by Peter Styles
“Hey.”
Startled, Greg jumped and looked to see Ben hovering in the entrance of the kitchen.
“You scared me, sorry.”
“No, I didn’t mean to—” They were talking over each other now, bumbling out an apology that neither of them meant. Both were too preoccupied with the almost-kiss.
Ben cleared his throat. “I need to go, actually. My boss wants me to come in before opening so I should probably get home and squeeze that nap in before class.”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll let you know if I hear from Jewel.”
Ben didn’t look at him again. His eyes were darting around the kitchen, looking at anything except Greg. He nodded without replying and took a step backward. It was funny in a way, Greg mused, seeing Ben uncomfortable and awkward. He had never seen him in this way. Greg hoped he hadn’t caused Ben’s discomfort.
“See you later,” Ben said gruffly, and turned around.
A few seconds later, the front door closed quietly and Greg stood there in the silence of the empty apartment. Out of all the scenarios that he could have imagined unfolding, Ben almost kissing him hadn’t been one of them.
Trailing out of the kitchen, he stopped in front of his painting supplies, staring blankly at them. Almost kissing Ben had made one thing very clear. He couldn’t keep seeing Wayne. Ben, with his uncanny knack at reading people, had guessed correctly.
Wayne was a nice guy but wasn’t Greg’s type. Was it that he tended to talk only about himself? Was it that he seemed fine with someone getting fired for something that wasn’t their fault? Ultimately, did it matter? When Wayne had kissed him, Greg hadn’t felt anything.
And he had thought of Ben.
In the kitchen just now, when Ben was about to kiss him, Greg had felt it stronger than he had felt Wayne’s kiss. There hadn’t been any physical touching at all, yet there might as well have been from the way it had made him feel.
When had things gotten turned so upside down? Jewel with Stephen, his own brother furious with him, and now his blossoming feelings for Ben.
“Should have stayed in the city,” he mumbled.
*
Greg wasn’t good at breaking things off with people. One would think after his time with casual flings that he would have improved with it. But that wasn’t the case.
Normally, after two dates, Greg would have waited until Wayne called him to set up a new date and nicely say that it wasn’t working out—the ‘not you, it’s me’ speech—and be on with his day.
That had been his original plan. But like everything lately, it veered off the tracks that afternoon.
After Greg had finished work for the day, he had opted to stop and grab a coffee before heading over to Nicki’s. That was when he spotted Wayne, waiting for his own coffee and looking down at his phone. Greg tried to plan a quick escape but, as if sensing him, Wayne looked up and caught his eye.
He wondered if his thoughts were running across his face like a neon sign: I think I’m falling for my best friend’s brother. I know what you’re thinking—you never even really liked the guy before, right? And it isn’t just because he is hot now. No, there’s something there. Some connection I can’t explain. He was going to kiss me and I was going to let him.
Instead he went, “Hey!”
Wayne smiled, “Hey, funny running into you here.”
“Yeah, I finished work. Wanted to get a coffee before I went to see my mom,” Greg replied, wishing he was anywhere else.
“Work? Oh, right. Painting thing.”
This wasn’t the first time Wayne had referred to his job as a ‘thing’, only this time it annoyed Greg. He swallowed back a hostile reply and forced a smile on his face, going, “What about you?”
“On a break. Yeah, long day so far…” Wayne launched into a detailed explanation of his day.
Greg stood there helplessly, trying to figure a way to get out of this while not being rude. He hadn’t even gotten to order his coffee yet, which meant he just stood there and listened as Wayne went on about his day. He had never asked Greg about how his day was going, now that he was thinking about it—only ever talked about his own.
“Anyway, there’s this movie coming out this weekend I wanted to see. I was thinking we could go together. What do you think?” Wayne was saying, forcing Greg to pay attention.
“I’m busy this weekend,” Greg said quickly, before squeezing by him. “Sorry, really need some caffeine.” He was probably going to have to bail if Wayne pushed the subject and he at least wanted his coffee.
Ordering his drink, Wayne kept going. “Busy with what? I mean, you have enough time for a movie at least?”
Greg glanced over his shoulder. “I have to work. And I’m going to be at my mother’s.”
“Working? But you can work any time, right?”
Okay, now he was annoyed. His pet peeve was people refusing to understand what he did for work, his method to it, or thinking that he could just change his schedule on someone else’s whim. Paying for the coffee, he went over to the other counter, drumming his fingers against the countertop as he waited. He didn’t want to be an asshole to Wayne, especially in public.
Wayne stared at him expectantly, waiting for his reply. Greg thought of their kiss, passionless and distant, and steeled himself.
“Wayne, look, you’re a nice guy. But I have a lot going on right now and I don’t think that it is going to work out between us.”
He didn’t catch his immediate reaction because his coffee was given to him at that moment. Greg thanked the barista and inched away from the counter, not wanting to have this discussion right in front of the other people waiting for their coffee.
Wayne’s eyes had narrowed and his lips were pursed. He looked angry, something which took Greg aback. It had only been two dates, after all, not like they were serious in any sort of capacity.
“Are you serious?” he asked.
