How could I blame her?
If it hadn’t been for my fuck up, she’d never have been nearly killed and she might not think that way. She was going to move in with me. She’d said so that very night. I just needed to give her the beastly man I could be for a week, then we’d put that whole thing behind us and be a couple.
But I’d fucked up. In the last inning, I’d lost the ball. And I’d lost her.
That spirit of adventure she’d found was gone. Poof!
Back to the quiet life, with no emotions or people who could love or hurt her. That’s where she felt the safest. And that was no one’s fault but my own.
That’s why I didn’t want to let her move into an apartment near campus. I’d lose her forever. I knew it with every fiber of my being. She would go back to the place she felt safe. It was no longer in my arms, the way it had been before I’d sent her down that hallway at the BDSM club that took her away from me entirely.
Going back into the house, I went up to our bedroom to find her and talk to her rationally. “Blyss, look, baby, I’m sorry.” I shut up as I looked around and didn’t see her in the room. She wasn’t anywhere in the suite.
I went to find mom and dad, but neither of them had seen her either. Going from room to room, we all looked for her. She had to have just been sitting alone in one of them, wanting to get away for a and have that safety of being alone.
But door after door, she was nowhere to be found, and we were at a loss. Finally, I took my cell out and called hers. It rang and rang, but she sent it to voicemail. She did that over and over, even when I called her from my parents’ cells and the house phone. She was dodging me. But where the hell could she be? I ran back up to our room and went to the closet. Her things were gone. Every bit of it was gone!
Running downstairs, I grabbed my mother. “She’s gone, Mom! How the hell is she gone? The garage!”
We all three ran to the garage to see if she’d taken any of the cars. They were all there. She couldn’t have left. Could she?
“What about a taxi, Troy?” Mom asked. “I guess she could’ve called one from town. Would she go to Stanford?”
I nodded. “That’s the only place she’d go. What the hell should I do, Mom?”
“I’d say go after her.” She guided me to sit down as I started to sway from the feeling of uneasiness and dread.
Dad moved to the other side of me, holding me up. “Son, you should give her a little time. Did you two have a disagreement of some kind?”
As my ass hit the sofa, my head dropped into my hands. “Yes, we did. She wanted to go find an apartment near campus, and I argued with her about it. I didn’t tell her that I wouldn’t take her, but I didn’t tell her I would. I wanted her to stay here, with me. I wanted her to take classes online and I’d take a leave of absence, and we’d just stay right here.”
“Well, she wanted to go, son. You can’t keep someone in a place they don’t want to be.” Dad patted my shoulder. “No wonder she left.”
Mom sighed as she took a seat next to me. “You should’ve told us about that, honey. We would’ve told you that keeping a person from doing what they want doesn’t work out. You have to let them spread their wings. I want you guys here, too. But I don’t mean for you never to go do what you want or feel you need to.”
I nodded, only partially understanding them. They had no idea what Blyss was about. Not really. She wanted her old life back, and she would never come back to me. “I’m going to go upstairs for a while. If she calls either of you back, please tell her that I love her. I love her more than she can understand. But I’ll leave her alone if I made her feel safer alone than with me.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case,” my father said as I headed out of the room.
I didn’t bother talking to him about it. He had no idea about her. He had no idea how her mind worked. I did. I knew it all too well.
When I got to my room, I laid on the bed, taking her pillow. I breathed in what reminded me of her. “Blyss, damn you. You’re taking my fucking heart with you. You don’t even realize that, do you?”
My cell rang and I hurried to answer it, not looking to see who it was. “I’m looking for Troy Masterson. Have I found him?”
“Yes, and this is?”
“My name is Juan Sandoval. I’m Maria Sandoval’s father. Do you remember my daughter’s name?”
I’d messed around with her a few years back. She was in the Navy too, and we had been in the same place at the same time for about a week. That’s about all I could recall about her. I figured something might have happened to her if her father was calling me. “Yes, sir. I remember your daughter.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. You see, she was killed in action last year. She left a daughter. Tatum turned five last month. She only wanted one thing for her birthday, Mr. Masterson.”
“I’m so sorry to hear about Maria.” I closed my eyes as I recalled her long, dark hair and chocolate eyes. She was a real beauty. “And what was it her daughter wanted?”
“First, I’d like to ask you this.”
“Yes, sir. Anything.”
“Did you love my daughter?”
I had no idea why he’d ask me such a personal thing. She and I had messed around, but no words of love had ever been exchanged. “How much did she tell you about me, if I may ask?”
“She told us a lot about you. She told us that you were a nice man. She told us you were an honorable man.”
I felt like he was leaving out something. “She was a wonderful woman, an excellent soldier, and I was proud to call her a friend, sir. She will be missed. But I have a feeling you’re leaving something out.”
“Oh, did I not mention that she also told us that you are Tatum’s father? And the only thing your daughter wanted for her fifth birthday was to meet her father.”
What the fuck!
