Derek giggled a little as a pre-ordered bottle of fine champagne was delivered to the table. Felicity looked at it confused.
‘We didn’t order this,’ she said, pissed off that a restaurant of this calibre could not get things right.
‘I believe the gentleman has ordered it in advance, madam,’ the waiter replied dandily.
Felicity looked at Derek amazed. He smiled back naughtily, grateful that everything was going according to plan. As the waiter opened the bottle, a thick mist oozed out of the top, before the overflowing bubbles were poured into their glasses. Felicity felt like a princess and right at that moment, if Derek had got down on one knee and popped the question, she would have said yes. But he didn’t. Instead he raised his glass and said, ‘To Felicity!’
‘And to Derek, for being the best friend ever!’
Felicity then began to speedily sip her champagne, whilst Derek paced himself a bit more, partly owing to the fact that he was driving but mainly due to knowing it’s extortionate price. He wanted Felicity to get the best of it.
‘Mmm, yummy!’ she enthused, as the bubbles trickled bouncily down her throat. ‘This is so brilliant. Thank you, Derek.’
She leant over the table, encouraging Derek to get up so that she could plant a soft kiss on his lips.
He laughed gawkily.
‘Wait until you get your present.’
Felicity smiled excitedly, before looking around to see if the present was in the vicinity.
‘Is it in the car?’ she asked.
‘Sorry?’ Derek replied, unaware as to what she was looking for.
‘My present, where is it? When will I get it?’
Derek pondered this for a while.
‘Before the dessert but after the main course,’ he stated, sticking rigidly to his plan.
‘I don’t think I can wait that long,’ Felicity responded, bouncing a little.
‘Well, you’ll have to,’ Derek replied in a cool, calm authoritative voice, giving Felicity no choice but to listen.
So the pair then began to examine the menu. Derek had no doubt that the food would be exceptional but everything was described in such a flouncy way that it was hard to decipher what it was.
‘Are you getting a starter?’ he asked, looking over to Felicity.
‘Am I allowed?’ she quizzed, far too conscious that he was likely to be paying.
‘You are allowed whatever you want, even the lobster.’
She stuck her tongue out and gagged at the mention of it.
‘I think I’ll pass on the lobster, thanks,’ she laughed.
‘Yes...I don’t blame you at all,’ Derek joined in.
Felicity eventually decided on the calamari for a starter and chicken in a white wine sauce for the main. Derek went for the terrine followed by a stilton drizzled steak. He liked to think that the steak made him look like a real man. The stinky breath being its only downfall.
The food was ordered, served and devoured devilishly, with all the, ‘Ooohs’, ‘Ahhhs’ and, ‘This is delicious,’ noises that should accompany any fine cuisine. The plates had just been cleared, when Derek presented Felicity with a bright red envelope.
She grinned in anticipation.
‘Is this my present?’
‘Open it and see,’ he replied, just as excitedly as Felicity.
Felicity opened the card slowly, squeezing every inch of her anticipation out gradually. The card was of a busty lady bumping into things with her enormous breasts. Derek had found it funny in the card shop. But, as Felicity looked at it, she couldn’t help but notice a huge resemblance to Donna.
‘He should never have let her go,’ she thought.
As she opened the card she expected a voucher or a cheque to fall out, but it was empty. It read:
Dear Felicity
Happy Birthday
You mean the world to me
Love
Derek
It wasn’t a detailed prose of their friendship, but the words were incredibly touching and Felicity smiled at Derek warmly with wet eyes.
‘That’s really sweet, Derek. Thank you,’ she said.
She felt lucky to have a friend like him but was conscious of the fact that this was not really a present. She wasn’t surprised then when Derek pulled out a second envelope. This one was long and white, the type that usually contained a horrendous gas bill or a speeding fine. Derek’s grin was now well into his eyeballs and Felicity’s stomach had begun spasming like it was full of hyperactive frogs.
‘Open it, open it!’ Derek screamed like a kid at the fair.
