The Cowboy's Christmas Baby

by Carolyne Aarsen

  The same thing, she suspected, Dean had done to her.

  She forced herself to concentrate. She’d been roughing out some ideas for the papers, trying to create the sense of fun and excitement the company wanted. In the years she’d been doing this Erin had learned to look at ordinary objects from a different angle and connect with the ideas the customer hoped to present.

  She’d come up with a basic concept. A stop-motion video of the various colors of the company’s papers flipping like book pages and each one morphing into butterflies that would then fly up and...

  This was where she got stuck. She had thought to render the video so the butterflies would blend and spin to become the company logo, but the logo was bland and uninteresting. So she thought of getting them to change into a catchphrase that encapsulated what the company did.

  But she hadn’t figured that one out, either.

  Usually it wasn’t difficult to come up with concepts. But she couldn’t concentrate today. The last time this happened was when she’d found out she was pregnant with Caitlin, but she had gotten through that.

  However, this time she felt as if more was at stake. When she’d found out about Sam’s deceit, anger had been her foremost emotion. Behind that had been shame at what she had participated in.

  But now a deeper fear crept around the periphery of her thoughts. What if Dean didn’t want her anymore?

  Let go. You haven’t talked to him yet. You can explain everything when he comes.

  But the thought of having to tell him exactly what had happened between her and Sam and the fallout for his wife and child created a spiraling dread in the pit of her stomach.

  Caitlin’s sudden cries created a thankful distraction.

  Her little girl lay in her crib, hands clenched in fists, her fitful cries tugging at Erin’s heart. But as soon as she saw Erin, she stopped, her smile sudden and breathtaking.

  “Oh, baby girl,” Erin cooed, carefully picking her up and cradling her soft warmth in her arms so she could better see her face. “Was that a smile for Mommy? Did you have a smile for me?”

  Caitlin’s response was an even wider smile and a wiggle of her little body as if she couldn’t contain her own happiness.

  Erin closed her eyes as she rocked her baby. “I love you so much,” she whispered, her heart twisting at the thought of Sam somewhere in the vicinity. What would he say if he stayed and saw her? Would he want to be involved?

  Erin pushed the thoughts aside and, as she had all night, sent up another prayer for patience and trust.

  Our lives are in Your hands, Lord, she prayed. Please take care of us.

  A knock on the door broke into the moment and she felt her soul lift. Dean was here.

  She wanted to rush to the door, but the vain part of her stopped by her mirror to check the hair she had painstakingly brushed and braided this morning, smooth the yellow sweater she had chosen because Dean had, at one time, mentioned he liked yellow.

  She drew in a shaky breath knowing this was the moment of truth.

  Please, Lord, let him understand, she prayed as she shifted Caitlin in her arms, tugged on her frilly pink dress and dropped a kiss on her forehead. She set Caitlin in her bouncy chair, hoping she would stay quiet for a few more minutes.

  Then she hurried to the door, nerves and fear and anticipation swirling around her.

  She stopped at the door just as another knock came. She pulled in a steadying breath and yanked it open.

  “Hey, babe, I was wondering if I had the wrong house.”

  Erin could only stare at Sam, standing on her doorstep, his one hand resting on the door frame, the other on his hip. His blue-and-white striped shirt and artfully faded blue jeans made him look much more casual, but the leather loafers and the cologne he wore underlined his success.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I found out where you lived. Thought I would talk to you in a more private place.”

  Erin’s heart plunged as he moved closer, his grin making him look as if he had every right to be there.

  “I told you to leave me alone,” she said, her heart now racing with a combination of fear and nerves.

  “I was hoping to talk to you.” He lowered his voice, taking her hands in his. “Please. Let me explain.”

  He could do that so well, she thought, as his eyes softened and his smile tipped his perfectly shaped lips just so, his hands gently caressing hers.

  But what would have at one time melted her resistance now just served to make her angry.

  She jerked her hands free and took a step back just as he stepped inside the door and closed it behind him.

  “I just need to talk to you,” he said, touching her.

  Fear sliced through her, but she pushed it aside. Sam would never do anything to her.

  Then Caitlin squawked and Erin’s heart tripled its pace. She hurried over to Caitlin’s chair and carefully took her out.

  Please, Lord, was all she could pray as she snuggled her close and turned to face an incredulous Sam.

  “Is that ours? It that baby ours?” he asked, pointing to Caitlin, his eyes wide, his mouth slipping open in surprise.

  Erin fought down her panic and slowly nodded. “She’s my daughter.”

  “I’m the father.” He spoke the words in a matter-of-fact tone as he shoved his hand through his perfectly styled hair, rearranging the immaculate waves she knew he had probably spent too much time on.

  “Yes. You are.”

  Her prayers were fragments of fear and concern as she faced him down. His features registered surprise, then slowly shifted.

  Into anger.

  “I thought I told you to get rid of it.”

  It. The single word laced with contempt was like an abomination. As if this precious child was no more than an inconvenience. But at the same time his reaction created a glimmer of hope.

