by Mike Ryan
From Recker’s standpoint, after first hearing of the CIA coming, his first inclination was to pack up and leave the area, set up shop somewhere else and start over again. But the more he agonized over it, the more he realized he just wasn’t interested in running for the rest of his life. Though he wasn’t ready to leave the world yet, he just didn’t want to pick up and move every time the CIA started getting close. While he was used to the cloak and dagger world he was engrossed in, he was getting to the point where he just wanted to stay in one place. He didn’t want to be a nomad and move to a new city every year or two years. Recker didn’t think it was much of a life, just trying to stay one step ahead of the organization that was hunting him. And since he was now back on their radar, if there was ever any doubt they’d forgotten about him, it was now gone.
Maybe if he hadn’t killed 17 yet, he would’ve felt different. After all, for a long time, finding and killing him was the only thing Recker was really living for. Now he had accomplished his mission, maybe Recker wasn’t really living for anything. Sure, he found satisfaction in his work and helping people avoid becoming a bad statistic, but there had to be more to life than just that. Something on a more personal level. If he wasn’t being hunted, maybe Mia would’ve been the something he needed or craved. But while the situation was the way it was, he could never put another woman’s life in danger because of him. He just wouldn’t. Not again.
Recker and Jones, neither of whom had much to say, worked silently for the next several hours. While Recker continued monitoring the CIA as best he could, he knew it was a losing game. There was only so much they could do from there. He knew the chances were good that he wouldn’t see them until they were right on top of him. Jones was digging into the background of a few people for a few cases which were on the horizon. While he was doing that, he continued thinking about Recker’s behavior and stance on not wanting to leave. Finally, he stopped working and swiveled his chair around to face his friend and pick his brain a little more.
“So, are you going to tell me what the real reason is you don’t want to leave here?” Jones said. “I know it can’t be as simple as that.”
“Why can’t it?” Recker said, not taking his eyes off the computer.
“I don’t know. Most of the time, people have more complex reasons for doing anything. It’s very rarely one thing, but a mixture of thoughts that cause it.”
“Maybe.”
“I know you don’t have a death wish. Or do you?”
Recker snickered at the suggestion. “If I had a death wish I would’ve died on the battlefield last night.”
“I know. If you tell me it’s the honest truth that you just don’t want to pick up and leave then I’ll leave the subject alone. But I just don’t believe it is. And considering we’re in this together, and what you do affects me, I think I have a right to know the truth.”
Recker sighed and finally took his attention off the computer screen. “Truthfully, I don’t even know myself what the real reason is. I guess it’s probably a bunch of things.”
“Such as?”
“Well, part of it is the resignation that eventually they’re going to find me. I mean, why keep putting it off?”
“Self-preservation is always a good reason,” Jones said.
“What exactly am I preserving?”
“Your life, your work. It’s a good start.”
“Living on the run isn’t much of a life,” Recker said.
“I’ve never heard you talk like this before.”
“I guess it’s just the realization...”
“What?”
“I don’t know.” Recker sighed. “I guess part of me figures...I don’t even know what I’m saying.”
“Does this have anything to do with Mia’s recent situation?” Jones said.
“Maybe a little.”
After a few seconds of thinking, Jones thought he might’ve stumbled upon it. “Are you feeling sorry for yourself?”
“No.”
“Is it about Carrie?”
“I dunno.”
“Mike, you’re going to have to start explaining what it is you’re actually feeling.”
“Explaining my feelings isn’t something I’m exactly good at or used to,” Recker said.
“Yes, I’m aware. But give it a try.”
“I guess it’s like you said, a little bit of everything. After Carrie died, the only thing that kept me going was finding the person who was responsible for it. For three years, it was my life.”
“And now that’s finished, you’re finding it hard to have a purpose to keep going,” Jones said.
“I guess so.”
“Carrie’s death has been avenged, Mia’s moving on, and there’s nothing else on a personal level to keep you moving forward.”
“Yeah.”
“What about the work we’re doing? The people we’re helping, the people who are alive and well because of you, doesn’t it mean anything to you?”
“Of course it does. But there’s gotta be more to life than just going around and shooting people every week, doesn’t there?”
With his weary outlook, Jones could now obviously tell what the problem was. Recker needed some deeper meaning in his own life. He’d spent most of his adult life helping and protecting others so he never thought about his own needs much. Then, when he finally did and met Carrie, it was ripped away from him. He was ready to leave the life he led behind once before, and Jones surmised he might wish to do it again, or at least have a life outside of his work. But he was stuck in the neutral zone where he didn’t want to be alone anymore, but he didn’t want to bring someone close to him either.
“At the risk of sounding unsympathetic to your problems, Mike, at some point you’re going to have to make a decision on what it is you truly want.”
“Don’t you ever get tired of being cooped up in here most hours of the day, seven days a week?” Recker said.
