Once the girl had emerged from the toilet, she began washing her hands and putting on her revoltingly pink lip gloss, making Felicity feel hugely uncomfortable. There she was, clearly about to get down and dirty, whilst chubby, sticky lips looked on.
‘Let’s go,’ Felicity announced, jumping of the sink, landing millimetres from Sean’s feet.
Sean did not seem so keen. He would miss the voyeuristic element, as well as all the mirrors.
‘Yours or mine?’ Felicity asserted, not backing down, but hoping that he would say that they could go to his, to avoid her mother.
‘Come on then, let’s go to mine,’ Sean hurried, pulling Felicity’s arm out of its socket and holding her handbag over his mighty manhood.
And then they ran, hands a twitching and privates a pulsing, out of the door.
A short taxi ride later and Sean’s hands had already run a marathon over Felicity fragile frame. All advances to the northern counties had been rebuffed cunningly, by diverting them more towards London and its surrounding areas.
‘Six-fifty, ta,’ the taxi man demanded, clearly not amused by the live show in the back.
Felicity managed to tear herself away from her silky smooth man, to give him the time and room to find some money.
‘You got any?’ Sean asked.
Felicity laughed, thinking that he was making a joke.
Sean paused, looking at Felicity like she was stupid, ‘You got any?’
‘Uh, yeah, sure,’ she stammered, clearly romanced. ‘Here’ she said, chucking the money at the driver and hurrying out the cab.
She wondered whether she was just old fashioned believing that guys who were trying to pull you were supposed to pay. But it didn’t matter as Sean began kissing her neck from behind.
‘Let’s go upstairs,’ he whispered. ‘I can’t wait to get you naked.’
Despite the fact that Felicity had fantasized about getting naked with Sean for a very long time, the nerves were finally catching up with her and all she could think about was how awful she would look naked next to him, all pale, scrawny and as flat chested as a ten year old boy. Sean’s pecks were twice the size of her shitty little tits and that worried Felicity enormously.
The journey up the stairs was fumbled, as the pair kissed and caressed each other to Sean’s second floor flat.
‘This is.....it,’ Sean breathed, somewhere between kisses.
The next five minutes were occupied by Sean trying to get in with one hand and undo Felicity’s bra with the other, all with his back to the door. Felicity, of course, wasn’t making life easy and was determined that despite Sean’s desperate treasure hunt, she had two miniature golden goblets that would not be found.
Once the door finally swung open, Felicity’s nostrils inhaled chicken. Unable to look around, due to the hot man slurping on her face, she was left to imagine how a flat could smell so strongly of poultry.
‘Drink?’ Sean asked, not really asking.
‘No,’ Felicity replied, secretly thirsty, but worried that he would serve her chicken juice.
‘Good,’ he said, pushing her forcefully into his bedroom.
‘Get out!’ he shouted, opening the door
‘What?’ Felicity replied gob smacked.
‘Oi! Get out!’
Just as Felicity was about to kick him in his potentially gigantic burgers, she heard a croaky voice.
‘Go away, let me sleep.’
‘Rod, get up! I’m telling ya!’
Rod just grunted and turned over. So Sean turned on the light, producing a harsh wail from Rod, who was trying to sleep in one of two single beds. Sean stormed over to Rod, his seventeen year old brother and proceeded to pick him up by the scruff of his neck and march him out of the door, much to the delight of Felicity who was confronted with her first uncommonly large penis of the night.
As Rod caught sight of a thoroughly excited Felicity, he gave her a toothy white grin and added, ‘If you fancy desert, love, I’ll be on the couch’.
Worryingly enough, Felicity wouldn’t have minded a slice of that pudding. But Sean slammed the door on his brother and they began on the great clothes descent.
16
SHATTERED GLASS
It was late. The kids were in bed, the drunks had collapsed and Felicity felt as though a rolling pin had been shoved unsympathetically up her lady cave.
