“I-I could have loved you through it,” I whispered.
He nodded, a mask of fear and determination covering his face.
“I can’t risk losing the moments we will share, Kaelyn. I can’t risk losing you forever. I’m so sorry I didn’t see this sooner, but I see it now. You would have loved me through it.”
I nodded, stepping away from him as the sadness and the anger within me reached its peak.
I just couldn’t stay in his presence for one more moment.
I needed to get away from him if I had a chance of coming to terms with it all.
“You’re running,” he whispered, his hands reaching for me as I neared the bedroom door at my back.
I nodded, though I hated it.
“I don’t want to run.”
His hands captured one of mine and his hold, fierce and unwavering, held me captive.
I wanted to stay there forever.
“Then stay.”
I shook my head again, not being able to do much else.
“I-I can’t. I need . . . time. I can’t make sense of all of this, I don’t know if I ever can. When you left, it hurt me. But knowing that you deceived me like this, it shatters me. Just, please, give me time.”
His eyes fell shut in what I thought was defeat and he nodded, not allowing me to slip away from him just yet.
I squeezed his hand in mine once more, my heart painfully torn between my need to go to him and the agony that being in his presence right now was giving me.
As I pulled away from him, I heard him whisper my name.
My hand landed upon the knob of my bedroom, but something deep inside of me wouldn’t let me open it and therefore, shut him out.
Turning just enough to meet his desperate stare, my voice cracked as I spoke.
“W-will you stay?”
Nodding, Lucas pressed one big, tanned hand across his chest to capture the ring that lay against it.
“As long as you need, Sweetheart.”
I felt bone tired as I lowered myself into the warm bath I had drawn, needing something to soothe the pain in my heart and the strain in my muscles after a long day’s work. The heat of the bath water soothed me instantly, my limbs relaxing and my head falling gently to the lip of the tub to rest there. My eyes closed and moisture slipped from underneath them as I remembered Lucas’ desperate stare, his firm hold, his words, and the choice I was now faced with.
I had thought that love was easy when I was young, but I knew that wasn’t true. Love was the most gruesome yet most rewarding thing found in my life and I knew I had that with him. It had always been him.
I exhaled roughly, the hum of anger still potent underneath my skin from the night’s events. I hated it.
All of it.
Every night I had been kept from his side and every night he had lost yet another moment to share with Lily and Avery. I hated that he had made a choice for me, an unbearable one but still, a choice he had no right making on his own.
If he had given me the choice, I would have chosen him.
Every day, every second, every moment.
My mother had once given me a piece of advice on love.
She had said Kaelyn, love is choosing one person, every day. One person to care for, one person to love and protect and be grateful to, forever. If you can’t find that, then you keep on looking. Because it finds you when you are least expecting it.
I opened my eyes, a ribbon of hope wrapping around my chest as I realized she had been right. I would have chosen him, every day.
The man I had chosen to love was far from perfect.
He was beautifully flawed. He was a protector. It had been ingrained in him from a very young age and that piece of him would never change.
I sat up, curled my arms around my knees and once again closed my eyes. Not because I was tired but simply because every time I did, I saw him.
Do you think for even a moment that I could have left you if I saw another way? You were my everything, Kaelyn. You always have been.
The words he had said to me as he tried to make me see what I had been hiding from ran through my mind.
“I was a ruined man. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t have any idea what to do, but all I knew was that I had to protect you. Everything I did was to shield you from the pain I now see in your eyes. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart.”
“I was a fucking fool.”
I stepped from the bath in a rush, pulling the towel around my torso with a sharp tug in my hurry. I was filled with light and a hesitant hope I finally allowed myself to accept. I wasn’t going to run from this anymore. I was going to embrace it.
I was going to embrace him.
I had pushed him away all this time and all the while, he had been protecting me.
I couldn’t fault him for that, even if I wanted to. It was part of the amazing, brilliant, sweet man he was and I loved each part of him, even the ones that had kept us apart.
If faced with the same obstacle, would I have told him?
Would I have told our daughters that I was sick with a disease that would take me from them at such a young age?
No. Instinctively, I knew I wouldn’t have had the strength to.
It was an impossible situation he had found himself in.
One thing I knew was that I would stand by him. I would withstand this storm by his side and we would do it together.
Not being able to bear being away from him for even a minute longer, I dropped my towel and pulled open the bottom drawer underneath the bathroom sink, taking the navy blue robe out to wear. As I went to close the compartment with my foot, my eyes snagged on the lone ring box that laid in the bottom.
My wedding ring.
I hadn’t been able to get rid of it even after our separation, my heart wouldn’t allow me to. Now as I carefully opened the box and placed the oval studded gold on my left hand, I knew why.
It was meant to stay on this finger. I never should have taken it off.
My hand shook as it finally landed on the bathroom door and I took a deep breath, knowing what I had to do now.
