by A. K. Evans
*****
Light. My eyes were closed and I could see the light and brightness surrounding me. It was incredibly comforting. Then, despite the good I was feeling I realized something wasn’t right. I was alone. I was in Zane’s bed and I was by myself. My eyes shot open. I was facing the side of the bed he always slept on and saw that it was, in fact, empty.
I suddenly found it hard to breathe. I had been right. My girls insisted that there was no way Zane’s feelings had changed for me, but now I knew the truth. I rolled to my back, wincing a bit at the pain I was still feeling in my abdomen. Bringing one of my hands up to cover my eyes I blew out a breath and tried to regain some control over my breathing, but it was useless. My chest rose and fell rapidly, proving I wasn’t doing a very good job reigning it in. I was certain my heart was going to beat out of my chest I was so panicked.
“Emme?” I heard Zane call.
Startled, my hand fell from my face and my head turned toward the opposite side of the room. Zane was sitting on the chaise sofa with his laptop resting on his thighs. I looked to him and tried to swallow past the tightness in my throat.
“Zane.”
“You ok?” he asked, clearly concerned.
Nope.
Definitely not.
I was in his bed nearly having a complete and total breakdown about five seconds ago because I had just realized that my worst fears came true. I had rules. I broke them. And now, I had to face the consequences. I didn’t blame him, though. I knew it had to have been difficult for him and despite where we were now headed I still believed that he was doing his best to handle me with care. Things had changed for him and I understood why. It didn’t make it hurt any less.
With tears in my eyes, I shook my head. I wasn’t going to lie to him about it.
He closed the laptop and set it aside. After walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed, he put his hand up to cup my cheek and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
My breaths came quick and I couldn’t hold it in. I burst into tears and managed to say through my sobs, “I’m so sorry.”
Zane bent over and slid his hands underneath my back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted me up. I sat there holding on to him as my heart shattered, knowing that I never wanted to let him go.
“Sweetheart, what are you apologizing for?”
I continued crying, but tried to take in a couple of settling breaths so I could tell him what he deserved to hear.
“I never wanted this to happen,” I confessed. “I’m sorry it has ruined us.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked.
I took in a few more breaths. “I know it was probably the most awful thing for you to have to go through when I was kidnapped.”
“I hated every fucking second of it.”
“I know. And I understand that having to watch him…put his hands and mouth on me changed things for you. I really do get it, but it still hurts.”
“Emme, I don’t understand.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I knew if I said the words it would destroy me. I also knew if he said them I’d be obliterated. All I could do was apologize.
“I’m sorry, Zane. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Em. You couldn’t control what happened.”
I knew what he was saying was true. There was no way I could have stopped what happened to me after I was kidnapped and shackled. It didn’t change the fact that I still felt tremendous guilt over what it had done to our relationship.
I eventually stopped crying and pulled back from him. My eyes came to his and I begged, “Will you tell me what it was like for you?”
“Em…” he trailed off.
“It’s important, Zane. This didn’t just happen to me. It happened to you, too, and I want to know what you went through.”
He took in a deep breath and blew it out. “The girls came back from the bathroom and I asked where you were. Elle said you were following right behind her. That’s when I knew he took you. I silently hoped that I’d find you getting a drink at the bar or that you had run back into the restroom, but I knew you hadn’t. I knew you weren’t there and I felt that deep in my gut. We talked to the bouncer who saw you leaving the saloon. Cliff immediately took Levi to the back offices so he could check the security footage. We saw him come up behind you when you came out of the restroom and then as he walked you out of there. I saw you fight, sweetheart,” he said, his voice getting hoarse.
He paused a moment to regain his composure. “Out in the parking lot, you fought so hard. And then he just threw you into the back of that fucking van. Levi and I immediately took off to the Cunningham offices. He had Trent checking every single security camera out of Lou’s lot following that van. He called Holden on the way and told him to get everyone to the office. Cruz was out of town on a case so he called him next to fill him in. Trent worked tirelessly on locating the van and finally found that it had stopped at a gas station. Dom and Gunner took off in that direction. A woman showed up three hours after you were taken and delivered a USB flash drive. It had the link to the live feed.”
He paused again. I could tell he was struggling with his emotions. I gave him the time he needed.
“Sweetheart, when I saw you on that screen hanging from those shackles…fuck, it was torture. You were hanging there in the dark, so cold, and I hated myself for not taking better care of you. Levi got Trent immediately working on figuring out from where the live feed was streaming. I just stood there, useless, watching you. It wasn’t even minutes later when Miller came down in the basement and woke you up. I watched it all, Emme. I watched as he cut off your dress and touched your body. I watched and listened as you spoke to me. I’m so sorry you were in the dark, Em. So fucking sorry.”
His eyes were filled with sorrow; he blamed himself for this.