The sky was cloaked in thick grey clouds making the dark night feel foreboding and tight. The only lights that were visible were those from the tower block across the car-park and even then they were so insignificant that they looked like tiny pin pricks in the cloud blanketed sky. There was a claustrophobic eeriness that night and it agitated Wesley. As he turned the bolt on the shop door, he scanned the empty street outside, before groaning at the thought of cleaning up grease and batter for the next half an hour. Heading towards the counter, his mind wandered to the half smoked joint that was awaiting him at home. He could taste the dull numbing of the herb gliding down passed his Adam’s apple and repressing his angst and hatred of life. He was deep in his own thoughts when he started to reluctantly clean.
Just as he did, an ear blasting smash bounded through the room and a whoosh of autumn air exploded into the shop. Wesley turned to see that the glass shop front had been shattered and that the threatening night had invaded. Before the fear was given a chance to consume him, yet another concrete caked brick flew maliciously towards him.
‘Fuck!’ he exhaled, dashing behind the counter, dropping to the ground and clutching his knees in fear.
Hidden in his trench, he heard at least four more bricks hurling through the gaping hole. And then there was silence. Wesley waited, a single tear cascading down his mountainous cheek and his bottom lip quivering as the seconds ticked on. He waited. The silence dominated the air. There was nothing. So Wesley began to gradually get up, before slamming down to the floor again as a violent voice shouted ‘Oi!’
Wesley could hear the sound of feet scuffing through the glass towards him, like bones being crushed under foot.
‘Oi! You! Get up! Get up!’
Reluctantly, Wesley began unraveling his squat and came up to standing. He found himself face to face with three brutish looking boys. They were young but the menace in their eyes was terrifying.
‘Give us the cash!’ the dominant one demanded.
He was on something. He had to be. His eyes couldn’t focus and he appeared possessed. Wesley pondered his limited options for a while before gouging out his guts and stating, ‘No.’
The attacker looked surprised and began to shift from foot to foot, as if trying to create even drippage as he shat himself. Seeing these nerves relieved Wesley and his safety didn’t feel quite so at risk anymore.
But then suddenly, one of them pulled out a knife. And Wesley gulped as his short, pathetic life flashed before his eyes.
‘Money, now!’ roared the front man, becoming increasingly threatening.
The artificial light bounded off the glass shards and onto the weapon’s blade, that stood inches from Wesley’s neck. Tears started to flow freely down his face as he stood terrified.
Derek was just returning from his drink with Dick Doors. Turning the corner, he was confronted by pieces of glass littering the road. Seeing the gaping hole at the front of ‘Batter my Fish’ his first thoughts were of Donna.
‘Please don’t have gone into work,’ he thought.
Unconsciously he strode over to the wreckage. Three young boys, who looked like they could do with a good scrub down, stood amongst the sharp rubble. They didn’t look right, something was wrong with them and even an innocent like Derek could tell that they were on something. The glass fragments shimmered like diamonds under the artificial lights as Derek approached.
‘What do you think you are doing?’ he demanded, treating the boys like toddlers, completely oblivious to the knife that was being brandished.
Luckily for Derek, just as the youths turned to see who was confronting them, the soun
d of sirens could be heard in the distance
Derek thought fast, ‘Gosh they responded quickly,’ he panted.
At this, youths two and three ran from the crime scene so that only the ring leader remained, his pupils bulging from his head. But as the sirens began to get alarmingly close, he finally lost his nerve and dashed dramatically through the hole in the front, taking the claustrophobic night with him.
On his departure, Wesley dropped to his knees and began sobbing like a stood up woman, whilst Derek hiccupped in relief. But when he heard the sound of strangled dolphins coming from behind the counter, he became concerned that the incident had not been diverted and that the youth that Donna employed had actually been injured. He bounded to the counter, leaning himself over to inspect the damage. So high in the air was Derek’s bottom that had someone thrown a dart at that very moment then his marmite virginity would have been lost forever.
‘Are you hurt?’ he asked, concerned but confident of his first aid appointed person qualification.
