by Erin Mallon
She places earbuds in her ears.
Atticus: “Miss Reynolds, I realize that I am your boss and you are my secretary, but I can’t just.. control the way I feel towards you.”
She pulls the earbuds out and slams them back down on her desk.
No. I’m at work. I am a professional woman and I am at work.
She types.
She stops.
How can this man not have a website?
She searches the internet.
What does he look like??
She searches some more.
Nothing? Nothing. It’s like he doesn’t want to be seen. He’s a troll, right? He’s a troll of a man with pustules all over his skin. That has to be it. His voice though… My god his voice makes me want to – (quick beat) Fuck it, I’m allowed.
She puts in her earbuds and gets instantly lost in his sound.
Atticus: “She hooks those gorgeous baby blues into my steel gray, and god help me I’m lost. I’m the man in charge. I’m the man who gives the orders around here and, yet, in that moment I know that she completely owns me. “
The phone rings.
She doesn’t hear it.
Atticus: “When she turns back to the filing cabinet, giving me the tiniest glimpse of her upper thigh as she bends, she says (bad falsetto) “Enjoying your sneak peek? Boss?”
Vera:His female voices really are awful.
The phone continues to ring.
She finally notices.
Atticus: “What could I do? I am a man after all. So I did what any man in my situation would do. I ran my tongue up the length of her–“
Vera pulls out her earbuds and picks up the phone.
Vera:Well Hung Ladder Company! Excuse me, I meant - Well RUNG Ladder Company, which of course is still a juvenile name for a respectable business providing “reliable safety tools to lift you up” throughout the United States and abroad. This is Vera, how may I help you? (quick beat) Yes, hi Mrs. Hildebrandt. (quick beat) You fell off your ladder and you’re suing us? Ok! Thanks for letting us know!
She hangs up and immediately goes back to scrolling.
Vera:
Vera takes out her phone, presses record and speaks into it.
Hi there, hi! This is Vera. I mean! My name is Vera. I said “this is Vera” like you should know who I am. Hahahahahaha! YOU DON’T KNOW WHO I AM!!! I think it’s because I know your voice so well that you just feel… familiar to me. I mean, let’s face it, I basically know the way you sound when you come, so…
Beat.
Shit. Inappropriate. That’s - Starting over.
She presses record again.
Greetings sir! My name is Vera. I’m one of your biggest fans. I’m sure everyone must say they’re your biggest fan because you’re so incredible at your job, but I am honestly fully and completely OBSESSED with you – like in a safe way - obsessed with your work that is. It’s like… your voice just… enters me? And in that moment, I’m simultaneously lost and found.
Beat.
Too much? Too much. (quick beat) Just… be honest.
She gathers her courage and presses record a third time.
We see Atticus open his messages and listen to her voice.
Today I was driving down the street after dropping my daughter off at preschool. I was feeling sort of… I dunno. Unimportant? Disconnected? (quick beat) Like a walking to-do list. A never ending errand. (quick beat) A human doing instead of a human being. Yeah. (quick beat) Anyway, I could see from a hundred feet back that this man in a teal Honda was trying to turn left, but no one in my lane ahead of me would let him. So when I got close, I paused and flashed my lights in that jaunty way you do when you’re going to let someone go? And he - his smile… it just lit up his entire face. Through two windshields - his and mine – I could feel his genuine pleasure that I acknowledged him and gave him what he needed. His hand immediately shot up in that “thank you” gesture we use only when we’re in cars. Like this. (she demonstrates his hand gesture) Then my hand shot up immediately after. Like this. (she demonstrates her gesture) Same exact gesture, but the response version that means “you got it” or maybe… “I got you.”
I got to the next stop sign and I… bawled my eyes out. That interaction with teal Honda man was the most honest connection I felt with another human being in… a long time. And that realization felt so brutally sad. But then I realized something else. You make me feel that way. When I hear your voice, it feels like you’re speaking directly to me. Like you see me somehow and know what I need. Is that weird? Like you’re saying (she does the hand gesture) “I got you.” (quick beat) And that makes me feel – well, you… you light up my entire face.
