AWKWARD PASSING
Monday mornings can be like periods, you know they’re coming but you can never be entirely prepared. That Monday morning, Donna couldn’t have felt less prepared if she had tried. She had managed to get hold of a glazier company the day before and they were due to arrive first thing. But Donna didn’t know how she was going to pay them because her insurance company had been closed all weekend. On top of this, she had been blessed with the crimson flow and her hormones felt like they were going to thrust from her body in the shape of fists and punch anyone who dared come near her. In short, she felt like shit. Every inch of her body ached and she felt a numb stabbing pain every time she was reminded of the other night. Visiting Derek had been a constant thought in her mind, but her bloated belly and puffy eyes had now laid any fears of surrendering to his charms to rest.
Approaching the road, she looked up regretfully at Derek’s window. The lights were on. Then, as she got nearer, the door to his flat suddenly opened and the skinny redhead from a couple of weeks ago strutted happily through it. Donna felt like her insides were being ripped out. But it was too late to hide, the girl had seen her.
‘Hi,’ Felicity faked, as she continued walking.
‘Hi,’ Donna mumbled back, before listing every reason why no man would want her in her head.
It was the second time that she had seen that skinny bint with Derek. One time, you could justify, but two times, you couldn’t. Derek was clearly putting his insufficient Muppet to work wherever he could and Donna was not about to get involved with that.
That was it, it was now cemented in her mind; rather than take this defeat on the chin and backing down to a life of spinsterhood and feline friends, she would join the ruthless world of online dating, with the hope that maybe, just maybe she would get her first big ‘o’ of the twenty-first century. She couldn’t give a shit about the dating, the relationship or the future. Her misjudging Derek had put a stop to that.
Derek had seemed like one in a million, with his kind nature and awkward innocence. But in the end he had turned out to be just like all of the rest of them, a wanker, a downright dirty wanker.
Donna was now finally ready to give up her ‘still waiting for true love,’ medal and settle for a ‘give me what you’ve got,’ sort of life.
Just as she realized this, two rather dashing, perfectly hairy glaziers arrived and Donna’s chest breathed out and raised itself closer to the barely there sun. She pulled in her stomach and greeted the lucky boys with a fluttering of the eyelashes.
19
CHERRY PLUCKING
A month had gone by and it was now feeling like winter, despite the insistence from the old couple out with their Labrador that it was still Autumn. The trees were now well and truly naked, with little more than the odd slug or robin to keep their modesty. The air bit hard and man flu was rife. Beechams had reported their best sales figures yet and the number of people out of work in the town had risen. Donna had successfully joined a free dating website and had been out on a total of three dates.
The first had not actually been a date, as he had never turned up. Well, in fact, he had but having seen Donna sat at the bar, tarted up to the night, he had left immediately, making sure to break the connection on the website as soon as he had arrived home.
The second date had been slightly more successful and had resulted in a kiss. The kiss itself had been one of the most revolting experiences of Donna’s life. His lips had been cracked and pale and he had thrust them upon her from a great distance, before lavishing his tongue deep down her throat. His breath had tasted like a year’s unchanged rabbit hutch, complete with droppings. Luckily, to Donna’s relief, this had made her gag and she had managed to feign a coughing fit and excuse herself. He had contacted her again to arrange another date. Donna had politely ignored him.
She had gone on the most recent date last week, with a Scotsman who lived locally. He was fantastically tall at six-four, which made Donna feel like an angel and gave her a rare excuse for heels. He had plenty of muscle for protection and a good amount of fat for comfort. His head was entirely bald but his features were chiselled and attractively wrinkled, giving him a rugged charm. Donna had not been able to believe her luck when she had finally met him in the flesh. They had ended the night with a short sweet peck and he had immediately contacted her to ask for another date. She had happily accepted and it was tonight.