“Maybe once in a great while. But for the most part, no, it really doesn’t bother me. I made the decision a long time ago when I first decided on going ahead with this operation, this would be what the rest of my life was like. And I was OK with it. I knew going into this that love or relationships would be non-existent. They would be for other people. The people I’m trying to help. I put to rest any ideas I may have ever had about leading a normal life, having a wife, having kids, buying a house, all the other normal things normal people do. I think your biggest problem is, that you had a taste of what another life could be, you liked it, and you’ve never let go of it.”
Recker just nodded as Jones continued, not really knowing how to respond, but basically agreeing with his sentiments.
“But the life you started to build with Carrie is gone, Mike. She’s gone. You’ve never really accepted her death. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve gone, who you’ve killed, who you’ve met, you’ve never let her go. You’ve got to move on and accept the life you now have or choose a different path.”
“I know.”
“The life you had with Carrie is never coming back. You’re never getting those feelings back. And unless you’re planning on sweeping Mia off her feet, which I agree would be unwise, then you need to fully immerse yourself in the life we now lead and embrace it wholeheartedly.”
Recker agreed with everything Jones had said to him and felt he was right on the mark. He still held on to the feelings he had when he was with Carrie and always somehow wanted those feelings to return, just not at the price she paid for them.
“I’ve already taken the liberty of scouting a few other cities we could relocate to if you’re of mind,” Jones said.
The Professor pulled out a file folder from underneath a mountain of other papers and slid it along the desk for Recker to peruse. Recker, intrigued at what Jones had come up with, curiously lifted the folder and started looking at the options.
Recker read the names aloud as he looked at the list. “Baltimore, Boston, Atlanta, Dallas, Denver, Lo
s Angeles, Las Vegas, San Diego, Detroit, Houston.”
“I figured it would be wise to leave off New York since Centurion is located there and Chicago since it’s my hometown,” Jones said.
“What made these cities fit the bill?”
“Large enough to blend in, and large enough to make a difference. Though if you have other suggestions or preferences then I’m more than willing to discuss it.”
“No, these are fine.”
“So, does it mean you will agree to a move?” Jones asked.
“I’ll consider it.”
“Soon I hope.”
“I don’t want to move just yet.”
“When?”
“Let’s finish up whatever we have in the pipeline here first,” Recker said. “I know you’ve been looking at a few things.”
“So, after we clean it all up, you’ll agree to go?”
Though he still didn’t really want to leave, Recker begrudgingly agreed and nodded his head. “As long as everything here is finished up. And I guess I’d need to give Mia a proper goodbye.”
12
Recker had called Mia and asked to meet her for lunch. It’d been a couple of days since he agreed to Jones’ proposition of moving to a new city and he wanted to tell her in person he was going. He didn’t want to tell her on the phone, or through a voice mail or a text message. He wanted to see her face and look into her eyes as he told her. He wasn’t exactly sure how Mia would take the news, but he imagined she wouldn’t be too sad or devastated considering she’d found someone new. That should’ve take the sting out of it, if there was any. Recker and Jones were trying to get their last few cases squared away before Recker met Mia at the hospital.
“You know, it’s probably for the best anyway that you’re going far away from her,” Jones said.
“Why?”
“Well, her new boyfriend for one.”
“What about him?”
“Well, considering he’s met you and seen your face, and the face of The Silencer has been bandied about in the news recently, don’t you think eventually he’d put two and two together?”
“Hmm. You know I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Well think about it. Considering he’s a lawyer, even though not a criminal one, but still, at some point your picture will find its way in front of him. Even if he’s just hobnobbing it up with other lawyers or watching TV or doing research. Somehow he’ll find those pictures.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Yes, and when he does, he’ll have some very pointed questions for Mia, don’t you think?” Jones said.
“She wouldn’t tell him anything,” Recker said.
“Maybe not at first. But if their relationship progresses a year or two from now and marriage is on the horizon, you really think she’d lie to him to protect you still?”
“Good point.”
“And if he were to find out next week by chance, don’t you think it’d put her relationship in peril, with him wondering how she knows you?”
Recker raised his eyebrows and nodded, putting his hands in the air, wondering why he was still being bombarded with questions on the matter.
“David, I already said you made a good point. I got it,” Recker said.
“Well I’m just saying.”
“I know. You’re right. If the guy realizes who I am, then he also might start digging into things, might talk to the wrong person, then it would also put Mia in the crosshairs since she’d be the last known link to me.”
“What do you think you’ll say to her?” Jones asked.
“Damned if I know.”
“Well you’ve been thinking about this for several days now, surely you must’ve come up with something by this time.”
“Only thing I got so far is hi.”
“Hi. That’s it?”
“How do you come out and tell someone who saved your life and patched you up that you’re moving in a week to some place far, far, away and I can’t tell her where it is for her own protection?” Recker said.
