‘Me neither,’ Felicity returned, before falling back into deep contemplation.
Derek’s grandmother had never allowed Derek to take part in any of the school trips, abroad or otherwise. She had seen them as a hindrance to his education and as an invitation for promi
scuity and foolery. In fact, she had heard at the church that Janet Telford’s daughter had lost her virginity with a, ‘Slimy frog!’ when on a French exchange. Of course Janet had blamed the French boy, whilst Derek’s grandmother had blamed Janet for letting her go in the first place. Especially when her daughter had turned up at church, a week after her supposed escapades, with a skirt on that looked as though it was sized for a newborn.
‘It’s sad,’ Felicity started again, still mesmerized. ‘There’s so much out there and we’re just stuck here in Crackerley, just doing the same old shit, day in, day out.’
Derek had never thought about it before but looking up into oblivion he began to feel even smaller than he had before.
‘I had a ticket booked for Australia, you know. I bought a proper backpack and everything. It had a mini backpack that you could attach with a cute pink rim, it was so cool. I’d saved up for months, ate bread and macaroni cheese all the time just to save money.’
‘Why didn’t you? Go…I mean,’ Derek stumbled.
Felicity paused wondering whether she should tell him or not.
‘A week before I left my mum went into hospital.’
‘Oh, Felicity, I am sorry,’ Derek sympathized, thinking back to his own mum. ‘Is she, uh…is she alright?’ he continued, sitting up in support.
‘Yeah, she’s fine,’ Felicity replied bitterly.
‘Oh! Good,’ he said, shocked by her abruptness.
Felicity noticed and sat up to join him.
‘She’s an alcoholic, Derek,’ she blurted, now stripped raw of emotions. ‘She deserves everything she gets.’
Derek knew that she really couldn’t mean that but he had no idea what to say in response. Instead he reached out and took her hand again, holding it tighter than he had ever held anything before. Felicity rested her head on Derek’s shoulder and a lone tear fell onto his lap. At first Derek thought that it was rain. But it wasn’t, it was Felicity.
The pair sat gazing out to the septic sea for what seemed like hours, but was actually ten minutes, before Derek started to need the loo. He jumped to his feet suddenly, pulling Felicity’s arm and shoulder socket with him.
‘Best be heading home,’ he announced, dropping Felicity’s hand and growing uncomfortable again.
‘Right, yeah,’ Felicity stammered, struggling to get up.
She didn’t want to go. But she reluctantly wobbled over the rocks to catch up with Derek, who was already halfway home. As she got back into the harsh elements of a Crackerley late summer, her bottom lip began to shake and her teeth began to chatter.
‘Are you cold?’ Derek asked.
‘A little,’ she laughed through the percussion.
She was only wearing a light cardigan over a flimsy t-shirt.
‘Do you not have a coat?’ Derek quizzed, highly concerned for her well being.
‘It’s at home,’ she replied, bemused as to why he wasn’t offering her his.
Admittedly his jacket would not normally be to her taste but she was freezing what little tits she had off.
They walked on a little further, full drums still going, before it finally dawned on Derek.
‘Would you like my coat?’
Felicity nodded desperately, now unable to speak between the banging of her teeth.
As Derek took off his jacket and felt the crisp chill in the air, he began to regret his decision. But as soon as he saw Felicity wrapped up like a sausage roll he didn’t mind any more.
‘Thanks,’ Felicity accepted gratefully.
Derek nodded, hoping that the armpits didn’t smell too much of BO.
He smiled as he looked into her pained eyes.
‘You’ll get there, you know,’ he said reassuringly. ‘To Australia, I mean.’
‘Yeah, right,’ was Felicity’s pessimistic reply.
‘You will,’ Derek strongly assured.
‘Do you really think so, Derek?’ Felicity asked, beginning to imagine again.
‘I know you will’
‘With my little pink rucksack?’
‘Yes,’ he answered earnestly,’ it would be a real shame to buy a new one, when you have a perfectly good one already.’
Felicity laughed. Derek never seemed to grasp when she was joking.
‘Where do you live? Where are you heading?’ Felicity asked, as they grew closer to the main street.
‘Above ‘Batter my Fish’,’ was the reply, although Derek’s brain was now concentrating entirely on his bladder.
‘Ahh!’ Felicity burst. ‘You poor thing, that woman in there is such a bitch.’
‘Donna?’ Derek replied in disbelief.
‘I don’t know what she’s called, got massive boobs though, do you know her?’ Felicity responded all on one breath.