Felicity’s boob job was now imminent and in a few weeks she would be sporting two perfectly perched pouches, as opposed to the empty socks that she was currently modelling. Her relationship with Sean had been eventful but short lived. They had dated for a few weeks, but as much as Felicity had tried to convince herself that he was the perfect man for her, he wasn’t.
They had met once at a nice bar. They had ordered their cocktails and Felicity had been chatting along merrily about her day when Sean had interrupted.
‘Why do men have penises?’ he had sniggered.
Felicity had said nothing, only looking to him expectantly.
‘To shut women up!’ he had eventually guffawed, clutching his belly in the hilarity of it all.
Felicity hadn’t found it very funny. She was well aware that if any part of his reptile were to enter anyone’s mouth it would shut them up for a very long time. Felicity had needed to develop the art of licking instead of sucking and with a steady hand movement this worked fine. Sean had been incapable of considering any of her needs, however, and had thrust his freakishly large baton upon her any which way he could.
The final straw for Felicity had come when she had found Sean mounting a girl around the back of a club. Sean had her leant over a nearby bin whilst he pounded her from behind. When Felicity had ran up and whacked him, the girl being ridden had turned around and looked at her. Felicity recognised the pain in her eyes. It was the pain of having the most agonizing sex ever, with the biggest knob in the world and still getting none of your needs satisfied.
After that, Sean was history. He didn’t seem to mind, as he never called her again and was seen getting jiggy with it at numerous pubs and clubs over the next few weeks. Felicity’s friend, Stacey, had been tempted herself, after Felicity had given her his vital statistics. But she had so far managed to restrain herself.
As for Felicity and Derek, their relationship had blossomed. Felicity now spent a good percentage of her weekends around at his. The two had very little in common but Felicity brought out the wild side in Derek and Derek gave her the little bit of comfort and stability that she subconsciously craved. She often recovered from the traumas of having an alcoholic mother by heading over to his with a bottle of something and a packet of biscuits. She didn’t need anything more from Derek. She just liked knowing that he was there.
Derek was looking pretty good. He was washing more often and in the past month he had bought his first pair of jeans, a new jumper and some leather trainers. But he was still not Felicity’s type. That was until he told Felicity about his failed night with Donna and it was then that everything changed.
Felicity had long previously cemented it in her mind that Derek was still a virgin. She had seen Sean with a leggy blonde outside McDonalds earlier that day and was bitter with the world. Derek had seen Donna holding hands with a bald man and felt like someone was drilling a hole in his sternum. When Felicity had arrived to moan to Derek about life and men, she had found him in a much worse state. It was as though a small amount of chilli had been rubbed onto his man mushroom and he had recently broken the seal. He was furious. Every ounce of unjust from his life came sweeping to the surface and manifested itself in him flicking through the local paper demonstratively. Felicity was glad that she had purchased the vodka and orange on her way over and whipped it out immediately.
‘What’s up?’ she asked tentatively.
‘It’s...well...this is shit. Why is it always shit?’
‘Whoa, easy!’ Felicity responded alarmed.
‘Am I not entitled to a bit of luck?
I work hard. I’m a nice guy. Well at least I think I’m a nice guy.’
‘You're a nice guy, Derek, you are,’ Felicity agreed, finding it hard not to laugh at his outburst.
‘Then where’s my girlfriend? Don’t you all say you want a nice guy, well here I am. Why don’t you want me? It would be nice for someone just to make love to me and for me to last long enough to get inside them.’
Felicity was gobsmacked.
‘I’m thirty-two and I’m a virgin. This would make my bitch of a grandmother dance in her grave if she’d only dig herself one. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. But a thirty-two year old virgin! I’m not asking much. I don’t think I’m asking much. But I just think I deserve better than this, I just think I deserve...’
