Breaking Lucas (Trinity series Book 2)

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  Folding my hands across my chest, I didn’t try to understand why he would be.

  He was the one who abandoned me, after all.

  What did he have to be afraid of?

  “It’s—it’s alright. It’s okay. Can I have a moment?”

  Her brown eyes searched mine delicately, searching for something she wouldn’t find. I had learned early on after the divorce that the worst thing you could see in a loved one’s eyes was pity.

  Elsa nodded, her eyes gentle as she looked at me.

  “Does anyone want pie?”

  That was frankly all she had to say before everyone, Asher, Ben, Colby, and Garrett were rushing toward the stairs. She gave me a gentle smile, as if she knew just how hard these next moments would be for me.

  As the door clicked shut behind her, I tensed every muscle in my body, then slowly released them.

  I could do this.

  Lucas stood there, fists clenched tight at his sides, chest heaving up and down as he breathed heavily like I was, and just looked at me. Those always penetrating eyes looked at me and I knew he saw my fear, my pain, my anger. He must have been able to see everything.

  I wanted to feel nothing. To be ice to his fire. To be calm in the face of his always present intensity. I closed my eyes as I hopelessly tried to stop my body’s reaction to him. The way my breaths were coming out in shallow pants, my chest moving up and down heavily in an effort to keep up with my crazily racing heart. No one had ever made me feel like Lucas had. It was a fact I both hated and yearned for.

  My eyes dropped from his unwavering greens to settle on the tightening of his hands, then I watched as he slowly released them.

  God. His hands.

  His touch was like an elusive pull in the air, an essence that surrounded the space between us and around us, that oh so familiar pull of attraction urging me to give in to temptation. If I reached out, I knew I would find his skin hot and fevered, just like mine. Suddenly the room felt drained of oxygen, my mouth parted in order to suck in a breath of air that I hoped would somehow dissipate the growing desire that pooled heavy in my belly.

  My chest was heaving as if I’d just run a marathon and I felt the blush warm my cheeks when my eyes landed on the hood of his jeans, arched upward from his arousal.

  How could he still affect me this way?

  But he had, and he did.

  I wanted him, in every meaning of the word and that had to be the worst of all because he should be nothing. Absolutely nothing. The man had abandoned his family, his entire life and yet here I was, six years later with my chest filled with something that felt a whole lot like hope.

  God, I was so stupid.

  “Lucas.” The word fell from my mouth without my allowing it, and I inwardly cringed at the hoarseness I could hear in my voice, the emotions bombarding me evident in the tone.

  I watched as his entire demeanor changed at the sound of my voice, his face going from stoic to slack, his hands now loosening and his forehead creasing with the detectable emotion that radiated off him in waves.

  A mask of regret covered his face, his eyes pulling me in to their depths with the force of it.

  He took a step forward, eliminating space between us, causing my heart rate to go through the roof at the thought of being this close to him once again.

  What am I doing?

  I should be out of this house already, flipping him off for even trying to talk to me after everything he did. I should be cursing him a world of misery. I should be demanding answers from him right now.

  But what am I doing?

  I was frozen where I stood, my eyes devouring him all the while.

  “Kaelyn.”

  I can’t do this. I can’t do this right now.

  His voice came to my ears in a rush, raw and uneven and filled with something I wished to God I could ignore. He could have whispered my name and I still would have heard the anguished regret that lived inside of him. I had known him half of my life. I knew without a doubt what I heard between the cracks in his voice. I heard it, but more than that; I felt it in every beat of my heart.

  I had to force myself to take in a breath against the onslaught of memories that I saw beneath my eyelids, the same whispers I hear in his ragged, disjointed voice. A shiver ran up my spine as I felt the space between us become less and less as he approached me.

  God, he cannot do this. He can’t do this to me right now.

  “W-why?” I forced out the one word that encompassed all the questions I could ask him at that moment. I blinked through the moisture that gathered in my eyes, looked into his eyes that I wished to God didn’t make my stomach flip and my skin raise with awareness. Lucas looked down at me tensely, his mouth parted fractionally as if he was searching for an answer just as much as I was.

  “Sweetheart-“

  He paused, his eyes falling shut and his head dropping to his chest as his emotions smothered the mask he was trying so hard to keep in place.

  We had always been horrible at hiding our emotions from one another.

  “I had to, baby.”

  My whole entire being shook with tremors that were just a hint of the pain I knew whispered through my veins and emanated within my heart. As if on instinct, Lucas’ hand reached out to join with mine and a low pain filled sound left me as my head dropped down and the agony rocked me. His touch radiated through my skin like a spark, the piercing desire to be closer making it almost impossible for me to remember why I should be staying away. If I had thought it hurt me to think of him before, I was so very wrong. My muscles tensed when he grasped my other hand and stepped fractionally closer.

  I retreated from him slowly, my body and my head struggling for the right thing to do.

  My body screamed for me to step closer.

  My heart warned me to escape.

  But my head?

  It begged me to remember.

