Running his side kick through his hands, he thought about stopping. But keen to remove as much tension as possible, after a little hesitation he began sliding his hand up and down his own little showerhead. He began to visualize Donna in other places. He visualized her lying naked on the beach and massaging aromatic tanning oil into her proud parents. He saw her dressed up in an airhostess’s uniform. Ever since he had seen the reality TV programme about airports, he had acquired a little fetish for trolley dollies and could easily imagine Donna as his very own. She would look marvellous in a little blue skirt and a blue jacket done up neatly under the bust, giving licence to two stone of jiggle fat to thrust itself over the top of her jacket.
Gradually Derek’s focus started to stray and he was brought back down to his grandmother’s death. This didn’t seem to affect his progress though, as within minutes the second in line to the throne was performing the royal wave and putting out the flag.
Tank now empty, Derek clambered jauntily out of the shower. As he dried himself, he pushed his hips forward and leant back, so that his stomach was poked out and there was a large arch in his back. He then continued to rub the towel from side to side, like a new form of salsa, forcing his hips to dance and his miniature collectables to bob around gently with the motion.
Derek’s stomach was now feeling like a possessed demon and a dull headache from lack of nourishment began to surface. Quickening his pace in the quest for food, Derek practically bounced into his fresh underwear and back into the well worn clothes again. He then proceeded to squirt his deodorant on and around him for the next fifty seconds. His room turned into a pubescent gas chamber and if Derek hadn’t headed into the hall to find his shoes, he could potentially have died. Tying his laces neatly into a double bow, he grabbed his coat and headed for the door, before remembering the flowers and the chocolate bar.
He had no idea what he was going to say to her, or what she would say back. But he wanted to gain some sort of forgiveness before he left. It felt like a dirty stain under a chest of drawers, which could be ignored whilst there, but now it was time to go, his heart would not stop pumping until the mark was gone. This worked for the metaphorical stains but the stains on Derek’s actual carpet remained.
Now ready, he shook his pocket to check that his keys were there and hurried anxiously out of the door. Walking down the stairs half a step at a time, Derek was staring gormlessly at the Toblerone. He could taste the creamy chocolate and nougat bits gently melting in his mouth and he was beginning to wish that he had bought two.
Donna’s window had long since been repaired and now sported a rather attractive fish etched onto the pane in blue. The bead curtains had been reinstated over the door and the same gorgeous girl and troubled youth were serving at the counter. Derek had hoped that the chip shop would be busy, so that he could walk in and make a spectacle of her. But it was dead. No one was in there at all.
Derek walked in shiftily, embarrassed by his grand display.
‘Hi, Derek, how are you?’ Wesley grinned at his hero.
‘Hello, Wes,’ Derek replied, looking at Donna as though it was an afterthought. ‘Hi Donna.’
‘Hi,’ Donna grunted, as she hurried back out the back.
Up until now Derek had kept the flowers firmly behind his back but, as Donna hurried away, he gradually relaxed his arm and rested them by his side.
‘Nice flowers. They for me?’ Wesley joked, knowing full well who they were for.
‘No...no....they’re for a friend,’ Derek argued unsuccessfully.
‘For Donna, you mean,’ Wesley corrected.
‘Well...no...yes...I mean...no...fish supper, please,’ Derek gave up.
‘Yeah, no worries. So do you want me to go and get the lucky lady?’
‘No!’ Derek stated adamantly.
‘Well, you’ve got to give them to her at some point and she already knows you’ve got them.’
‘What do you mean?’ Derek asked baffled.
‘Well, she will have already seen you shaking them behind your back when you came in. So she knows they’re either for her, or for some other woman. So if you don’t give them to her, then she is gonna think you have someone else on the go, and your chances are...well, fucked!’
Derek pondered his options, whilst Wesley began serving his supper.
‘Do you think she’ll take them?’
‘She’s a woman, of course she’ll take them. She’ll probably put them in a bin first, then think about them for the next hour. Then take them out again and pretend like you never did anything wrong in the first place. But she’ll take them, for sure.’