Blyss
Tears filled my eyes the entire way to town. The cabbie was nice enough not to ask me any questions and that was appreciated. I had no idea why I’d left Troy’s home. I just had to leave. I’d found myself alone long enough to pack up my things and call a cab. But halfway down the drive, I’d wanted to get out and go back. Only I hadn’t allowed myself to do that.
Troy had called me from every number he could, but I’d sent them all to voicemail and erased all his messages without listening to them. I thought a nice, clean break would be the easiest way to go. But as I sat in a hotel room in Napa Valley, trying to decide how I wanted to get down to Stanford, I couldn’t figure out exactly why I’d left. Troy wasn’t mean to me, he didn’t cheat or lie, and I loved him. So why did I leave him?
I decided to call the therapist I’d seen once since I’d gone home with Troy. She told me she’d come right over to talk to me. Even as I waited for her to arrive, I battled myself about that. Maybe I just wouldn’t let her in when she got here. Maybe I’d leave so she couldn’t find me. All I could think about was being alone and how that felt normal to me. Nothing I’d been doing felt normal, except loving Troy. That felt completely natural. But even that took time to feel that way.
A knock at the hotel room door had me questioning whether to answer it or not. But my body wasn’t letting my head rule it. I got up without thinking and answered the door. “Hi, Sharon. Thanks for coming.” I stepped back and let her in.
She surprised me after I closed the door. I was suddenly wrapped in her arms as we swayed back and forth. “Blyss, you poor girl.” She let me go, then took my hand, pulling me over to the sofa. “I expected to see you at least once more this last week. Our initial session wasn’t deep enough to do you any good work. And now you’ve left Troy. Did he do something to you that you felt compelled to do this?”
“He, um, well, he kind of did do something. I don’t know that it warranted leaving, but I just had this flight response.” I laid back on the sofa and tried to relax, so I could get as much out as I possibly could. I had decisions to make and I felt like I had little time to make them.
>
“Okay, tell me what he did.” She sat in the chair across from me and crossed her legs, taking a pen and pad of paper out of her bag.
“I want to get a place in Stanford and go to school on campus. He wants me to take online classes and stay at his parents’ place.”
“Did you ask him to come with you to Stanford.” She posed a good question.
I had to ponder it. Had I ever asked him to come with me?
“No.”
“Do you not want him to be with you?”
“I do want him with me. I think.”
“You think? Well, that’s interesting. Don’t you think so?”
“I love Troy. I’ve never loved anyone in my entire life. But I’m out of my element. I just want to get back to how life was. This was a little vacation for me. The plan to take on a role for a few months, then I’d get back to my normal life. Alone.”
“Alone? Hmm.” I looked over and saw her writing things, then she looked at me. “Being alone in this world isn’t only bad for your psyche, but it’s dangerous too. We’re not solitary beings. We’re meant to live in packs, just like cavemen did at the beginning of time. Our minds and bodies are hardwired for making our own little packs or families.”
“But being alone is …” I searched for the word to use to explain how it made me feel when I was alone. “Safe. It’s safe. I can blend in and become nearly invisible. When I’m with Troy, I stand out. He demands attention wherever he goes. He’s just that kind of man.”
“And you don’t like attention?” She sat there with her pen poised as she waited for my answer.
“I have never liked it. And once I had it, it got my ass beaten. So, no, I don’t like attention.”
“That was an unfortunate thing that happened to you, Blyss. But it was a thing that could’ve been avoided. You took risks.”
“I agree. Life with Troy is a risk too. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.” I turned to lie on my side and drew my knees up, wrapping my arms around them.
Sharon looked me dead in the eyes. “How do you think Troy will hurt you?”
Words spilled from my mouth without giving my brain time to think. “He could stop loving me. That would hurt more than anything I’ve ever gone through.”
“Love can be scary, even to individuals who’ve experienced it before with their parents. And you haven’t had that type of love, either. But you know what they say about facing what scares you, right?” she said with care and concern.
I nodded. She was right. I knew I was running from fear, and that’s never a good thing. But I was far from ready to make any real commitments to Troy. But I didn’t want to leave him.
“I should give him a call. I should tell him that I want to go to school on campus. I get more out of it that way. But I should give him the choice to come with me or not. I didn’t mean to hurt him, and I know I have.” I looked at my therapist with tears in my eyes. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he thinks I’m too messed up?”
“He’s well aware of what all you’ve been through and he loves you, despite it all. I think you can trust in the love he has for you and it being long-lasting, Blyss. But even if something happens and that love is lost, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. People go on after a love they thought would last forever ends. It happens. People get over it. But it leaves you with the experience, and that’s a good thing. It makes us more well-rounded.”
She was making sense. “You’re right. So, I should give him a call, tell him what I really want to do, and see if he wants to come with me, right?”
“I don’t know why you’re asking me that question. Aren’t you an adult?” She smiled and winked at me as she got up. “I’m going to leave you with that thought. If you do go to Stanford, give me a call. I can refer you to a colleague of mine who practices there. That way I can share what you and I have worked on, helping you to get past that initial consultation stage.”