Felicity fingered it, intrigued, before plunging her pinkie into the corner and ripping the top open. She saw a card shaped like a theatre ticket nestled at the bottom, but was too nervous to drag it out. She looked at Derek and was quite able to imagine a large puddle forming around his feet.
‘Open it!’ he repeated again.
Tentatively she slowly drew out the card and looked at it confused.
‘Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God!’ she squealed, uncaring of the other tables. ‘No, no, no, no, no, you didn’t!’
Derek’s smile was now stretched across his entire face.
‘Australia?’ Felicity asked, not quite believing it.
Derek nodded.
‘Really? Australia?’ Felicity pressed, still unable to comprehend it.
‘Really,’ Derek confirmed, chuffed to bits with himself.
‘I can’t....I can’t...this is too much. How can you afford this, Derek?...I can’t...Derek....wow!’
‘You deserve it,’ Derek smiled warmly.
‘But Australia?’ Felicity continued.
‘Oh, do you not want to go now?’ Derek asked, knowing full well that she did.
‘Of course I do, you idiot. But it is too much, Derek. It’s too much.’
‘Oh, well, fine. I’ll take it back and get a refund then, shall I?’
‘No, no, no, no, no!’ Felicity panicked, before realizing that he was joking. ‘I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what...’
Her voice cracked as the tears began to flow freely down her cheek, dragging her black mascara with it. Snot was now mounting in her nostrils and the crying was making her hiccup too. She held out her arms like a child to their parent and squeezed Derek vigorously into her newly pumped breasts.
‘I can’t believe you’ve done this,’ she sobbed, now a key focal point in the restaurant.
Just when Felicity thought that she couldn’t get any more surprised, a large chocolate laden pastry topped with ice cream and a lit candle was placed in front of her. A quiet humming of ‘Happy Birthday’ ensued from Derek, the penguin and a few of the neighbouring tables. As she blew out the candle, she had to think carefully about what she wished for because her usual wish had just come true. So instead she made a wish for Derek.
‘What did you wish for?’ Derek enthused.
Felicity placed her finger over her lips and raised her eyebrow secretively.
‘Oh, okay. Well, I hope it comes true for you,’ he responded genuinely.
‘I can’t believe you, Derek. Do you realize you’ve just given me everything I’ve ever wanted?’
‘It’s only the beginning,’ he smiled.
27
FUCKERS IN FRANCE
Christmas and New Year had gone by with very little excitement. Derek had spent the day stuffing Janka’s turkey and she in return had roasted his ham. Felicity, on the other hand, had had a rubbish day, with no presents or a phone call from France and just the company of a drunken mother who was convinced that it was Easter because they didn’t have a Christmas tree. But Felicity had found it a lot easier to get through knowing that she would be gone in a matter of weeks.
Over the past fortnight she had handed in her notice, sorted her visa, had six preparation sun beds and brought five tiny pairs of bikini bottoms and five very much larger bikini tops. The only thing that was left to worry about now was her mother. She had told Beverley that sh
e was off travelling and Beverley’s response had been ‘That’s nice dear.’ No matter how much she had tried to convince her of the importance of what she was saying, the glaze over Beverley’s eyes stood between them.
Felicity was now sat by the phone, receiver in hand, plucking up the courage to call France. As she dialled, a bitter pang of anger rushed over her. She had never gotten over her dad and brother deserting her, but now she was going to do something about it. She dialled the number and the bizarre ring tone began.
‘Bonjour?’ the Essex accent answered.
‘David, it’s Felicity.’
‘Felicity! How are you? How are the new boobs, you filthy slut.’
‘Oh, shut up, David, at least they’re better than your moobs!’
‘Oooh!’ David said before continuing. ‘How’s Mum?’
‘Like you care,’ Felicity replied, still revved up.
‘That’s what I need to talk to you about.’
‘Is she okay? Flick, is she okay?
‘Yeah, she’s fine, except for the ten litres of alcohol thrashing around her body all the fucking time.’