I stepped from my bedroom and into the dark hallway, my steps leading me into the dimly lit living room where I could hear the audible sound of snoring. The sound warmed my heart. I could remember sleeping next to him and that sound would lull me to sleep each night. I loved that sound. As I moved around the couch, I saw him. Lucas lay there, his head nearly falling off it as he slept. I went down on my knees and watched him. His head was bare, long eyelashes covering a portion of his cheeks while resting on the pillow he’d placed under his head at some point in the night. I had witnessed him sleeping enough times to know that he was restless. Something was bothering him, keeping a healthy and restful night’s sleep just at bay. I curled my fingers under his head and massaged his scalp, something I had learned would help him get comfortable in nights like this. For just a moment, Lucas leaned into my touch, seeking out my comfort before his eyes flew open and I was met with wide eyes filled with worry and hope, the same potent combination that coursed through my veins as I sat there, watching him in awe. I brushed my fingers over his face as I pushed the blanket covering him to the side, curling my body into the space beside him.
“Kaelyn,” he whispered, a million questions seeping through the word. I tipped my head back from the solace of his chest and shook it lightly.
“Lucas.” He must have seen the answers he was in need of within my gaze because he nodded.
“Sleep, now,” he murmured. His arm snaked tightly around my back while gentle fingers smoothed through the locks of my hair, allowing me to rest against his strong hold as I drifted.
The room was lit with Christmas tree lights as I entered, my face instantly hurting from the huge smile that beamed from it. I would bet money that this was Lucas’ doing. Ever since Thanksgiving, his mother, a sweet woman with his same dirty blonde hair and olive green eyes, hadn’t stopped talk
ing about Christmas. I knew she would hate missing the holiday and spending it with her family, but Lucas had found a way to bring it to her. I placed two light knocks on her hospital room door and her eyes opened to see me, smiling gently at me. The warmth she exuded seemed to cover the entire room as I moved inside and sat just next to where her sons were standing, blue paper cups filled with apple cider in their rather large hands. My eyes landed on the man that had effectively stolen my heart, Lucas Jones. His long hair was pulled into a bun at the back of his head and his big green eyes, with tiny flecks of gold around the irises were intently focused on the story his kid sister, Colby, was telling him. I couldn’t focus on it as my eyes roamed over him. I’d only been away from his side for a few hours as I had to attend classes, but still, I had missed him. He must have felt my stare because he looked up from his sister and stared at me, those big eyes captivating me instantly. A crooked smile spread over his face, the sight of it painfully beautiful. I had seen it more times than I could count, yet every time, it took my breath away.
“Hey, baby.” Moving away from his mother’s side for just a moment, he came to me and lifted me into the circle of his arms, his hands landing upon my waist as he held me close.
“Missed you,” I murmured against his neck. He tightened his arms around me.
“Not as much as I have missed you.”
He inhaled my scent, his nose in my hair.
“You calm me so easily, Kaelyn. How do you do it?”
I looked up at him and pressed my thumbs to his chin gently.
“I love you, simple as that. You ready?”
He nodded. I watched him take his sister’s hand and I waved to her as they left. I moved to the nearest seat to Candace’s bed, taking her warm hand in both of mine as I sat with her.
“How are you feeling, Mrs. Jones?”
She narrowed her eyes at me, though they still smiled at me.
“I’ve told you a million times, honey, it’s Candace. And I’m good.”
I nodded, squeezing her hand in mine, knowing she lies to us.
She lies and says she’s okay when she’s not.
She lies when she says she feels better when her sons ask her, just to lessen their worry for her.
She lies to herself when she says she’ll get well soon when we know it’s only a question of time.
If I could make one wish and have it come true in my life, it would be that she be allowed to stay.
But I was pretty sure that’s not how life works.
But I wished to God for just this one wish, it did.
The door opened softly, pulling my eyes toward Lucas as he came into the room with his guitar case slung over one of his leather clad shoulders. Each Sunday we did this. The entire family would rally around Candace and Lucas would sing to his mother her favorite song. She always told us that this was what kept her strong. Her sons’ love. I smile, knowing that’s true.
I helped Candace raise the pillows that are set behind her head so that she could truly see her son as he sat beside her, his acoustic sat in his lap as he began to play.
Lucas cast a brief glance behind him and reached for my hand, his deep green stare holding me imprisoned in its depth for a moment. His mother started to cough, the sound short and ragged and pain filled.
“You okay, Mama? I can wait . . .”
She was hushing him before he even got the words out, her tone unwavering.
“No. I look forward to this every week. Now, sing to me, boy.”
Smiling gently at his mother, he nodded.
The chords echoed through the room as he began his song, the acoustic notes creating a sweet melody we were all very familiar with, especially Candace.
His voice broke half way through the song and I pressed my hands to his chest, telling him with the only way I could that I was here. I wasn’t going anywhere, not without him.
As he looked at me, I knew he could see the love in my eyes just as he always had.
Lifting my face to his, I whispered in his ear as he looked at his mother, sadness pouring from his very essence.
“I’m gonna love you through it.”