Wesley made no reply and continued weeping as though he had just found his favorite dog gutted.
‘Have you been hurt at all?’ Derek tried again, desperately scanning for a glimpse of blood or a bulge of broken bones.
Wesley’s cry began to dull down to a whimper and his bottom lip was shaking vigorously. The lack of response was worrying Derek enormously. He knew that he had to call the police but he had no idea whether or not to call an ambulance.
‘I’m coming around, is that okay?’
Wesley nodded, beginning to calm.
Derek bustled under the counter and knelt down next to him, placing a guiding hand on his leg and looking directly into his salt soaked eyes. In a deeply concerned and bordering on patronizing voice he tried again.
‘What’s your name? Can you tell me your name?’
‘Wes,’ Wesley replied between whimpers.
‘Okay, Wes, is that right? Is it Wes or Weg?’
‘Wes, short for Wesley,’ was the sobbing response.
‘Right, yes of course. Well, Wes, I need you to tell me if you’ve been hurt. Have you been hurt?
‘I don’t think so,’ Wesley replied, feeling embarrassed about all the fuss that he had made.
Derek was shocked, he was sure that Wesley must have been seriously injured because of all the bawling that he had been doing. But he said nothing of it.
‘Can you get up for me, just to make sure?’
Wesley made his weakest looking face before gradually rising to his feet.
‘Okay?’ Derek asked sympathetically.
‘Mmm hmm,’ Wesley guiltily responded, before opening the catch on the counter flap to let both him and Derek through, making Derek feel a little silly.
Derek guided him over to a spare seat by the window and then, clearing any shards from around him, he lowered Wesley down.
‘Okay, Wes, I think you’re in shock. I need you to sit here and calm down whilst I call the police, is that okay?’
‘But the police…the police…you said… you said the police were coming,’ Wesley finally got out, still shaking from the shock.
‘That was a trick,’ Derek proudly announced, before dialing 999.
Wesley smiled at him, amazed at his bravery and cunning. Derek was clearly not as wimpishly thick as he had initially thought.
‘Hello…yes, police…there has been an attempted armed robbery. We're at ‘Batter my Fish’, North Street, Crackerley. Just opposite the car park. One victim, doesn’t seem to be hurt. I think he’s in shock. Yes, shock.’
Hanging up, Derek diverted his attention to Wesley, who had his head in his hands over by the window.
‘How are you feeling? Pretty scary for you.’
‘Not for you,’ Wesley retorted bitterly.
‘I wasn’t the one with the knife in my face, was I? Now can you point me in the direction of Donna’s number? I think I ought to call her and let her know what’s happened.’
Wesley thrust his mobile at him and a bemused Derek began trying to find Donna’s number but he came awry when the only number under D was Dope.
‘Uh, sorry, Wesley, I’m probably being stupid, but I can’t seem to find it.
‘Under W, for work.’
‘Ah, here we are,’ Derek announced, desperately trying to memorize the number for future use.
As the phone started to ring, his stomach began to turn.
‘Wesley, what do you want?’ was the groggy response.
‘Ah, Donna, it’s Derek.’
‘Derek. Hi. What are you doing on Wesley’s phone?’
‘There’s been a break in at your shop. I think you should come up.’
‘A break in?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh my God, is Wesley okay? Are you okay?’
‘Yes, yes I’m fine. Wesley is a bit shaken, but the police are on their way. I thought I should let you know, that’s all.’
‘Did they take anything?’
‘Uh, no, between us we managed to scare them off,’ Derek smiled, winking at Wesley as he did.
‘Thank you, Derek. Thank you. I’ll come up straight away. Can you stay until I get there?’
‘Of course, I’ll stay as long as you need me to.’
And with that Donna hung up and Derek returned to Wesley’s side.
‘Little fuckers!’ he burst.