‘Is she still bad?’ David asked concerned.
‘David, she’s awful. She’s at it all the time. She never remembers a thing I say and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care that I’m leaving for Australia in a few weeks.’
‘Oh, Felicity, not that again! What’s your fascination with that place anyway?’
‘Fuck off, David! If you and Dad hadn’t abandoned me with her then I would’ve been able to go when I wanted to in the first place! Anyway, this time I’m going and I’m not staying for anyone, I swear to you.’
‘What about Mum?’
‘What about her?’ Felicity retorted.
‘If she’s bad you can’t just leave her, not if she’s bad again. You can’t.’
‘You did, you left her. You left her with me. I can’t spend my whole life looking after her, you know, just because you and Dad can’t be bothered. What about me, eh? Maybe if you hadn’t abandoned her in the first place then she wouldn’t be this bad!’
‘But, Felicity...’
‘No! No. I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I’ve been looking after her on my own for pretty much ten years now and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.’
‘But we can’t just drop our lives over here because you want to go on an extended holiday.’
‘What the fuck have you been doing for the past decade? Lapping up France, living the life. Yeah, well now it’s my turn.’
‘Actually it’s only nine years.’
‘Oh, fuck off!’
‘Come on, Felicity.’
‘No. No. I’m done. She’s your problem now.’
‘Felicity!’
Felicity had hung up. The tears streaming rapidly down her freckled cheeks. Why couldn’t they understand? Why couldn’t she have a different family? She walked over to her dressing table, where the open ended ticket lay and picked it up. This filled her with even more determination than before and she was going to let nothing stand in her way.
2 8
BRING ON THE BAGGAGE
Since Derek had first met Janka they had banged ends a total of sixty-four times. Any tension that Derek had had in the past had now well and truly disappeared. In fact, Derek had only walked his dog once since their first meeting.
Janka was currently in the shower. Derek commended her for her cleanliness. Janka just wanted the feeling of him out of her.
Derek, meanwhile, was making the coffee. He was not a singer, nor a whistler, but right now he was humming away merrily whilst he rummaged in the cupboard for the biscuits. Janka was particularly partial to Jammy Dodgers, so he had a large stash at the back.
‘Dirik!’ he heard from the hall.
‘I’m in here,’ he greeted.
She tottered in, fresh and cleansed with one of Derek’s shirts barely covering her naughty bits. One of the things that Derek loved about her was the fact that, no matter what she wore or how cold it was, she always managed to make sure that there was something to look at. She was like a bronzed sculpture and every time he looked at her he found something new and even more beautiful than before.
As she approached the kettle, Derek grabbed her and cradled her in his arms. She squealed with excitement.
‘Eeeeghhhh! Dirik. You are so naughty boy.’
Once the kettle had signalled its triumphant ending, Derek released her from his grasps and set about on his coffee, milk and sugar mission.
‘I finish soap. I buy new one,’ Janka said.
‘Oh, no you don’t! You shouldn’t have to waste money on buying me soap.’
‘I want to.’
‘But there is no need.’
‘I have a lot of shower now I met you. I am here a lot. I buy it.’
‘The only way that I would let you buy it is if you lived here,’ Derek joked.
‘Oh, Dirik, I would love too!’ Janka pounced, finally getting what she wanted.
‘You want to move in? Derek checked in disbelief.
‘Yes!’
‘Oh!’
‘You don’t want me, do you?’
‘Uh...yes...yes...I think I’d like nothing more.’
‘Di do pici vole,’ she smirked.
‘Sorry?’
‘I love you, Dirik.’
Derek grinned, ‘I love you too.’
The pair sealed the deal with a kiss, before cracking open the Jammy Dodgers.
Derek watched intently as Janka nibbled the shortbread from around the sides, leaving the jammy bit on her finger until last. She was heavenly. The thought of her moving in with him made him feel ridiculously anxious but incredibly excited. He wanted it so badly. It would be a delight to wake up every day and to not be alone, to be able to see her whenever he wanted. It would be a real treat.