‘So she’s not seeing anyone?’
‘No, she’s not seeing anyone.’
‘Oh, okay. Good.’
There was a lofty pause as Derek looked concerned.
‘I think I’m gonna leave it,’ he chickened out.
‘You sure?’ Wesley asked.
‘Yes,’ Derek pretended unsuccessfully.
And with that Wesley stopped what he was doing, gave his apologies and hurried out to the back. At first Derek thought that he must have been getting more chips or wooden forks, but the longer he was left to think about it, the more likely it became that Wesley had, in fact, ignored Derek’s request and was currently updating Donna. Sure enough, Donna shuffled in a few minutes later as though her mum was pushing her from behind. Wesley sneakily edged his way back in behind her.
Derek was dumbstruck and Donna was unprepared to make the first move. So the pair stood inspecting the intricacies of the shop floor, waiting for the other to say something. Eventually Derek did.
‘How have you been, Donna?’ was his clumsy breaking of the ice.
‘Good...yeah, fine,’ Donna answered uncertainly.
‘Good...good,’ Derek stammered.
Not sure where to go next, he just stood, looking at Donna with an awkward smile.
Donna couldn’t be bothered. He clearly had a date or something lined up. She could see the flowers that he was unsuccessfully hiding, so why didn’t he just go? Why did he have to clutter up the shop and drag her heart and brain through the mud as well? She began to package up his meal and stood defensively at the till.
‘Did you want anything else?’
Derek took a while to adjust to what she was asking, before realizing that she was talking about the food and not her.
‘No, that’s everything...thanks.’
‘Three-ninety,’ Donna said slapping the meal across the counter.
‘Oh, I thought it was three-fifty,’ Derek replied confused.
‘Price has gone up,’ she grunted in return.
So Derek handed over the money in ten pence pieces and then headed out the door.
As he left, Donna bit her bottom lip and her emotions from all those months ago came rushing back. She wished that he would just disappear. She had seen him almost every day for the past decade, except for recently when he had avoided her. Now the only occasions that she had seen him was when he was diving in or out of his flat with the skinny ginger. It made her sick.
No sooner had Donna banned Derek in entirety from her life, the door opened again and he crept back in. He had walked all the way back up to his flat, before dumping his meal and plucking up the courage to come back down and try again.
‘What do you want?’ she asked, exhausted by the situation.
‘Do you have a moment to talk?’
‘Not really, no. I’ve got a chip shop to run.’
Derek looked around. There was still no one else in there.
‘So if you don’t have anything else to say, would you mind removing yourself from my shop?’
Derek was gutted and could find no words to tell her how he was feeling. So he gave up and shuffled back out the door again, muttering, ‘I’m sorry,’ on his way out.
Once he had left, Donna too began to have a stabbing feeling of pain and was able to separate her thoughts so successfully from her body that she felt like she was sat
upstairs looking down on herself. Maybe she had been too harsh. She hadn’t meant to come across as cold but it was the only way that she could communicate with him without breaking down.
‘I thought I heard Derek come back in,’ Wesley enquired nosily, striding back in from his sneaky fag break.
‘Uh...yeah, he did,’ Donna tried to ignore, looking for jobs to do.
Wesley was silent for a few minutes before finally letting it out.
‘When are you two going to sort yourselves out?’
‘What?’ Donna asked, taken aback.
‘He likes you and you like him. What is so complicated about that? You just need to get on with it.’
‘He doesn’t like me,’ Donna retaliated.
‘Uh, yeah he does,’ Wesley retorted.
‘Look, Wesley. You don’t know anything about it, so would you just leave it. He doesn’t like me and that’s that, okay?’
‘No, it’s not okay,’ Wesley replied aggravated. ‘He likes you. You need to face the facts, and you need to face the fact that you like him right back. No one likes fish and chips that much, Donna. Come on! I’m sick of you two fannying about and wasting each other’s time, when you both clearly like each other. You’re like teenagers. You put on your porn voice..’