“I saw everything he did to you and I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen. I threw something in Levi’s office. I think it was a chair. And then, he hit you. Seconds later, Trent had located you. You were more than an hour away. Cruz called and had finished his work on the other case. Levi updated him. He was five minutes away.”
“And then you came for me,” I said, softly.
He closed his eyes and nodded. “Yeah, Em. Then I came for you. It was just over five hours from the time you were taken until I held you in my arms again. Those were the worst five hours of my entire fucking life. You’re sitting here apologizing to me and I have no idea why, sweetheart. I’m the one who is sorry. I am so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you and keep you safe.”
I was silent a moment before I said, “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.”
“Pure gold, Emme.”
“What?” I asked.
“Your heart. You are the one who goes through something so horrific and you’re worried about how it has affected me.”
“You don’t have to do this, Zane.”
His brows drew together. “Do what?” he asked.
“Pretend,” I said, looking away. “I saw the look yesterday and I’ve felt the distance already.”
“You’re going to have to explain because I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I asked what you went through because I wanted to know what it was that brought us to this point. It didn’t dawn on me until yesterday after we woke up before your family came over and I saw the look on your face. You were frustrated and angry. And as time goes on I’m feeling you pull away from me. You’ve been so incredibly caring and you’ve taken such good care of me, but I understand how having to witness that live feed and seeing what he did to me changed how you feel about me. I hate him for taking your heart away from me,” I said, my voice cracking on those last few words.
“Em, what do you think I feel right now?” he asked, genuine concern in his beautiful voice.
“I think you’re struggling to figure out how to handle me with care because it’s in your nature to care
about someone who has been through what I’ve been through, but at the same time you can’t deny what having witnessed his hands and mouth on me did to change things for you. I’m ready to beg right now, but know that I can’t because it would be unfair to you and selfish of me,” I said.
“Beg for what?” he asked.
I held his eyes and a single tear fell from one of my eyes when I pleaded, “Please don’t take your love away from me.”
He sat there staring at me, dumbfounded.
Damn it. He was so beautiful and I loved him more than anything in the world. I looked away.
“Emme, look at me.”
I turned my head toward his.
“I love you.”
I went solid. He did?
“I don’t know why you are questioning that. I also don’t know what face you saw yesterday, but I can assure you that you’ve misinterpreted it. I won’t lie to you and say I haven’t felt frustration in the past day, but it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to make you think that you aren’t my entire fucking world.”
“That’s the first time you’ve told me you loved me since before I was taken. And, you weren’t in bed this morning. I thought that you…” I trailed off, my emotions getting the best of me.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I have been preoccupied with trying to make sure that I’m doing everything you need me to do for you physically that my mind is a little out of sorts. I hate that you have any doubts about my love for you, but trust me, I’m not taking it away from you. I promise to make sure you hear those words from me.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
He nodded. “Of course.”
“Does the thought of being intimate with me now disgust you?”
“Are you serious?” he asked in disbelief.
I nodded.
“Why would you think that?”
“You haven’t kissed me.”
“Em,” he said, letting out a sigh. “You were kidnapped, beaten, and sexually assaulted. I haven’t kissed you not because I don’t want to, but because what I want doesn’t matter right now. You need words to know how I feel, I’ll shout them from the rooftops now. I’m sorry I didn’t give those to you before. But sweetheart, you need physical affection from me I’m going to need you to tell me that. I don’t want to put your mind back in that basement by doing something you aren’t ready for.”
“Oh,” I said, dropping my eyes from his to my lap.
He brought his fingertips to my jaw and gently pressed my head up. “Do you want me to kiss you, Em?”
I nodded.
He moved his face closer to mine and wrapped his hand around the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and felt him gently press his lips to mine. Relief swept through me as we kissed, our lips and tongues tasting. Zane pressed his hand to the middle of my back and helped to guide me to my back so I was lying down. With his lips still connected to mine he shifted himself so that he was positioned half on, half off me. He was careful not to put his weight on me knowing my body hadn’t come close to being healed enough. My hands roamed, moving from his face to his hair and finally down his back. The feel of his skin under my fingertips was nice, but I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I pulled my mouth from his.
“You ok?” he asked.
I nodded and moved my hands to the shoulder straps of my nightie. “Can you take this off me?”
“Emme, don’t push yourself.”
“I’m not. I just want to feel the warmth of your skin against mine, Zane. Please.”
His face softened. He lifted himself enough to reach the hem of my nightie and slid it up my body over my head. Then, he settled his body half on mine again.
“I love you, Em.”
I smiled up at him. “I love you, Zane.”
He gave me a beautiful grin before he brought his mouth back to mine. I then spent the rest of my morning in bed kissing Zane.
Chapter 34
Emme
They say time heals all wounds. With each day that passed after my kidnapping I realized the truth in that statement. It was now Thursday, but the past few days had been spent healing and trying to get my life back to some sense of normalcy.