  “I didn’t. I could never do that.” Erin looked down at Caitlin’s sweet head and brushed a kiss over her hair, holding her even closer as if to protect her from the horrible words that Sam tossed around.

  “Don’t tell me you expect me to help you out with her.”

  “Have I asked at all?”

  “No.”

  “Can I see her?”

  Erin wanted to say no. To run away and hide her. Once he saw her face and saw how beautiful she was he would want to be involved with her.

  But he was her father and so she stifled her trepidation and gently turned her baby to see her father for the first time. Erin kept her eyes on Caitlin, not sure she wanted to see Sam’s reaction.

  “Oh, babe,” he whispered, his voice holding a melancholy edge that frightened her.

  He took a step closer, his hand reaching out. Erin’s heart thudded harder but all Sam did was lay his hand on Erin’s shoulder and squeeze. “Why did you do this?” he asked.

  “It was my choice.” She looked up at him, fear lancing her at the anger in his expression. “I wanted her. I couldn’t do what you asked.”

  “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I told you to get rid of her.” He squeezed harder. “I divorced Helen and walked away from her kid so I could be with you. I don’t want any kids in my life to complicate things.”

  Suddenly fearful now, she pulled away from his grasp and he released her, his hand dropping to his side.

  “So you don’t want any part of Caitlin?” she asked.

  He shook his head, his hand slicing the air between them. “I never wanted kids. That’s why I fought with Helen. I thought you...you would understand.”

  She wasn’t sure why he assumed that, but she didn’t want to get into that discussion now.

  “So you aren’t going to claim any rights to Caitlin?”

  “No. Never. I don’t want to have anyt
hing to do with her.” His expression grew pleading. “I just wanted you to be with me. No one else getting in the way.”

  She could only stare at him, wondering how he thought she would have ever agreed to this. But even more importantly, wondering what she had ever seen in this self-centered, venal man. The thought made her almost as sick as the words Sam had been saying to her.

  “So you just walked away from your other responsibilities thinking I would gladly take up with you?” She couldn’t begin to articulate the disgust she felt for him.

  “Yeah. I guess so.”

  “I would never do that. Even if I didn’t have Caitlin. Once I found out you were married, it was over between us.”

  “I told you, I never loved Helen.” His anger had shifted and now he was almost begging. “I only loved you. I want us to be together. But now... Now you’ve got this baby. That changes everything.”

  “Enough,” she snapped, taking control of the situation, her voice growing hard. “You didn’t want me to keep Caitlin and you don’t want to take responsibility for her, is that right?”

  “Yes. Of course it is.”

  Erin’s shoulders sagged with relief but she knew she wasn’t done yet. “I want that in writing. In front of a lawyer.”

  Sam just stared at her, as if he couldn’t understand this person she’d become.

  Then his features hardened. “Works for me. I don’t want any part of any kid.” He almost snorted. “And I want to make sure you won’t come after me for child support.”

  “I wouldn’t take one penny from you,” she said.

  Sam looked around her house, his eyes narrowing. “Well, if this is the kind of life you want for your daughter...” He turned back to her, not finishing the sentence, his tone saying everything his words didn’t. “And I suppose you’re dating that cripple—”

  “Don’t you even mention him.” Her eyes narrowed, her teeth clenched in rage as she resisted the impulse to slap his face. “Dean is ten times, no, one hundred times the man you are.”

  Erin grabbed Caitlin’s diaper bag, the jacket she had draped over the back of her chair and tucked both over her arm. “Let’s go to town,” she said. “The sooner we get this done, the happier I’ll be.”

  Sam hesitated and for a heartrending moment she thought he was changing his mind.

  “We would have been so good together, babe,” he whispered.

  “No. We wouldn’t have. The only good thing that came out of being with you was my daughter. Now let’s finish this.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Dean turned his truck around and drove down the highway toward home, his hands wrapped around his steering wheel.

  Erin had called him numerous times, but she hadn’t left a message. He wished he could simply let it go, but he was concerned.

  But then he’d arrived at her place in time to see Sam get out of his fancy red sports car and step into Erin’s house.

  Dean gritted his teeth, fighting down his own fears. This was only right. Erin had grown up in a fractured family. Getting back together with Sam, the father of her child, was the right thing.

  So why did it make him feel so hollow inside?

  Why did he constantly compare himself to the suave, rich-looking guy who looked as if he could give Erin anything she ever wanted or needed?

  He drew in a deep, slow breath and struggled, once again, to give his life over to God. To let go of control. It had been hard enough when he was laid up in the hospital facing an uncertain future.

  But now, even though his leg was better, his future as far as work was concerned was brighter, what he wanted more than anything was out of his reach.

  Vic was in the corrals when he got back home, reinforcing fences and getting them ready for when they brought the cows back down from pasture and they would process them.

  He lowered his hammer when he saw Dean walking toward him.

  “What’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be working at Erin’s place?”

  Dean walked through the gate and picked up the fence tightener. “I’m not working there anymore.”