‘No, I do not!’ Donna piped in.
‘...and Derek gets so tongue tied that he can’t even speak to you. So why don’t you just get on with it? Make the world better for everyone else around you and get on with it!’
Donna stood brewing silently, whilst Wesley anticipated a reply. He did not get one. Donna’s face was held and stubborn and for the next thirty seconds she stood looking out of the shop like a manikin.
Suddenly, she broke from her freeze and like a tornado she picked up her handbag and ran frantically out of the door.
‘Barp...barp...barp,’ went the buzzer on Derek’s door as he shovelled in a handful of chips. He wasn’t expecting anyone, but Felicity was probably dying all her pants brown at present just thinking about the operation tomorrow, so it would most likely be her.
‘Hello, Stone residence,’ he joked, elevating his pure English accent.
‘Derek, its Donna...can I come up?’
‘Yes, yes come up,’ Derek answered ecstatically.
For the next twenty seconds Derek buzzed around the house like a chipmunk on ecstasy, until he heard a knock. He then pounced on the knob like a long lost girlfriend and swung open the door.
Donna was playing the ice maiden card and waltzed in calmly but swiftly and stood looking at Derek.
Derek sheepishly picked up the flowers and the half eaten Toblerone, before putting the Toblerone back down and handing her the flowers.
‘What are these for?’ she asked like a spoilt teenager.
‘I...well...I...I wanted to say sorry,’ he muttered.
‘A bit late, isn’t it?’ she scoffed.
Derek paused.
‘I wanted to speak to you, I did. It’s just...well...you see...I’m too...’
‘Shy?’ Donna ended for him, sick of his spluttering.
‘Yes,’ he swallowed.
‘Well, if you are so fucking shy, Derek Stone, then why had you moved onto some twenty year old stick insect before the spunk was even dry on my chest.’
‘What stick insect? I don’t know a stick insect. I didn’t, I promise. I don’t know...I didn’t....Felicity? Do you mean Felicity?’
‘So there was, I knew it! And to think I thought you were different. But you’re just as much of a sanctimonious little wanker as....’
‘I never slept with Felicity. Well I did, but not until weeks after we did...almost did. But it was just once. She’s a friend, nothing more. Anyway she wouldn’t want an old fogey like me for a boyfriend anyway!’
Derek could feel the shit thickening around his legs.
‘Neither would I!’ Donna concluded, storming towards the door.
As she did, she saw the boxes.
‘What are these?’ she swallowed, stopping in her tracks.
‘Boxes,’ Derek answered.
Donna swung around and looked at the flat. Very little had changed but the few belongings that he did have were gone. She panicked.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m moving’
‘To where?’
‘To Southcove.’
‘Southcove? Why?’
Southcove was just as bad as Crackerley. In fact, it was worse because it didn’t even have any shops.
‘I...well, I inherited a house there.’
‘Ooh, lucky you, don’t some people get all the luck.’
‘I wanted to say goodbye.’
‘Well, why didn’t you then?’
‘Well, that’s kind of what I was trying to do now.’
‘Right. Good. Bye,’ Donna mumbled, scrambling to get out the door.
‘Donna, wait!’ Derek squawked, launching himself at the door and grabbing her by the shoulders. ‘I think you’re amazing,’ he said catching his breath. ‘I think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Every time I see you, I stop breathing and my heart starts pounding so hard that I can’t move and I shake a little bit. No matter what I do I can’t get you out of my head. You’re all I want. Please, Donna.’
Derek looked at her with pleading eyes.
Donna was gobsmacked.
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Of course, I’m sorry. I...I never should’ve said anything. I’m just...well, I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t know, Derek. I’m not interested in playing games. I like you but if...’
‘You like me?’
‘Yes, I like...liked you.’
‘Oh, so you don’t anymore?’ Derek responded, disappointed.