  My back hit the exposed brick wall with a sharp thud, all the while Lucas approached me tentatively yet still too quickly for me to escape.

  “Don’t—Fuck, please don’t run away from me. You were everything to me, Kaelyn. Can’t you understand that? Everything.”

  He stopped only a breath away, his head tilted down so our eyes were forced to meet. He looked at me for so long with those haunted, liquid eyes that I had to close my own to stop the tears that threatened to spill at the sight of his own hurt.

  How could he show me his pain when he was the one to cause mine?

  I felt a warm, strong hold upon my hips and I didn’t need to open my eyes to see who had such an unmistakable hold on me.

  It was him.

  Lucas.

  Mine. That’s what I used to call him. And now?

  He still was.

  Mine. But now, he was also my pain. My torture. My reminder of the man that broke not only my heart, but my hope for the future.

  He was my own little slice of hell and a precious memory that I knew without a doubt I would always cherish.

  “Can I ask you one thing?” I asked, not daring to allow my eyes to open and see that same soul shattering pain I felt within myself every minute of every day and within my every heartbeat.

  Lucas’ hold tightened just enough for me to know he had nodded.

  “Was there someone else?”

  I whispered the one fear I had lived with ever since he’d left us, the one reason I had come to when he hadn’t given me a reason even after our divorce papers were signed and notarized.

  My eyes, swollen from the force of keeping them tightly closed opened to see him on his knees before me, his head dropped down in defeat.

  “You were and always will be mine, Kel. Mine.”

  My head whipped down to meet his eyes at his raw words and those very tears I had tried to force down clouded my vision. The cracks in my armor, the ice I held so very dear to me broke apart at seeing my once strong and unwavering husband kneeling before me and a soul rocki
ng sob fell from my parted mouth.

  “L-Lucas.”

  His hand came up to mine and gently, he turned over my palm as one of his fingers traced the lines of my wedding and engagement rings still planted on my left hand. I never took them off.

  “No matter how hard I tried, I could never let go of it. It was your mother’s.”

  I don’t know, I really don’t, whether he pulled me down to his lap or I fell into his waiting arms, but before I knew it, I was smothered in him. Lucas’ arms, strong yet gentle as they always were, locked around me in a vise grip and my hands reached up to touch his undeniably beautiful face, my fingers tracing each line, each crevice I found there. His skin felt just as smooth as I remembered underneath my touch and though I knew I should be running from him; I begged him with my eyes not to let go.

  He didn’t.

  I reached up and tangled urgent fingers into the collar of his shirt, my chest pressing to his. Lucas grasped the sides of my face with shaking hands and I gasped, holding my breath knowing he would kiss me. In that moment I didn’t give a damn if I should be running away because the need within me was driving my actions and the longing that had lain dormant in my chest was awakened again. He must’ve seen something in my eyes because he smiled sadly and his forehead pressed to mine.

  We stayed like that for the longest time and the concept of time ceased to exist for us.

  It was only when he slowly released his arms from me that my mind caught up with my heart and the memories assaulted me.

  The letter.

  The ring.

  The agony.

  Lily.

  “You, you fucking bastard, you left us.”

  Venom dripped from my words, anger slicing through the warmth surrounding us.

  His green eyes widened and then filled with shame and he nodded, never taking those eyes from my face.

  “I had to, Sweetheart.”

  I can’t, Sweetheart.

  I can’t stay . . .

  The oh so familiar darkness began to smother me as I frantically searched for answers within his unreadable eyes. I saw when his shutters fell and he effectively shut me out.

  As the agony hit my chest with the force of nothing I had ever experienced, it felt as if he was doing it all over again but this time, I’d know what living without him meant. Taking a fortifying breath, I gathered my strength and turned towards the door. I knew without a doubt that this time, he wouldn’t stop me. As my hand lay across the doorknob, I could still feel his presence behind me, urging me to stay.

  “You didn’t have to Lucas, you chose to.”

  My eyes were cast downward as I gathered my things and said a quick goodbye to Elsa and Mr. Jones, making sure to hold on a little bit longer to each. Though all I could think about was getting out of there before I let Lucas see just how torn apart I felt after seeing him again, I still made a promise to myself to visit his parents more. They loved the girls so very much.

  A chill ran up my back just then, as if my body was getting ready for a fight.

  I turned my head towards the door of the house behind us and instantly, I regretted it.

  Lucas stood there, in every delectable inch of the man I once couldn’t fathom my life without.

  Now I didn’t even know him.

  Did I?

  My mind screamed at me for answers and I closed my eyes tightly to escape them. Turning quickly away, I was tugged away from his vicinity and toward the lawn where we had parked.

  Meghan clasped my shoulders as we neared the jeep and we caught each others gazes over the hood.

  “You okay?” She asked, thankfully her voice quiet enough so the man leaning casually against the front door only steps away couldn’t hear her checking up on me.

  Damn him, I thought to myself.

  Damn him for showing up after six fucking years and wanting me to listen to what he had to say.

  I wanted him to be nothing.

  But somehow, deep in my heart I knew that he never could be.