‘How we bring things?’ she asked.
‘Well, I’ll drive and pick it up for you.’
‘At what time?’
‘Sorry?’
‘What time we pick it up?’
‘Today?’ Derek asked a little shocked.
‘Okay, we pick it up today.’
‘Oh,’ Derek responded, slightly alarmed at the speed of the engagement.
‘You drop me home now. I put my stuff in suitcase and I call when I am ready to come.’
Derek was having trouble keeping up with it all. But his ‘Uhs...’ ‘Ums...’ and ‘Ers...’ were treated as a yes and no sooner had the coffee been drunk, Janka was ready to hurry out of the door and get the deal well and truly signed. She bounded up and then down the stairs energetically, having slipped her jeans on under Derek’s shirt, the shirt still hanging daringly open.
‘You are my roommate now,’ she chuckled, before they hurried out of the door.
‘She’s what?’ Felicity gasped amazed.
‘She’s moving in today,’ Derek smiled.
‘Derek, are you joking because it’s not funny.’
‘Felicity, I am being deadly serious.’
‘Oh! God, Derek, are you sure about this? It’s a big step. Moving in? I mean...wow!’
‘I’m sure.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘And did you talk to her about rent? You’re going to make her contribute to bills and stuff, aren’t you?’
‘Uh...well...I haven’t really thought about that yet.’
‘You haven’t thought about it yet?’
‘No.’
‘So you’re going to let her move in and scrounge off of you. Come on, Derek, think about it!’ Felicity retorted frustrated.
‘I’m sure we’ll sort something out. I don’t mind. I love her.’
‘Yeah, I know. But don’t rush into this, okay? I’m leaving in a week, so I won’t be here to look after you if it all goes tits up, you know that, don’t you?’
‘Tits up,’ Derek sniggered.
‘Derek!’
‘It won’t, I prom
ise. She’s perfect.’
‘Nobody's perfect, Derek,’ Felicity stressed.
‘She is.’
‘No, she’s not. Trust me, she’s not. But if you’re happy then I suppose there is nothing left that I can do.’
‘Just be pleased for me, Felicity,’ Derek pleaded.
‘I am...I am...it’s just....it doesn’t matter.’
There was an awkward silence as the two friends silently agreed to disagree, before a bellow came from the living room.
‘Felicity! Felicity! Are you there?’ Beverley cried.
At first Felicity stayed silent.
‘Felicity!’ the shout came even louder.
‘What!’ Felicity eventually replied.
‘Come here, sweetheart! I can’t hear you!’
Felicity was not happy as she stormed into the living room to find her mother lying on the sofa, watching shite on the telly.
‘What?’ Felicity repeated angrily.
‘I just thought you’d be making a drink for Derek and mines empty. Would you mind ever so, darling?’ Beverley cooed, as she rattled her empty glass.
Felicity snatched the glass, saying nothing as she headed back into the kitchen.
‘I can’t fucking wait to get out of here,’ she muttered.
‘What did she want?’ Derek asked nosily.
‘What do you think she wanted?’
‘Oh, right, okay,’ Derek backed down, heartbroken for Felicity.
The pair then moved onto a happier discussion about her travelling plans, before Beverley swaggered into the room.
‘Did you get my drink, darling?’
‘Not yet, no, you’ll have to wait,’ was the abrupt response.
‘Oh! Well, if you are going to be all ratty about it, I’ll make it myself.’
This seemed to take her half an hour, before she arrived at the table, drink in hand.
‘And how’s my gorgeous Derek? she asked, ruffling his hair.
‘I’m fine, thank you very much, Beverley, and yourself?’
‘Yes, yes, yes, fine. Except you know Felicity thinks she’s off frolicking around the globe, off to see the koalas and all those aboriginal folk, aren’t you, Felicity? Without even a thought for her mother, no thought at all. I mean really, Derek, who would I have for company?’
The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy) Page 19