Felicity swung forward and kissed him. Derek took a sudden breath, which made him cough slightly as she placed her lips on his. As they readjusted themselves, Felicity looked into his eyes and smiled at him reassuringly. She felt a rush of Mother Theresa and a touch of the Angel Gabriel coming on, as she enticed Derek onto the sofa. Despite her concern for Derek and the imposing barrier that was restricting his life, having watched him shout in anger, he had kind of turned her on. She had seen a passion raging inside him that she had never seen before and because her hollow had lay dormant since Sean’s undercover operations, she was more than happy to help.
Much to Felicity’s shock, Derek started the exploration first, gently lifting off her jumper and beginning a stubble fuelled kissing of the neck. Felicity was surprised by his passion and began unravelling him from his new French Connection jumper. They both knew that if they stopped to think, everything would tumble down. So the heart rates were pumping and things moved fast.
They were both now down to their underwear. Derek was glad that he was wearing the plum boxer shorts, they were, after all, his favourites. As they kissed each other softly and desperately, Felicity could feel Derek’s little ego inflating. He wasn’t tiny, but he certainly wasn’t large. This was a huge relief to her after recent experiences. She could work with this. When she reached down to cup his couture, Derek seized up, as though he were afraid that he would immediately explode on her face. Much to both their relief, he didn’t.
Felicity gently spat on her hand and treated Derek to his first ever wet wank. Something that he would definitely be repeating. Aware of her potential time limitations, Felicity continued jerking his little man with one hand, whilst she fumbled in her purse for a raincoat. Derek had no idea and before he knew it, Felicity had manhandled his mini me into a stretchy straightjacket and the tunnel was heading directly for him. The sensation of entering her was put on hold whilst he desperately tried to find the easiest access. As the splendid three-inch passenger train plunged into the hillside, a tingly sensation came over him and he shut his eyes. The feeling was incredible and he began to imagine doing it on a boat, in a car, on a plane and on all kinds of public transports. He started thinking about how beautiful Donna was and how incredible she would look if she thrusted on top of him, her breast flying mightily from side to side.
Once Derek opened his eyes again, he was dramatically reminded that he was with the equally beautiful Felicity.
‘Oh my god, I’m a terrible person,’ he thought.
Felicity saw the angst in his face.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
To which Derek replied in a sort of whimper, ‘What about us? I don’t want to ruin us.’
‘It’s okay,’ Felicity hastened, realising that she still had a long way to go, but very grateful for his gentle and non invasive member.
Derek, however, felt that it wasn’t okay and continued, ‘Are you sure? I just think it would be awfully sad to lose a perfectly good friendship over something so silly.’
‘Ssshh!’ she insisted. ‘This is for now and that’s all you need worry about, okay?’
Derek obliged, trying desperately to keep to the rhythm, until Felicity started supporting herself on one arm, leaning back, but still deeply gyrating. She looked incredible, her ginger curls hanging down and rubbing against Derek’s legs. Her little cashew breasts with erect pine nuts on top pointed up towards the ceiling, whilst she began to moan like a puppy dreaming.
Felicity had got into this position knowing full well that she could make both herself and Derek come. She guessed that Derek had approximately five minutes left in him. She, on the other hand, would have an hour at this rate. So she leant back and started massaging herself. She closed her eyes and imagined herself with her new beautifully formed breasts bobbing, just a little, in the heat of the passion. She didn’t care where, although a beach would be preferable, and she didn’t care with whom, although tall, dark and mediumly well endowed would be perfect.
Whilst Felicity was fantasizing about herself being hot, Derek had closed his eyes again and was unable to shake the image of Donna in Felicity’s position. Bent back, her oodles of bosoms would bounce dramatically and the thought of her touching herself was causing the blood to rush. As Derek opened his eyes, he saw Felicity taking extraordinarily large breaths as though she was hyperventilating. Her moaning was louder and slightly higher pitched and beads of sweat were dripping down her elegant chest. As Felicity began to spasm, Derek felt a head rush coming on and before he knew it, the straightjacket filled with oodles of lumpy custard.