  I saw Meghan starting the car, her glare solely on the man still watching us from the doorway, surely killing him with the look she was giving him.

  If looks could kill, you’d be dead.

  “Good?” Meghan whispered, worry evident in her gaze. I nodded.

  We hit the road only a minute later, the wind whipping through my loosened hair and God, it was a relief to be able to breathe again.

  I had been so stupid to think I had been OK seeing that man again.

  Seeing him, in the flesh, the raw, open, no holds barred flesh—it was devastating. It scared me so much it almost hurt to imagine seeing him again. Yet, my chest ached with a yearning for just that.

  “What the hell was he thinking just showing up there?”

  “Meg- seriously, it’s OK . . .”

  “No.” Her eyes slanted over mine across the arm rests between us and her eyebrows lowered, letting me know just how angry she was. The girl was the kindest person I knew, besides my sister, who I would always hold over anybody else. She took selflessness to new heights. But Meghan?

  She was protective to a fault and I loved her for it.

  “He had no right, Kel. After everything that asshole put you through and he just shows up at a family dinner and expects you to talk to him?”

  “It was a long time coming. He’s been gone all this time, God knows where and when he found out about his dad, he must have decided to come home.”

  Her mouth opened in shock as the jeep moved with the traffic, in and out of the lanes in order to avoid what could only be described as an old fashioned traffic jam.

  “His father?”

  “Oh, yeah. Elsa told me over the phone that he finally retired from the air force. He’ll be home for good now.”

  She nodded, her head tilting to the side before her eyes returned to the road and I took that as her response.

  She may have been angry with Lucas, but she’d always loved Elsa like her own mother.

  We pulled up in the driveway close to ten minutes later and as I moved to get out of the car, my vision blurred.

  “You okay?” Meghan took hold of my hand and I nodded, feeling more fatigued than I realized.

  “Just tired, I think.”

  My butt hit the mattress with a thud, my shoulders and back aching from chasing Lily around the house at least three times before I could get her into her Ninja Turtles pj’s. Every time I would get one item of clothing on her, she would throw it to the ground and run away from me.

  A smile graced my lips as I thought about how similar she was to the very man that would crowd my thoughts tonight. Her demeanor, stoic and serious yet genuine and so very in-tune with her emotions, even for her young age. Lucas could hide from his problems until the world stopped turning, but there never came a time that he didn’t know what he felt and what he would do about it. He was always weighing his options, driven to make the best decisions in his life.

  I used to wonder if that was his flaw, not being able to just let things happen some of the time.

  Maybe that was why it hurt even more, knowing how much he must have thought about his choice in the end of our marriage. I knew without a doubt he had to have a reason for that choice.

  My head hit my palms.

  He chose to let me go.

  That was the heart breaking truth I tried not to let settle too much in my mind.

  Yet as I sat there, the memories came flooding to me and the adrenaline rush of seeing him again took a toll on me.

  “Hey,” Meghan’s voice hit my ears, but I hardly heard her.

  Instead, all I heard was one haunting voice.

  I can’t stay, sweetheart.

  I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay.

  I had to, baby.

  “Hey, hey look at me.”

  I blinked my eyes open to see my best friend kneeling in front of me, concern etched on her face.

  “Sorry, I thin
k today . . . It’s overwhelming.”

  Nodding, she gently pushed me back to crawl underneath the covers, and turned the TV on low for me.

  “I’ll order in, what do you feel like?”

  “Uh, we just had dinner.”

  Giving me a pointed look, I knew she saw right through me.

  “And you hardly ate.”

  “Uh, Thai?”

  Nodding, she patted my hand before turning away.

  “Meg?”

  “Hmm?”

  Turning, her violet and blue eyes met my brown eyes, haunted and a bit tired. Hers were concerned and soft with the understanding I felt so thankful for.

  “Thank you, for everything.”

  “You’re my person,” she says, shrugging her shoulders lightly.

  As if that answer alone will show what she does for me.

  Yet, I know just how she feels.

  When you click with someone on every level, you can talk about anything. You are connected to that person and if you cannot trust that person, then who?

  That’s how my and Meghan’s friendship had always been.

  She was my sister and we would always have each others back, even if we weren’t technically family.

  I wanted to run to my bestie then and give her the biggest of hugs. But frankly, I was just too damn tired to do that. So I nodded, and let her go do her thing. I would surely think of a way to repay her soon.

  Past

  I closed the door to the en-suite bathroom of the hotel with a light click, my heart beating way too fast for me to wonder if it was a tad bit loud.

  My breath was shallow as I took a look at myself in the mirror and let my braids out. The loosening of the arrangement that was my hair all night is phenomenally relieving, and I can’t stifle the moan of utter relief that came from my parted mouth.

  “Sweetheart, you better get out of there and stop making sounds like that. I am this close to ripping that gorgeous dress off you.”

  The rumbling voice of my husband was heard through the door and caused goosebumps and the most delicious vibrations to center inside my belly. At least, I thought it was him that caused it.