“OK, I’ll help you out. How about this?” Jones said. “Say, Mia, the police are getting close to me and I have to move. How you like it?”
“And people think I’m the insincere one?”
“No good? How about this? Mia, the CIA is just about here to kill me so I have to go now.”
“Who says you don’t have a sense of humor?” Recker asked.
“I wasn’t aware anyone said any such thing.”
Recker just mumbled, unimpressed by any of the suggestions Jones had offered. Mia was a special person to him and he didn’t want to be blunt or coldblooded about it. He figured she’d still want to keep in touch somehow, either phone, or text, or email, all of which was OK with him, as long as it couldn’t be traced back to his location. If anyone ever did figure out she was the last link to him, they could hack into her accounts to find him.
Once Recker got to the hospital and made his way to the cafeteria, he found their usual table in the back of it and waited for her to arrive. He was a little nervous about telling her his news. Outside of Jones, she was the only person who meant anything to him. When they first met, Recker only wanted her to remain a casual acquaintance, someone he could use in emergencies. But she obviously became so much more. She became a good friend, someone he could rely on and trust. Things which didn’t come so easily to him. And he wasn’t eager to let her go.
As Mia entered the cafeteria and saw her friend sitting there waiting, she could tell by his body language something was up. He just looked different. For one, he was looking down at the table and tapping his fingers on it. She could never remember a time when Recker did that. It was the first giveaway. As she approached the table, he never even lifted his head to look at her. His mind was obviously elsewhere. Instead of sitting down across from him, Mia walked up beside him and put her hand on his shoulder.
“You OK?” she asked, keeping her tone light and pleasant.
Recker’s concentration was broken by her touch and he looked up at her and smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“OK. You look like something’s on your mind.”
“Yeah.”
Concerned with what she was about to hear, Mia walked back around the table and sat across from him.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“Nothing’s the matter per se. Just some things I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh. OK. When you asked about meeting me for lunch today it didn’t sound like just a social thing.”
Recker leaned his head forward and rubbed the side of his face as he tried to figure out how to begin. “Yeah, umm, it’s not I guess.”
Seeing as how she’d never seen him so nervous before, Mia was starting to get really concerned. “Mike, you’re starting to scare me, what is it?”
“I don’t really know how to say it.”
“Just say something.”
“David was actually giving me some ideas, and at the time they seemed totally ridiculous, but now, now maybe they weren’t so bad,” Recker said.
“Why would David need to give you ideas on what to say? This is really bad, isn’t it?”
“I guess he was right. There’s really no other way around it but to just come out and say it.”
Mia leaned forward, hardly able to take the suspense already. She put her elbows on the table and placed her hands on both sides of her temple as she braced herself for the news.
“Oh boy,” she whispered.
“I guess I’ll just say it. By the way, how’s, uhh, what’s his name doing?” Recker asked.
“Josh? He’s fine.”
“Oh. Good. Everything good with you guys so far?”
“Yeah, great, like you care. Mike, will you please tell me what you have to say before I go crazy and slap you!”
In the end, he wound up just blurting it out. “I’m leaving.”
Mia didn’t respond at first and just continued to look at him with sort of a blank stare, like
she didn’t believe what she just heard. “What?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What do you mean you’re leaving? That’s it? Leaving what? Where? When?”
“I’m leaving Philadelphia,” he said.
Mia was stunned by the news. Her mouth fell open as she took her hands off her head and leaned back in her chair. She just looked at him for a minute, unsure what to say. Recker didn’t quite know what else to say either and took turns between looking at her and glancing down at the table. Mia cleared her throat then coughed before coming up with something.
“Umm, when, uhh, you say you’re leaving, you mean, uhh...for good?”
“Yeah, probably,” Recker said.
Mia looked down at the table, not only stunned, but very disappointed in the news. “So, uhh, when did you decide this?”
“I guess a few days ago. David and I have been talking about it for a while and it just seemed like now was the time.”
“So why? Why now suddenly?” Mia asked.
“Well it’s not really sudden. There’s a lot of things which have gone into it.”
“Mike, please don’t shut me out now,” she said, pleading with him. “If you’re going away and leaving, probably for good, then please just be honest with me and tell me why. I mean, after all we’ve been through, and the things we’ve done for each other, just give me that much. Don’t give me some crappy answer which just leaves me with more questions.”
Recker looked away from her momentarily and thought about her request. Though he wasn’t planning on telling her the exact truth, he figured she was right and she had the right to know.
“I’m starting to get a lot of attention here,” Recker said.
“From who? The police? Because of those press conferences and pictures released of you?”
“Partly.”
“You’ve never really concerned yourself with the police much before.”
“I know. It’s not just them though.”
“Then what?”
“The CIA knows I’m here,” he said. “They’re coming for me. If they’re not here already.”