It took Felicity just one minute to get her breath back. But it took Derek the next four minutes to recover from the fact that he had just successfully popped his outdated cherry. He wasn’t sure whether Felicity had come but it certainly sounded like she had enjoyed herself. As she dismounted and Derek fumbled with the beef bag and its creamy filling, they both felt a huge sense of success but an unwanted feeling of awkwardness.
Derek, unconfident of his abilities to get the condom off smoothly, got up, still packaged, and trundled off to the bathroom saying, ‘I’d better clean myself up.’
Looking at himself in the mirror, he was able to look passed the receding hair line, the floppy barnet and the slightly pronounced paunch of a belly and feel like a man. It had certainly been a transforming couple of months for him. But the most important thing to him now, had to be confirming his relationship with Felicity. She had been wonderful over the past few months, like a breath of fresh air sent to his dull and stagnant little world and he didn’t want to lose her. On the other hand, he was still very caught up with Donna. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get her out of his head. It was probably regret. He had felt a huge connection with her and he just couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened.
Felicity had now slipped nimbly back into her clothes and had put the kettle on. Derek came back into the room in a fresh pair of jeans and a polo shirt that he hadn’t tucked in. Felicity felt anxious as he walked up to her but he kissed her on the head and said, ‘Thank you, before proceeding to the cupboards to get the biscuits out.
Felicity stayed for the next three nights, curled up in his bed they were like lifelong friends. They didn’t touch each other once after that night, nor did they say anything more about it. They both had what they needed. And all was well.
A little further down the road, Donna flung herself down on the sofa and deeply exhaled, a little smile bursting through her tired cheeks. Her lips were still tingling from all the snogging that she had been doing and it felt like Irish leprechauns were jigging around inside her.
It had been years since she had been on such a fantastic date. The first with the Scot had been good, but the second, the one that she had just come home from, had been amazing. They had strolled around town hand in hand, stopping for coffee or to make out in an alley. The Scot’s hand had stayed firmly near her bottom and although he had needed to go home, due to meetings in the city the next day, Donna was positive that they had potential.
She was just sparking up her final cigarette of the night, before retiring to bed, when her mobile beeped. Launching herself at it, she was unable to control her excitement. She continued to let out a high pitched
squeal when she saw that it was from the Scot.
‘Maybe he can’t resist me and wants to come over. Maybe he wants to see me after his meetings tomorrow. He must really like me if he’s texting me already,’ she imagined hopefully before she read it.
‘Wife suspicious. Thanx 4 a gr8 d8 but will have 2 leave it there. Shame coz ur gorgeous x’
Donna’s mouth dropped open and her heart plunged into the sewers. It was becoming predictable that good things weren’t meant to happen to her. She was born to be alone. It flickered through her mind that she should call his wife and let her know that her suspicions were justified. But, tired of fighting, she turned on ‘The Shining’ and continued to smoke a further five fags before throwing herself into bed and bawling her eyes out.`
20
PAST GHOSTS
It was six-thirty in the morning when Derek was awoken by the buzzer. He lolloped out of bed and fumbled around for the light, before stumbling out of his bedroom. It was too early in the morning to think and he picked up the buzzer phone mindlessly.
‘Hello?’ he said, his voice cracking.
‘Hello, can I speak with Mr Stone please. This is Officer O’Brian.’
Derek swallowed hard, thinking back over everything that he had done recently. But he could not recall anything so terrible that the police would attend. He wasn’t that sort of man, or at least he thought he wasn’t.
‘This is Mr Stone.’
‘Mr Stone, would it be possible to come up.’
‘Uh, yes,’ Derek mumbled, making sure that he was neatly tucked into his pyjama bottoms before panicking about what they might want. He started to question Felicity’s age, although he knew that this was ridiculous. He started to worry that he had accidentally smuggled drugs or had been framed for kidnap.
Opening the door, he stood numbly, awaiting his fate as the officers approached.
The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy) Page 12