My eyes fell open as a stream of sunlight fell over the room around me, disorienting me for a few moments. I felt a pair of warm arms surrounding my waist and the tickle of chest hair beneath my cheek. The windows of my living room greeted me and as I moved my eyes to the kitchen I saw what had woken me. Meghan, dressed in a tight pair of skinny jeans that I wished I could pull off and her maroon off the shoulder top, stood in the kitchen, pouring herself some coffee. Her eyes rose and she smirked when she saw me.
“Told you so,” she mouthed, her grin widening even more. I smiled, now realizing what had brought me here, this morning.
Lucas.
I smiled as I nestled my face into the solace of his neck, knowing I had her to thank for many late night chats as I had struggled with opening my heart to him. But now, as I lay against Lucas and inhaled his cinnamon and spice scent, I felt safe. Like I was where I belonged.
It had taken me a while to get to this place, where I could realize what lay deep inside my heart and the feelings that had never truly left me and now that I had, I was so thankful to my best friend for never steering me wrong these past weeks. She could have told me to run from him, but I think she knew how much I still cared for this man and that is why I loved her so fiercely.
Gently moving his arm from across my stomach, I left the couch and padded on soft feet toward the kitchen. I heard what sounded like growling from Lucas as he slept and it made me smile.
“Hey, stranger.”
Meghan smiled and we wrapped our arms around each other for a much needed hug.
“Hey, back. Where have you been?”
She leaned back at my question, guilt clouding her face,, she hadn’t been here at home very much. Between my shifts at the café and her shifts there, too, we hadn’t seen each other in almost a week. I missed the shit out of this girl.
“I’m sorry, I just had to find a new job. I know I’ve been helping you with the café, but I need more. To feel useful, I guess.”
My heart hurt for her. I hated that she was going through this god awful transition. Being out of a job myself for most of Avery’s infancy, it was rough. You get used to having that purpose of a job, of work needing to be done each and every day and not having that can be hard. I’ve lived it, know how she must have been feeling. I wished she would have let me help, somehow.
“I could have helped you find something, Meg.”
She nodded, handing me a steaming cup of coffee.
“I know, but I had to do it on my own. I found something.”
Pride filled me at her news and I smiled until my cheeks hurt.
“Where?”
She paused then and we heard the stirring in the living room.
“Kaelyn,” A rough voice called, the gritted tone causing goosebumps to cover my skin and a blush to rise in my face. Around that man, it was as if I was a teenager again, unable to hide my attraction to him.
“I-”
She smiled, kissed my cheek and took my coffee from me.
“I have a feeling you two have some things to talk about. I’m going to bring the girls with me to the café, let them see how Mommy works, okay?”
I smiled, just imagining the smiles on my girls’ faces today.
“They would love that, Meg. Thank you.”
She nodded, pulling on her denim jacket and collecting her keys from the counter.
“You guys deserve some alone time. Take all the time you need and we’ll all have dinner tonight.”
I nodded, squatted low on my knees as I spotted Avery running from her bedroom, dressed and ready to go.
“Oh, you look so beautiful, baby. Aunt Meg is going to take you all out today, how does that sound?”
She gave me a huge smile, causing the love I felt to squeeze my heart as both girls wrapped me in a hug
, each planting a kiss on me before they scurried after Meghan and out of the door. I hovered at the door, waving to them as the car Meghan drove pulled from our driveway.
“Sweetheart . . .”
His presence wrapped around me like a charge of electricity and I turned into his arms, the firm grasp he had on my hips never waning. Impatient, his fingers flexed against the plush fabric of the robe I wore, the material all of a sudden feeling itchy and uncomfortable. I couldn’t have looked away from him even if I wanted to, the intense mixture of light and darkness that leered between the flecks of gold and green in his eyes too potent to look away from for even a moment.
“Lucas.”
His name fell from my lips in a whisper as I was drawn deeper into his gaze, his arms, his presence.
It didn’t matter that he had broken my heart. It didn’t matter that I was terrified by the love we shared.
All that mattered was this moment, right here.
All that mattered was us.
When his gaze drifted to my mouth, it parted.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and he held my chin as he sought out my eyes once more. The more he looked at me, the more the need for him grew within my chest.
“You didn’t run.”
My eyes watered when I heard the true, soul shattering fear in his voice, the fear that I still would run from him, run from us. All I had known to do when he had come bursting back into our lives was just that, run. But I didn’t want to run anymore. I just wanted to be right here, with him.
On a shaky sigh, I nodded.
“I-I’m sorry. I’ve pushed you away when all I should have done was pull you closer. I’m so scared to love you again, Lucas but I do.”
Heavy tears fell down my face as the very last of my resistance to this man fell away and our bodies came together, desperate fingers holding on as our gazes never strayed. I could hear the heavy beat of my heart within my chest, the steady strum of it the only thing I could focus on as I searched his bright eyes for the words that he would say.
Breaking Lucas (Trinity series Book 2) Page 18