by Ali Dean
“That you dealt drugs and Jace jumped in to ‘help’ you,” I air quote again with my fingers, “with some sort of trouble and now he’s a drug dealer, too.” Maybe I’m not supposed to tell Wes what I know, but Wes dragged me into this and, at one time in our lives, we were close.
Wes clenches his jaw and looks away. “I could have figured it out without Jace.”
“I don’t care, Wes. I don’t like it. Any of it. Whatever reasons you or Jace use to make it sound okay, it’s not. You both have so much going for you. I don’t understand why you’d risk it all. It’s stupid.”
Wes nods thoughtfully. “I take it that’s what you told Jace?”
“Yeah.”
Wes hops down from his desk and starts pacing around his room. “Does he know about Ryan?”
“What about Ryan? Jace doesn’t control my life, Wes, even if he likes to think he does.”
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem. Or part of it.” Wes continues pacing before sitting on the edge of his bed. “You can’t shut him out, Pepper.”
I shoot to my feet and point my finger at him. “Don’t you start telling me what I can and can’t do.”
Wes stands up and holds my pointed finger in his hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, if you don’t want Jace to ruin his life, you need to be there for him.”
“I am here for him. He knows that. I just can’t hang out with him like everything’s okay. Because it’s not. It’s not okay. I’m so angry with him.” I refrain from stomping my foot like an angry child but my eyes start to burn with unshed tears.
“It’s not the same. He needs you around. You ground him, Pepper. He might still be a little crazy. Knowing you are seeing that Ryan guy,” Wes says in a dismissive tone. What’s his problem with Ryan? “But he’ll cope. He’ll keep it under control. Cause right now, he’s outta control. And it’s not good, Pep.”
“What do you mean?” I force out.
Wes keeps holding my finger between his hands. “I know you don’t like it, but Jace is smart about the stuff we do. He’s totally business. He knows how to handle the guys we work with,” Wes pauses when I give him a doubtful look. “Occasionally he’ll party a little, but he never parties too hard. He’s managed to keep his focus on football. If he gets caught, or starts using the shit we’re pushing through, he’ll lose any chance with football.” Duh. Tell me something I don’t know. “And right now, he’s not being smart about dealing with people. He’s acting like a hothead.”
“Jace is always a hothead, Wes.”
“Well, yeah, true. But I mean, shit . . . I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“When did it start?” I ask.
“I guess I noticed the first time he got all crazy was that night I saw you at Remy’s place,” Wes says.
“And by get all crazy you mean, get super fucked up right?” I know what Wes was trying to say. Time to stop beating around the bush and get to the point.
Wes’s eyes widen. I don’t curse much. But I’m pretty wound up.
“Yeah. It was coke that night. I only started hanging out with him again last year, after football season. He never gets real fucked up though. He’ll chill, have some drinks, and stayed in control you know?”
I nod solemnly. “Oh. I know.”
“Anyway, the dudes we work with, they trust him. At least, as much as you can trust with this shit, but Jace is acting different. And it’s not going to be good if he keeps this up.”
I don’t really know what Wes is talking about exactly but it makes me feel queasy. “What do you want me to do?” I whisper.
“Just, hang out with him again. Do your thing. Whatever it is you guys do.”
I stare blankly at Wes. He invited me over here past my bedtime to give this explanation about things I don’t want to know about, and that’s his solution?
“I really don’t think it’s going to help, Wes.”
“It will.” Wes pulls me in for a hug. I’m so angry with Wes for pulling Jace in, but I can tell he really cares about Jace too. I allow myself to relax in his arms. But then I pull away, suddenly skeptical. I’d almost forgotten that I don’t know this Wesley. I frown at him.
“You’re only doing this because if Jace fucks up, you’re screwed too.”
Wes looks stricken, and I instantly regret saying it. “What? You think I don’t care if Jace throws his life away? I know we haven’t been friends for a while, but I care about Jace. I care about you, too. That never changed.”
“But I don’t know you anymore, Wes. You started dealing drugs. The Wes I knew wasn’t that dumb.”
“Jace started dealing drugs too, Pepper. And Jace isn’t dumb,” Wes points out.
I clench my teeth. Good point. But that’s exactly why I feel like I don’t get Jace anymore.
“You don’t have to believe me. You don’t have to like it. I want to be friends with you again. I probably won’t, because Jace is volatile right now and it will set him off.” I frown at that statement. “But I do know that you can’t abandon your friendship with him right now. If you care about him, be that rock for him, you know? As best you can.”
Rock? I’m Jace’s rock? That’s a heavy burden.
“Fine. But I’m watching you, Wesley Jamison.” I point my finger at him. Wes grins and I can’t help it when my lips lift into a small smile.
“Now, are you going to come with me to pick him up?” Wes asks.
“Pick him up? Right now?”
“Yeah, he’s at Madeline’s house.”
“Uh, why does he need to be picked up?” I do not want to walk in on something. Definitely not.