On Monday, following my morning make out session with Zane, I spent the day relaxing. My body was still very sore and small tasks wore me out very quickly. Zane was grateful for the fact that there were still plenty of leftovers from when our friends and his family had come over on Sunday. I definitely didn’t have the stamina to be up cooking meals. Zane spent the day with me, essentially waiting on me hand and foot, and it never once seemed to bother him. I didn’t think it’d help me to revisit it at night, and since I wasn’t able to do much else I took time that afternoon to talk to Zane about the kidnapping. I gave him the details of what happened to me before the live feed and then once he left Levi’s office to come to where I was being held. It wasn’t easy and I knew he was really struggling to maintain his control, but I felt it was crucial to share it all with him. Thankfully, I managed to get through it and Zane held me the entire time and for quite some time afterward. We didn’t dwell on it for long. I wanted him to know what had happened, but at the same time I was grateful that he knew I didn’t want to focus too much on it. Throughout the rest of the day everyone had called to check on me. While I knew they probably wanted to come and visit with me, I’m sure they also realized I needed some time to rest. Overall, Monday was the definition of a lazy day…at least for me.
Tuesday was much of the same. I was feeling better only needing to take pain meds once. My lip was nearly completely healed; I secretly told myself it was from all of the kisses Zane gave me. Our friends and Zane’s family came to visit me again arriving at different times throughout the day. I, at least, had enough energy to not fall asleep on them while they were there. Charley, Nikki, and Monroe were insisting that as long as I continued to heal physically they were still planning on having a birthday bash on Saturday for me. I was hesitant, knowing I’d be going back to the place I was kidnapped, but in the end I agreed. I knew that if I got there and it was too much to handle they’d all take me somewhere else.
That night, I asked Zane to shower with me. He was cautious, but I managed to convince him that it was what I really wanted. We did a lot of kissing. My hands roamed his body and I could tell he was fighting to keep his in the safe zones. I wanted him to touch me, but I also knew he needed me to tell him when I was ready for more. I brought my hands to his and helped to guide them to my breasts. I was a bit nervous beforehand, but realized I wouldn’t know how I’d react until his hands were there. Surprisingly, I think it was just what I needed. As he squeezed them and played with my nipples I moaned. I wanted more.
“Zane, will you put them in your mouth?” I asked.
His eyes grew intense and he growled as he bent his head to take one into his mouth. He paid special attention to one side licking, sucking, kissing, and teasing before moving to the other side. I wanted to give him a little pleasure as well so I reached my hand out to his hardened length and began stroking him. He groaned. A few minutes later he began trailing kisses back up toward my mouth. I continued stroking him while he brought one hand around to squeeze my bottom. We were both seriously worked up as I felt his other hand leave my breast and begin trailing down my abdomen. He continued to kiss me as his hand went further south. The second his fingertips touched my core my hands went to his biceps and I pulled my hips away.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I pressed my forehead to his chest. “I can’t.”
“Ok, sweetheart. It’s alright,” he said.
My stomach went cold and I felt the burning in my nose. I looked up at him, tried to swallow past the lump, and said, “I’m sorry.”
“Emme, it’s ok.”
I bit my lip, feeling awful about having gotten him all worked up only to do this.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
“I didn’t mean to get you worked up
and have this happen,” I said, quietly.
“I know you didn’t, Em. I’m pretty sure I’ll survive,” he said, giving me a warm smile.
“I don’t mind helping you finish,” I offered.
He shook his head. “Appreciate it, but no. I am waiting for you. We do this together and it takes as long as it takes.”
I wrapped my hands around his waist and pressed my cheek to his chest. “Thank you, baby.”
His arms came around me as he said, “Love you, Emme.”
“I love you, too.”
Wednesday rolled around and physically I was feeling the best I had since the whole kidnapping incident. My face was healing nicely and with a little make up (ok, it was more than a little) you couldn’t really tell that I had suffered a black eye. The bruises on my abdomen were fading and I no longer needed any pain medications. I had been stuck inside for so many days trying to give my body the time it needed to heal that I asked Zane if we could get out of the house for a couple of hours. He was more than willing to take me out. In fact, he asked if I wanted to go shopping for a new dress for my birthday celebration on Saturday.
“You want to go shopping?” I asked.
“No, but your birthday is coming up and I want to buy you a dress for it. I’m not prepared to let you head out alone just yet so I’d like to take you.”
So, we went shopping on Wednesday and Zane bought me a new dress for my birthday. After a couple hours at the mall, Zane took me out for an early dinner and following dinner we drove to Wes’ house. Zane had called Wes earlier when I was in the dressing room and told him that I wanted to spend some time out of the house today. Since Nikki and Monroe were staying at Wes and Charley’s place, he invited us over so I’d have a couple extra hours of different scenery. I appreciated the invite and soaked up some time with my girls. It was dark by the time we got back to Zane’s house that night and I was thoroughly exhausted, but I had absolutely loved my day out with him.