by Ali Dean
“I don’t know which part you’re asking about. It wasn’t my first kiss. But everything else was a first.” I keep my head buried in his neck, embarrassed in spite of what we just shared. This is Jace Wilder, after all. He’s been doing this for years with who knows how many girls.
“It was a first for me, too,” he says heavily.
I raise my head and look at him with a frown. “Huh?”
“I’ve never lost control like that, I mean. I’ve never, you know, blown my load from making out,” Jace says on a hard swallow.
Is Jace Wilder embarrassed? I open my mouth to tease him but quickly shut it. He looks so serious, and confused. And now, that lost boy look I caught a glimpse of is plainly etched on his face. He’s letting me see it.
Not for long, though. Jace shuts his eyes and leans his head back, banging it on the wall behind him. “Fuck.”
I have no idea what I expected, but it’s clear he’s not happy about what just happened. I start to crawl off of him. Jace doesn’t move, and his eyes remain closed. I walk over to the dresser and take a sip of apple juice. My body zings with energy but my brain is in a stupor.
“That can’t happen again,” Jace says from the bean bag. His serious, controlled voice is back. Unwanted emotions locked away and buried deep once again.
I look over my shoulder at him. He’s now leaning forward, shoulders hunched, elbows on knees. “Why not?” I know before I ask that I won’t get an explanation. He’s closed off now, and he’s got his determined look on.
“It just can’t,” he says shortly. He stands up abruptly, ending the conversation. Without looking at me, he walks towards his bedroom door. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”
I might still be in a stupor, but I know what a Jace Wilder rejection looks like. I’ve seen him do it to plenty of people. But never me. Another first.
“Don’t bother.” I brush past him and run quickly up the stairs. “Later, Jim!” I call as I fly out the front door.
The door doesn’t shut when I slam it behind me, and I know Jace is standing there, having followed me up the stairs. I walk home quickly, feeling his gaze on me the whole way.
Chapter 10
Gran gives me a confused look when we hear a knock at the door on Monday morning. Jace never knocks. I harden my heart and open the door, only to find Remy standing there. “What’s up, Pepper?”
“Uh, where’s Jace?”
“Oh, he didn’t call you?” He scratches his head. “He had to go out of town for something, so he asked me to pick you up for school.”
Gran harrumphs from the breakfast table. I wave to her and follow Remy to his car. Connor is sitting in the back seat.
“Hey, Pepper,” he greets me. “How was your weekend?”
I glance at him. “It was okay I guess.” It was amazing and heartbreaking all at once is what it was.
When Remy settles in the front seat I turn towards the center so I’m partly facing both of them. “So, I hear you guys talked to Ryan about me?”
Remy peeks at Connor in the rear view mirror and tightens the steering wheel. “Jace doesn’t know we did that, Pep. Don’t be mad at him.”
“I’m not. I didn’t say anything to him about it. But seriously, why did you do that?”
Connor speaks up. “Come on, Pepper. You have to know how Jace is about you. Ryan didn’t get it. You can’t blame him. He’s new and all.”
“What? Because Jace is my friend and has a temper, no guy can go out with me?”
Remy coughs. “Yeah. Sort of.”
Connor adds, “It’s a little more than that, but yeah, that’s the gist. We thought Ryan should get the picture.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” It’s not. Not exactly. Jace can be pretty scary and his friends wouldn’t want anything going on that encourages his volatile behavior. The guy likes control. And for the most part, he controls whatever he wants in his world. Apparently I’m not an exception.
“Don’t act like this is news, Pepper. You have to know you’re hot. Really hot.” Remy shoots him a warning glare from the rear view mirror. “But, do guys ever go for you?”
“Charlie asked me to prom last year,” I tell him.
Remy laughs. “Yeah, well, I think Jace knows you and Charlie are just friends.”
I cross my arms over my chest. I’m furious. Not so much at Jace’s controlling attitude, which isn’t exactly news, but that I seem to have been the only one oblivious to its impact on my own life. I guess I haven’t been entirely oblivious. Willful ignorance may be more accurate. It hasn’t really mattered until now. Actually, it’s been kind of nice not having boys distracting me.
But now, I want Ryan distracting me. If I can’t have Jace, I want Ryan. I know I’m acting like a two year old, but it sure doesn’t seem fair that Jace can reject me and keep me from seeing anyone else at the same time.
Connor puts a hand on my shoulder. “We just thought Ryan should know what he was getting into. A stirred up Jace Wilder isn’t a good thing.”
“Guys!” I throw my hands up. “I talked to Jace about Ryan! He was cool with it. Jace can see Ryan’s a good guy.” It was a done deal now, but I wanted to prevent this from happening again. “Just, stay out of it next time, okay? I’m sorry if what I do makes Jace less cool to be around for you guys, but I can handle him.”
Remy nods. “Okay. But it’s not just about being less cool. We can handle him too.”