I hopped up and walked her to the door. She surprised me with another hug, and I hugged her back. “Thank you, Sharon. You’re pretty great. I hope I can be as helpful as you are one day.”
“You’ll be a fine psychologist, Blyss. It’s always good to seek help when you need it, even if you have tons of education about such things. When looking at others, it’s much easier to pinpoint their needs. It’s harder to do that for ourselves.”
“I can see that. I’ll be in touch.”
Closing the door behind her, I leaned back on it. Did I really want to go to college on campus, or was that just a way to escape back into solitude?
There were decisions to make. So many of them. And I was trying to rush things. I needed to take a step back and evaluate everything. I needed to take my time and calm the hell down. I had just been through a very traumatic event, after all. Now was not the time to make big decisions. Troy was right about that. He was trying to protect me and help me get better, both physically and mentally. And for his help and concern, I ran off.
What a bitch move!
Taking my cell out of my pocket, I made the call to him. I had to fix my mess, and I prayed Troy was still willing to help a fool like me.
Troy
“What do you mean, I’m some girl’s father and she wants to see me? I can’t be her father. Maria and I messed around.” I stopped myself as I thought about the fact that this was her father I was talking to. “We dated for only a week. How could I be her kid’s father?”
Mr. Sandoval’s tone was stern, “I shouldn’t have to explain the facts of life to you. You should be well aware of how things work in that department.”
“I know how that all works. I just don’t know why she wouldn’t have told me about being pregnant. Do you know why she would keep the kid a secret, sir?”
“She didn’t want to burden you, is what she told us. Her mother and I have taken care of Tatum this last year, after her mother’s death. She’s always lived with us. This little girl is more than just special to us, Mr. Masterson. She is all we have left of our daughter. I don’t want to give her up. I won’t give her up. But she wants to know you, her father, and I don’t want to deny her that.”
“Sir, with all due respect, isn’t she better off not knowing me? If you want to keep her, won’t that interfere with her and I making any kind of a real bond? And where is it that you live anyway?”
“Santa Ana is where we live. And I’ve thought the very same things you have. We’ve talked to her a lot about how she’d have to go for a night or two because of the distance. We know you reside at the base in San Diego. Maria has kept tabs on you. Your family owns a winery in Napa Valley too. With Maria’s death, we’ve lost track of you, have there been any major changes in your life since then?”
“Such as?” I felt he was getting at something. The man spoke on the evasive side, it seemed.
“Maria told us that you were a man who dated many women. In my culture, we call that a mujeriego—a womanizer. And that’s not the kind of man I want in Tatum’s life. I’d rather tell her that her father was also killed in action if that’s the case. So, is that the case, Mr. Masterson?”
Was I still that kind of man? I knew I had been, right up until I fell for Blyss. But if Blyss was truly gone, would I go back to that lifestyle?
Weighing my true feelings, I knew I was committed to Blyss. I had tons of hope she’d come back soon. I knew she’d miss me. “No, I’m no longer that man, sir.”
“That’s good to hear. I have one more thing I’d like to know. You see, if you are a single man, I see no reason to bring this little girl into that kind of life. I want her to have a couple she can come to know as her family too. If you’re an unmarried man, I won’t take this any further.”
“Unmarried?” I asked as I shook my head. Who did this guy think he was? “Look, Mr. Sandoval, if this kid is mine, you damn well better know that I could take her if I wanted to, no matter what the circumstances are. I have more money than most to get the best lawyers. Maria never gave me the slighte
st clue that I had a kid. That’s got to be illegal.”
“We’ll leave the country with her, and you’ll never find us. I have connections that could help us do just that. We’re aware of your great wealth, Mr. Masterson. We’ve always been prepared to hide her if that became necessary. Like I said before, we love her, and we’ll do anything for her. That includes giving her the father she’s asking for, but only if you are a man I feel can love her the way only a father can. If you haven’t even gotten married yet, and you’re already in your thirties, then I know you aren’t the right kind of man to be in her life. Don’t think you can push me around. You cannot!”
The wheels in my head were turning. I had a daughter!
Did I want one? Was I ready to be there for a child? Did I have a choice?
If the kid was mine, I owed it to her to give her the life she could have as my child. How could I deny my own blood what was truly hers? How could I live with myself, knowing there was a little girl who wanted her daddy and that’s all she asked for on her birthday, no less, but I had refused her?
The answer was plain and simple. I couldn’t. “I’m married, Mr. Sandoval. My wife and I have been together for less than a year. We live in Napa Valley now, at my family home. I’d love nothing more than for you and your wife to bring Tatum here. But first, I want a DNA test done to be sure. I see no reason for me or this child to begin a relationship until it’s certain that I am her father.”
“That’s already been done. Maria took a sample of your …how do I say this tactfully? Hell, I’m just going to say it …semen. She got some of it from a condom she had a friend of hers use when she was with you when Tatum was two. I’m sure you were never told about that little incident.”
“Damn!” I was shocked at the measures Maria had taken—everything but telling me I might be the father of her kid. “You know, she could’ve told me, right? I would’ve done the right thing.”
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