Using the ‘F’ word was a rarity for Derek but he found it impossible to believe that anyone was capable of putting another person’s life at risk, all for the sake of a little bit of cash. He was also worried for Donna. Although he knew that he had stuffed things up with her, she meant the world to him. She was such a lovely lady and she didn’t deserve this. As he looked through the gaping hole, he wondered at the enormous cost of repairing it. The insurance company would cover it of course, although how long that money would take to come through was anybody’s guess.
‘Thanks,’ Wesley suddenly said, looking at Derek intensely.
‘Don’t mention it,’ Derek responded
‘No seriously, I don’t know what would of fucking happened to me if you hadn’t been there.’
And with that he began to cry again.
Derek wasn’t a great one for physical contact, but he cushioned Wesley’s head into his shoulder and let him hang there sobbing. He could feel the moisture from the snot and tears soaking through his striped jumper.
‘It’s okay, you’re okay,’ he hushed. ‘You were really brave.’
‘No I wasn’t. I should’ve just given him the money, shouldn’t I? If I’d just given him the money then he would never have got the knife out. I should have just given it to him. Why did I not just give it to him?’
‘You were being a good friend to Donna. That’s why. It was a really brave thing to do. She’ll appreciate it, I know she will.’
‘You like her, don’t you?’
Derek shuffled awkwardly.
Wesley let out a faint crying laugh as he looked at Derek’s mortified face.
‘She’s a lovely lady, yes,’ he responded timidly, not wanting to admit to himself, let alone anyone else, how he felt.
‘She deserves a guy like you,’ Wesley smiled, causing Derek to twitch with hope.
The sound of a police car pulling up to the shop broke the boys’ intimate embrace. Derek stood bolt upright and headed across the shards to meet them.
There were two officers, one tall, dark and ruggedly handsome except for the long, curly nostril hairs protruding from his nose. The other was a shorter Pakistani man, with a fine, thick beard perfect for nesting.
‘They’ve made a fine job of your window,’ the taller officer said, looking at Derek as if he were the owner.
Just at that moment, Donna flew in through the hole. Her face was shocked and concerned, but her hair hung down in seamless waves and touches of blonde made her eyes look a captivating blue.
‘What happened?’ she gushed, before noticing the police officers. ‘Hi,’ she said, putting her hand ou
t. ‘I’m Donna, this is my shop.’
An hour had gone by. The officers had left, the window had been boarded up and both Donna and Wesley were to attend the police station the next morning. Wesley’s mum had just arrived to collect him. She was not at all like Derek had expected. Until tonight he had presumed that Wesley was a chav of the highest degree. He fitted the bill of a terrorizing youth perfectly. Tonight, however, Derek had realized that he was just a frightened, confused young teen. He had presumed his mum to be a sad blob of a woman, scrounging of benefits and charging her young boy rent. She was, in fact, a tall, slender blonde lady with oodles of class. As she walked into the shop, Wesley jumped from his seat and into her arms, where she stroked his hair and held him tight.
‘Oh gosh, Donna. What a mess!’ she said in a well spoken accent. ‘Are you okay?’ she mouthed at her over Wesley’s greasy head.
Donna nodded, grateful for the support.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ Wesley’s mum said, as she hurried him out to the car.
‘And then there were two,’ Derek commented, unsure as to what to do next.
Donna didn’t say anything in response, she just stood looking around at her broken shop. She still couldn’t believe what had happened.
The silence made Derek feel uncomfortable and it was making him squirm.
‘Would you like to come up for a hot drink?’ he asked, no longer thinking of his loins and entirely focused on giving Donna the support that she needed.
‘That would be lovely. I can’t look at all this right now. I can’t think about it. So yes, yes please, thanks, Derek,’ she replied appreciatively, giving him a half smile as he guided her out through the door.
The glass hole had been boarded up by now, but she still felt silly locking the door behind her. She felt as though someone had just stamped on her life. ‘Batter My Fish’ was her baby and now it looked like a car crash.
Seeing Donna’s hurt, Derek caught hold of her hand and squeezed it.
‘We’ll get it sorted,’ he said.
The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy) Page 8