‘No...well...yes...yes I do, but I can’t...I can’t.’
Just as Donna turned to leave Derek caught her, swung her around and forced her gently up against the wall, letting his lips sensuously consume her. He kissed her with such passion and gentility that Donna’s left knee started to shake uncontrollably. He ran his fingers softly down her face, her cheeks glowing like the Olympic torch. He started to kiss her neck, curving gently up to a nibbling of her ears. His senses were on fire and he was going to make the most of it while he still had the chance. Full of respect and control, he softly rubbed his fingers down her arm to her palm. He squeezed her hand gently and guided her through to the bedroom, where he chucked her onto the bare bed and cuddled into her bosom.
‘You mean the world to me, did you know that?’ he whispered softly.
This sent a chemical reaction to Donna’s organs and suddenly she was hornier than a rhino. She sat up speedily, rushing of her jumper and wriggling out of her jeans. Derek caught onto the frenetic undressing and went about pulling his tops off. By the time he got to his trousers, Donna had already undone his belt and was tugging at the trouser leg. An awkward wiggle and a flick of the foot later and he was now entirely naked covered by an underwear clad Donna.
Like something out of one of Derek’s favourite movies, Donna began unclipping her bra, still straddling him and gyrating softly against his pelvis. It was like his own personal sex show and she looked amazing, her breasts hanging voluptuously off her chest like unbaked dough, begging to be eaten. Arching her back slightly to give Derek the best view, Donna started softly cupping his volovants before heading to his sausage roll. By the time she got to it, it was well and truly solid.
Dismounting from Derek, she kept her right hand moving whilst trickily removing her knickers with the other. As her hand moved sturdily forward and back, she couldn’t help but imagine it covered with crispy batter. Picturing this, Donna dove into a pile of pubes and Derek’s plane made a crash landing into her extraordinarily large airport hangar. Donna was able to put her fist in her mouth, which had proved very useful in the past and was certainly making Derek squirm with delight.
Suddenly, from underneath her, Derek reached down and started searching without a compa
ss between her legs, before pushing her vigorously onto her back and tenderly opening her legs. To Derek, this was like being a child on Christmas morning. Running downstairs to find that everything he had ever wanted was there on plate for him. Derek had never been one for art, but if someone were to paint Donna at that very moment, it would have sold for thousands and probably to Derek. She was heavenly.
Donna was relaxed and gently moaning when Derek left one hand doing the work and stretched his neck out to begin kissing her ankle, gradually licking and slurping his way up to her cave of secrets. He hesitated at the entrance, thinking about the weeds growing outside, the potential tastes and the uncomfortably close next-door neighbour. Donna was beginning to wish that she had groomed her wiry protectors. But as Derek relaxed into it, it soon became clear that he didn’t really mind.
He was revelling in the texture of Donna’s damp walls, exploring and caressing her to the best of his abilities. This time he was certain that he had found the switch to flick because it sat bulbous and hard in comparison to the pink, juicy lining of her refrigerator. Donna was now moaning in delight.
‘You okay?’ she asked sitting up.
‘I’m the best I’ve ever been,’ Derek answered honestly.
And with that, Donna pulled Derek’s face towards her. She kissed him softly on the lips, soon wishing that she hadn’t because she was able to taste her own juices. Then she ran her hands seductively down his back before eventually gripping his pole and guiding it into her suction tube. Donna was slippery so it took a few moments as junior banged awkwardly against the door frame. But once the weapon was successfully manoeuvred in through the front gates, Derek felt empowered swirling happily around her insides. He gyrated his hips eagerly, not having quite mastered a circular motion yet, but his thrusts were strong and long and from the noises that were coming out of Donna’s mouth, it appeared to be doing the trick.
Donna could feel tingling in her feet, whilst being cradled between Derek’s thighs. She began to pulse with blood and her vision became fuzzy and her head rushed. As she came, her arms spasmed impulsively and Derek was left wondering if she was okay.
The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy) Page 14