Connor snorts. “Not always.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore anyway,” I tell them. “At least not with Ryan. We’re just friends. But next time, if there is one, just let me handle it, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” Connor grumbles.
“Sure, Pepper,” Remy says as he turns up the music.
These guys have been Jace’s wingmen since his freshman year, and they take their loyalty to him pretty seriously. I know they won’t listen to me unless Jace tells them to.
When Wesley went to Lincoln, and he and Jace stopped hanging out, it didn’t take long for others to pledge their allegiance. Jace is one of those guys who attracts people, guys and girls alike, without even trying. I am not immune. But oh, how I wish I was.
***
Zoe runs up to me at lunch before I can sit at our table. “Ah! I missed you at your locker this morning! You will not believe what I have to tell you.”
Claire, Charlie, Rollie and Omar look up as we approach. Zoe’s dramatics are nothing new, but this time it sounds personal.
Charlie raises his eyebrows. “We already heard about Wes’s party. How was it?”
Zoe slams her brown bag lunch on the table and plops in her seat. “Awesome. Totally awesome. Pierce Malone was there. Do you know him?” Everyone nods dutifully. “I hung out with him and we had a really good time. He was so nice and cool. So, he got my number and he called last night to see if we could do something together this week.”
“That’s awesome, Zoe. He did seem really into you,” I add.
Zoe dumps the contents out from her lunch sack and starts sorting through it. “Yeah, well, we made plans for Thursday after practice. But when I told my dad, he totally flipped out.” Zoe’s dad’s a cop and kind of a hardass.
“Why? He’s let you see guys before, hasn’t he?” Charlie asks.
“He asked how I knew Pierce and I had to admit that I wasn’t just over at your house on Saturday, Pepper, but that we hung out with him at Wesley Jamison’s house for a little while. I didn’t tell him there was underage drinking, just that he had a pool and we went swimming.”
“So what’s the problem?” I ask.
“He just said that Wesley and Pierce are bad news and he doesn’t want me hanging around them anymore.” She looks pointedly in my direction. “He doesn’t think you should hang around them either and he threatened to call Bunny to say something. But don’t worry, I talked him out of it.”
Omar asks the question that we’re all thinking. “Why are they bad news? They’re rich kids
who play football. They don’t get into trouble.”
Zoe lowers her voice. “I’m probably not supposed to say anything. Actually, I know I’m not supposed to.” She glances around conspiratorially. “My dad got real evasive and wouldn’t explain anything, just stomped off. But I heard him talking to my mom later about how Wesley almost got busted for dealing drugs last year.”
“Whoa,” Rollie says.
“What kind of drugs?” Omar asks. “I mean, if it was just pot, that’s not that big of a deal. It’s practically legal anyway,” he adds.
Charlie asks, “Were they smoking at the party?”
“I didn’t see anyone smoking or anyone on drugs,” I tell them. “Did you?” I ask Zoe.
She shakes her head. “No. That’s why it’s so weird.”
“Why would he deal drugs? Isn’t he loaded?” Rollie asks.
“Yeah, he is. I don’t get it,” Charlie answers.
We are all quiet for a moment, processing the information.
“Maybe it’s just a rumor, and your dad’s being overprotective,” Omar suggests.
“So no date then, huh?” I ask. She seems more intrigued by the drug rumor than she is disappointed about not going on a date with Pierce.
Zoe shrugs and takes a bite of sandwich. “No. My dad would freak. It’s not worth it.”
“Aren’t you bummed about Pierce though?” Claire asks, her cheeks reddening. “He’s really cute.”
Zoe giggles. “This is true. But, whatever.”
This is why I love this girl. She never takes anything too seriously. I, on the other hand, can’t help but notice Jace’s empty seat at the popular table. He’s out of town and didn’t even tell me where he was going. I wonder just how much of his life I’m kept out of. Perhaps it’s better this way.
***
On the way home from practice, Ryan asks about my weekend and I tell him about the pool party at Wes’s house. “It was cool, I guess. How about you? What’d you do after our meet on Saturday?” I ask him.
Ryan looks out the window. “Oh, just a party at some girl’s house I didn’t know. There are tons of parties at this school. More than my old school. But Brockton’s three times the size. I guess with that many people, there’s always someone’s parents out of town.”
“Was it fun?” Stupidly, I’m a little disappointed he didn’t at least text me to let me know. I thought we’d become pretty good friends over the last couple of weeks, despite our failed attempt to make it something more at the beginning.
“Yeah, it was okay.” He shifts in his seat before glancing at me. “I was going to call you, but, you know. . .” He drifts off.
“You can still call me and we can still do things together, even if it’s not going to be something more between us,” I tell him.
“Yeah, okay. Sorry. But you wouldn’t have been able to go anyway, right?”
“True,” I concede. “So, Lisa Delaney’s really into you.” Maybe I shouldn’t go there, but I can’t help my curiosity. Has he totally given up on me and moved on?
Ryan sighs. “I know. I’m not really into her though.”