“Emma and Serena are there too. They’re rolling. He’s been doing it a lot lately and it’s gotta stop. That stuff is not meant to be used regularly. It’s a party drug. For occasional use.” Thanks for the information. Why do you sell it to people who can abuse it then? I want to ask.
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be used ever,” I say angrily. “What’s rolling mean, anyway?”
“Ecstasy. He’s taking ecstasy. At least, I was under the impression that’s what was going down tonight,” Wes says as he zips up a fleece.
“Why in the world would he leave if we show up?” If he’s at one of those sex parties with three hot girls all over him I want nothing to do with it.
“He needs to know you care. That you’re worried about him.” I raise my eyebrows. Jace knows this already. He’s known it his whole life. Wes continues, “If I bring you there, and say you came to me worried, he’ll be pissed at me, but it’ll hit home that what he’s doing is wrong. He needs to see how you feel about it.”
“Wes- he knows . . .” I start to explain, but Wes cuts me off.
“Yeah, he knows how you feel about it, but he won’t change unless he really knows, you know?”
Maybe. Disapproving of his actions while we sit comfortable in his bedroom certainly isn’t the same thing as interrupting it while it’s happening. But I’m not entirely convinced.
“Whatever, Wes. This is a really dumb idea. You want him to see me angry?”
And hurt. I don’t need to say it. Wes probably knows how I feel about Jace. If others can see it, there’s no way it’s escaped Wes. He knows this is going to hurt me.
“I’m waiting in the car,” I tell him. “I’ll call him. If he doesn’t answer, you can go in and get him.”
“Fine. Then just bring him home okay?” Wes says as we head down the stairs.
“If he comes out. What if he’s in the middle of, you know?” I grimace.
I kind of hope Wes will deny that Jace might be doing “you know” with the girls, but he doesn’t. “He’ll come.”
We look at each other, both realizing what he said at the same time. Despite the bizarre situation, I can’t help the burst of laughter that erupts. It’s silly, really, but somehow all the emotions built up inside of me come out in a fit of giggles. Wes joins me.
“He’ll come. Oh Wes, that was good.” I clut
ch my stomach and sigh. It really wasn’t that funny, but I feel better.
Madeline lives a couple of streets down from Wes. “You weren’t invited, huh?” I tease him as we pull up.
Wes doesn’t respond and I glance over at him. His mouth is drawn in that tight, determined look. Maybe that was the wrong thing to ask. Maybe he wanted to be invited. Maybe he’s making me come because he wants to be in Jace’s shoes. What teenage boy wouldn’t? Besides, these are Lincoln girls. It should be Wes, not Jace, who gets to sleep with them. He probably already has, but maybe not all in one night. How does a foursome work anyway? I shake my head, trying to clear it. It doesn’t matter. I’ll never need to know.
“Are you going to call him?” Wes asks.
I take out my phone and hit his number on speed dial. It rings several times and I’m about to hang up when a girl answers with a giggle. “Hellooooo?”
It sounds like Serena. At least it’s not Madeline. “Hi. Is Jace there, please?”
“He’s uh, indisposed, at the moment.” I hear background noises that make me cringe. I might be sick. I can’t believe Wes talked me into this.
“Who is it?” I hear Jace call.
“Don’t worry about it, Jace. It’s not important.” She calls back. “Would you like me to pass any messages along?” She asks me.
“Just tell him that Pepper called, please.” I know she knows it’s me. My picture comes up on his phone when I call him.
“Okay.” She hangs up.
I look at Wes. “Serena answered.”
Wes leans his head back against the seat. “This isn’t going to be fun. He might kill me. You sure you don’t want to come to the door with me? It might save my life.”
“Oh, please.” I know he’s kidding, sort of. “Just tell him I’m in the car before he can say anything. Then he’ll at least be curious enough to wait for you to explain.” I sigh before adding, “You know, I can just talk to him about all of this tomorrow. Do we really need to do it right now?”
“It’ll be the most effective this way,” Wes says as he gets out of the car.
I wait nervously, my mind whirling with images that make me queasy. I glance at the clock at least a hundred times. Only eight minutes have gone by but it feels like hours. Finally, I see the front door open and Jace walks out with Wes. He looks relaxed and calm, not at all what I expected. It must be the drugs.
He slides into the passenger seat and Wes gets in the back seat. Jace gazes at me, his pupils dilated like I’ve never seen before. “Pepper,” he says. It’s a caress, and his voice is raspy. He’s looking at me with desire.
“Jace,” I say back, trying to sound serious. I haven’t looked at him this closely in weeks, and I missed him more than I admitted to myself. We continue staring at each other, locked in some sort of weird staring contest, until Wes clears his throat.
“Guys? Let’s go.”
I turn on the car with shaky hands and drop off Wes at his house. Jace doesn’t say anything, and every time I glance over he’s staring at me. “Stop being a creeper, Jace.”