They had moved into a corner of the store. Wayne gripped his coffee, his stormy eyes looking at him in a way that made Greg wish he had found a way to put this off until later.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. It isn’t to do with you. Like I said, I have so much going on with my mother and just settling back in here. I don’t think I can date right now.”
“What a load of shit,” Wayne scoffed.
Greg blinked, “Excuse me?”
“Who are you seeing instead? Was it that tall jerk that came into the shop on our first date?”
“What?” Greg asked, thrown. “Ben?”
“I saw the way he looked at you. I should have known. Thanks for wasting my time, asshole.” His wasbvoice raised, drawing attention to them. “How about instead of leading people on like this you just hook up with that—that giant?!”
He let out a disgusted noise and spun around, storming out of the coffee shop. People were staring at him now, making Greg feel exposed. He forced himself to count to ten before leaving the store in a hurry, eager to get away from the place and to his mom’s.
*
To his relief, Mark wasn’t at his mother’s house. Greg didn’t feel like dealing with him, not today, not with everything going on. Wayne’s words were still echoing in his head. Had it really been that obvious about Ben, even then? True, yes, Greg had found him attractive instantly, but that had been it.
Making sure there were no calls from Jewel, he made his way upstairs to check on his mother. Since the hospital, she had grown frailer and didn’t leave her bed as much. Even today, she was propped against the pillows, her pale hair spilling out across the bed as she turned to look at him.
“Greg,” she whispered, smiling.
He sat down in the chair next to the bed and took hold of her hand. “Hey, Mom. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine. Your brother was here this morning.”
“How was he?”
“He was fine. He was talking to Ben.”
Greg tried to keep his voice casual. “Ben was here?”
Nicki’s brow fu
rrowed. “What were we talking about?”
“Ben.”
“He was here, yeah. Talked to Mark a little. I can’t…” She frowned. “Can’t remember what about.”
“Probably about Jewel. There’s some stuff going on with her.”
His mother squeezed his hand. “Have you told her yet? How you feel?”
“Mom, I told you. I’m not in love with Jewel.” Although I think I’m falling hard for her brother.
“Such a shame. You should be settling down with someone. Be happy.”
Desperate to veer away from this conversation, he asked, “Did you talk to Ben?”
Nicki nodded. “Yes, he came to see how I was feeling. He’s a nice boy. Very tall.” She yawned, leaning back in bed. “I don’t see you hanging out with Mark a lot since you moved back.”
“Yeah. Things are still… sort of messy.”
“Is it about your father?” Nicki asked and for once her eyes weren’t glassy but present and oddly focused. “I’m not stupid, Greg. I know you two fight over his death. Are you going to do that forever? You’re family.”
“I don’t think Mark believes that anymore.”
“When I’m gone, you two will only have each other. This fight about your father— neither one of you are to blame. I hope one day you will realize that.”
“Yeah. Me too,” he replied glumly, trying not to let his brother’s anger weigh on him.
Nicki smiled wanly, but she looked tired. There was something different about his mother since the hospital visit, like at any moment she would fade away. Pale and thin, tired and drained, Greg could only watch as his mother drifted away from him. She was right—when she was gone, Greg would only have Mark. He wasn’t ready for that. He suddenly felt bitter regret at having left town, at running away to the city, trying to hide his feelings among the millions who lived there, carving out a life that had nothing to do with his family back in town.
“I’m going to let you get some sleep,” he said, instead of voicing his thoughts.
Nicki nodded, her eyes already closing as he stood up. Greg watched her fall asleep. Had he taken too long in coming here? He thought he would have time to rectify the past and be with Nicki. But as he looked at his mother, he knew that her time was fleeting. For reasons he couldn’t explain, it felt like he was saying goodbye. A silly notion, one Mark would chastise him for having.
Greg left, trying to ignore the ache in his chest, closing the door behind him.
Chapter Twelve
For the first time in his life, Greg didn’t want to see Jewel. When he saw her car parked outside their apartment that night, he let out a deep sigh. After today, the only thing he felt like doing was curling up in bed and trying to get some sleep.
He glanced at his phone. Nothing from Ben. What if he never heard from him again? He realized just how little he knew about Ben’s personal life. If he had never done anything with a man before, he was probably hiding out, second guessing himself and how they had almost kissed. But Greg had no clue. For all he knew, Ben could be gay and just not vocal about it, like he was. His head had been running in circles all day, giving him a headache.
As he trudged toward the apartment, he hoped that Stephen wasn’t with her. That would make things a little easier. Unlocking the front door, he stepped into the living room and looked around. Muffled music was playing from Jewel’s room. Normally, he would go to her instantly, ask about her day—maybe even try to bring up Ben casually.
Tonight, however, he was eager to shower and get into his room. Naturally, of course, this was when Jewel opened her bedroom door and saw him in the hallway.
“Greg. You’re home.”
“Yup,” he mumbled, creeping toward the bathroom—was it just him or had he spent today trying to get out of conversations he didn’t want?
“Stephen isn’t here. I was hoping we could talk.”
“About what? I’ve had sort of a… weird day, honestly. Maybe we should just wait.”
“Oh. Uh, do you want to talk about it?” Jewel asked, clearly trying to start a discourse.