I smile to myself. If Jace isn’t going to let anything happen with us, why shouldn’t I go for a great guy like Ryan?
He pulls up outside my apartment. “Anyway, I know Jace wasn’t around at school today. Maybe I can come in and say hi to Bunny, if there’s an extra seat at the table?” Ryan asks.
My smile broadens. I’m happy for the distraction from Jace’s unexplained absence. “Gran would love that.”
Bunny is bustling about the kitchen when we open the door. “Ryan! It’s nice to see you again. I thought I’d scared you off.” She hugs him.
“No, I had a great time last time I was over here. I hope you don’t mind me joining you tonight.”
“As long as you like shepherd’s pie. And I made brownies for dessert. Don’t tell me you can’t eat it. You runners need the extra fat. You’ll be getting a healthy spoonful of ice cream too.”
Ryan laughs. “That’d be great. Thank you, Bunny.”
We’re passing the shepherd’s pie around Jace walks in. He looks tired. I see his reaction through the opening between the counter and the cabinets when he notices Ryan in his seat. Jace doesn’t look angry, but resigned.
Ryan pushes back from his seat when Jace comes around to the table. “Oh, hey Jace.” He offers him his chair.
“It’s cool, man.” Jace puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “I’ll pull up a chair. Is there enough for me, Buns?”
“Of course, dear. Let me get another place setting.” Bunny starts to stand up but Jace nudges her back to her seat.
“Sit down. I got it. Sorry to interrupt.” Jace goes into the kitchen and opens the cabinet for a glass.
We are quiet at the table. I glance at Ryan, who is shifting around in his seat. When Jace sits at the table and starts dishing food onto his plate like it’s a totally normal night, we all relax a little.
“So, Jace,” Gran says. “How come a boy I never met was here to get Pepper this morning instead of you?”
“Sorry, Buns. He’s a good friend. Pepper knows him.” He takes a sip of milk and pats Dave, who rests his head on Jace’s thigh.
Gran tsks. “That didn’t answer my question, young man.”
“I had to go out of town to take care of something,” Jace says. He holds Gran’s gaze, and they have a staring match for a moment. Jace still hasn’t answered her question and he knows it.
Gran accepts his vague response, but not before asking one more question. “And why didn’t you let Pepper know you were out of town? We all have phones nowadays.”
Jace looks at me. “Sorry, Pep,” he says softly. “It was sort of last minute.”
Gran shakes her head, because he didn’t answer that question either. But I already know the answer. He’s keeping his distance. Instituting boundaries. Controlling our relationship. What’s new?
Jace changes the subject. “So, I’m actually gonna be out of town a bunch this fall for a couple of recruit visits to different colleges. I’ll usually just be gone weekends, but I’ll have Remy swing by if I’m away on a school day.”
The dinner with both Ryan and Jace isn’t quite as bad as I’d thought it’d be. The guys end up talking about the different colleges they are visiting on recruiting trips, and Gran chirps in with her opinions.
“Are either of you guys considering CU?” I ask. I haven’t raised the subject with Jace, but I’ve wanted to a million times. I take a bite of mashed potatoes, pretending to be more interested in the food than his answer.
“Yeah, definitely,” Ryan answers first. “It was one of my first choices before my dad became coach. It’s got one of the best cross programs in the country. So, assuming my dad doesn’t screw that up, I’ll just have to decide if I want him to be my coach.”
“Would that be weird?” I ask.
“I don’t think so. He’s always helped coach me unofficially. I think it could be pretty cool,” he says with a shrug. “We’ll see. I haven’t gone on any other visits yet so maybe I’ll like somewhere else better. Oregon seems pretty awesome too.”
Gran helps me out. “What about you, Jace?” She asks him.
Jace looks right at me. “CU’s my first choice.”
I put my fork down. “But you just told us about all the schools recruiting you. I don’t get it. I didn’t think CU’s football team was in the same league.”
“It’s not. But it still has a decent division one team. I’d rather know I’m gonna get to play than risk being a bench warmer.” Jace watches me as he butters a piece of cornbread.
“Hmmm. . .” Gran hums loudly from her end of the table.
“What about you, Pep?” Jace asks. “What are you thinking for college?”
I’m surprised by his question. I figured he knew I wouldn’t want to leave Gran.
“CU, if they gave me a scholarship. If not, the closest school with a running team that gives me a scholarship.” I
pat Gran’s hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll move into the dorms at least.”
“You know you can stay here with me on Shadow Lane as long as you want, baby girl,” Gran tells me.
Jace only stays a moment to help clean up after Ryan leaves. I’m still digesting the news that he might stay in Brockton. I almost wish I didn’t know it was a possibility. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Besides, he’ll be in college. I’ll never see him. Kids from Brockton go to CU all the time, but they disappear just like the kids who go out of state. Swept into the college bubble. It’s another reason why it’s so odd that Jace hangs out with college kids. That world is supposed to be separate.