Beat.
I’m not asking for anything from you. And I won’t do this again. I just thought you might like to know that you’re having an impact. And I do realize I’ve been doing a bunch of hand gestures that you can’t see because this is a voice memo, but… you get the idea, I’m sure. Oh and my name is Vera. Thank you. For… um. For everything. Peace out.
She presses send.
Peace out? Peace out?! Why did I – Whatever, it’s fine it’s… Oh holy shit, he’s responding!
She presses play.
Atticus: Let’s meet.
Scene SIX
The recording studio.
A few days later.
Neil sits alone in his swivel chair, waiting.
He swivels.
And swivels.
And swivels.
An enormous bouquet of lilies sits on the table beside his sound board.
He takes a deep sniff of the flowers.
Neil:Ah, nervous, nervous, nervous. (quick beat) What’s the ol’ ticker doing?
He puts his hand to his heart and doesn’t like what he feels.
He starts a heartbeat-like drumming on the surface in front of him with one hand while keeping the other hand against his heart.
Buh-bum. Buh-bum. Buh-bum.
That’s right buddy, sync up, you know what to do.
Buh-bum. Buh-bum. Buh-bum.
That’s it. Back in business.
The simple drumming leads him into an air-and-body-and-desk-drumming session of epic proportions.
Neil:
Jennifer walks into the studio.
Neil doesn’t notice her and continues drumming.
She watches him.
A particularly fancy move in the swivel chair has him whirling in her direction and their eyes meet.
Neil:(startled)
Ahhhhhhhh!
Jennifer: (startled)
Ahhhhhhhh! I’m sorry!!
Neil:No, I’m sorry!!
Jennifer: Practicing for your show?
Neil: Sort of.
Jennifer: Damn, that’s a big ass bouquet of flowers.
Neil:Do you like them? Are they beautiful?
Jennifer: I dunno. Lilies always remind me of death. You know… funerals.
Neil:Really? Shit! Fuck! Oh my god. Why did I think-!?
Jennifer: Whoa whoa, hey! I’m sure… whoever they’re for… they’ll love them.
Neil:Clearly, they won’t.
Jennifer: Oh. Gosh. They’re not – they’re not for me. Are they?
Neil:No! No way!
Jennifer: Fine! Good! Great! Because… I’m married, so.
Neil:Yeah, I got that memo the second you walked in the other day.
Jennifer: Aw! How? Do I give off that married glow?
Neil:No, you just have one hell of a rock on your fi
nger. The first thing I do when I meet anyone new is check her ring finger. That way I know how to proceed in my interactions with her, and how to manage my hopes and dreams about what we might be to one another one day. (quick beat) Which is a totally normal thing that everyone does. Right?
Jennifer: Nope.
Neil:Oh.
Jennifer: Hm. Putting this out there? Just because someone doesn’t have a ring on their finger doesn’t mean they’re automatically “available” for sexual advances and/or inquiries. And just because someone does have a ring on their finger doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be game for some honest connection and non-sexual communication between human beings. Gosh, wouldn’t that be nice! How unheard of! Then of course, we should also keep in mind that monogamy isn’t the be-all-end-all for everyone, so we should never assume either way. Furthermore, even if I weren’t in a committed, happily monogamous union with my partner – which I am – I would not be interested in you. Nothing against you, per se. Just your gender. Not that I have anything against your gender, per se. Why am I saying “per se” so much? Point is, I am married to a woman, which is exactly how I like it, so there was never a chance in hell that anything of “that” nature would ever happen between us. (quick beat) My god, why do I do this? Why do I feel a need to “come out” over and over every day to every man who shows interest in me? It’s not my job to make him feel better about himself. (mocking herself) “Oh it’s not you, big strong man! It’s just the fact that, oh gosh, see… little ol’ me here? Well I’m a little ol’ lesbian. Oops! Giggle giggle!” Fuck that shit.