‘A little bit,’ Derek backed out, before deciding to stick up for Donna. ‘She’s actually a very nice lady’.
Felicity laughed through her lips, sounding like a revving engine.
‘I think she’s just having a bad week,’ Derek justified.
It was the truth. She had had an awful birthday and had been thrown up on, which in anybody’s book would be a bad week.
Felicity looked at him. He was such a genuine guy with a heart of gold. So she grabbed him by the arm for warmth and concluded, ‘If you like her, I like her.’
‘Yes, I do,’ Derek confirmed, sticking his lips out with assurance.
As they finally approached the chip shop, Derek stopped before realizing that the gentlemanly thing to do would be to walk her home. But he didn’t quite know how to ask without her thinking that he would want to rape her. He had heard so many awful stories about girls being attacked by men and he would hate for Felicity to think that he was one of them. So he said nothing.
‘Right, Derek, thanks for the walk,’ Felicity said somewhat awkwardly, before realizing that she was still wearing his coat.
Derek stood gangly as she took it off, trying to pluck up the courage to ask to see her again.
‘I’ll see you at the library, yeah? You’ll talk to me this time?’
Derek laughed unconvincingly, although he had got the sarcasm this time. Just as he did, Felicity handed him his coat and then out of nowhere planted a perfect peck on his dry lips.
‘Thanks for everything,’ she said, before she bobbed off into the night.
Derek stood dumbfounded for at least half a minute before shakily opening the door to his flat and bounding up the stairs before he wet himself.
As he shut the door behind him, Donna stopped holding her breath and deeply exhaled. She had seen everything through the window. She felt like a stupid idiot. Of course he wasn’t interested in her, he had a girlfriend half her age and the size of her thigh.
‘Fuck him!’ she cursed as her hand delved into a cold pile of chips.
10
DREAM DATE
Derek was a stud. There could be no doubt about that. All these years, he had been living under the pretense that he was a stupid geek of a man, when all of the time he had been a hunk. In the space of just a few days he had been ferociously sought after by two devilishly attractive women. Derek felt exhilarated at the very thought of it. Contradicting this, was the grim reality that Felicity had rejected him at first and that he had accidentally rebuffed Donna by vomiting all over her sumptuous bosom. Whilst standing in his kitchen, eating a bowl of cornflakes from the worktop, Derek was able to overcome these negative experiences and concentrate entirely on the surprise surfacing of his magnetic charms
It was Saturday and Derek had a busy morning planned. First he intended to go to the newsagents to buy himself a milkshake and a lottery ticket. He saw playing the lottery today as an investment. He had often been told that things came in threes, and a threesome of two women and a few million pounds would suit him quite nicely. Then he had to go shopping for some new underwear and finally he had to go to the library. Usually this would be the first thing on his list, but today he wanted to save the best until last. He was desp
erately hoping that Felicity would want to do something once she had finished her shift. He had no intention of asking her out, of course, but that wasn’t really important with Felicity. If she wanted something, she would get it. That was one of the things that he liked about her. Derek just prayed to god that she wanted him.
Shuffling out of the door and down the stairs, Derek felt like he was two inches taller, four inches skinnier and twenty inches better endowed. Walking passed ‘Batter My Fish’ he realized that he could well have been thinner due to the fact that he hadn’t been down to the chip shop in days. He felt an enormous amount of shame as he looked in through the glass, hoping that she would be there. But she wasn’t. He had ruined his chances and he knew it. Suddenly he didn’t feel quite so lucky anymore.
Usually on a Saturday Felicity would beg to stay on the desk with ambitions of Sean declaring his undying love for her and ravishing her up against the bookcases. She visualized erotic novels plunging off the shelves, falling on and around them in an earthquake of passion. Today, however, she had hidden herself in the science section. Sean would never find her there.
Jessica was at the desk. She was one of those gag-worthy geniuses. Having studied English at University she was now back in Crackerley, staying with her parents, whilst she looked for a job in journalism. She wasn’t a complete minger but when it rained people would try and shelter under her nose and her hair frizzed so fuzzily that she looked as though she lived in a toaster. Felicity knew that she was a nice girl and she would definitely rather work with Jessica than Phil. But there was no substance to her, or none that Felicity had found anyway. Conversations were polite and the manner was friendly. You could tell that she had a heart of gold but the truth of the matter was that she was boring as fuck. The most exciting thing about Jessica was the fact that she had managed to bag a bloke. Although, Felicity had not met him and it was easy to imagine him as a squirrel-like little man and their sex life to be like a ready painted wall.
The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy) Page 5