“Sorry. You’re just so beautiful, Pepper.” I give him a doubtful look. Jace is fucked up right now so I can’t really believe anything he says.
I’m supposed to be angry or hurt, and I think those feeling are buried in me somewhere, but the overwhelming emotion I feel is desire. Lust. He really needs to get out of the car. And I don’t think Jace is feeling anything like remorse or regret, if the way he is looking at me is any indication. So much for Wes’s plan.
“Can we have a sleepover tonight?” Jace asks when we pull into his driveway. “We haven’t done one of those in forever.”
We hadn’t done one of those since Jace started high school. “I’m not going to sleep with you, Jace.” I put the car in park and face him.
Jace reaches out and holds my hand, rubbing circles on the palm. “I don’t mean sleep like that. I mean actually sleep. I’ve missed you so much.” He watches our hands as he continues rubbing circles. “I won’t be able to fall asleep in my bed. I just want to hold you.” His voice is soft, and he sounds so lost. How can I possibly deny him? But this isn’t right. Something is happening between me and Ryan, and a sleepover with Jace is totally inappropriate.
“We can’t, Jace. It’s not right.” Jace’s hopeful expression crumbles. He drops my hand and looks down. He looks so sad. I feel guilty. After all, I did ruin his night.
“Wes said you were worried about me,” he says.
“Let’s not talk about that right now. I do worry. But I just want you home and safe and not messing around with a bunch of girls.” And then, so he doesn’t think my concern is just jealousy, I add, “I hope you were using protection.”
“No matter how fucked up I am, I always do. I don’t trust those girls. No one but you, Pep.”
I don’t know what he means by that.
I can hear the pleading in his voice, and I know that he needs me right now. He’s right. He does need me. He’s totally “rolling” right now with those dilated pupils, and he won’t be able to fall asleep. He shouldn’t be alone the rest of the night and I don’t know what he’ll do on his own anyway. What if he tried to drive somewhere? That would be bad.
“Okay, you can come over to my house.” I pull out of the Wilders’ driveway and park the car on the street outside our apartment.
Gran is asleep, but she’s left my bedroom light on. I usually sleep in my underwear but I leave my sweatpants on when I crawl into bed. Jace slides in next to me. He shuts off the bedside lamp. “Can I take my pants off?” He asks. “I’ll sweat my balls off if I don’t.”
I sigh. “Fine.”
He takes his shirt off as well.
“You have underwear on, right?” I ask. This wouldn’t be so awkward if we hadn’t made out. We could pretend that we weren’t attracted to each other.
“Yeah.” Jace plops his head on the pillow. I lie on my side and watch him. He’s on his back, staring at the ceiling.
“How do you feel?” I ask him.
“I don’t know. That’s a complicated question. I’m happy to be here right now. Really fucking happy to be with you.”
“Let me guess. Ecstatic? That’s why it’s called ecstasy, Jace.”
His eyes dart to mine and he rolls on his side to face me. “How do you know?”
“Gimme a break, Jace.” I roll my eyes.
“Are you disappointed in me?” He asks in a low voice.
“Yeah, of course I am. But let’s not have this conversation right now.”
I can see his eyes in the darkness searching my face. “I won’t do it anymore. If you don’t want. If it means I can be with you.”
“You won’t do what? And be with me how?” My heart leaps in my chest. What is he talking about?
“I won’t do drugs. I’ve been doing them. And be with you. Like this. Just like this. I could lie here every night and I’d be the happiest person in the world.”
I know this is not the time to have this conversation. “Maybe we should go to sleep,” I tell him.
“Can I hold you? Please? I won’t do anything. I promise.”
I snuggle closer and Jace pulls me into his chest, hard. He squeezes me to him and tucks his chin on top my head, tugging me as close as possible. After a few minutes he loosens one of his hands to rub my back, but keeps the other arm tight around my waist. I try not to think about what he was doing with other girls earlier that night. I know he needs me right now. Needs to know we’re okay. As friends.
Or not . . . I can feel his penis pressed against my thigh, and there aren’t a lot of layers between us. It makes me want to do things I really shouldn’t want, and definitely shouldn’t do.
“I know you can feel me,” he says. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. But I swear I don’t want to do anything with you. Well, I want to, but I want this more. I just want to hold you, okay? Ignore my dick.”
“I can’t ignore it, Jace.” My face is pressed into his chest and my voice i
s muffled.
Jace adjusts himself so I’m still at his side, but can’t feel him anymore. “Is that okay?”
I nod. This was a bad idea. But it’s almost midnight, nearly two hours later than I usually go to sleep, and I’m exhausted. Jace strokes my hair and my back at the same time, and it soothes me to sleep.
***
When I wake up the next morning, I’m tucked into Jace’s side like a football, and his throwing arm is wrapped around me. He nuzzles my neck like a cat. “Are you awake?” I ask.
“Yeah, but don’t move. I like you here.” His voice is scratchy.