Beat.
Neil:(changing the subject)
So… you got the gig!
Jennifer: Yeah. Yes. Thanks for all your help the other day.
Neil:Did I micromanage?
Jennifer: Absolutely. But, I guess it worked, so. Thanks.
Neil:Well you sound great. Author was thrilled.
Jennifer: I’m happy too. Though the script is… interesting.
Neil:Oh you read it?
Jennifer: …yes? How would I perform it if I didn’t read it? You said the author would be here later this afternoon, yeah?
Neil:Yup, she likes to let the actors settle in to the read before… descending.
Jennifer: Oh. Is she difficult?
Neil: No. She is a literary angel who cuts to the heart of what it means to be in love and alive. She takes a well-known trope and somehow makes it something magnificent and new. When her words grace a page, the paper itself quivers with wonder, blessed that she pressed her inky essence against them. (quick beat) So! Today we’re recording duet style with our male narrator. You know the drill with that?
Jennifer: He does all the male voices, I do all the female, yeah?
Neil:Yeah. Which is great because… (hushed) Between you and me? The Narwhal’s female voices are an abomination.
Jennifer: You mentioned “The Narwhal” the last time. Who the hell is The-
Atticus: I am arrived!!
The studio door swings open and an attractive, fit man in designer clothes enters with flourish.
Neil: Hey! Buddy! Right on time!
Atticus: Aren’t I always on time?
Neil:Never, no!
Atticus: Huh.
Beat.
Jennifer: Jennifer. Hi. Nice to meet you. Looks like we’ll be working together.
She extends her hand.
He doesn’t take it.
Atticus: Uh oh. Someone just dated herself.
Jennifer: How did I- What?
Atticus: “Jennifer?”
Jennifer: Oh, are we… not shaking hands?
Atticus: No. Hand germs quickly become gland germs and I can’t afford to be a part of that exchange. (quick beat) Aniston, Beals, Grey, Garner, Lopez, Love-Hewitt. If you’re a Jennifer, everyone automatically knows you’re 38 on the low end, 50 on the high.
Jennifer: Well… I’m on the low end then, but I don’t know how that-
Atticus: No one names their kid Jennifer anymore. That was a trend left in the 70s and 80s. You might want to consider a pseudonym.
Jennifer: And what is your name?
Atticus: Atticus Barnswallow.
We hear the ding of a text coming through.
Jennifer lifts up her phone.
Jennifer: Excuse me a moment.
Atticus: DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH ME.
Jennifer: I wasn’t! I was checking my-
Atticus: I WILL NOT BE PHOTOGRAPHED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Jennifer: Dude! I was checking my text message!
Atticus: (really articulating)
With your intrusive device pitched aloft and zooming in the direction of my visage?
Jennifer: What?
Atticus: Haha. Just getting the ol’ articulators going. So! What are we doing today, Neil?
Neil: “The Vastness of Tomorrow.”
Atticus: Ah, yes. What happened to Teakettle McGee from “The Immensity of Yesterday”?
Neil: Recast. With…
Atticus: …Jennifer, yes.
Jennifer: Sorry - what are you… wearing?
Atticus: Gucci, low rise boot-legs and a Michael Kors cashmere cowl neck. You?
Jennifer: I actually meant the uh – the medals around your…
Atticus: They’re my Audie noms.
Jennifer: Your…?
Neil:The Audie Awards are like the Oscars of audiobooks.
Jennifer: Ah. And you’ve won some, Atticus?
Atticus: Many. Several. One. As part of a multi-cast, but- Is this your first title?
Jennifer: Yes! I’m excited. I’m mostly a theater actor. I do some commercial VO. The occasional E-learning project too. I also did a video game last year and oh! I’m in final callbacks for this great new animated project, so fingers crossed on-
Atticus: Yeah, none of that is gonna help you here. Those there are sprints. Jogs. This here is a marathon and you’d better hope you stretched your vocal hammies.