  Vic frowned as he finagled another staple out of the pail in front of him. “Why not?”

  Dean tightened up the wire as Vic pounded the staple in. “Don’t feel like being there. Jan can send someone else to finish up.”

  Vic rested his hammer on the fence post, turning to his brother. “What’s going on?”

  Dean moved a little further down the fence line and reattached the tightener. Vic stayed where he was, waiting. Dean suspected he wasn’t going to leave him alone until he spilled.

  “Erin’s old boyfriend came back. Caitlin’s father.”

  “When?”

  “Yesterday. At church. They were talking privately.”

  “So that’s why Erin and Caitlin didn’t come here for lunch?”

  “I figured she’d want to spend time with him.” Dean didn’t want to admit that seeing Sam all dressed up and looking so successful had sent him scurrying away before he knew exactly what was going on.

  “He’s there right now,” Dean added. “I saw him go into her house.”

  “So they’re getting back together?”

  “He’s Caitlin’s father. So I’m guessing she would want to do the right thing. I mean, she grew up without her dad around a lot. Divorced parents. I know she wants only what’s best for Caitlin.”

  “Did she tell you she was seeing him again?”

  “Well, why wouldn’t she?”

  “So you didn’t actually talk to her?”

  Dean yanked on the tightener. He should have just gone straight to the house. He didn’t need this, though that meant dealing with questions from his mother. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

  “What’s to talk about?” Dean returned finally. “He’s Caitlin’s father. He can provide a life for her and Erin that I couldn’t begin to.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “He’s a doctor, Vic. He drives a car that’s worth ten times what my truck is. He’s not some...crippled cowboy.” Dean didn’t want to look up at his brother. Didn’t want to see the pity in his expression, but it was as if he couldn’t stop himself. And when he snagged his brother’s gaze he saw not pity, but exasperation.

  “Why do you talk about yourself like that?” Vic ground out, his one hand clenched around the hammer. “Like you’re looking for sympathy.”

  “I’m not—”

  “Ever since your accident you’ve been putting yourself down. Seeing yourself as less than who you really are. Why do you do that? Why are you putting down what God has done in you?”

  Dean was shocked at his brother’s anger, but Vic’s words also created an answering shame.

  “It’s not that,” he protested. “It’s just for Erin’s sake. I can’t do for her what that other guy can.”

  “If that other guy was so great, don’t you think she would have stayed with him?” Vic crossed his arms over his chest, his expression softening. “Don’t minimize what you have to give to someone like Erin. You’re a great guy. You’d make an amazing father. And I’m sure she cares a lot for you. At least that’s what I’ve been hearing through Lauren. And if anyone should know, her twin sister should.”

  Dean let his brother’s words assure him but at the same time he couldn’t rid himself of a niggling feeling that Erin would want to do the right thing. And as far as he could see, that would be staying with Caitlin’s father.

  “You don’t look convinced,” Vic said.

  Dean sighed, leaning on the fence post, looking out over the yard. The place that had been his home all these years. A place he had never wanted to leave and a place that, for a time, he thought he would settle down with Erin and Caitlin as a family.

  “Erin grew up with a p
art-time father. I know she wants more than that for her daughter. If there’s a chance—”

  “You don’t think you can be that father?” Vic interrupted him.

  “I haven’t lived the best life. I haven’t been the best person. Erin turned me down all those years ago for a good reason. And now, compared to this guy—”

  “Stop it. Stop comparing yourself.” Vic walked over to Dean and put his hands on his shoulders and gave him a light shake. “You may not have been the best person at one time in your life, but who of us have? We all have made mistakes. Done things we have had to ask God’s forgiveness for. But you never hurt anyone. You never caused anyone sorrow or grief. The mistakes you made were your own. And the one thing you have truly going for you is your faithful love for that girl. Even when you were dating Tiffany I know you mentally compared her to Erin. In many ways, you’ve probably been the most faithful person in her life.”

  Dean felt a warm glow at his brother’s words. At the comfort he knew Vic was trying to give him.

  “I know she cares about you, Dean,” Vic continued. “You shouldn’t assume that just because this guy is back she wants him in her life. You should probably find this out for yourself.”

  Dean nodded slowly, recognizing the wisdom in what his brother was saying.

  He knew it would be hard. It would mean putting himself at risk of being rejected by Erin McCauley yet again.

  Could he do it?

  “Let’s finish this fence” was all he said to Vic. But as they worked in silence, the thin warmth of the sun slowly waning, Dean couldn’t let go of what Vic had told him.

  Later that night, alone in his bedroom, the one he’d stayed in since he was a young boy, he took his Bible and flipped through it, looking for the passages that had given him comfort when he was in the hospital, thinking his life was over.

  He had made a choice then to let go of himself. To let go of what he thought his life should look like. It hadn’t been easy, but he’d been comforted by the passage in front of him.

  In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength.

  He had always found it interesting that in the middle of woes and prophecies, in the middle of seeming chaos were these two lines that promised so much more.