Greg hovered by the bathroom door, unsure what to say. Well, your brother and I almost kissed earlier. Actually, the only reason that we didn’t is because his phone rang. Otherwise, we definitely would have kissed. I dumped Wayne. It was awkward. My Mom is fading away and I can’t do anything to stop it and I’m terrified that I took too long in coming back here. Also, I still hate Stephen.
Instead, he replied, “I’m actually pretty tired.”
Jewel took a step forward. “Greg, listen. Earlier, when I freaked out on you, I was angry at Ben. You know, he never listens. He always thinks that he knows better. Like, I have parents. I don’t need my brother giving me a lecture about my life when he basically doesn’t let me know anything going on in his. But I took it out on you. Sorry.” She paused. “I’m saying that so much to you lately. I don’t know how things got so fucked up.”
She ran her fingers through her hair just like Ben did. The gesture made Greg think of him, his fingers curling around his beer, his eyes looking at him as he leaned over.
Maybe it was because he had almost kissed Ben, but he didn’t have the energy to be angry with Jewel tonight. Falling for Ben was a bad idea, just like going back to Stephen was. He was still angry about the hospital but felt too tired to yell at her.
“Stephen isn’t here?”
“Ah, no. He went home tonight. It’s a little trickier to see him since he moved forty minutes away.”
“And you aren’t worried? About him straying when he lives out of town?” Greg asked, too tired to care if she got angry.
Jewel opened her mouth and closed it, looking lost.
“I’m not trying to attack you. Ben only yelled because he was worried. So am I. We remember how he treated you and what he was like.”
“He’s different now.” But the words were hollow, like she wasn’t quite convinced either.
“Well, I’ll trust your judgement, but you can’t get angry at us for being worried.”
She was wringing her hands again and sighed. “Greg, I don’t want this to change us. I feel like we moved in together and now things are getting messy. And it’s my fault—I know that. But I want to fix things. I mean, for God’s sake, you’ve probably been talking to Ben more than me! What sort of weird alternate universe is that?” she said, with a laugh.
Ben’s eyes, deep and fathomless, the tension building between them. His hoarse words: And when he kisses you, he doesn’t do it the way you need to be kissed. Greg flinched, retreating a step farther into the bathroom.
“Well, Ben isn’t exactly like he was when we were kids, is he?” he replied, hoping his tone was casual.
“Sure, he just keeps to himself more than ever. I have no idea what he goes through daily or anything. I don’t know—does it matter? I don’t care about Ben being weird. I care about our friendship.”
“Right. Me too.” And he meant it. “Things are messy right now. Just—the secrets, Jewel. Not telling me about my mother. It isn’t something I will automatically get over. As for Stephen, you know I’ll be here no matter what happens. Even if you get angry at me.”
Jewel relaxed slightly, looking relieved at his words. “Okay. I’ll let you shower and get some sleep. We’ll talk later, okay?”
He nodded, watching her head back into her room. Once the bathroom door closed, he let out a small sigh and pulled out his phone. Still nothing from Ben. He shouldn’t be dwelling, shouldn’t be letting himself get this caught up over something that could have happened.
But as Greg stepped into the shower, he couldn’t shake the thought of him away.
*
He woke up in a cold sweat later that night. His t-shirt clung to him as if he had been running a marathon. There was a ringing in his head, a pleading, beeping noise that rattled around in his skull as he shook off his dream and looked around.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize that it was his phone going off.
Groggily, he reached over and looked at it. His bedside clock said one in the morning. Dimly, he wondered if it could be Ben.
But Mark’s name was flashing on his screen. Greg’s throat went dry and he found himself unable to answer.
He knew why his brother was calling. Somehow, he just knew.
*
The antiseptic smell of the hospital seemed to be the only thing that Greg could focus on. His head was filled with a buzzing that hadn’t lessened since Mark had called him and told him about their mother.
Mom. The thought of her sent a pain through his heart so strong he almost doubled over. Closing his eyes tightly, he tried to wrap his head around the fact that she was gone.
Earlier, he had gotten that strange sense of her saying goodbye. But Greg hadn’t actually thought she would pass away so quickly after seeing her. It didn’t make sense. It felt like it happened too quickly even though she had been sick for so long.
The waiting room was silent. Greg forced himself to open his eyes. Mark sat across from him, tracing lines in the carpet with the toe of his boot. Bethany was next to him, her face tear stained and her hair messy. Catherine paced the small space. They were waiting for the doctor to return so Greg and Mark could sign off the paperwork. The entire thing felt too formal for his liking. Signing off on what? His mother’s… body.
Catherine had found her. She had gotten up to use the bathroom and decided to check on Nicki. The doctors had said it was a brain aneurysm, that there was nothing that Catherine could have done. But Greg knew that she would be silently blaming herself, going over the night and figuring out what she could have done differently. He knew that feeling.
*
Time felt different; it had no flow or proper meaning. When their dad had died, Greg was in the hospital, coming in and out of consciousness. The hours after his father’s death were lost to him, something that Nicki had gone through by herself. The drunk driver had died as well and there was a hub of activity that Greg had mercifully slept through.