Neil: Shall we get in the booth?
Jennifer: Yeah. Yeah, let’s do it.
They get settled in the booth.
She takes a closer look at his medals.
Those look… heavy.
Atticus: Oh they are. They are. But I like the weight. Keeps me conscious of the metaphorical weight constantly on my shoulders to give the people what they want. You know, aurally.
Jennifer: Orally?
He taps his ears.
Atticus: AURAL-ly.
Jennifer: Hm.
Atticus: So, you’re warm and lubricated?
Jennifer: My voice?
Atticus: ‘Course.
Jennifer: Yeah. I did some Linklater before I left my apartment. You?
Atticus: Nah. Men don’t need to warm up. The lady-ears like us raw. Gutteral. Gravelly and growling.
He blows his nose in an explosive manner, then looks into the tissue, fascinated.
Atticus: (marveling)
Gosh. Ever considered the fact that you’re just a big flesh sack filled with tubes?
Jennifer: (under her breath)
I’ve considered the fact that you’re just a big flesh sack filled with tubes.
Atticus: What?
Jennifer: Huh?
She puts her headphones over her ears.
Atticus does the same.
Neil speaks to them over the speaker.
Neil: Everybody hear me alright? Levels in your cans ok?
Jennifer: Fine, yeah.
Atticus: Can you up my volume a bit? I find it helpful to really get lost in the sound of my own voice while I’m working.
Neil:Course, course. (quick beat) Better?
Atticus: (trying out a line)
&n
bsp; “Mmmmmm…. Yeeeeeah baby girl.” (to Neil) Yeah man, much better.
Neil: Alright we all have the script pulled up?
Jennifer: Yeah. Hey, before we start, can I make an observation? Just an observation, not a criticism. I’m honestly concerned about the people in this book. Have they no hobbies? Interests? A desire for higher education? A great cup of coffee? A spirited debate? How about a trip to a museum or taking a spin around an artisanal cheeseboard? Can they really be this fascinated by the literal ins and outs of sex? I mean, the mindset seems pretty pre-pubescent to me, I’m just-
Neil: (surprised)
You used the word “literal” in an accurate fashion.
Jennifer: I always do. I’m not that person. Seriously though. Wait ‘til we get to Chapter Six. “Cassie” compares the act of lovemaking to repeatedly harpooning a jelly fish. I mean... is that sexy?
Atticus: How do you know what happens in Chapter 6?
Jennifer: I prepped the book…
Atticus: Yeah, I don’t do that. I like to let it all just hit me in the moment. Keeps my performance fresh.
Jennifer: It IS possible to be a prepared professional AND fresh, yeah? I dunno, I might go as far as to say that’s the actual JOB of the actor.
Atticus: You do you. I’ll do me.
Jennifer: (to Neil)
Is this guy being paid more than I am?
Neil:Considerably more, yes.
Jennifer: Flames… on the side of my face…
Neil:Madeline Kahn! Love her!
Atticus: (full drama)
CHAPTER ONE.
Neil: Oh buddy, hey. Not rollin’ just yet.
Atticus: Ah. Well can we then? Time is money and plus, I’ve got a date after this sesh. Gotta jet at 5pm sharp.
Neil:The Narwhal has a date?
Atticus: The Narwhal has a date. And she is fierce. Fine? Fierce? Naw, she seems pretty meek actually. Whatever. Neil, my man, will you be doing a coffee run at some point this morning?
Neil: Sure, yeah I can do that.
Atticus: ‘Preciate it. (to Jennifer) Takes the pressure off when I don’t have to go myself. When I’m out in the world I just want to be treated like a regular person, ya know?
Jennifer: Well… you are.
Atticus: I am what.
Jennifer: A… regular person. I mean, until today I’d never heard of you.